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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861165
08/12/19 10:42 PM
08/12/19 10:42 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,991
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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TBSakaJ9  Offline
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G...I dont think him kayaking with his buddy would be an issue if you felt secure in the R. There is some need of yours that he is not meeting which I think is the driver of all of this. Then when he doesnt validate properly makes the situation worse.

We all have baggage and try as you might to overcome how he conducts himself could very well work for someone else.

That said you have indicated before that when you bring him something he rises to the occasion so hopefully more of the same will follow.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861168
08/12/19 11:27 PM
08/12/19 11:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,010
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Posts: 4,010
Oh, the kayaking doesn’t bother me at all. Friend time is so healthy. I get my share too. What bothers me is when he was rejecting me on sundays he told me Sunday's are his day to get stuff done and prepare for the week and rest because he’s so tired. I have zero insecurities about his time with his friends. The going against what he said to me is what irks me about his buddy time.

He does rise to the occasion even when I tell him how I feel and he kind of pushes back on it. Maybe he will do with too.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861172
08/13/19 12:04 AM
08/13/19 12:04 AM
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Posts: 3,991
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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Is this a one time occurrence on sundays? Maybe he made an exception because it was fun.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861174
08/13/19 12:30 AM
08/13/19 12:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,215
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Not gonna lie... the Sunday thing would bother me too. Obviously there are situations when he is fine to break his rule so it isn’t as carved in stone as he led you to believe. Some people are just different in relationships. I don’t know if it is a gender thing or not. I’m someone who, when I’m in a relationship, includes the other person in most, if not all, parts of my life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I invite my significant other to every event in my life but I will blend them if it makes sense. Some people seem to compartmentalize more and it is hard not to take things personally if you happen to be in an R with one of those people. Has he ever made an exception for you on a Sunday? For instance, if you haven’t been able to see each other all week, has he suggested you get together on that day or is it just a hard rule. I would have a difficult time with any hard rule TBA. Life just isn’t like that and it seems somewhat controlling to me.

I would also be upset about him backing out on you and not a) apologizing profusely and b) trying to come up with a way to help you or make up for it somehow. What it sounded like he said was “oh well...no big deal...”. Clearly from what you said, it was a bigger deal than that. At the very least, you should let him know and tell him how much it upset you just to have your needs tossed aside in favour of his own.

I agree with everyone about it being important to work things out in a relationship and ask for what you want/need. I also think that people have some pretty set personality traits that make it more difficult to be in a relationship with them. In the beginning of a relationship, we are at our maximum capacity for tolerance thanks to all the love hormones but over time, the things we once saw as “quirky” or “cute” or “a bit annoying but tolerable” become everything but. We also tend to be at maximum capacity for helpfulness. I.E. Happy to go out of our way to help the other person out or do things for them. IDK either of you but from your description, it sounds as if M only does this if it suits him and he doesn’t do it happily. Is this enough for you?

Anyway...it is your life. You know yourself and what you need. I am confident you will figure things out in the long run. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861187
08/13/19 10:11 AM
08/13/19 10:11 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,010
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Posts: 4,010
I just saw your post basho. Thanks for stopping by! The thing I really want to change this time around is how we solve problems. Or how I solve problems for that matter. I usually just shut up and let it pass and discard my own feelings. How unhealthy is that?!! Didn’t work too well for me in my M. And when I came out with my feelings, my ex found someone else. But that’s not how it supposed to go. And I shouldn’t worry about it now.

I’ve gotten to sleep on this. I’m obviously less angry. But I don’t want to chicken out of saying something. I dodnbreak down and send him a “hi” text last night. Shouldn’t have done that. Should have done what job said and let him come to me. He did ask how I was, then he told me he was tired and going to bed. All I said was “ok, goodnight” and he came back with a “goodnight baby, I love you!”

I think I know he does have very good intentions unlike my ex. He just can’t see past his own crap.
He also gets so overwhelmed when he has an unplanned for task. It’s all he can see.

Dean I- When we first started dating, he was different of course . On our 4th date he offered to use his truck to help me pick up my hard wood floors. Didn’t realize it was a ton! He also helped me bring it in to my new home! He helped me move. When I became overwhelmed . He spent sundays with me.. but he did stay with me during my surgery. He took the whole day putting in new outlets for my house. He’s excited to do my shed project sundays now he spends only when he has his S and we do something together . And I love doing things all together.

I needed him this week. But the things he has to fix is very important. It’s his reaction was what I didn’t like.

The things is. He’s the one. There are so many good things. But I need to be able to communicate with him. And that’s on me. I need to fix this about me. But he also needs to realize the world doesn’t revolve around him and his issues.

On two other notes. My daughter came home from cheer practice very upset. I actually left early to pick her up to watch too. They took her favorite position away from her. And then , once again, this happens every year, they stuck her in the back. Mind you, my daughter is the shortest. Not only did they put her in the back, they put the two talent in front of her. I go to watch at the games and you can’t even see her. I’m debating if I should say something to the coaches. It’s rev cheerleading, not competition. Let her family at least be able to see her when they come watch. I validated her feelings, I let her vent and she really confided in me. I felt so bad.

And the. My ex forgot I needed him this Friday night to take D. It’s fine, I reminded him and he coan take her. I said “that would have stunk if you forgot and we didn’t have this convo” he said “we always ask it work somehow” which was nice to hear. And we do. And I’m fortunate. And I know M is jealous. But I don’t think he is aware of the journey to get where I am, what I have endured, or what I emotionally sacrificed to do so. He only is aware of him and his sitch.

Ugh. Today is another day. I made my bedroom awesome yesterday, doing so much organizing. Tonight my project is my extra room off the living roo . D11 puts her desk there and my dad is getting her a new one for her b day. This morning before work I’ll scrub the bathroom.

Don’t think I mentioned that M kind of had something to say about my house keeping skills. That set me off too. He lives with his mommy and only has to worry about his room. I am one person doing absolutely everything with a full time job and my kid most of the time. Something has to give sometimes. The other day I was so full of love for him, these last 2 days he’s really pissing me off. But don’t get me wrong. Great guy, good intentions. Just comes off oblivious some of the time. And his timing isn’t so hot right now.

Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861189
08/13/19 11:37 AM
08/13/19 11:37 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
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ballast Offline
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Ginger...it's great that you realize the importance of speaking out with your feelings instead of keeping it within and discard them. I was the same way with my ex and I see now how that was unhealthy. Thing is I also get the worry that if you do express your feelings, your partner might just rebel and go find someone else. That fear that by being your real self and expressing yourself it might cause your partner to leave...it shouldn't be like that and I've learned that if/when I do express myself and my partner can't deal with it, then it's for the best that our relationship end as they weren't the right person for me.

I was talking to a girl recently who said "I want to be a priority and not a conveinence". From what you've said of M, I get the sense he is more closed into his own world and when not conveinent for him, it's his way only. Living with his Mommy, needing his Sundays, etc...no matter his great traits that would be a concern to me. Also now maybe you're not super comfortable at expressing your feelings and needs, but to me it sounds more like he has the greater work to do on the communication with you or more accurately the compromising and adjusting some of his actions based upon the feelings you communicate to him. You say "I need to fix this". Fair you have you're own things to work on, I just think you fixing you, doesn't fix the overall issue.

Just sounds like to me you and M are still working to sort out the needs and feelings each of you have AND how to be able to communicate those to each other and work together so that each of you gets what you needs. And for whatever reason, yep us guys can come off completely oblivious from time to time. Most men don't intentionally try to be that way, usually we do have the best of intentions, but there will be times where we'll be clueless when you think we should know. I saw this one video online and the guy was like "He's gonna pluck your last nerve and he's gonna do it over, and over and over again...and he ain't even gonna know he's doing it." Definitely accurate, just when stuff happens, be straight up and tell him. Don't be afraid how your true feelings might affect him.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 7/19
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861192
08/13/19 11:51 AM
08/13/19 11:51 AM
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Posts: 3,991
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TBSakaJ9 Offline
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G....is he an only kid? Does his mommy still take care of him?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861207
08/13/19 01:26 PM
08/13/19 01:26 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,469
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Coconut Offline
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Posts: 1,469
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Hey Ginger,

I understand that M not validating you and/or making an effort for quality time hurts you every time it happens, and it certainly needs to be addressed because it will likely lead to death of a million cuts..

I wanted to reply because I don't think it will be effective to address a single instance of when he failed to do so, i.e. - when I told you I was feeling overwhelmed you should have ...

Pre DB, I did not have the knowledge to understand validating or the importance of making an effort to fulfill my p love language.

All that to say that I think you should sit him down, let him know how important validating, quality time, etc is to you and give him information on what those things are. Talk about it a little and give him literature on validating (I think there is good info in a sticky in beginners, maybe there's a book) and give him a copy of the 5 love languages. I think you need to make it clear to him how important that your forever partner understand these things and make an effort to implement them.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861209
08/13/19 01:33 PM
08/13/19 01:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,888
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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^^ what Coconut said.

xoxoxo {{{Ginger1}}}


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Still figuring things out [Re: Ginger1] #2861210
08/13/19 01:37 PM
08/13/19 01:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,888
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1


Don’t think I mentioned that M kind of had something to say about my house keeping skills. That set me off too. He lives with his mommy and only has to worry about his room. I am one person doing absolutely everything with a full time job and my kid most of the time. Something has to give sometimes. The other day I was so full of love for him, these last 2 days he’s really pissing me off. But don’t get me wrong. Great guy, good intentions. Just comes off oblivious some of the time. And his timing isn’t so hot right now.





OH H3LL to the NAW, NO ONE gets to talk about someone's housekeeping. You don't like something, pick up a broom, or a sponge, roll up your sleeves and help or shove the broom where the sun don't shine and the sponge in your pie-hole.

That's NOT ok. EVER. ESPECIALLY when Mommy is taking care of the heavy lifting for him.

(Disclaimer: that's a HUGE sore spot for me as exh only ever criticized and rarely helped. sorry)


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
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