One last point: I get that people want to offer sound advice, and I am going on limited knowledge because I haven't finished the book (chapter 4 here). Also, it's fairly hectic right now; I teach college and it's finals time! However, what I've read in the book so far doesn't correlate with extreme paranoia and high levels of detachment. So far, she has been repeating "Do not push or expect to go back suddenly to the way things were. Count each baby step and pay attention for them. Be upbeat and happy. Be welcoming."
Again, I haven't read the whole book, so I may change my perspective later.
I guess the true last point here is that everyone's situation is different. I tried to communicate that he has been acting differently. I thought I even outlined our talk 2 days ago. It is as follows:
We actually seemed to have a productive discussion the night before we went to the lawyers about the separation. I asked him what his intentions were at the lawyers, and he said he was going to file for legal separation, but that he wants to try to work to repair the marriage. He said he'd been noticing changes in me the last couple of weeks and that it has made him think things could be different. He opened up and told me how he felt about some of our problems. I listened and apologized. I used validation statements to make him feel I understood. He said that he thinks we can build an even better marriage someday, and he knows change doesn't happen overnight. He listed all the things he noticed about me lately (less anxious, more relaxed, doing things, reading books, not hounding him or prodding him, not demanding he discuss the marriage, not asking him where he is or what he's doing, not messaging him). He said he knows that I trust him now because I don't want to know what he's doing. He says he knows I am more open because I'm not demanding him to answer me and make a decision right away. He says all this has made him think that we can change the way we interact. He's still being a bit critical, but I haven't won him fully back.
He told me that his mother's husband was getting jealous and it made him realize that I was not actually insane. He said that his mother has been telling him what kind of woman he needs, and it has made him realize what he had with me was special. He said he told his mother that a woman like X isn't something he cares about. He kept talking. He said that we have similar interests, can talk for hours, I'm intelligent and classy, he's highly attracted to me, we have a lot of fun together, we love doing the same kinds of things, and that he knows this will be difficult to find in another person. He told me to trust him and give him time. He was going to work on his mom by asking her why she wasn't just divorcing her husband for being jealous like she wanted him to divorce his. He said it's his in and he wants to try to make her see that I'm not crazy.
What does bother me is that if the mother is adamant against me no matter what, I'm not sure what he will actually do. That is troubling. However, for the rest of this. Why would a man bother to stay up until 3:30 AM telling you his feelings and flattering you just to make sure "you are plan B" or "you do what he wants"? The cynicism was really making me look at stuff negatively. After the posts yesterday, I went into the lawyers office freaked and expecting another BD. I was highly suspicious and the H picked up on it. This made him wonder what was going on with me. I need to relax, so I just want to focus on all the positives in my life. Be happy about my own changes and our baby steps and continue to work on myself ONLY. Continue to value myself and work to be a better, more productive me.
I won't write a long post, because I think you've been given really great suggestions from people more experienced and wiser than I am. I know the abrupt advice sometimes hurts, but it helps too and in my experience what is hardest to hear is often the thing we most need to pay attention to.
What I would ask you to think about is the fact that he says he is working on getting his mother to change her mind about you. You've mentioned this a couple of times as a sign of a positive change. To me, there is another way of looking at this. You are his wife. In an ideal world his mother's opinion of you shouldn't matter (unless you are abusive and she is telling him you are, or something like that...) His loyalty needs to be with you. He needs to be on your side, and more interested in getting you to like his mother, rather than the other way around...
It still speaks to me that his priorities are wrong and that you're accepting crumbs. I agree with you it is good to look for the baby steps and be positive about them. But it is also important not to lose sight of the bigger picture.
He was wanting both at first, but we had some knock-down drag out fights over my own jealousy. This is his bio-mom and I really wasn't understanding. I can admit that. He complained and complained about it. Said he didn't want to choose. Begged me to give him time to develop the relationship, and then after I kept it going: poof: BD.
I haven't been blaming him for his limerence. It a hard thing he's going through. I don't like his original decision to end the marriage, but I do think he's getting outside pressure based on what he's communicated to the bio-mom. I wouldn't say these are crumbs. I think he's had a lot of confusion. He chose to go off to be with them, but I know I put an immense amount of pressure on him. Something he has told me a couple of times. I have taken pressure off, and I hope that this makes him stand up to mommy more instead of identifying with her. From what I've seen people call crumbs here, I cannot say that he is giving me crumbs. Did you read the discussions we've had? I wouldn't call that crumbs. Baby steps, but not crumbs.
InLove, the approach you take is up to you. It's just a huge red flag to me that he's still pushing for S. I've seen so many situations over the years where the WAS "dangles the carrot" because they have a secret agenda. It's not always clear what the agenda is, but it's been quite consistent that when they say one thing (or two or three things) and do another, the stuff they were saying was all just a smokescreen. Sometimes they do it to hide an affair, sometimes they do it because they want more child custody, sometimes they do it because they want to gain a financial advantage in S or D. But inevitably, when they say they have hope for a great future while continuing to pursue S or D, they are just plain lying. So just keep your guard up. Good luck.
Originally Posted by InLove42 I have worried though because he says when they touch he feels an electric current. That does seem a little strange!
I think it was you that said that this is a documented phenomena -- a strong attraction/pull between a parent and bio child reuniting in adulthood.
No Blu, it was me......but there was no response to my post. I'm glad you spoke up, so maybe she won't think I'm just a weirdo.
InLove42, sorry if the board has made you feel more anxious. I don't think anyone was rude to you. I hope you'll finish the book. You'll find it easier to handle.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm going to go ahead and just say it, your husband has absolutely no boundaries. He had an affair years ago and I don't see where he ever received any kind of therapy or established what was broken in him to do such a thing. He has MAJOR mommy issues and still appears to have crap boundaries and now has a pseudo-girlfriend dynamic with his biological mother. There is a little understood issue called Genetic Sexual Attraction and there has been minimal studies done. There appears to be a problem (it's rare but occurs) with reunions of family member separated by adoption (or in this case, abandonment.) This relationship is WRONG, it doesn't matter that it is his mother, it's wrong. I don't think there was anything you did or didn't do to push him into this bizarre dynamic. Rather I see him rewriting a marriage to fit and excuse this really inappropriate situation with his mother.
While I believe in DBing I don't think MWD ever imagined that the OW would be a WS parent! Her husband seems to be projecting BIG TIME onto InLove42 by spying on her, stating she is "out partying with guys" and overall being abusive and controlling to her. I do think IL42 needs to put strong boundaries into place, call a spade a spade and tell her husband she can be the only "spouse" relationship if she plans to stay married to him. It is very squicky that he STAYS overnight with his bio-mom in place of his wife. IL42, take what works and throw out the rest. Your husband became nervous and upset when you appeared to be moving on? I say continue to GAL and move on. He needs a HUGE wake-up call before he slips past a line he cannot uncross again. Stop telling him you want to "work on the marriage" instead let him know that you love him and will prove it by giving him what he wants, a divorce. After that, go completely dark and seriously fill up your time with Salsa dancing, be with supportive friends, and take up hobbies that keep you out of the camera ridden home as much as possible. You have the potential of turning this thing around but it requires a lot of counter-intuitive moves. There are no kids to force contact so make yourself mysterious and elusive.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Well said PsySara, there's just something that strikes me as very creepy and "wrong" about his R with his mom but you described it much better than I could!
