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A Message from Michele
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Moving on to the bright side Part 25 #2846054
04/19/19 02:21 PM
04/19/19 02:21 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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TBSakaJ9  Offline OP
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Link to old:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846047#Post2846047

I am not concerned about being in her presence as we attend all the kids activities at school and their sporting events together. Well, driving separate cars but sitting next to each other, waiting for the other one to arrive, etc. We have always done that...I just didn't want my girls to feel awkward. The only thing that could potentially trip me up a little bit is if her BF is there. Since I have not met him yet that would potentially be difficult but I think I am detached enough now to where it would be ok.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846070
04/19/19 03:44 PM
04/19/19 03:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,702
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LH19 Online
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I would hope she would give you a heads up if he was going.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846080
04/19/19 04:18 PM
04/19/19 04:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,557
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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TBSakaJ9  Offline OP
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She said she would so we shall see.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846092
04/19/19 05:18 PM
04/19/19 05:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,835
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Maika Offline
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I think you're so far into the process and post-D life that meeting the bf shouldn't be as big of a deal compared to when she told you that she had a bf. I met exW's bf for coffee first one-on-one and that kinda paved the way. Gave me a chance to get first impressions and also let him know certain things. It was pretty amicable and I left feeling better.

Don't count on your exW holding her word. My exW didn't give me a heads up when her bf showed up for my kids weekend events. I took that through the lens of having zero expectations from her and her behaviour was not indicative of anything to do with me. I knew that she wanted me to meet her bf so that she could bring him around more - she is extremely impatient. She's made decisions that I wouldn't have made - introduced him to the kids very early on and vice versa. They're going full steam ahead with this blended family situation now and it's really interesting to watch it from afar. I try to not speculate but I do find it bizarre and immature that both of them are going ahead at top notch speed and it's barely been like 3 months since they got together. I am just worried about my kids if things don't work out between them as they are getting attached to his kids and him in some ways as well. Not a good process but I can't do much about it except make sure kids are good on my end.

I did feel a pang of nervousness last time I saw him and her together, but it's pretty low key now. So expect to feel something and if you need to head out to gather your thoughts and emotions, do so. But, it's not that huge especially when you've done so much detachment work. I have zero interest in getting back with her and seems the same with you, so who she chooses to be with is totally her reality and got nothing to do with who you are.

Your exW in some ways has followed a similar script to mine and so don't be surprised if her bf shows up to a kid event.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846127
04/19/19 09:27 PM
04/19/19 09:27 PM
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JujuB Offline
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I have to say, I am so happy this has not been an issue for us yet. When my ex and i both attend sonís events, neither of us have brought our bf/gf. I just donít understand why a bf of mine would need to come watch a school play ex was attending. Even if my ex was not attending, I t would not invite a bf to watch. I would want my sons accomplishment to be celebrated by people my son loves... Not who I love. Or think I might possibly one day love.

I would be super annoyed if ex husbands girlfriend came to watch and it puts an always strain on the kids who sense somethings off. My son is not the most socially perceptive kid in the world. But even he senses and gets uncomfortable and shows off or gets real quiet and listens when something is askew.
. (Itís a different thing if your married are partners for years).

For as much as I complain about my ex, the one good thing he did was never throw another girl in my face...even after the divorce. (He might also be nervous that I would tell her bad things about him. But still) I also am not sure if there was another woman or just an addiction that caused him to do what he did.

But point being... canít these walkaways just let it be about the kids and not about them and their love lives????


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: Maika] #2846155
04/20/19 07:39 AM
04/20/19 07:39 AM
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lcause Offline
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Originally Posted by Maika
I think you're so far into the process and post-D life that meeting the bf shouldn't be as big of a deal compared to when she told you that she had a bf. I met exW's bf for coffee first one-on-one and that kinda paved the way. Gave me a chance to get first impressions and also let him know certain things. It was pretty amicable and I left feeling better.


Why on earth? The thought of meeting my XWs bf hasn't even crossed my mind once. I have no interest in getting to know this person and nothing important what I would want or need to say comes to my mind.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846156
04/20/19 10:29 AM
04/20/19 10:29 AM
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Ginger1 Offline
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I think that sounds like a nice Easter. Your ex has been very respectful of your wishes around BF, I do not think there would be a surprise show up.

I also agree that when he does start showing up to your daughters Events, there is no need for a private sit down. Nothing to gain from it.

We all know my sitch and that we are all very cordial with each other, and make nice gestures. She is also his wife and my daughters step mother. She belongs at my my daughters events because her stepmother should be there supporting her. My daughter should never feel like she doesnít. My other person situation probably takes the cake of awfulness about how it all went down too. I have to fAce the woman who was screwing my husband while I was pregnant with our daughter.

When you are detached enough, itís always best for the kids to see you all be there for them cheering them on !

Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846173
04/20/19 01:36 PM
04/20/19 01:36 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Yeah...I mean I don't personally have a need. He was not around when my xw did what she did so he is really only guilty of courting/dating a woman that wasn't technically divorced yet. I guess that is more of a reflection on both of them but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy. Maybe not the smartest choice in the world but I guess when you hit it off with someone you hit it off IDK.

My girls never talk about him so I assume if there was an issue they would bring it up or if he was really active and involved in their lives as well.

I just don't want them to feel awkward or feel like they have to pick and choose sides. I think I am detached enough to the point to where it won't matter. It actually might be more awkward for her than me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846270
04/21/19 01:52 PM
04/21/19 01:52 PM
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Posts: 1,835
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Maika Offline
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I know my way is not the popular option. I detailed it in my last thread in newcomers. Here is what I am going to say - it is all about context. If your ex had an A and they're with that same person, there's no way I am going to do what I did. I already know the integrity of that person and so it's done.

But I stand by what I did. It made my interactions with him smoother and it also eased the way for the kids to see us all in public settings. the kids see their father who strong, unfazed, and cordial. He is respectful of my role as the father and understands his role. Kids haven't felt at all like they have to pick sides and seem to be transitioning to this reality a lot better than I expected. I credit a whole lot of that to me, and some to W. I am not going to be bff's with him, but I can exercise kindness and civility towards him. He's done nothing wrong to me. This process helped me reach another level of detachment and emotional health.

I am not saying what I did is the 'right' way to do things, or that there aren't other ways to reach a similar outcome for your personal growth. i am saying that context matters and what works for me won't work for you.


No one is coming to save you!

Re: Moving on to the bright side Part 25 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2846285
04/21/19 06:11 PM
04/21/19 06:11 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,557
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Well Easter is fun and relaxing..she didnt bring him.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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