Thanks Peace. He is coming over again tomorrow to have his visit with the kids. I texted today to let him know. He once again started being friendly and when I told him, alrighty I have to go, see you tomorrow. He just responded with "Ok"
It's like he's incredibly depressed.I'm trying to focus on myself and not fall for it. Sadly I went for the divorce because he was being horrible and I felt I was protecting myself and my children. Now I'm doubting myself. I wish I could just be indifferent and do what I know I need to do. I'm sorry about your friend
Last edited by job; 11/23/1911:30 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Please don’t tell me you’re second guessing your decision to file for divorce! He’s an abusive sex addict who was picking up women on Ashley Madison!!!
Don’t let him manipulate you into letting him off the hook for support. Until he admits to his problem and gets serious help for it and spends at least a year in therapy for it, there’s no reason to let him suck you in. (And even if he DID do those things -which he likely won’t - the risk of relapse is very high).
Please tell me you’ve gotten tested for STDs. Keep your boundaries. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.
This is a difficult path your on. Emotions tug while H is friendly and then not; your intellect tells you what you know you need to do. Thoughts and feelings. A difficult path.
Do not make decisions based on feelings. Feelings can and will change, follow your intellect and values.
Detachment and indifference is coming and the peace it brings. It is good that you see how indifference would more easily allow you to focus on you and your kids. For now - keep focusing on you and your kids, while working to detach from H. (Bit of a chicken and egg thing that happens )
For this next bit, get in your intellectual car, no emotions, just logic and reason.
There is a business side to all this. Financial security and protection. H has already refused to pay bills and not paying enough child support. You need to get that remedied. And no, a promise from him that he will do better is not it. You need security - you and child. He had a chance to show you what he would do - and he did.
This is just business. The logical, reasoned, obtainment of financial resources and protection. (Remain in intellectual car, remain indifferent for a bit longer)
You know this is needed.
And wanted. Not wanted in feelings, wanted in intellect. You know it’s right and needed; you just don’t feel it yet.
That’s ok. It’s counterintuitive and in time your intellect, feelings, and beliefs will all be in sync.
Make decision based more on reason and less on feelings.
It might help to write down “reasons” to refer to later when emotions well up.
(Ok, that’s enough of the intellectual car)
Keep you boundaries, and protect yourself.
Stay strong, you’ve got this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Kml, No I'm not second guessing my decision, it was what needed to be done. It doesn't mean that his behavior doesn't affect me and that the love just died. It went away for a bit when I was super angry, but came back when the anger subsided. I wish it hadn't...I know my kids are the top priority, so I will do ANYTHING to protect them and I have.
DnJ, I am still moving forward. He was served and signed for it. He is now saying he's confused and wants help on filling it out I told him to go to the courthouse and ask for help like I did. I have a feeling he's trying to delay...but who knows.
He now wants me to go Christmas shopping with him for our kids, so he "knows what to buy them" and he'll "Put both our names on them and he'll pay for it all" I don't know why I can't just give him a list, but he wants me to go. I'm a bit perplexed by this, but I'm going to keep peace for the kids sake.
One foot in front of the other, I'm trying to be cordial to him, but it's the holidays and this really hurts so very badly, like he has died and I'm grieving. I'm sorry if I seem pathetic. I'm actually quite amazed at what I've accomplished while I'm so destroyed, but I can't get rid of the sadness and hurt.
Last edited by job; 11/27/1904:36 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Good for you moving forward and your response about how to fill in paperwork - go to the courthouse and ask.
I’m not really sure about joint Christmas shopping, H paying, its from both of you, etc... He is their Dad, and you being cordial is better than fighting. Just don’t put up with too much from him in the guise of “for the kids sake”.
As you said, you could just give him a list, but he wants you to go. You’re perplexed but are going to keep peace for the kids.
Why? And How?
Why do you have to go because he wants you to go? What do you want to do?
How is shopping with him going to keep peace? I’m guessing the kids won’t be there to see both of you shopping, so what peace are you keeping? Christmas morning? Are you planning on all being together to open presents?
He is pulling you in. Keeping you emotional engaged.
Focus on you.
Originally Posted by lost7
I know my kids are the top priority.
Yep, kids are pretty high priority.
However, you are top priority. This is often overlooked. You must be alright, for yourself and for them.
Going shopping with H is going to cause stress and anxiety, and you don’t need anymore of that.
Originally Posted by lost7
... it's the holidays and this really hurts so very badly, like he has died and I'm grieving. I'm sorry if I seem pathetic. I'm actually quite amazed at what I've accomplished while I'm so destroyed, but I can't get rid of the sadness and hurt.
Be gentle on yourself. You are not being pathetic. I think you are doing rather well.
And yes you have accomplished a lot, and in some really terrible circumstances.
The sadness and hurt will fade. Honest.
Detach and find indifference. Work through the withdrawal and let go. The first of everything, Christmas, birthdays, etc., are the hardest.
You are the most important person in this equation. Do not loose sight of that.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I think if you have the courage to go on the shopping expedition with no expectations and just being light-hearted, it is okay to go. I would not go thinking it will fix anything, but if you are still at a point that you can be friendly with him, it seems okay to me. I wish my H had asked me to do ANYTHING together all these years. It's very hard to do it with no expectations, I know!
I think that the point of no contact is to heal yourself. You can't do it to teach him a lesson. Just be sure if you say no to that or anything else, you are doing it to heal yourself and not to get any particular reaction one way or the other from your H -- or to punish him. It won't work. You might go and he will monster or go and you'll have a beautiful day together and he'll still go deeper into MLC or you'll have a beautiful day and it will seem like he is coming out of it for the day. Or you don't go and he'll still monster, or you don't go and he'll beg you to come back! There is no rhyme or reason and you can't do ANYTHING to influence his MLC. No contact or saying no to this or anything else is just for you, to have peace so you can heal. It's very hard, you are very early in this whole thing, it is going to be a long time before you heal!
Last edited by Gerda; 11/27/1904:48 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thank you so much everyone. We are on civil and speaking terms. He constantly wants to come see his kids now “aka, talk with me and tell me how he’s trying to get out his brother’s basement. He’s also now buying me Christmas presents. I’m holding strong. I’m no longer his place to stay while he lives the single life. It hurts, but I’m being strong and not a doormat. One day at a time.
The feelings you are dealing with are normal... this is a painful journey for the LBS You are not alone and we have all traveled the road- As you grieve..you will heal and yes you sound stronger and stronger Be careful of his niceness...unless he gets sober and help..he will be right back to where he was and you ont he other hand seem like you are growing... hang in there and hold your ground- he may up the niceness...to get you back in his palm
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
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