DejaVu6- glad you are doing so well! You seem to be really enjoying your current life. I hope there are many good things in store for you!
I wanted to ask you (and FLySolo)- how are your kids doing with all of the changes? How was it at the beginning when you first broke the news to them? How long has passed? And how are they doing now? Also, what does your custody agreement look like? (If any of these are too personal- I am sorry!).
Right now I am just so sad at the thought of missing out on a chunk of my kids lives. My husband is choosing to leave and miss out and I feel like I have to miss out by default. It makes me both sad and angry. Plus, I am just so terrified for how my kids are going to take it all.
It seems like both of you have adjusted well to the decreased time with kids so maybe there is hope for me.
I tried to look for your thread as was going to post there, but couldn't find one so posting here. DV - apologies for hijacking .
Firstly, I have two children (D9 and D12). My H moved out at end March of last year. We had been discussing him moving out for about three months before, and he had the keys to the flat for a month before he moved out. I had a few conditions (strange thinking I was able to make conditions about him MO):
1. We told the kids together at least two weeks before he left. I wanted them to know that, at least when it came to them, we were still a team and I did not want them to feel abandoned (i.e. telling them one night and then moving out the next day) 2. He got a place with a second bedroom so that they felt that he was making room for them (again, didn't want them to feel abandoned) 3. Once the had the place, he would bring the children and they could help decorate their bedroom (before he MO). 4. When we told them we did not use it as a forum to blame one another. Our stance was "Mummy and Daddy are not getting on and we need time apart because we are always fighting and it is not good for the two of you. This is not because of anything either of you did. We love you both very much. We still love one another. We need to learn how to get on again."
He agreed to all of the conditions. Mainly, I think, because we both adore our children and wanted this to impact them as little as possible.
The both cried (we all cried tbh) and both of their responses were 'how long'. It was not a question either of us could answer, so we both truthfully said "we don't know".
The children have got on as well as expected. They are mostly happy - sometimes because they are genuinely happy and sometimes because they do not want to 'make things worse' by being upset. I look for patterns though. They have been absent from school a lot more (on average 2 days pre MO per annum and now average 4 days per term, particularly D12). They both have reoccurring tummy pain and get angry or quite more quickly. It is never about us being separated. It is just tummy pain or just being quick to anger/cry. We try to get them through this. Distraction, days out, more hugs and an open invite to talk. We constantly remind them how loved they are and we both try not to be negative about the other in front of them. This is not always easy for him because he is naturally critical/angry, but he tries.
At first, I felt like a big part of me was missing whenever they were with him. The thought of them doing 'family' things without me stung and I would always make plans when they were away. But I always made (and make) a big deal about their time with him. I want them to be excited (even when it hurts like a MF) because if they know I am hurting, then they will hurt too. (I hope) he does the same.
D12 has suffered more than D9. She is at an awkward age where everything is changing, not just her family, and it is terribly confusing for her. I try and give her space when she needs it whilst letting her know we are there for her. Sometimes I also have to tell her to stop being a little madam.
Now, I enjoy my time without them. I no longer have to fill the space with distractions because the space is already filled. I know my children are having a good time with their dad and no longer have to pretend I am OK with it. I was also being honest when I said I appreciate the time with them more now. We do things instead of just being together. The girls and I watch movies at home together, we all (my H and I) go to football matches and netball matches together and cheer the children on. I appreciate my time alone, my time with the girls, and my time as a family (when we are all together).
It will get easier Kate. I promise. You have to stop thinking of it as 'missing out'. You will be more present when you have them because you have the time to recharge when you are without them. You will be a fuller person because you will have time for you.
Another day... another dollar... lol. My STBXH randomly texted me today about my holiday asking a few questions. I sensed ulterior motive. Sure enough... he tells me that an offer he put on a house was accepted and that it is basically three blocks away from mine... a 48 second drive...apparently my son wanted to time it. Surprisingly...it doesn’t bother me in the least. In fact, I am super happy about it as it will be the perfect set up for the kids. They will always be near their friends and their school(s). So...I think he wanted me to know but also wanted to let me know when his subject removals are as it will be before the 30 day time limit I have to get him his money. Meeting with my mortgage broker tomorrow after work so should be able to get his money next week sometime. Happy to do it. Just want to move on.
Still talking to Facebook guy every day. For the life of me, I don’t know what I am doing with him...lol. We talk about the strangest things...lol. Tinder guy sent me a picture of his dog today when I was busy at work. I still have not replied and now it is too late as I would look like a total jerk. I probably already do...lol. I was hoping he would just lose interest but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Sigh...
Plenty of Fish is turning out to be a bit of an annoyance lately. It’s just too much work...lol. And what is up with 30 year-olds pretending to be 50 year-olds so they can date an older woman?? Mommy issues? I refuse to date anyone I could reasonably have given birth to...lol. “Jack”, who is 38 [okay I would have been a 13 year-old mother so many not reasonably have been able to give birth to him] has volunteered to be my revenge affair. Too funny. The silly thing is...if I wanted to have a revenge affair, that would imply that I still cared about what my STBXH was up to...that I wanted to get back at him. I realized today that I actually don’t care enough to want revenge. I am just happy for my kids that they are going to be able to always be in their neighbourhood. Now that, my friends, is detachment!!! Thank the maker... I have made it through to the other side!!!
My STBXH made a comment to me the last time I saw him... something about it looking like he was “ahead” because he has a girlfriend... or something to that effect. I didn’t really think about it at the time but I did later. It is funny to me that he thinks he is ahead. Let’s see... he lies his a$$ off for close to five years and misses 80% of his kids lives during that time. He has had at least one affair but I know there has to have been others even if he will never admit it. He then has his final affair with a 37 year-old who looks 50 and whose insides are for sure that old given all her medical problems, he moves in with her and becomes “dad” to her two teenagers and reduces himself back to a 25% dad to his own kids, ruins what relationship he had with his 19 year-old daughter because he cheated on the only person she considers to be a reliable parent, he had no debt and money to spare and now he is going to have a large mortgage and he has jumped from one “committed” relationship right into another without a breath in between. With all of that... he thinks he is ahead. So then there is me... living in my beautiful home with a smallish debt that won’t cramp my style all that much, I get to be on my own 50% (eventually) of the time, I am dating with no shortage of options, meeting tons of new people, I’ve lost 40 pounds and am getting back into shape, I’m standing on my own two feet and living my life for ME. Now I ask you ladies and gentlemen, who is ahead in this game. STBXH... I am soooo far ahead, I can’t even see you anymore!!! Gawd I love my life right now...lol.
Listen... all you LBS’s who think you have lost something because your lame ass husband (or wife) decided someone out there offered him/her a better life... LET THEM GO!!!! The sooner you do, the better off you will be. I was DEVASTATED when my H left... DEVASTATED. I never thought I would be here in a million years. But when the dust settles and the fear subsides, it is amazing how clearly you start to see things. You DO NOT need someone else to define you or make you happy. You don’t. You are enough just the way you are. Make yourself happy and let your S go... it will end up being the best and smartest thing you EVER did.
I'm smiling from ear to ear to read your last post and the happiness and contentment we can hear. I know it is said time and time again on here, but time really is your friend. Step back and assess what is really going on. Fear is what makes us desperate and so you have to rationalise that fear. Then nothing they say affects you because you can realise that fear is not your actual reality.
I'm sure it has it's own challenges, but at least he is getting on with things and your path to freedom is basking in the sunlight.
I'm happy to have stopped tip toeing around mine, constantly worrying about what his reaction to something might be. I've prepared the house for sale and so sent a message saying I was contacting the agent to take the photographs. I also told him that I was taking over the mortgage payment. I got a response 3 days later which said he had spoken to the agent about timings of the sale and that perhaps I should do the same. H speak for 'you're wrong'
Of course I'll speak to the agent (everybody's panicking about Brexit) but I did reply that perhaps we didn't have that luxury as the house was a burden. I also suggested that perhaps he would like to just say what he thinks rather than clouding everything in mystery. The joys of divorcing a lawyer. lol.
I am so so happy for you DV. You've been through the ringer and back a few times. We could all tell that you deserved so much more and now you realise it too.
It is great reading your posts. They make me smile too DV.
I think Yorkie is right (isn't she always :)), for you moving on was always about fear. At first, fear of losing him, but after four years of being without him, you had already learned to live without him (you just didn't know it), then fear of losing your children and fear your children would be missing out by not having a nuclear family, and finally, fear of being alone. But you've faced those fears, and like Yorkie said, what you feared is not actually your reality. So good for you. If I ever get to the point that I stand down, then you will be my inspiration.
Yorkie - three days to respond and what a response. Just enough words to make you feel incompetent. What a condescending tw@t. If you wait for Brexit to happen, you could be living in that house for a long time.
WooHoo kid-free weekends!! Me too this weekend DV6!!
I know for many folks new here how horrible that might sound, but with time as you move through your sitch you will get there as well. For sure there's a period of sadness then guilt you have to get through, but once you see that your kids survive, thrive and are doing just fine you really start to value it just like FlySolo says. And she's 100% right, when D4 comes back to me, I'm ready for us to go full throttle having fun. It is IMPOSSIBLE seemingly at first to believe that the actions of your WW may in fact make you happier. You will fight the logic in your head when you whisper to yourself "you know maybe WW was right, this IS for the best". That is a confusing pill to swallow. I simply rewrote my acceptance of the new arrangement away from my WW being right and more to the idea that this path in my life was simply the path my life was always meant to travel. It is HARD to grant yourself the grace needed to shift the gears through this quickly, but with time you will make it through.
Yorkie & FS... my two wonderful friends and inspirations from across the ocean. Thank-you for your encouragement and your support for all these months. I have learned so much from both of you and there were days when I felt so down but would read your comments on my thread and it would help to pick myself up and keep going.
Yorkie - You just keep on your path and sell that house if that is what you want to do. FS is right. Condescending tw@t who wants to keep you sitting there while he plays house with his mistress. Stay strong. One step at a time.
FS. You are an inspiration already and I am flattered that you would see me in that way. Everything you told me would happen, did happen... as soon as I stopped fighting it and looked at it with clear eyes. Thank you for not giving up on me. When/if you decide to stop standing, you won’t need an inspiration. You will rock it all on your own. Guaranteed!
Kate11... Sorry it took me awhile to respond. I didn’t see your post right away because I think you were writing it at the same time as I was writing mine. FS’s way of telling the kids is textbook and the exact right way to do it. My sitch was a little different so it didn’t really happen that way for me. My XH was so absent in the years leading up to this that my kids got used to him not being around so it hasn’t been as abrupt of a change for me or them. We also never told them explicitly in a sit-down that we were getting a divorce - mostly because neither of us said the word for a long time. So it was more of a gradual getting used to the idea kind of thing. Eventually they came out an asked me and I just confirmed it and answered their questions. They were really good about it and have accepted it.
If I could do anything different, I would have tried to keep my emotions more in check at the beginning of this. I’ve discovered that your kids will take their cues from you and will look to you to decide how they feel about things. My XH’s back and forth behaviour made that really difficult for me so they did see me cry a few times. I have not lied to them ever. When they’ve had questions, I’ve answered them as best I could. They know just from observation that this was not my idea. They have witnessed their dad lying to people so they have made their own conclusions about that. When we do talk about it, I reassure them that both of their parents love them and want the best for them. I am pleasant to their dad when I see him and they watch that too. I smile and hug them when they leave and tell them to have fun with dad. I text them or talk to them (they prefer text I think) every night and tell them goodnight and that I love them. They are pretty settled now.
When I read your words, it took me back to the early days. I know EXACTLY how you feel because I felt the same way. I HATED when they were with their dad and his “roommate”... I hated that they were leading a separate life from me and making memories that did not include me. That bothered me for a long time. But guess what... when they are with me, we are making memories that do not include their dad and they have many more of those with me than with him. He has to deal with that too. We just got back from a holiday and had a great time. He was not a part of it.
People on here told me that I would get used to the time apart and would even come to enjoy it one day. I didn’t want to believe them. It wasn’t what I wanted or what I had planned... it was not fair that he could take them away from me for that amount of time when it was him who walked away and chose to break up our family. The thing is, he didn’t break . The relationship I have with my kids is solid and cannot be damaged by time apart. In fact, in a lot of ways, it has made things better. My time on my own recharges me and reminds me that I am a mom but also a person who has needs of her own and that I matter. When they are home, they get a mom with more energy who is more present. They get a mom who is happy. And they also get a dad who is actually trying and is present. They haven’t had that in a long time. I am happy for them... and for him. He was missing out on a lot.
So far the kids are mostly with me because they share a room at his place and they would prefer to be home in their own rooms. Once he moves to his new place, we will follow a 2-3-2 alternating schedule so they don’t have to be apart from either of us for too long. If that proves to be too many switches, we may go to a week on, week off schedule. Also...with him buying a house so close by, I imagine things might change a bit over time according to what the kids want. Regardless, I know that both of us will have lots of time with them.
Bottom line is that your kids will take their cues from you. If you look like you are doing okay, they will internally take that as permission for them to be okay too. You don’t necessarily have to tell them that but you do have to show them because that is what they will believe. If you tell them everything is going to be fine and you don’t look like you believe it, they won’t believe you either. So be strong Kate. You’ve got this. Believe me when I tell you... it WILL get better. Read my thread... I was a mess. I got dragged through this process kicking and screaming. I didn’t want it. It wasn’t fair. I was so sad and scared. I don’t have those thoughts anymore. I am happy and I am strong. You will get there too. Promise. (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
Hi Deja. Haven't been on the newcomers thread in a while. Nice to see you are doing so well! I haven't read about your sitch in a while, so I missed whether you filed or your H filed for D? Just curious, as I am mulling over whether I want to consider pursuing this. I've been struggling with detaching, and I know that a D will not help me detach, but sometimes I wonder if it might help nudge me. I'm trying to commit to living my life "as if" H is no longer in the picture. He really isn't, but he's never mentioned D. I am trying not to let that keep me from moving forward.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My STBXH made a comment to me the last time I saw him... something about it looking like he was “ahead” because he has a girlfriend... or something to that effect. I didn’t really think about it at the time but I did later. It is funny to me that he thinks he is ahead. Let’s see... he lies his a$$ off for close to five years and misses 80% of his kids lives during that time. He has had at least one affair but I know there has to have been others even if he will never admit it. He then has his final affair with a 37 year-old who looks 50 and whose insides are for sure that old given all her medical problems, he moves in with her and becomes “dad” to her two teenagers and reduces himself back to a 25% dad to his own kids, ruins what relationship he had with his 19 year-old daughter because he cheated on the only person she considers to be a reliable parent, he had no debt and money to spare and now he is going to have a large mortgage and he has jumped from one “committed” relationship right into another without a breath in between. With all of that... he thinks he is ahead. So then there is me... living in my beautiful home with a smallish debt that won’t cramp my style all that much, I get to be on my own 50% (eventually) of the time, I am dating with no shortage of options, meeting tons of new people, I’ve lost 40 pounds and am getting back into shape, I’m standing on my own two feet and living my life for ME. Now I ask you ladies and gentlemen, who is ahead in this game. STBXH... I am soooo far ahead, I can’t even see you anymore!!! Gawd I love my life right now...lol.
Listen... all you LBS’s who think you have lost something because your lame ass husband (or wife) decided someone out there offered him/her a better life... LET THEM GO!!!! The sooner you do, the better off you will be. I was DEVASTATED when my H left... DEVASTATED. I never thought I would be here in a million years. But when the dust settles and the fear subsides, it is amazing how clearly you start to see things. You DO NOT need someone else to define you or make you happy. You don’t. You are enough just the way you are. Make yourself happy and let your S go... it will end up being the best and smartest thing you EVER did.
I love this. It is really funny he thinks that. I know I am so far ahead of my H too in my happiness and living a (mostly) content and happy life. But I find myself a bit jealous that H is with someone else. So, I have a long way to go in letting him go. I wouldn't have those feelings if I had already let go. I do not in any way feel I need him or anyone to define me or make me happy, but the loss of my friend/companion is profound sometime. I doubt I will ever get that back. Maybe I don't even want that back.
Anyway, I'm happy for you! We came here at about the same time and you've given me sage advice over the months. Thanks for that. I appreciate it!
Grace...so nice to hear from you and thank you for your kind words. RE: the divorce. My H is filing. It’s his show so he may as well pay for most of it. Whether or not to file is completely up to you. If you don’t think it will help you detach and you still have hope that things will change, I would say you should just leave things as is. If there comes a time when you feel differently and want a divorce, it will be an easy decision. I would not, however, file to try to get a reaction out of him or nudge him in any way. You might only be setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t get the outcome you are hoping for. (((Grace))). I know how hard this is.
So...spent more time with Facebook guy. We were just going to get together today but he was bored last night and had to pick up some things at Costco so I suggested he stay over as I had a couple spare rooms with the kids away. He showed up at around 8:00 and met my stepdaughter who had just arrived. They bonded over tattoos...lol. She left soon after to go out with her sister and he and I played some pool (he has clearly played before) and then sat out on my deck talking until around midnight. The next morning he made me and my stepdaughter breakfast and then left to go to Costco. He texted me awhile later and I drove to meet him at a local lake so we could go on a hike.
OMG... this was not a nice stroll around the lake. We basically hiked straight up the mountainside for an hour and a half until we got to the top and could see the ocean. By the end of the hike, my Fitbit told me I did over 15,000 steps, 9.6 kilometres and 175 flights of stairs...lol. I was pretty proud of myself for not having to stop too many times. We did stop for a few minutes half way up to look at the lake before continuing to the top. He does hikes like this two to three times a week. I can totally see why he is in such great shape. At the very least, I am going to get in a lot better shape if I spend any kind of time with him. After the hike, we had a little picnic next to the lake. It was really nice. We sat and talked some more and just enjoyed the view and the quiet calm of the water. After the picnic, he headed off to his place to go kayaking with a buddy of his (yes...he seems to be incapable of just sitting for very long) and I headed back to my place. I can feel that tomorrow is going to be a pretty sore day for me...lol. My muscles are just not used to hiking like that. I get why he likes it so much though. Once you get used to it, it would be a fantastic way to get/stay in shape.
My kids are back tomorrow. Haven’t seen them since Wednesday so really looking forward to seeing them. Facebook guy has his daughter on Monday and Tuesday. My kids are going to their dad’s on Wednesday for an overnight so Facebook guy is going to come for dinner so I can teach him how to make my favourite Thai curry. So...after spending all this time with him, I still don’t know how I feel about him...lol. It is the weirdest thing. I just really, really like being around him. I scrolled through his friends list on Facebook today. Was surprised to see how many friends we have in common and I didn’t know him. Small world, I guess.
Sent a “break-up” text to Tinder guy because he keeps sending me texts and is clearly into me. I was as nice as I could be and told him that I think he deserves someone really great but that I know that person isn’t me. I even told him I was seeing someone. So... 24 hours later, he sends me a text that he is having some surgery soon and after he recovers, he would like to date me... as if he hadn’t even read what I sent. I couldn’t believe it. My SD19 says I should just block him on my phone. Luckily he does not know my last name nor where I live.
Anyway...that’s it for an update from me. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
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