Hey Gomez, sorry I don’t remember every detail of your sitch. Are you still sleeping in the MBR. If not, take the MBR back. Either way tough love should be used, especially if you have proof. Take her shyt and move it out of the MBR. If she asks why, “I will not share my bed with a cheater.”
Filing for D would be the harshest form of tough love but you may not want to do that currently. If not, don’t put up with her shyt. She is showing immense disrespect towards you. Do her no favors. Have a PMA and don’t act cold to her, but start to distance yourself from her. You should not be easily available to her right now. Go GAL as much as possible and show her that you don’t need her in your life. You deserve better.
I moved out of the MBR some time ago- the bed in the guest room is bigger and softer and there’s none of her crap in there. Should I take in back just as a point of principle or remain as we are?
FYI she filed 6 months ago.
As I said to Sandi, I didn’t bust her balls the first time I found out, maybe I should now?
So given that she is currently away, I figure I wait until she returns before having a conversation. I plan to say something like
"Before you went away, I asked you to be honest with me about guys you were messaging. I now know you haven't done that. I'm not willing to discuss what I know or how:frankly it doesn't matter. What matters is you haven't shown the respect that I, our relationship or our sons deserve. So I'm done. I don't want to spend time with you anymore and you are free to do whatever you want with whomever you want so long as it does not happen in our home. I want to get the house sold ASAP so we can be physically separate"
I thought about adding "I am still open to making this marriage work if you were willing to show respect and regret, cut off all contact with the other guys and work at the marriage with me. Until then, I will assume you dont want to and proceed as I have said" but not sure.
Gomez...so correct me if I'm wrong...she filed 6 months ago and now you are planning to tell her "you are done"?
Your most recent post...dude I mean if she's filed that long ago, what's the point in saying what you just wrote? Better play to me would be that if you know the above to be true, then instead of telling her, just take the actions on your end to move along to your new life.
Again maybe I'm mis-reading, but given the timing what you plan to say seems weak to me. also if she has filed, do you not have an agreement that already defines how/when the house will be sold?
you need to look at what is best for YOU going forward and I just don't see this as it.
Its a fair point I suppose. My logic was as recently as a month ago, she said she wanted to try again. Since then, I've tried to detach but I still asked and expected her to tell me if she was in contact with any of the OM. I guess now I'm trying to say I'm done worrying about what you do and who with. I suppose the alternative is JFDI with my reasoning (if she questions why I'm behaving so differently than before she left (when I wanted to spend time with her) is I'm looking after myself. I just thought the words above made it clear I'm onto her little game and I'm done with her disrespect- its stating my boundaries clearly and why they are there as opposed to her just assuming they have appeared and not knowing why.
Best for me? I'd still like the M to work, but I see that as a long way off and a sea-change needed from her for that to happen. So, the realistic best for me is look after myself and sons and move on.
One thing I learned a long time ago..logic has ABSOLUTELY no place when dealing with what you are going through. You shouldn't ask and for sure not expect her to tell you if she was in contact with an OM. Do you think she would really tell you the whole truth if you asked her? If you are done worrying, then that is great. Express it solely in the actions you take for yourself as a man who has accepted her decisions. Especially if it's a game, you keep being the man in going where you need to go in life. If at ever game she takes you here and there, that's weak looking for you. Defining boundaries you should definitely do, but act on them not tell her about them.
That is great that you want the M to work. Keep that hope. Realize that it is on your wife to come to the same feeling as you. If/when she comes to you and says exactly that then by all means communicate with her, but unless/until she does you should be looking after what is best for yourself and your sons and be living your life as if she's not going to change. You NEVER know when or if she might change her mind so keep that hope. Just realize that it is out of your control if it happens.
Let your wife see a strong, confident man and father moving his life forward. Totally up to her if she wants to let such a good man go then.
I do like the sound of that. Just one question though. As part of her seedy little conversation, she said they could meet up whilst I am away with the boys (as I feared she would). By not saying anything, it effectively makes her feel like she’s “getting away with it” and gives her free reign to do whatever she wants behind my back. That’s doesn’t sit right with me. I want her to know I’m onto her and that whilst I can’t stop her, she’s not getting away with it behind my back: her dirty little secret is out.
Gomez, you are talking too much and doing too little. WWs respond to action, not words. Let me give you an example.
In my sitch I kept telling my W that we couldn't, and that I wouldn't, do a quickie divorce. She was deluded into believing that despite having a minor child, we could do a $400 online D, and have it done quickly and painlessly. I told her that couldn't happen. She ignored me. Until I spoke to a lawyer, and suddenly her easy-peazy lemon squeezee divorce delusion was shattered.
So don't say any of that to her. Stop spending time with her. Don't tell her she is free to do whatever she wants, just stop keeping tabs on her. Don't tell her that you want to sell the house ASAP, contact a realtor and get the ball rolling on selling the house! See the difference.
Gomez, the problem is you think you are going to go on the above diatribe with the hope she will go "OH NO! That's not what I want! I will stop messaging guys. And I will recommit to the marriage. Please give me another chance!"
Those expectations will kill you because likely she'll say "Ok." And keep right on doing what she is doing.
ACTION. Not words.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Best for me? I'd still like the M to work, but I see that as a long way off and a sea-change needed from her for that to happen. So, the realistic best for me is look after myself and sons and move on.
When she wants to come back to the MR, you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
