Very very very rarely. He seems to see it as demeaning to apologise. If I was to wait until he actually turned up at my front door showing remorse and promising to do anything in his power to save the marriage, then I'd wait until I was dead. It is just not going to happen. And I need to work on (and I do address this in my IC) knowing this is about who he is and how impossible it is for someone as shame-driven as him to be so vulnerable, rather than about me and my worthiness and how important I am to him.
I am just so sad and afraid. I'm sad about having less time with youngest, and I am sad he won't be in the house if eldest is here. I'm sad. I am going through a really really hard time at work myself right now, and I just want a hug and someone to put the thought into how to care for and support me that I am putting into how to care for him.
I still have worries about the EA. We have spoken about it a fair bit, and I am as sure as I can be that it wasn't a PA (I discovered it and he blocked all contact with her - which was mainly electronic via text and email - though they did have several work lunches together) and I am sure as I can be that he is no longer in touch with her. Apparently she'd started to ignore his messages shortly before I found out. I believe that he isn't seeing her or messaging her right now - he seems to just work and sleep and little else - though he's lied to me before.
What goes around in my head is how he pursued her. Initiated lots of contact (from looking at their texts he always seemed more keen than she did), told her jokes, tried to impress her, told her he couldn't wait to see her again, told her she was a lovely person, etc etc. My heart has been aching to receive that from him for such a long time. And it still is. He does understand this - I was very clear with him at the time. And he was clear enough about what was happening for him - that he felt his role in the relationship was to manage my negative emotions, that it was a tireless and thankless task, that he didn't feel close to me, he just felt scared of my reactions to things, and he wanted something or someone for himself. I guess part of what is bringing this to my mind today is how hard I've tried this past week to show interest in his work, to encourage him, to give him moral support - all of that - and how vulnerable and hurt and just sad it makes me feel that he just doesn't feel that way about me. And that he's content enough to ask for things from me, but there's just nothing in his heart - nothing in him that thinks, 'my wife must be so sad and scared and hurt right now. How can I encourage her?' - and that just hurts me. it really does. This is so hard.
I don't know what to do with myself tonight really. I was okay earlier but now I'm just feeling so low and sad and bereft.
Well, what he did looked like an apology to me, maybe you need to redefine what an apology from him looks like? And you're right, that's about him and not you. Though people can change. Here, have a virtual hug, I know how hard that is to need a hug and not have the person you think should be there for you in your darkest time to give it to you. It gets easier, and you drag yourself out of victim mode a little more each week I promise.
The EA: it's not something you can control, and it's a symptom of what's going on inside him, not a reflection of reality. It's a fantasy, if must have felt like a big thrill and a big game to him, but it's not anything except a sign to what he felt he was missing out on. You are doing brilliantly with supporting him right now, and I know how hard it is to feel he's not reciprocating, but right now he's not really able to focus on your needs. Keep meeting his needs, and hopefully eventually he'll be able to meet yours. And deep down he knows how much he hurt you, but he can't face that right now. He's confused about how he feels about you, but don't assume he doesn't care for you, none of his behaviour right now indicates that. You said that he dislikes you earlier I think? I guarantee that's not true, you wouldn't ask for someone you dislike to text you or to go on a date. The anger and horrible things he said, that's him blaming anyone but himself for his problems, it's not you. But yes, it is so hard. This is the hardest thing I have EVER been through, but it does get easier over time as you get stronger.
Did you look up narcissist? I didn't want to throw terms like that around as we tend to get stuck on labels, but like AS, it was my first thought on reading your sitch and again on reading the above. The inability to apologies, the pursuit of the EA, the bullying and the childishness.
I respect your decision to stand by him and I think you should read up on the above. It takes more than unconditional love to fix a narcissist.
He's not a narcissist, but my father definitely was and I think I tend to see the worst possible spin on his motivations and behaviour because of that.
Or he is a narcissist, and I don't trust my own judgement because my father did a number on me and I can only find that type of man attractive and I need more IC.
I don't know. I am trying to know and be safe and calm but I just don't know.
It's OK. It is difficult to see the truth of it when you are right in the middle and you are right, he might not be.
I've been avoiding spending too much time here so I haven't kept up with your thread. I can see you want it to work though. But it worries me that it is all one way. His feelings. His hurt. His needs. If he were a narcissist, then right now, he has everything he wants and things will never change. Have you thought about taking some time out for you. A weekend away somewhere on your own - get some distance, or perhaps start a hobby which has nothing to do with the two of you. Something just for you?
This wouldn't be about being with him, or not being with him, this would be about finding a way to heal you.
I have been totally honest with IC and family therapist about my behaviour - which has not always been reasonable or acceptable - and his too. She didn't think he was unsuitable for counselling if he wanted it, though that would be up to him - and I know she doesn't do family counseling where there is entrenched patterns of abuse.
I also know I am emotionally reactive and that has had a really bad effect on him - it is a relic from my past and not my fault, but my responsibility to heal.
I do want to heal. I can't get away for weekends at the moment due to childcare, but I am doing the following things:
IC getting out of the house and getting exercise every day visiting friends and letting them know about my feelings without spending hours bad mouthing H - keeping the focus on me and them and not him finding someone to help or show kindness to every day spiritual practice - spending time in prayer and developing in that way food and nutrition - I lost a lot of weight in the first month. I am being really careful about meals and I've stopped smoking as that was affecting my health and my appetite. planning kid-friendly GAL activities every weekend. getting information about a retreat I want to go on when things settle a little and I can get childcare setting up family therapist for myself and kids and possibly H (but definitely myself and kids to help me support them)
if you can think of anything else I can add to this list to keep the focus on me and help me heal I would love suggestions.
I know it's tough. I realized that over the years I had isolated myself. Unintentional. Life with kids does that and before you know it the phone stops ringing and the invites cease. You can't even pinpoint when it happened. It just does.
You sound like you're doing the right things though.
There is a web site called Meet Up. It's not what it sounds like. It is more for people looking to find other people with similar interests. There is something on there for everyone, whether it be a running group, or a walking group. You could try a book club or a film society. Something with a focus. It will also remind you that you are more than a mother and more than a wife. You are someone with opinions and ideas who matters.
If/when you are able to get a few days away then look into a group called FlashPack. I am planning a weekend canoeing in Scotland in May. I am still standing by my marriage but I am not going to stop living whilst I wait for him to sort his [censored] out.
Re the weight. That happens to most of us. It is the flight or fight response not having anywhere to go. We can't fight and we can't flee so the adrenalin has no-where to go. We are stuck. You can't eat when your body is on an adrenalin high. I lost 20% of my body weight in 2 weeks. I didn't even realise I had stopped eating. It gave me a good base to start my fitness kick from. I had to avoid cardio - I didn't have any weight left to lose, but focused instead on yoga and pilates. I have never been in better shape. Silver lining.
I second the Meetup thing, there are so many things on to suit every interest, the event I went to a few weeks ago I found out about through there. It's really nice to have something completely separate from family and the rest of your life. I also wonder if you're religious whether getting involved more in church stuff (assuming it's church, could be mosque/synagogue/whatever) would be a good route to meet more people and develop your network further?
Stopping smoking is a great thing to do, well done!
yes - meetup is good. I might join a walking group. We are getting a dog soon (this has been planned for ages and I decided to go ahead despite the separation - I think I need it and the kids need it and it will be fun and something new we can enjoy without H) and there is a dog walking group so I have made a note of that.
Getting out in the evenings is really tricky right now. I have two weeks until I finish a big work project of my own, then I will be much freer. There is one daytime and a few evening meetings of the church I go to - so I will get more involved in that and I try to be in touch with people who are members for phone calls and visits and stuff - and that's really important to me. I'd like to do that more.
And yes - I am a pretty small person to begin with and I think I lost over a stone in a fortnight. People commented at work and were worried about me. I swapped food for coffee and nictotine but that's stopped now and I am making a lot of efforts with my meals and nutrition. Have also been baking, and I enjoy that very much.
I guess it's just 100% focus on my self care and one foot in front of the other until work quietens down at the end of this month and I can get some space to breathe. I really want to use that time to be outside, listen to podcasts while walking, play with the new dog, have coffee dates with friends, etc. I am actually looking forward to it, and I don't need H to do any of those things, but they aren't things that will sour or risk the possibility of R - if I end up wanting that - either - so like you say, Flying Solo, they are good things to concentrate on while I am uncertain.
Send encouraging message today and got cordial reply. I asked for goodnight texts when I saw him at the weekend.
All of that sounds great . The goodnight texts , are they for you or the kids ? I feel that if it is for you it is extra pressure on him . I know it’s not fair but it’s where we are . Stay strong.
