Again, I am not sure how dire your situation is so I wouldn't leave zero time for your wife, but finding some activities will prepare you either way.
Your W has been pretty attentive like you said. Like maybe things had improved a little. When my wife's A started kicking in, I didn't exist...I was the last thing on earth unless she needed validation for her wrongdoing and wanted to pick a fight. Sandi saw it too but hope that maybe this was just a brief phase for your wife that's why I say do some DB'ing but don't abandon her, but some new activities would help with your anxiety maybe.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Sandi saw what? That maybe my W is just going through a phase?
That’s why I still get nervous about gal. Cause she hasn’t said an angry word to me in a few weeks. So if I do it will look like I’m backsliding on my 180s.
This one is still hard for me I must admit. I’m not trying to be hard headed or argue. I’m just struggling with the logic behind it.
The last thing I want to do is push her farther away
Change up your routine. Go for a walk in the mornings, meditate, pick up reading or something else that you enjoy, get some new clothes, constantly update your wardrobe, lose some weight, buy some new cologne, pick up a hooby, meet some friends out after work.
Women love men who are constantly working on improving themselves, have hobbies, interests, things they do outside of the home other than be a father and husband. Over time they will lose attraction and respect for a man that does nothing but get up, go to work, and come home. Rinse, recycle, repeat.
What were you like when you first met? How have you changed?
From what I see in all of this is that you react to whatever runs through you head. It may be thinking back on a real event that took place in your life, or it may be a dream. Dreams mean nothing, by the way. Reacting to them is not rational. Our brains are like in a state of insanity when we are dreaming. So, when you wake up, shake it off and go on about your day. Don't give a minutes thought about why you dreamed it or interpreting its meaning. You have enough reality problems, without focusing on dreams.
I've also noticed how your mood reflects whatever flashes through your head, whether someone says something negative or you think their behavior is b/c you don't measure up in some way. You have low self-esteem and depend on others to set the tone of your moods. I suppose most of us feel good when someone says something encouraging to us. I mean, who doesn't like encouragement? However, do you tend to over-think it........(whether the words or behavior was positive or bad). If someone says something negative, how far does it drag you down before you decide to take control over how you feel? At what point do you decide how much significance to give the negative words/attitude/actions? How much importance do you give it when the remarks are positive? People who are hyper sensitive have to learn to think of the alternative possibilities. I think someone posted to you about that subject.
Now, before I make this next statement, please don't see it as me finding fault with you, okay? I'm not near as observant you appear to be, but I couldn't help but notice how quickly the tone of your posts became positive after reading my first post. Suddenly, you were posting about all the good things you have been seeing in your W's interactions. I think it had something to do with me saying I thought your M could be saved (plus, you've referenced to it). In fact, I wonder if you over-thought it. I'm not criticizing. I'm not the best at positively presenting what I want to say. I just mean that those words suddenly changed how you saw your W (or at least, that's how it sounded to me), until you had a dream that headed you in the other direction. After you overthought the dream, you had a bad day. The dream is not reality, and it's in your power to decide to have a great day, in spite of a bad dream or a good dream. You have to make the decision hour by hour, if necessary, to believe you are a person of valuable, whether something is said that you like or dislike......it should not change your self-value. Today, a mechanic said something that gave you a boost. That's fine, but don't overthink it.
If we had bad experiences as a child, our brain tries to replay those old tapes from our past hurts. Something happens in our present time that makes our memory flash to that painful time. Unfairness is a terrible thing for a child, but it is a preface for adulthood, IMHO. Life can be very unfair, but it doesn't get to decide how we feel. We have that God-given freedom to choose how we will feel. We have to learn to value ourselves, even if someone in our past or present does not hold the same value about us. Sure, we'd like for everyone to think the best of us, but it's just not that way in real life. Don't let someone else's opinion determine your worth as a person. Don't let someone's disrespectful treatment make that determination for you. If they have that kind of power, it's b/c you gave them the power to determine your worth. Maybe you did that to some extent as child, but as an adult, you are responsible for your own self worth and happiness. It's up to you to make yourself feel good about Oz. (((hugs)))
Watch YouTube, listen to tapes, read books, listen to good music, etc., to feed your soul. When we totally rely on someone else to direct our feelings about ourselves, our moods will constantly go up & down. When our happiness and self worth comes from within ourselves, then we can enjoy positive interactions and/or compliments........but we understand it does not determine who we are as a person. We enjoy the moment and move on. When it's not such a wonderful moment, or the words may not be what we desire to hear.........we still move on, b/c we determine if it will change how we view ourselves. Maybe we will decide to improve in a particular area. It shouldn't change our self-worth as a person. Does this make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was getting hung up on that I was seeing steady consistent improvement in W and I dynamic. It was exactly what MWD says to look for in the book. (Steve’s story in book). When I relayed this to the forum. It seems like the general consensus was this progress was unimportant and didn’t matter. She could be just stringing me along. But it’s what the book said to look for.
It's ok to observe and take notes of how things are going but it's way too early to attach a meaning to it yet. Do what works. If you think it is working then continue to do more of it.
Sorry if I come across as harsh sometimes. Finding this forum in many ways has saved my life, and part of that is dealing with the brutal honesty that vets will deliver.
I think the forum (if I may speak for many) is concerned about your level of detachment. Improvement in your MR is great, but your eagerness to see improvement is a sign of being too attached. If it turns out the improvement is a mirage, or that you were just misreading things, you will be further devastated.
Once you are detached to a reasonable level, you can see things more clearly and put the rose-colored glasses in the trash. To Sandi's point, your posts sound like you are emotionally dragged all over the place by whatever thought, dream, interaction, etc. has crossed your mind most recently -- I know this feeling well, and the first step in getting out of this mode of operating is to recognize it is more harmful than helpful to you. Once you find some emotional stability where you are comfortable in your own skin, and not so hyper-aware to your W, you will feel much better (first and foremost) and also be able to see your sitch more clearly and make decisions confidently.
Keep in mind the forum represents (generally) a subset of the readers targeted by MWD. Most of us arrived at DB way too late to effectively apply the smaller steps to try to turn around our MRs before BD. However, the general principles (listen, validate, PMA, 180s, GAL, etc.) still hold true, and will help you regardless of what happens in your M.
BTW I like that you are questioning the forum feedback. Everyone here has tons of valuable experience and advice to share, and it is generally very consistent. Periodically, all of us (including myself) will project our own situation onto yours. It is up to you how you want to filter this information.
However... make sure you are questioning the feedback not because you don't like it, but because you truly feel there is an alternative choice that still makes sense and does not involve wearing rose-colored glasses.
And I NEVER mean any disrespect to anybody when I question them
I’d like to think that I’m not looking at my W attitude with rose colored glasses. But I can’t say that 100%
I do question the extensive GAL. Only because it does seem like my sitch is actually different. Maybe it’s not. But the more I actually look at it it seems the W is just in crisis mode. She’s just unhappy. But the way she treats me and follows me around and asks what I’m thinking and my opinion on things makes me genuinely wonder if the changes MWD says to watch for are actually happening. (Remember she said 1 of 3 things WILL happen. Looks like mine is option 2)
I’m not saying I know or that I’ve got it all figured out. I’m just saying that there have been A lot of very positive changes
She commented yesterday on how we should hang pictures instead of leaving walls blank.
My story is extremely similar to Steve’s in the LRT section of DR. he got bombed and it was around week 12 when things really started to turn around for him.
I’m trying to look at things objectively. I’ll try to keep my emotions in check
W is waiting at home for me right now so we can finish grocery shopping. I sold my wheat and have some extra money and instead of her thinking about herself she is trying to figure out where it needs to be spent that’s best for the family as she has always done
I can’t help it this just doesn’t seem like the actions of someone who is truly committed to finding a way out
I may be wrong.
Either way I’m becoming AMOFWL
Hope to hear from you guys soon. Thanks for all you do
R2C did you see the 5 things you asked me to list?
50 guesses as to why I didn't respond, and I bet you will get it them all wrong.
Traveling.Missed flight.Different country.No easy internet access setup.
The point is our minds make up all kinds of stuff. Don't belief it. Learn to control your mind. Don't let it control you.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
There are 100's of positive changes you can make in your behavior that will all add up to you being more attractive.
Right now, focus on the top 5. Get them completely part of the new you. Then start working on the next 5.
What do you think are the top 5? (or 10). List them out and we will help clarify.
Originally Posted by ozman
R2C. Top 5
Be quieter listen harder Be more decisive Dress nicer Talk deeper Flirt (a little bit)?
I believe you can come up with a couple that are more important. Make the list as long as possible. Start with number 6 and ask yourself it is more important than any of the top 5. If so, put it into the top 5 and let 5 drop to 6.
This is a thinking exercise for you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
