Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[SoTorn]

thread 1

Today WW and I were both off. We are both off this whole week. Being scarce is going to be hard. However, I continued with GAL. I woke up, did my laundry, cleaned MBR.

WW came back from dropping D16 off at school. No small talk or contact at all. I left for several hours to run errands.

When I returned D16 and S11 were alone. WW had another IC session. She has been doing IC which obviously helped nothing.

D16 asked if she could go to her friends to do homework and I said yes. In the past, they always asked WW. But since the 1.5 years of abandonment from WW passed, they ask me for everything now. I am courteous that WW is theor mom and usually say I'm ok as long as she is. But shes ignoring kids, so I said yes.

WW returned shortly after, and once again came in MBR without knocking, even though she has asked me to knock.

WW immediately started yelling that D16 stayed home today. WW had grounded D16 for staying home. I asked WW to calm down. I advised that I would get D16 back home and I did.

WW continued to complain and said that D16 was being a "little bitch" today. I politely asked WW to not call our children names.

I told WW that if she instructs kids to do something she needs to let me know because I am not trying to override her. WW didn't confirm my request.

Something funny tonight. Twice so far I have been talking to S11 and the cat. Yes the cat. And WW assumed I was talking to her. Both times WW heard something completely different than what I said and thought I was talking to her. Both times I advised that my comments were not directed at her.

The second time WW was on her phone in the kitchen waiting for dinner. I asked the cat, yes the cat, why he was in the counter. WW thought I asked "why are you always on your phone"

So since WW thought I asked her a question she retorted that she was waiting on dinner and had nothing else to do. I advised that my question was rhetorical and directed at the cat. However, I did state that I dont care if shes on her phone as long as it wasnt with OM in our home as that is very disrespectful. WW did not respond to that. However, she did not roll her eyes as usual.

WW cooked a great dinner. She is a really good cook. She just doesn't cook that often anymore.

I thanked her for dinner. I served myself and sat at the head of the table. WW had served S11 in the TV room. Since I sat at the table WW asked S11 to join us. S11 balked, but I asked and he obliged.

WW served herself and initially sat a space away from me. But she paused and moved to the seat right next to me. D16 and friend came down and we had a nice dinner. I chit chatted with the kids and made them laugh. WW awkwardly attempted a bit of conversation with D16 and S11 that didn't turn into anything. I am in a good mood, so my kids are as well and everyone but WW was laughing.

WW finished and got up. I collected the empty plates and asked the kids to do the dishes. I advised I would help to nudge them along.

WW faded away back upstairs into D19s room where shes been since September 24th. Kids retreated to Xbox and their rooms. I invited D16 to go to the gym at 8Pm as I am going with a friend.

Odd behavior from WW continues. D16 told me in passing that WW is mad at her. I told D16 not to sweat it and to be cordial. D16 asked if I thought WW was putting up a front by sitting next to me. I told D16 not to worry about anything like that because I'm not.

I'll take WW sitting with me at face value. WW chose to sit by me and I appreciate it regardless of reasoning.

Off to the gym. I'm 1lb from goal weight. But I ate Burger King today and it was sooooooo good.

[DejaVu6]

Sounds like a really good day ST. Good for you!!! Looks like you are getting yourself together and finding your way. I can’t imagine what it is like to live with you WW. Mine was gone before I even realized what was happening. Part of me wishes he had been around a while longer but the other part of me is glad that I don’t have to see him every day and feel that rejection feeling over and over. It is hard enough dealing with it as is. Anyway...keep up the good work!!!

[Yail]

I might have missed something in your thread, so forgive me if this is redundant. But can you explain why you say IC is "obviously not helping" WW? Were you referring to not helping your relationship, or not helping her as an individual?

[SoTorn]

I might have missed something in your thread, so forgive me if this is redundant. But can you explain why you say IC is "obviously not helping" WW? Were you referring to not helping your relationship, or not helping her as an individual?

IC is not helping WW. She was going prior to BD. I believe her IC just told her to do what makes her happy. But then I'm just assuming. In our one MC session right after BD the counselor advised WW that she had some serious personal issues she needed to work on based on how she gas lighted me and had an A.

[SoTorn]

Sounds like a really good day ST. Good for you!!! Looks like you are getting yourself together and finding your way. I can’t imagine what it is like to live with you WW. Mine was gone before I even realized what was happening. Part of me wishes he had been around a while longer but the other part of me is glad that I don’t have to see him every day and feel that rejection feeling over and over. It is hard enough dealing with it as is. Anyway...keep up the good work!!!

I actually dont feel bad about seeing her. It's weird. Did I detach too easily or too fast? The only thing that makes me sad is seeing the woman that I love fall so far so fast. I do love her still and always will.

[SoTorn]

Another day with the WW and I off work. Finishing up laundry and goi g to get out of the house. Dont know what I'm going to do but I'm not staying in for sure.

[neffer]

You´ll find something. Go!

[Yail]

I might have missed something in your thread, so forgive me if this is redundant. But can you explain why you say IC is "obviously not helping" WW? Were you referring to not helping your relationship, or not helping her as an individual?

IC is not helping WW. She was going prior to BD. I believe her IC just told her to do what makes her happy. But then I'm just assuming. In our one MC session right after BD the counselor advised WW that she had some serious personal issues she needed to work on based on how she gas lighted me and had an A.

How is IC telling her to do what makes her happy different than validating? If WW feels they need to do something, and IC says "take action!", will that not ultimately help WW see what is or is not important to her?

[lost8]

Barnes and Noble used to be the best. Go in and sample read everything, but I think most are gone.

[sandi2]

How is IC telling her to do what makes her happy different than validating? If WW feels they need to do something, and IC says "take action!", will that not ultimately help WW see what is or is not important to her?

WW's function from their emotions. They are ready to wash their hands of everything, and just do whatever makes them feel good.....regardless of the cost. Selfishness is the WW's motivator for everything she does. If it's not about her is some form/fashion, or if she can't benefit in some way......then she's not interested.

I think what Torn was referring to is how many IC's are not pro-marriage and actually encourages the WW to do whatever is necessary in order to find her happiness out there. This is not what a WW needs to hear from a professional. She's not logical, and she will take those words and run with it, to break vows, ties/bonds, commitments, and relationships. She'll hurt whoever stands in her way. In the WW's mind, rather than hearing how she can work through her issues, she's hearing encouragement to continue living a wayward lifestyle. Since the WW already blames her H for all her unhappiness, one of the first things she'll do is break up the M. In her viewpoint, it takes care of her problem of unhappiness.