Journal ~ Thus far, no one has spoke about H in anyway shape or form. YIPPEE! Thankful for that!
Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was involved in prepping something. I threw myself right in there to keep busy. D3 was having a fun, but after a long nap (she usual doesn't nap), and zero interest in food, turns out she has tummy troubles, a bug of sorts/the runs. She relaxed watching her shows, the rest of us (minus FIL) played a board game after dinner. That was fun.
Then I got the bug yesterday. We're feeling better today. She's out of the house with her StepGrandma (my S-MIL ) for a few hours. I'm lying in bed, wondering what to do. My hip/back has been killing me for days. I guess a walk may or may not help. Nice to have alone time, but nothing to do. Not something I'm use to. And I'm not 100% sure if I should wander too far from a toilet!.lol Bummer right!? .lol
We leave Monday night. Then back to work.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
-ps.... I've been reading & rereading everyone's posts of encouragement. I've got to keep the focus on myself and D3. H is lost. Only he can figure out his next move.
Standing, but not still.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Flying home tonight. I've had a stomach virus since Friday afternoon. Still not feeling well. Hopefully I can manage our flight without any mishaps! I haven't been sick like this in a long time. Well, good thing is I didn't gain any weight (probably dropped 5).
Zero expectations going home. It's so weird. I know H is finished work. Trying to keep a brave face while still here with my in-laws. Zero talks about H from FIL. My StepMIL asks leading questions, but I skirt away from them. Other family (half BIL & 2 step-BIL ) have not asked. THANKFUL.
As with every trip, I learn more about H childhood: an adopted sister; his Dad's second relationship.
Time to go for now.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Travel safely and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for all the well wishes. We made it home safe. Funny but not, when FIL was driving us to the airport he said, " So..any plans, thoughts, about Christmas?" GOOD HEAVENS! SERIOUSLY? My reply was, "Well, not really thinking about at the moment."... ugh... and friends from out of state have already text they arrived and are here for the holidays. So not in the happy holiday spirit. Yup. BA HUM BUG over here.
No sign of H being here. (He has his own key). Again I'm filled with so many emotions right now, have to remind myself that H has a problem that is challenging him, that ONLY he can fix.
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Off to bed. Feeling better, but not 100%.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.
Originally Posted by CanBird
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Originally Posted by Canbird
Maybe he needs to hear it again.
Nope. He heard it.
He needs space and no pressure.
I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.
Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?
From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.
You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.
Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
