I have worried though because he says when they touch he feels an electric current. That does seem a little strange!
This second post was a response to genetic sexual attraction. I don't think there is anything actually happening there.
I don't see how this is believing what I want. He could get a divorce if he wants to get a divorce. I'm reading the book and I will apply the principles, but I think there is some bitterness here. I don't see how saying you don't want a divorce is a bad thing. I learned the technique from a counselor. They said to say, I can see I've hurt you and that you are upset. I don't want a divorce, but I am starting to see why you do. You are right that we have problems. But I do love you and I don't want to just walk away.
This is what I've been saying.
InLove, there is no bitterness. I've been through this and SAVED my marriage. Many of the vets here have seen this 1000 times. We know what works and what doesn't.
I've never said saying you don't want a D is something you shouldn't say. I said it to my W when she was a walkaway. However, there is a RIGHT way to say it and a WRONG way to say it.
RIght way: "I understand you feel that this is what you need to do. I do not agree with it, and I do not want a divorce. However, I know that it takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce. Therefore, I will not stand in your way if you continue to feel that is what you want."
Wrong way: Crying....."Please reconsider! I do not want a divorce. I will do anything you want me to do to prevent a divorce! Name it and I will do it!"
The other thing is that once you've stated it the right way....STOP SAYING IT. LBSs think their WASs have short memories and can't remember what the LBS has said before. Heck, LBSs also seem to think that WASs can't even remember what the WAS themselves had said before.
Moving on doesn't mean you go file for D, push it through, and go on your way. In fact, most of us say DO NOT MAKE THE D EASY. As in, do not do the WAS's dirty work for them. You don't have to try to stand in the way, but you do not have to move it forward.
Ex: WAS: "We need to call the court by Saturday to confirm our court date. Can you do that please?" LBS: "Sorry, I am very busy this week and will not have time to get to that."
Make them do the dirty work!
Moving on means you GAL. You detach. You work on yourself. Either he WILL come around and start working on fixing things (notice: NOT talking about it), or he won't. But the point of DBing is it is setting you the LBS up for the future no matter what that future is.
I hope this helps.
And if he is telling you that "it is electric when they touch", sorry, but that means you are still Plan B for now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And if he is telling you that "it is electric when they touch", sorry, but that means you are still Plan B for now.
This is his bio mom, not an affair. I don't think he recognizes anything weird. He seems very innocent about it and he said he thinks it's because he is so connected to her. He even said there is no point in me being jealous or her husband being jealous because there is nothing to be jealous about. He also says, she's just my mom and we have a special connection. I think he honestly is just enamored with her because of his abandonment issues.
Oh that's right. Sorry I was confusing your sitch for another. However, the phone number thing is huge. He can tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. But until you can contact him like a W should be able to contact a H, it is all talk.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Update, hubby told me that we need to sit down with the lawyer and draw up a legal separation, not divorce. He said he's been thinking a lot lately and wants to try to build a new marriage. I went ahead and asked him what his intentions were with our relationship and the visit with the lawyer. He said he's starting to see my changes, but he said we both have a lot of work to rebuild. I am reading the book still and hoping that it gives me some ideas on that end.
I'm a little confused on why we can't just stop the divorce proceedings period. He said that he loves me and that he won't find another person like me. He said he has a lot of work to convince the bio mom. He didn't say what would happen as far as living situations, but he still wants to sell the house (I think). He hasn't communicated a lot about our future, but he has told me a lot of his own feelings and how special our relationship is to him. He told me he is still very attracted to me and he still loves being with me. He did tell me that he thinks things will be better for us and that we can build an even better marriage than before.
Should I trust this?
No no NO you should't trust it!!!! Do I need to remind you that less than 24 hours ago you posted this?
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He is playing games. Doing push-pull. He hugged me the day before yesterday: twice. Yesterday, I left to get us coffees, and as I was leaving he said "I love you." Speaking of our best couple friends, he said if you see them before I do, say "hello." But, I mean, you might not, so. This is the only time he has referenced our old life together. But then, no hugs this morning. Still slept on the sofa. Still stayed away from me for the most part, physically. No real references to us other than that. I just don't get him.
And this?
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I know I go back and forth, but why would I want to be with someone who abandons a 23 year relationship? What happens if I feel like this/ I'm trying not to show it, but after spending 2 days hanging out with him, I'm just getting even more mad. Like I'm starting to wonder why I'd even want this man.
Sorry but you were right the first time, he's playing games with you. You are Plan B like Steve said. Your instincts right now are to run back to him with arms open wide. I promise if you do you are just going to get BD'd all over again, and probably sooner rather than later. This happens a lot, especially with men going through MLC. They'll have a "false epiphany" and tell the LBW things that a day later are gone and forgotten. Your approach should be to tell him that you both need time to process this. Set boundaries, such as requiring that he go through IC and MC before you will consider reconciling. Then MAKE HIM DO ALL THE WORK. There have been quite a few stories here where LBW's let their WAH back too quickly and they left again a week or month later, and things were far worse after it happened.
The number stuff is my fault. I think he'll come around on that. When he was pulling away, I pursued with a vengeance. I was texting him like a mad woman and hounding him at work, telling him he was being "this" and "that" and I would leave, etc. He told me last night that he was starting to feel jumpy every time he had a text. He said he thinks I am changing, but that it was a bit hard for him at the time. He joined his mom's plan, and I suspect that since he told her about them she might not want me to have that number. We will see if this changes. I'm trying to be positive about the baby steps in our relationship.
He told me last night the reason he said I love you and said those things is that he has started to think the relationship can be mended. I don't see how that is an indicator of anything. Baby steps, like her books discusses. It doesn't happen overnight.
What we're trying to tell you is that baby steps are actions. Not words. He can say anything. What is he DOING??
Can you call him? No. Is he back home? No. Has he withdrawn the legal divorce proceedings? No.
He has said and not done. AS, myself, and lots of other here have seen this game before. Maybe we'll be wrong. I hope we are. But you need to brace yourself for the worst.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am sorry you are here. What a mess. ... Sadly, I do think you need to treat this the same as an affair. It very much sounds like it is, bio mom, or not. 150-250 texts a day, hurriedly wanting a D, planning to move in with her after just meeting her -- this is the same psychology as an A (the limerance, obsession and addiction), whether it is s-xual in nature or not. Please listen to these guys, they truly want to help you. ...
I think it was you that said that this is a documented phenomena -- a strong attraction/pull between a parent and bio child reuniting in adulthood. I can speak to this as well. Others here describe it as creepy and disturbing and I think that's because most people just cannot relate. It makes us uncomfortable. It took me some time to understand it too.
I do know that it happens though and know a sitch (friend of a close friend of mine) very similar to what you are describing. It resulted in a full blown romantic and s-xual relationship. They were completely obsessed with one another and even described it as feeling like a strong force of nature. My friend herself was very understanding because she belonged to many adoption groups herself and longed to have known her own bio father. Through her groups (she was involved in many) she came to see this type of R evolve more than once. It took me some time to understand it myself, but that is only because I cannot relate.
Of course I have no idea what the R is between your H and his mother. What you are describing tho is in many ways similar to the rest of us and he is in the fog and deep in limerance. Sadly, your only option right now is to let go. In time, the intensity and drama will subside, and it is very, very unlikely that they will have any long term romantic R. What the posters are telling you is that you cannot make him see the light, force him into reality, or convince him to give you another chance. Only time can do that. Spend the time apart taking care of yourself and becoming the best version of yourself that you can. It is very likely that down the road -- as his fog lifts -- he will look back over his shoulder.
Take care, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Is he back home? No. Has he withdrawn the legal divorce proceedings?
He is home during the week and eating dinner with me and hanging out all this week. This is the first week he has actually been coming home in the evenings. Before it was 2:30 AM to not at all. We went to the lawyers to draw up the papers per prearranged agreement and he withdrew the divorce and did a legal separation so that we are splitting everything 50/50 and selling the house (something he's wanted for a long time now). He told me on the way out of the office that he is working on changing his mother's mind about me.
Last night after sitting down with the lawyers to go over the separation, we ate dinner together and he was talking about how happy he was and that he really believes we have too much good to throw away our marriage. He said, I know we can do this and make an even better, stronger marriage. I did not start that conversation. He did hold me a bit last night, and he said, you feel so good. He hugged me this morning and said he had a fun week and to be good this weekend. He goes to his mom's on the weekends. Baby steps. He still slept on the sofa and there is no kissing etc.
I don't think he'd actually have an affair with his mother. He couldn't do it. I know him. Married for 23 years. He had a mental breakdown once when he almost cheated 16 years ago. He was distraught because of the immorality of it all. I think he doesn't know this is a form of limerence, but you are right it definitely is.
