So from what I read Michelle says to use LRT if: 1:spouse says they want divorce 2:you and spouse are physically separated
I forgot the third honestly.
So yes if my W and I separate, which is the plan in a week, then per Michelle I should LRT.
She then goes onto talk about the 3 reactions you may get from doing LRT. The second outcome she talks about progress that includes an improvement in your sitch such as: improved communication, your spouse showing interest, your spouse talking about a future together, and a few other things.
From what I understand LRT is a technique that involves basically no contact with your spouse. That is not where I am now as we still live together and by using other DB techniques my sitch has already improved a bit. Some of the things Michelle mentions could happen In the second outcome of LRT are already happening in my sitch before I have started LRT. So I am just concerned about reducing my contact once we separate if I am seeing positive changes from some interactions.
I have not been pursuing, and do not plan on it. From my understanding LRT seems far less involved and much harsher than the DBing I have done already?
Oh and those things you listed as LRT: Don’t pursue, GAL and detach I have already been doing. I was under the impression that LRT was a step beyond typical DBing?
Therefore I was confused as to if I should go LRT if I am already seeing positive changes before going LRT. Or is it because we are separating that I should go LRT despite the positive changes I have seen already?
Another question, The W and MIL and my son are going out to eat for mother’s day. W invited me to go with them, should I go? She has been wanting to do more things together lately. And she even brought me home lunch today which was kind of thoughtful considering our sitch. Thanks guys
]From what I understand LRT is a technique that involves basically no contact with your spouse.
Not quite.
She writes that you are not to initiate contact with your spouse unless it's a medical or similar emergency (like something with the kids).
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
I have not been pursuing, and do not plan on it. From my understanding LRT seems far less involved and much harsher than the DBing I have done already?
Less involved because of the physical separation.
Not harsh.
You're simply doing what your wife is saying she wants you to do. Moving on and getting out of her way, and not contacting her.
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
Oh and those things you listed as LRT: Don’t pursue, GAL and detach I have already been doing. I was under the impression that LRT was a step beyond typical DBing?
There is no such thing as typical DBing.
"DBing" can be defined as follows: use what works, reject what doesn't work.
I had to be really severe, direct and blunt with my wife during her insanity phase for things to really "work".
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
Therefore I was confused as to if I should go LRT if I am already seeing positive changes before going LRT. Or is it because we are separating that I should go LRT despite the positive changes I have seen already?
LRT applies if there is a physical separation.
Please read Divorce Remedy if you haven't done so already.
Best, GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Well, we should keep talking about this, I'm not saying you should or should not do LRT.
It is not "no contact" or "NC". NC means you don't even respond to his or her texts or calls. It just means you never initiate convos and when she does you just respond as briefly as possible.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Okay I had a little confusion then, and I have almost finished reading DR.
So currently I wouldn’t say I am doing LRT in the sense that my W and I are having sometimes longer conversations. I am not initiating anything though and am not being very brief with her. When she asks what I am doing for GAL I usually answer truthfully but briefly. When she asks what I’ve been doing I usually tell her.
So I suppose when she moves out I should become much briefer with her? Such as if she asks what I’ve been up to then I should keep it short and not go into too much detail?
In my sitch , my W has warmed up to me quite a bit since BD and it seems that if I am brief with her she doesn’t react as well as if I am more detailed.
Also what are your thoughts on me going to dinner for mother’s day with my W and MIL and my S? They invited me.
Pardon my arrogance for the moment. This doesn't reflect particularly on anyone's situation. I had the kid for the night, and was watching Passion of The Christ, Over The Top and Days of Thunder. W went out for 5 hours, don't know who, don't care. Back to the movies. Ok I know its Hollywood scripted. But these two movies for me thinking and sent a message. Just reflecting on this. When did we as Husbands start making our W's or the girl our passion? Where has that gotten us? Why do we make the women of our lives our passion and neglect ourselves and our purpose?
I think I understand now, how making something about you, or doing what you love, your passion, wether it be your career, your hobby, your children, whatever. Does anyone ever get the feeling that our W's don't respect us either because they are wayward, but more so, you ever notice women follow guys who lead for the sake of their own passion? And that you have to be willing to walk away from them to find and fulfil your purpose, take control if your life, and live for yourself. Its no wonder some of them lose their identies around 38-45. They want more out of life than just marriage whether it be a new life, a new identity, a new place to live, and for the emotionally insecure, and a new OM?
Her reactions may be negative when you decide to stop worry about how she'll react and just do what is right for you.
So at first my MIL let me know they planned to go to dinner on mother’s Day. I did not confirm or deny. The next day I asked “when are you guys going to Mother’s Day dinner”. My W replied “what do you mean, we are all going as a family”.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Pardon my arrogance for the moment. This doesn't reflect particularly on anyone's situation. I had the kid for the night, and was watching Passion of The Christ, Over The Top and Days of Thunder. W went out for 5 hours, don't know who, don't care. Back to the movies. Ok I know its Hollywood scripted. But these two movies for me thinking and sent a message. Just reflecting on this. When did we as Husbands start making our W's or the girl our passion? Where has that gotten us? Why do we make the women of our lives our passion and neglect ourselves and our purpose?
I think I understand now, how making something about you, or doing what you love, your passion, wether it be your career, your hobby, your children, whatever. Does anyone ever get the feeling that our W's don't respect us either because they are wayward, but more so, you ever notice women follow guys who lead for the sake of their own passion? And that you have to be willing to walk away from them to find and fulfil your purpose, take control if your life, and live for yourself. Its no wonder some of them lose their identies around 38-45. They want more out of life than just marriage whether it be a new life, a new identity, a new place to live, and for the emotionally insecure, and a new OM?
Hey IHCLACS, I’m a few beers deep at the moment but you are god damn right! Our women follow us at first when we lead our own lives. When we settle down with our W they slowly lose interest as we lose our individual drive and mesh our lives with them. They then become interested again when we show them we don’t need them and can lead our own lives again. Interesting psychological view on our stitches!
Another R talk with W tonight but I’m kinda drunk so I’ll save for tomorrow. I handled very well I wanna think.
Okay so about the R talk last night. I went out and GAL with some friends. Had some drinks and watched some hockey. Came home and put my S to bed. My W and I were in bed and as it being a week till W and MIL move out I asked if my W had written up our agreement for money and child care. She said she would get it done this week.
Next she transitioned into a sort of R talk. She asked if I was gonna go out a lot to bars and such. I said that yeah I was planning on going out and meeting new people and such. She seemed a little sad but from previous R talks I know she is planning on going out a lot too.
Also I forgot to mention that although I am unsure if there is OM, her doing things such as changing her phone password and texting a lot more than she use to make it pretty clear to me she must be talking to OM. I kind of came to this last night.
She then said something like if we don’t end up getting back together in a few months maybe we should just see a mediator. Seems like she’s looking for an easy way out, however the week of BD she expressed no interest in getting back together. Seems like she is considering it though now with my changes. Or she is just being nice so I don’t fight back who knows.
Next I forgot how we got into it but she started talking about my laundry list of problems. “I tried to get you to buy new clothes for years and now you buy them”. “Every time we went shopping you would come after me to give you money.” “You can’t just be involved with our kid a lot for a month and think you are a super dad now”.
To all of these complaints I didn’t get up set but responded with something along the lines of: “I have made these changes for myself. I understand these changes are too late for you but I have realized the person I want to be.”
She then started getting upset and really started tearing into me: “you were never there for me, you were such a terrible person to me” all this stuff that isn’t true in my opinion. I tried to validate saying that I didn’t give her enough attention and didn’t speak her love language but I did defend myself as well.
I told her “you saying I wasn’t there for you isn’t true. I was all you had for many rough years. I was your rock, when we had to go get your mom from the hospital multiple times, I was the only one there for you.” Her mom is an alcoholic and hit rock bottom and fell off the wagon every few months. She is doing much better now.
I know it’s typical for WAWs to change the MR history so everything is negative. But this really hurt me. I tried not to show too much emotion but at some point tempers flared. I brought up that she was talking to an OM: she replied angrily “there’s no OM”! I replied “sure keep telling yourself that because I don’t believe it.”
I made an error here and started texting some friends. I turned on my phone volume and started texting loudly. She got super angry and maybe was projecting that I was texting a girl or something. She then started calling me a d*ouchebag repeatedly. She got so mad that at one point she said “let’s just file for D”. I replied “that’s not what I want but go ahead. I’m not stopping you!” She was so upset that she was crying. Not sure why she was crying though. Self pity? We both had done some drinking and I don’t think she really meant this about getting D”
This morning we apologized to each other. We went out to mothers day breakfast and had a good time. My W didn’t mention D but once again said something like “this is our last week living together unless we end up getting. Back together.” Sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants at this point. She also asked if I was sad she was moving out. I replied “no I am not sad. I think it will be really good for us to be apart”.
I have acted very emotionally stable the last few days with all this her packing to move. She also made comments about my appearance which I responded really cocky and confidently about. (She was really drawn to my confidence when we first met.). After this she displayed a lot of pursuit. Play hitting me, touching me, trying to pop a zit for me, and a lot of flirtatious talking. Interesting last 24 hours and a lot to read but I felt I should document. Thanks guys.
