Holy Cow!!!!! What happened??????

[Jim1234]

Hey Jim, first I'll say that your recon never has really gotten off the ground, it really didn't seem like your W was ever "all in" on it. I don't blame you at all for the talk, and for stating how you felt about it. But I think you took it too far with that text- "I suspect you will never open up for a real relationship with someone in the future, and that makes me very sad". You don't know what she's thinking or feeling, and to say something like that just comes off sounding vindictive and a little petty. If you're going to end things then try and leave it on a positive note. Wish her the best, and hope that she goes on to a great life without you!

That's good advice, and I appreciate it.

Now what you do is give yourself some time. Time without W, time without GF. Just Jim time. Pour yourself into finishing that project and whatever other GAL stuff you have going. Pick up some new GAL activities! Enjoy yourself, don't sweat an R for now. With time your path ahead will become clearer.

LOL I don't know if I could fit in any more GAL! This home repair has required me to be home most of the last two weeks and it's been fun. I actually caught up on a tv show that I was months behind on, and played some on the xbox. It's been really nice to slow down for a bit.

[Gekko]

Hi Jim. FWIW I very much agree with Steve. Sounds like you were in NC for awhile but then broke down and reached out to her numerous times. I would not have sent the initial text. When she responded to your initial text by suggesting a talk when she returned from vacation but then she did not contact you after being back for a week, I would not have texted her, and certainly not texted "I have been waiting and waiting and waiting..." The text after your final face-to-face was also unnecessary.

Your actions = pursuit and neediness. I would stop all the texts and R talks and leave her be. I would also not contact your ex-GF right now. Give yourself some time to settle down and clear your head. Hang in there.

[AnotherStander]

LOL I don't know if I could fit in any more GAL! This home repair has required me to be home most of the last two weeks and it's been fun. I actually caught up on a tv show that I was months behind on, and played some on the xbox. It's been really nice to slow down for a bit.

That's great! Too much GAL is just right You're clearly in a much better place now then when you got BD'd, glad to see you taking this in stride and continuing to be your awesome self!

[Jim1234]

Jim, just read your last update. First a 2x4: You still came across as too needy......."I NEED more!, Please give it to me so we can reconcile!" See how needy that comes across?

I also wish you hadn't reached out to her. At all. I feel like all of that was a test. Remember, people want what they don't have. When did she want you? When you were with your GF. As soon as you jettisoned the GF and you were "available" she went ice-cold. Let that be a serious lesson for you. I feel all of this was one giant, "I should see if I could get him back!" temp-check. Trust me, I've been through it with my ex-GF. It feels like crap because it is a crappy thing for someone to do to another person. It toys with their emotions and their life. Do you really want to be with someone capable of that?

As far as the ex-GF, maybe it isn't meant to be. Maybe it is. Maybe asking her out and just laying everything out on the table would let you know if there is a possibility of getting back together.

I will warn you, if you get back into a R with someone new (or the ex-GF) your STBXW may very well come calling again. And even harder this time. Treat it extremely skeptically. Someone like her is capable of the emotion and life toying because, quite frankly, she's already done it!! True colors my friend.
(BRO HUGS)

Steve, I'll talk about the "neediness" below....

But I think you're right about temp checking, her come calling even harder next time, and true colors. More on that below.

Hi Jim. FWIW I very much agree with Steve. Sounds like you were in NC for awhile but then broke down and reached out to her numerous times. I would not have sent the initial text. When she responded to your initial text by suggesting a talk when she returned from vacation but then she did not contact you after being back for a week, I would not have texted her, and certainly not texted "I have been waiting and waiting and waiting..." The text after your final face-to-face was also unnecessary.

Your actions = pursuit and neediness. I would stop all the texts and R talks and leave her be. I would also not contact your ex-GF right now. Give yourself some time to settle down and clear your head. Hang in there.

LOL, well, I doubled down on the text with an email...

The difference between me and almost everyone else on here is I am not trying to save my marriage any more. The initial text was really a break up text. I would have reconsidered if she said she would actually start putting some effort into it. AnotherStander nailed it when he said the reconciliation never really took off because she put almost no effort into it over three months. It would have been nice, but we want different things. I understand it's never going to work, and if I want to be in a fulfilling relationship, I need to look elsewhere.

It's pretty liberating because the things I said in the follow up email to the text I wouldn't have said if we were still working on a reconciliation, and I feel great having said them. Nothing rancorous, but I've wanted to say them for a long time.

Steve and Gekko, as far as the neediness goes, I hear you. To her, I'm sure I came across as pathetic and needy. As far as I'm concerned, I simply stated that her idea of sufficient time together (almost none) wasn't acceptable to me and goodbye and good luck.

What she said: “What I had hoped for was that we could have some kind of relationship that would include spending quality time together but having independence from each other too.”

What I said: Believe me, I had hoped for the same thing. But what “quality” time did we spend together in the three months since you asked for a reconciliation? An hour and half at <restaurant>? The rest of it was lunch with the kids, or bumping into each other at a party. And then you wonder why I want more.......

(as an aside, the "hour and a half" I mentioned in the previous paragraph was after we saw each other ONCE in the first month and a half of "reconciling", and that first time was so she could bitch at me to pay her taxes, and other financial issues. See previous updates if interested, but it's not important.)

She said: "I've had so many long conversations with women who feel like they're in the same boat as I was with you. I've also had long talks with women who have what they consider a happy relationship with their spouse or partner where sex is off the table all, or almost all, of the time. They respect each others time alone. Many see very little of their spouse and find it works better."

I said: "Oh, and these women you’ve talked to? I’m glad they’re happy. How many are going to be devastated when their husbands leave them for someone who satisfies their emotional needs? (“OMG he was having an affair for YEARS! Can you believe it?!?!?” She screeches. “Duh,” I reply.) In the meantime they are missing out on the love, emotional intimacy, closeness, joy, pleasure, etc. (I really wish I had a better emotional vocabulary right now) of the kind of relationship we used to have. Of the kind I would have liked to have with you again. They’re in no marriage I want any part of. "

Lastly, she gave a bunch of excuses for why she was too exhausted to spend time with me, and I called bull$hit on it and went into detail, i.e. "how hard is it to drive the one minute to my house and eat the dinner I've prepared, so you don't have to, and then flop on my couch to watch a movie together rather than watch it alone over there? Compared to travelling to <exotic and VERY difficult to reach vacation>? But you had no trouble doing that." And yes, that really pissed her off, and I don't care.

Anyway, this was much longer than I thought it would be. I don't know what I'm going to do.... take time to myself, call the ex GF, date someone else, whatever. But Steve, like you said, the world is my oyster, and I'm going to be great.

I'll figure it out!

[Thornton]

Good for you, Jim! I don’t know if I would have ever emailed my W and texted her, but I have to be honest. I bet that felt good to call her on her b”llshit and not care what kind of reaction she might have. That’s detached, my friend.

Now you can leave her alone to live her best life by finding her magical unicorn partner and hang out with her classy friends. Good luck W!

[SteveLW]

Jim, from my perspective what you did was: "I need all of this (insert list) for this reconciliation." I would have preferred you have approached it like: "This reconciliation isn't working for me. I need these things. I don't see that as part of this reconciliation so I am ending it."

That was what I was trying to get you to see. The first sounds more like begging for what you want. The second is saying "My needs are not being met so I am out of here."

I probably would have skipped the dinner. "The last 3 months have shown me all I needed to see. Having dinner one night isn't going to change that."

Anyway, again, I think overall you kept your composure and handled 75% of if it very well, as indicated by her noticing you were not upset.

Hang in there Jim, we are all pulling for you!

[Traveler]

She said: "I've had so many long conversations with women who feel like they're in the same boat as I was with you. I've also had long talks with women who have what they consider a happy relationship with their spouse or partner where sex is off the table all, or almost all, of the time. They respect each others time alone. Many see very little of their spouse and find it works better."

Definitely not the sort of partner I'd seek--no sex and a dinner together every few months---sorry it didn't work out better. I applaud your strength in seeking out what satisfies you!

[AnotherStander]

Jim your XW sounds like a mess. She wants a "relationship" where she never sees you, doesn't have sex with you and barely talks/ texts with you. And she's surprised you're not on board with that? All I can say is ROTFLOL!!!!! Come on! Welcome to crazy town.

Jim, kudos to you for giving it a strong effort, and double kudos for recognizing this just ain't gonna work for you.

[Jim1234]

Thanks for your words of support, guys. It means a lot.

Steve, I probably should have just ended it without sending her the text, but I know the text didn't change anything either way, and I'm glad I said what I said. Kind of like getting the last word in, ya know? I appreciate your insight regarding "im outta here", v "this is what I need"