just wanted to check in with you and say hello. I have a similar situation - in that my H moved out two months ago and since then has pretty much refused any and all contact with our teenager. There's a younger child he sees regularly. It is damaging the relationship between the two children, and though he seems to be making warm overtures towards me and talks about a possible R at some point in the future, I don't see any way I can get closer to him until and unless he makes some serious efforts with the older one. I get the sense he feels he is withdrawing contact and affection in order to teach a lesson - to make sure that the elder one knows that he only gets contact when he behaves right - and I find that attitude so disgusting I can barely look at H sometimes.
Anyway - our situations are a bit different and I am new here but if you had time to give me some suggestions on my thread about how to deal with the two separate issues (possible R and relationship between H and eldest) then I would be grateful.
You sound like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you're well. Cruise sounds good!
Hi Alison,
I am sorry you are going through this and your kids as well. Hope you guys are doing well
I am in no expert in this kind of situation but i am willing to throw in my $0.02. first and foremost i would really advise to take the kids and see a T / IC, especially the teenager. when my WW started her BD, that is one of the first things i did for D14. teens today are full of angst and anger. you can keep on asking them if they’re ok and they just keep on saying yes, but they’re really not alright. D, not only takes a toll on LBS, but it also gives a heavy burden with kids. with regards to my D14’s IC, she was able to express her anger towards WW, even though WW still fights her and just wont validate her statements, the IC works towards your kids in expressing and at the same time teaches them to control their anger. although the R between my D14 and WW has been healed, i can perfectly say that D14 has handled this debacle much stronger and better than i expected.
With regards to your WH you can ask him to go with your teenager and both of them sit down with the IC and figure the R between them out. you can ask WH but you cannot force him. Right now, he is still in limbo and he needs to find out what he wants from all this. Leave him be. You and your kids need to have tour own life. GAL with them.
As for you, as anybody here would tell you,GAL is really important. you have to have a healthy body, mind and spirit to go trough this. tour kids need you more than ever. never be alone by yourself, unless its bedtime, meet and talk to people. You are the better person in this equation and you need to stay that way.
as always, thank you for your valuable advice and comments. they are very much appreciated.
Will be sending her a text message, i just need to drop by here before sending it to her..
“this will be the last time i will be asking you about the mortgage. if you are not willing to pay your part of it then i don’t have a choice but to call the bank and inform them that we will default with our payments. i would assume whoever is advising you also told you how it will negatively impact our credit. if i don’t get a reply from you by this weekend, i will be giving the mortgage company a phone call come monday.
i have spoken to your lawyer and have agreed to meet him on the 18th. if i remember it correctly, in order for you to have your easy way out, i have given you my terms. i will repeat them again; i would want full custody of D14, her to be the 100% beneficiary of my 403 (b), debts split in half, properties and assets acquired in “different country”split in half, my half being given or named after D14. these are my terms, and i have to put D14’s interest and future first. if you are not willing to meet them, i will be cancelling the meeting with your lawyer,i would be retaining one of my own, and will be preparing myself for a court hearing. “ any input would really be appreciated.
Thanks so much for your advice. I have IC for myself, and a family therapist for myself and the children. H has indicated that he'd like to be involved, and has talked to her alone, but we haven't yet had a session all together. As he blames me for the breakdown in the relationship between himself and eldest, my feeling is it would be better to stay out of it, let the two of them speak together with the therapist if they are both willing, and concentrate on taking suggestions from the therapist as to how I can support both kids and change anything that needs to change on my side that is negatively impacting their relationship with H. We'll see. R is not on the table between us - I can't consider that while he's treating one of my children this way - and he knows it, so it is time for me to be quiet and concentrate on myself.
“this will be the last time i will be asking you about the mortgage. if you are not willing to pay your part of it then i don’t have a choice but to call the bank and inform them that we will default with our payments. i would assume whoever is advising you also told you how it will negatively impact our credit. if i don’t get a reply from you by this weekend, i will be giving the mortgage company a phone call come monday.
i have spoken to your lawyer and have agreed to meet him on the 18th. if i remember it correctly, in order for you to have your easy way out, i have given you my terms. i will repeat them again; i would want full custody of D14, her to be the 100% beneficiary of my 403 (b), debts split in half, properties and assets acquired in “different country”split in half, my half being given or named after D14. these are my terms, and i have to put D14’s interest and future first. if you are not willing to meet them, i will be cancelling the meeting with your lawyer,i would be retaining one of my own, and will be preparing myself for a court hearing. “ any input would really be appreciated.
How about: I am reaching out to you one more time to see if you are willing to pay your part of the mortgage. If you choose not to, I will have to call the bank and inform them that we will default on our payments. If I don’t hear from you by this weekend, I will call the mortgage company on Monday.
I have a meeting set up with your Lawyer on March 18th. I will be advising him that I want full custody of D14. We will split all the assets and debts 50/50.
Please let me know if these terms are acceptable to you.
No need to make any threats right now. See if she accepts these terms. You have a lot of anger and bitterness in you.
“this will be the last time i will be asking you about the mortgage. if you are not willing to pay your part of it then i don’t have a choice but to call the bank and inform them that we will default with our payments. i would assume whoever is advising you also told you how it will negatively impact our credit. if i don’t get a reply from you by this weekend, i will be giving the mortgage company a phone call come monday.
i have spoken to your lawyer and have agreed to meet him on the 18th. if i remember it correctly, in order for you to have your easy way out, i have given you my terms. i will repeat them again; i would want full custody of D14, her to be the 100% beneficiary of my 403 (b), debts split in half, properties and assets acquired in “different country”split in half, my half being given or named after D14. these are my terms, and i have to put D14’s interest and future first. if you are not willing to meet them, i will be cancelling the meeting with your lawyer,i would be retaining one of my own, and will be preparing myself for a court hearing. “ any input would really be appreciated.
How about: I am reaching out to you one more time to see if you are willing to pay your part of the mortgage. If you choose not to, I will have to call the bank and inform them that we will default on our payments. If I don’t hear from you by this weekend, I will call the mortgage company on Monday.
I have a meeting set up with your Lawyer on March 18th. I will be advising him that I want full custody of D14. We will split all the assets and debts 50/50.
Please let me know if these terms are acceptable to you.
No need to make any threats right now. See if she accepts these terms. You have a lot of anger and bitterness in you.
Thanks LH. do i sound angry and bitter on with my own reply? To tell you frankly, i don’t feel that way. Not really trying to threaten her, but if that’s how I come across, then I really can’t see it. Anyway, that’s why am here to ask how to reply better without sounding andgry and threatening. Will use yours instead. m
“this will be the last time i will be asking you about the mortgage. if you are not willing to pay your part of it then i don’t have a choice but to call the bank and inform them that we will default with our payments. i would assume whoever is advising you also told you how it will negatively impact our credit. if i don’t get a reply from you by this weekend, i will be giving the mortgage company a phone call come monday.
I assume this is a house mortgage, do the two of you have any equity built up? If so, why would you default on the loan? Assuming there is some equity and assuming you don't want to keep the home I would suggest something more like "W, I can't afford to keep making the mortgage payments alone. If you want to sell the house as we previously discussed then I need for you to pay half the mortgage until we do or we will be at risk of losing the house and our equity, and taking damage to our credit ratings as well. Do you think you can start paying half the mortgage again? If so then we need to discuss how to go about the process of selling the home."
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i have spoken to your lawyer and have agreed to meet him on the 18th. if i remember it correctly, in order for you to have your easy way out, i have given you my terms. i will repeat them again; i would want full custody of D14, her to be the 100% beneficiary of my 403 (b), debts split in half, properties and assets acquired in “different country”split in half, my half being given or named after D14. these are my terms, and i have to put D14’s interest and future first. if you are not willing to meet them, i will be cancelling the meeting with your lawyer,i would be retaining one of my own, and will be preparing myself for a court hearing. “
I agree with LH that it sounds a little threatening, which is likely to invite an equally threatening response back from her. Maybe just say "Before we meet your L I would like to know what your thoughts are on visitation and dividing assets. I sent you my thoughts previously, I would appreciate it if you could let me know before the meeting if we are in agreement or if not then what you are proposing."
I mostly took the above stance with my ex during the proceedings and it really didn't stop her from being a B. I think if I had been confrontational as well then things would have been a whole lot worse though.
“this will be the last time i will be asking you about the mortgage. if you are not willing to pay your part of it then i don’t have a choice but to call the bank and inform them that we will default with our payments. i would assume whoever is advising you also told you how it will negatively impact our credit. if i don’t get a reply from you by this weekend, i will be giving the mortgage company a phone call come monday.
I assume this is a house mortgage, do the two of you have any equity built up? If so, why would you default on the loan? Assuming there is some equity and assuming you don't want to keep the home I would suggest something more like "W, I can't afford to keep making the mortgage payments alone. If you want to sell the house as we previously discussed then I need for you to pay half the mortgage until we do or we will be at risk of losing the house and our equity, and taking damage to our credit ratings as well. Do you think you can start paying half the mortgage again? If so then we need to discuss how to go about the process of selling the home."
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i have spoken to your lawyer and have agreed to meet him on the 18th. if i remember it correctly, in order for you to have your easy way out, i have given you my terms. i will repeat them again; i would want full custody of D14, her to be the 100% beneficiary of my 403 (b), debts split in half, properties and assets acquired in “different country”split in half, my half being given or named after D14. these are my terms, and i have to put D14’s interest and future first. if you are not willing to meet them, i will be cancelling the meeting with your lawyer,i would be retaining one of my own, and will be preparing myself for a court hearing. “
I agree with LH that it sounds a little threatening, which is likely to invite an equally threatening response back from her. Maybe just say "Before we meet your L I would like to know what your thoughts are on visitation and dividing assets. I sent you my thoughts previously, I would appreciate it if you could let me know before the meeting if we are in agreement or if not then what you are proposing."
I mostly took the above stance with my ex during the proceedings and it really didn't stop her from being a B. I think if I had been confrontational as well then things would have been a whole lot worse though.
Thanks again AS. we just moved into this house about a year ago, and according to what i’ve read, it is not wise to sell the house this early as penalties would be incurred. She has informed me to make plans of selling the house about a month ago, but never warned me that she would be stopping paying part of her mortgage. She used to leave checks for bills and the mortgage, then without any warning she decided to stop. I can afford to pay the house myself, but will be using a lot of our credit cards for expenses.Since she left us last august, she hasn’t given any kind of support for D14. really trying not to be confrontational. just want her to realize theta the end result of her current action would be.
“i am reaching out to you one more time as i you well know, i can not afford to keep on making the house payments alone. if you want to sell the house as you previously planned then you need to let me know on how to move forward with it. in the meantime, do you think you can start paying the mortgage again, or i will be left with no choice but to call the mortgage company and default on the payments which will take a big hit in both our credit ratings.
a meeting was set up with your lawyer on the 18th of this month. i have shared with you my thoughts on custody and as well as diving the assets and debts. before sitting down with him and as to have this move as quickly as you want, do you agree on what i will be proposing and if not, i need your input.
Just happened to click on your thread and something resonated with my concerning your sitch that I relate to. I was in a similar circumstance with regard to my mortgage and inability to pay it alone. My WW refused to offer in support, wouldn’t allow me to bring in roommates, (due to my son being with me 50% and not having him in same dwelling as strangers)...essentially she made things as difficult as all heck.
So I turned the tables and reached out to my mortgage company and explained my situation and asked if they offerred any aid. They offerred me and I accepted a 6 month “reprieve” program....which essentially is a reverse mortgage. They agreed to a reduced mortgage payment within my means, while any and all unpaid mortgage amount would be applied to the back end of the note. Now this was also under the understanding that I would be selling the house. But in the end it burned my WW, as I reduced our overall principal by $15k over the time my house was on the market and there wasn’t a thing WW could do about it. One of the reasons she became WW was on the anticipated money she assumed she would be getting from me out of divorce....well now the number is essentially pennies on the dollar.
Just saying I would ask your lender to see if they have any programs. If you can avoid your mortgage from going into default, it can prevent your credit from taking a hit, etc. And it gives your WW a bit of her own medicine.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
