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Turbine, the holidays are hard, and you've got some things going on that make them even harder. We feel for you. I can only say that you know I have had a hard time moving on, but time does heal. Give yourself time.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Aug 2018
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Had a rage moment at work this afternoon. Kept it bottled up and under control. some of it is W and her games. Some of it is work and their lack of organization.

Yeah, I can't impact either one.

There are two of us working on lathes. The regular employee has been working on a large order that filled three scrap barrels and required removing part of the lathe bed and using over-sized arms. Needless to say the work piled up and there is a steady stream of "Can you fix/modify these parts right away?" Except it seems to be the standard operating method. Drawings not complete... etc...

One of the supervisors was getting a bit insulting about can you do this, referring to a part. Yeah I can. I was not in the mood to get crap from anyone because my W is pushing her BS. Sister too.

all I hear is "Fix it for me..." How about fixing it for ME?

Yeah, I need some gym time.

I want the effort I am making for changes to be for me, to be real and lasting. Otherwise it won't last. A lot to ask for isn't it... a fair chance with my wanna be ex. Missing a humongous chunk of my heart...


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
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I hear ya on the "fix it for me" attitude Turbine. I really do. Sometimes I feel its all my life has been reduced to in recent times. No joy. No adventure. No newness, no companionship, no novelty. For the last 8 to 10 years I feel like my entire life has revolved around fixing broken things, always anticipating what needs to be serviced, cleaned, organized, etc, before it becomes even more of a headache, I get backed up, overwhelmed, inconcenienced, and made to appear incompetent as a result of it. Its an insecurity of mine probably since I was 20 that I bring into and attach to every previous relationship. I can't hide it, I can't suppress it and I can't cure it either. Im always afraid someone will eventually leave me because they all do as a result of it. Its what makes me OCD to be able to function, and to always do things right with particularity in everything I learn and do. But most people notice I take too long, get tunnel vision, get frustrated easily when I an inconvenienced, something doesn't go right sometimes, etc, and also sometimes only following through 90% of the way and then leaving it for 4-5 years. Like project ADD in a sense. Granted I learned some great skills either out if necessity, or our of pure interest that most people cannot do, that I become an expert on certain subjects and teach them, pass on the knowledge, etc. But sometimes I feel a utility. That my life is reduced to what service I can provide to others. That my life is nothing but chores and fixing broken stuff, either do to neglect, lack of maintenance, someone else's incompetence, or my own. Sometimes I feel like my life has to suffer because someone can't build or design a part right, count money right, prepare a meal right, or provide good service right. I get easily pi$$ed off if I buy a phone, and it stops charging after a year, or spill coffee in my lap while driving because some dip$hit can't drive. Or something breaks (Which is very frequent in my life) and makes me looks incompetent and like only these things happen to me all the time. With other people, It's almost like I have to step in and show them how to do their job with pride and quality while attempting to not be so condescending and critical even though I want to be if it is a big screw up. But I really do love teaching people something new and helping them if they want it. On the other hand, its what can make me very critical and cynical of others because I am critical of myself, because others were critical of me in the past. This is the part of me where my negative attitude comes out, negative self talk, criticalness, chronic complaining, etc cones out at times, and makes me feel like I can never win no matter what I do. I don't like it when people cost me my time, peace, efficiency, and well being because of disregard, inconsideration, or lack of competence. I am like this because of my upbringing. I love my family and their minds and hearts, but never cared for their lifestyles because as I got older I realized how not normal and dysfunctional they were/are, progressively got worse, and refused to change. They are extremely co-dependant with the exception of one. (Myself included.)This all comes down to lack of coping mechanisms, a father that was tough, emotionally abusive, but still loved all of us by his actions, but never his words. He did the best he could with what he knew because he grew up with dysfunction as well. A part of me misses him a lot since he is gone 7 years now, and sometimes I realize now what he sacrificed for his kids and what he accomplished even though he didn't always do things right, act right, etc. That part of him is a part of me that doesn't take any $hit, is critical, cocky confident, not tactful or soft on language. On the other hand my mothers side of me is more philosophical, empathetic, understanding, kind, patient, and affectionate.

But I do sometimes feel like I have to always suffer consequences either from not being prepared enough, not fulfilling others expectations, etc. Councelors have had to chronically remind me that. "I cannot win FOR TODAY" But I can for tomorrow. All of the stress, the work, the constant keeping tabs on things, fixing things, and everyone, the timing of everything is what drives my anxiety at times. It makes me temporarily feel like life is not worth living because it is that difficult to change how I perceive things. SOMETIMES. Past therapy has help a little with this and the frustration and the skewed thinking with this, and temperament tolerance, coping skills, and ADD cognitive behavioral rehabilitation but very little. I need to go back though. Its a lack of executive management skills mixed with mild ADD. I am this way because of who I am, and because of my upbringing. I feel that there is little joy, fun, adventure, exploration, experiences in new places with new people, maybe a little bit of FOMO at times due to this. It makes me feel like a slave to my thoughts and my responsibilites, and the stresses of life sometimes. So I am like. Is it really worth living and am I really living if I always have an imperative to to be a slave to respibsbilities of fixing things that are out of order or always break, never getting to enjoy life. It makes me want to give up sometimes. Its not that I want to die. But I want to live more with purpose, good executive management, good relationship skills, good confidence, and with joy. I just can never figure out how. Its like my life is my to do list. I get jealous of people sometimes. Especially ex GF's XW's etc when I see them making changes I asked them to make for me/for us, that directly affected me, the R, my boundaries and my time. But they had no problem making all these changes for themselves after they were done with me. Especially because I know those changes are not only for themselves, but either for
another OM or future OM to attract. I know that I brought some dysfunction to things in all my R's and I want to take accountability for all of that. But behaviors, habits and petsonna run deep with me.

Sorry to blow up you re thread about myself. I just thought I could relate to you with this. I have days too where I call them GFYS days. Lol.. Where everything goes sideways, my attitude [censored], I want to give up temporarily and just have someone else do it for me, and I let my co workers know in a kidding fashion and they laugh at it, and eventually I get back up on the horse and take charge. I feel its healthy for a good GFYS, F everyone, F the world, and F my life, IDGAF every now and again. It purges the frustration and negativity for me, as long as I don't hurt anyone physically or emotionally and am considerate. But some people can't tolerate it/live with it/understand it, etc. and some can. I'm sure if I was someone else and I saw my self in certain states, I would run from me too. It's not right, its not wrong, it just is. Some people can get it and some can't. Can you relate?

Last edited by IHCLACS; 11/30/19 02:42 AM.
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IHCLACS, I don't know if Turbine can relate, but I can!


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
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D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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IHCLACS, no way to show improvements or to make changes. Yeah sounds like me too.

So I was at the house this morning. She was so very reluctant to let me in much less go though stuff at the house. Wasn't the smoothest of interactions today.

I am so frustrated by the her words vs her actions. She is adamant about the D. She seems adamant about me being some sort of monster that can't change.

She is so very awesome and such a huge part of my life. I would so very much like her to remain in my life... as my wife. Let go... still having a hard time with that. I was so put off by this morning. Yet by late afternoon I was right back where I had been before the stop at the house. Wanting her, missing her.

Church meeting this morning for married couples. Our minister is encouraging me to attend. Along with other church functions. One of the activities within the couples group is a raffle. Usually candy or some minor thing. Being a primarily Filipino church there are bottle of soy sauce and vinegar (wine bottle size... so 20 oz or slightly more). Last drawing is a nice gift. This one was a facial. Yes, I had the winning ticket. Not everyone knows about the filed D. So a few jokes about my using it. Suggestions to give my wife. A few ladies volunteered to accept it for me. So I still have it. I doubt my wife would accept it from me. So do I give it to my younger daughter? My daughter in law? Sister in law or my niece? The minister to give his wife?

I would like to give it to my wife. I would like to have a chance to rebuild a life with her. So I am stuck like a scratched record on a old turntable. Repeating the same line ad nauseam. It seems I value her more than she values me, I understand I didn't encourage that feeling towards her. I have it. I want to hold her hand. Hear her laugh and sing. Smell her cooking whatever... okay maybe not the dried fish.

This just feels so wrong. I might have said this before. When my parents died, the lawyer suggested the two of us move into their place to down size. When it was suggested the house was a mess. Filled with stuff,needing paint and the floors refinished or carpet replaced. W said no. After the painting was done, the floors refinished and the house staged with all the stuff removed, the house was listed. She changed her mind.

Can I see that happening. Maybe. Lots of divorcees regret the divorce later. Again... maybe, I would like to skip that step though.

I am tired of being a "nice guy". I want to be a good man. Her man.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
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Bible study tonight. Got an email from the realtor saying there is a showing tomorrow.Welcome to a hoarders house. Yeah, my mood went back into a tailspin. Hearing from the Lawyer didn't help either. If this were an hand of cards I couldn't play anything.

Yeah, yeah... I control myself. Well all of the input is garbage so...

Very negative tonight so I am going to bed. I expect that to be a short period of time and marginally helpful.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
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Been awake for a hour. Sleep didn't help because I was still frustrated and angry. A little better now. Hymns playing in my head. Talking through the reasons not to fight for us anymore. Which is basically a list of the negative actions and unloving things she has been doing.

She wants the D and the house sold. Let me in to clean and sort then. No, instead she threatens to call the police and stonewall getting that done unless I do it her way. Whole summer and almost the whole fall has been wasted because of this.

I have little to any respect for the legal system here in this state and county. I live near but not in the cesspool of the mid-west. Our governors don't retire, they get sent to prison.

Yes I am still angry, frustrated and tired of this. Tired of being told what to do, when, and how. Frustrated because the one person who matters most won't compromise enough to get the house dealt with. Never mind compromise about anything else. Angry because it seems I am being ignored by those who actually have impact on this, judge, lawyer, W.

No, not posting to bump my thread. Writing to try to clear my head.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
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Hey T

Iím not real familiar with your sitch so just chiming in to support you as it sounds like youíre doing it tough right now. Isnít waking up in the middle of the night with churning thoughts just the worst.

If you havenít got it Iíll suggest insight timer. Has some excellent sleep guided meditation.

Good luck buddy

Cheers DS


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BD: Jan 19
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Have that so much it is a way of life for me. I don't remember how long I have been like this... years for certain... maybe more than 10... maybe higher than that.


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I think for guys like you and me who usually have arranged things the way they like them in the areas important to them have a very hard time handling areas that are important to them over which they have no control. I think it's like fear of flying. Driving to the airport, people have the illusion that they are in control... (they control the car's direction, speed, turns, whatever, making them FEEL like they are in control, but they have absolutely no control over the guy next to them, or the tire blowing out, or the guy going the opposite direction sneezing and swerving into them.....), but when people are in their coach seat, and the weather turns rough, they KNOW they have no control and that freaks people out.

I suspect that's part of what's going on with you. That doesn't make it any better, but you have very little control over it, and you might as well accept it. Maybe that's bad advice. I don't know.....


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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