So I am new here and most likely done in my marriage. We have the paperwork just need to fill it out, anyways here’s the background . We have been married 27 years and have many issues.
I had a affair 10 years ago and lied about it the whole time.
I was never caught but she always suspected. It was a EA that turned PA after many months than just EA. It went on for about a year total. After it ended I was a mess with guilt at what I had done and I never spoke to anyone about it for all those years, nobody knew. I stayed in the marriage but I did truly love my wife but because I can be very passive and passive aggressive I never told my wife that I felt something was missing at that time in our relationship.
She had a medical condition that had her laid up for about 4-6 months and it took a hit on our relationship at that time. I had the typical withdrawal stuff and was very emotional unavailable to my wife, and for 8 years following because of my guilt I could never get past what I did and it caused me to be very distant and emotionally unavailable to my wife.
She would about beg me to come to bed or hug her and such and I was just so guilt ridden and when we did have she or cuddle it paralyzed me because she would ask questions on why we could be like this all the time and ect, and it just killed me inside because I so wanted to be and have everything back to normal but I could never get over the hump when she would question me. Like I said this went on for about 8 years and I could see she was becoming weary of the marriage but of the lack of intimacy. She even did thing to try to get s reaction from or any attention and it just made me further distant because of my guilt. Well as you might expect she was starving for affection and emotional connection, she eventual gave up and had a affair herself. When I found out I went nuts but I also knew why it happened and even told her as much. She said she didn’t think she loved me anymore and was planning on divorcing me. I begged her to stay and give me a chance to change and such. Well she she would but unfortunately she was to far gone because of all those years and I had squeezed the love she had for me right of of her heart.
She did try for two more years, but she could never give up the OM and keep having contact the past two years that we were trying to reconcile. She would go a little while without contact but it never lasted. We did have some very good stretches during those two years but there was always a undercurrent as well.
She always suspected about my affair but never had actual proof. Well thing we decent that year and she still had those years of emotional and affectionate less years eating at hear and last July she confronted me again and said that she would give me a couple days but she want the real answer about if I had a affair. Well I knew we would never be able to move for if I didn’t come clean and it would also free me from the guilt and burden I have carried from lying all those years , so I finally confessed to her.
Needless to say it did not go well, and she left for a few days. She came back because we had a trip planned with our kids but once we return the pain and heartache obviously were still there and later a month or so later she went to a hotel for 30 days. She did come back home but things were never the same and she was still in contact with OM. We have been work to try to say things but she said she just can get over all her resent and hurt from All those years after my affair that I was unavailable, even though I wanted to be so bad, my guilt consumed me.
In January of this year she said she wanted a divorce and that she had thought about this for 4 years and I knew she was done. But surprising on the day she was suppose to leave she broke down crying saying she didn’t want to leave and she end up staying.
Things got better at least on the surface but the hurt and anger and resentment was always there unless she tried to shove it down and now again she said she can’t do it again and for her own mental health and that she no longer have romantic love for me she needed out . She has been up till March still in contact with OM which I don’t think helped but I have tried to get her to stay and she even admits that I am now the husband she always wanted she just can get past all those years she loves me but not the romantic love she said that should be there and the desire. It was too little to late she said..she said she was thinking of divorce for about four years and now knows she needs out as she can’t do this any longer.
Any hope?
Last edited by Cadet; 05/02/1902:13 PM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You have come to the right place Dink. Reading your sitch made me remember mine...
Just release all pressure. Let her be. Control only yourself. Your W has years of past history to resolve. And you both are responsible for that. There are no magic bullets, no magical potions. Take your time to read what Cadet´s posted.
Start working on yourself, we say here it´s a marathon. You are just at the start of it. You are going to need patience, a lot of it.
Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep posting.
Welcome to the forum.
Use your time wisely, as Cadet says.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
