J- your reading is just too much! I absolutely appreciate the fact you have studied to try not to make the same mistakes again. But why in God's name does the man have to be the initiator and creator of all dates? Why should he always be leading. If there is something I would like to do, I make the date with M. I've made dates. I have initiated them. He leads sometimes, I lead sometimes. Now blunt laziness of never making dates? I dated a guy like that. I don't like it. Or one who says "whatever you want" every time. Or one like Juju's who says you should do something some time and never makes it.
Ju,
I think I have said it before. The simple fact that the both of you don't believe in cheating and want a LTR does not make you right for eachother. In that case, I am sure there are many people that are right for eachother. There are men who want those things while being able to communicate, show respect and love.
As far as communication. I feel you might avoid it because you think you might be wrong to feel the way you do. I get it, because I never communicated for those very reasons. But you aren't wrong or petty in feeling as you do. You are only going to build up resentment. and that will blow up in both your faces.
Force his hand. He says I would like to make dinner for you and S this weekend. You say "We would love that, what day and time, we will be there!"
Ju, aside from him wanting long term commitment and not being the type to cheat, what do you actually like him him? You have felt as if he wasn't too respectful to your son. You like being active, he doesn't. He makes negative comments about things that make you happy.....
I'm just trying to figure out if there is anything there worth saving before you become too resentful or get in too deep. ANd if there is something worth saving, you need to speak up and stop worrying if you are "wrong" to be feeling as if you do. Because you aren't.
My heart goes out to you, Juju. It is a hard place to be, not knowing for sure which way to go. I think it is easier to see things once you have been down that road of divorce and are removed from it and can look at how things broke down objectively. But, along with that, I think that it can create an almost gun-shy attitude for people in that they are afraid to put themselves out there or ask for what they really want or whatever.
My only real advice is to really think about both sides of the coin: staying together vs. breaking up. When I face a dilemma that seems daunting or difficult, I make a pro/con list and then I just compare both and then try to make a decision that seems to best benefit me. You are a strong person and you will be fine either way, but don't stay in something that isn't working for you just to avoid a break-up. By the same token, don't rush to break up when something may be fixed by just having an actual conversation.
As far as the thing about him saying he'd cook dinner, but never following through, lots of people have addressed that already and some have even said, when he says he wants to cook dinner some time, pin him down to specifics "oh that sounds great, how about this weekend?" I have had more than one man say to me that sometimes they don't pick up on subtle hints. I agree, a lot of men (notice I did not say all) men are NOT good at subtle. So, be direct. Hopefully he'll respond with a similar directness.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think this applies to people who were doing things wanting something in return. If you give a gift not because its what you like to do, but are trying to earn brownie pts to get you to your end goal, then ofcourse once that goal is reached you are going to back off on this. Thats why I believe when you do something for the opposite sex you need to ask yourself, are you doing it because you truly want to do it no matter what the outcome may be, or are you doing it to try and get a certain response. Example would be, if you buy a lady a drink are you buying it hoping that she will want to talk to you or you couldnt care less if she wants to talk to you, you just feel like buying someone a drink. When you look for the reasons why you are doing something, if you are doing it truly for yourself you are more likely to keep doing it, because it is really a part of who you are and your personality.
Juju,
You seem to me to be a people pleaser. Instead of telling someone how you feel, you tend to say things that keep the mood happy and doesnt create conflicts. Like Don said instead of ending it, just have a real conversation with him about how you feel. My ex was a people pleaser and I had no idea i was even near a BD. But instead of having a real conversation with me, she chose to pretend everything was fine, but let it fester when I was away and she ended up starting an emotional attachment with someone else.
Rex
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
Making decisions and confrontation is hard for me. Yes I tend to be a people pleaser. I am very attune to people’s moods and issues and I tend to try to keep the peace. Rex, I can relate to your ex with this relationship. Not the one with my ex though.
And ginger your right. I do worry that I am wrong to feel the way I feel. This comes from a couple of reasons. I suffer from anxiety, so I don’t often trust my feelings. I have been hormonal so I also don’t trust my feelings.
And my feelings regarding him are like borderline extremes. I am not sure if I am nitpicking something minor which don and some people IRL have pointed out or if there are some serious red flags. When I’m hanging out with him I will be fine, but then something might happen another time and I wil go into high alert I need to break up mode the day after the incident after I have thought it out.
And a big one is with my ex, I always communicated my needs and expressed myself and I feel like that was part of why he left. The things he faulted me for were being too needy, being too negative and critical and being verbally abusive. ( in reality, some of the things I complained about were valid and indicative of someone with an addiction (him sleeping till 3 and the money and spending concerns but with some of them I could have been better at picking battles and accepting him more)
I think the years of DBing - swallowing sh!t sandwiches and teaching myself to not react to unfair things were more damaging to me in the long run, cause now I am not calling NG out on things he should be called out on. Instead I sulk, get quiet and stonewall and resent. Which was more like my ex, who I would call the master of Dbing or just detached and cold as ice perhaps.
Don and dawn you guys are correct in that if I pinned him down and established a time it might have happened. I just feel rude pinning him down and really don’t want to chase or pursue a guy. I feel like I did that too much with my ex. I have communicated to Bf that he doesn’t invite and he told me I have a universal invite as long as he’s home and he has offered me a key. That I can spend time at his place whenever. I know that’s a huge thing for a guy. He’s saying he’s ok with me taking his space and independence. I’m not a drop in type of person though. I don’t want to feel settled and like I’ve been married and too comfortable with him yet. Maybe that’s it?
Maybe a list would be helpful.
And here’s something that happened so that you can understand my lack of trust in my perception. My ex is taking my son away with his mom and girlfriend. I keep crying cause I am terrified my son will get into a car accident or be kidnapped. I am living what it would feel like to lose my son. I know that’s not normal. the logical part of my brain knows that those feelings are irrational but I still deeply feel it. I’m not always like that. But sometimes I am.
I sent one of those hows my son doing texts aka just checking in to make sure he’s alive text... and ex mil sends me pics of my son and ex’s girlfriend’s daughter playing together ??????? She’s not a mean or spiteful personality so I’m just gonna go with the term emotionally slow.
Being a divorced LBS means i get to pack my sons bag while he goes away with ex and girlfriend plus I get handed a bag of all sons laundry from the trip too. This in addition to pics sent by mil of son playing with girlfriends daughter. And I have to do it all with a sweet tone so son does not have a bad feeling.
I understand how that feels. Used to bother me a lot in the beginning.
You should set some boundaries, though. He can pack his own bag. He can go buy what his son needs for his trip. He also shouldn't be returning dirty laundry. He can return it when it's clean. YOur MIL may be sweet, but sounds totally clueless.
Remember though, you take a trip with BF and son and his kid too. ANd it is great that when your son is with your ex, he's got someone around his age he is having fun with. I know it's hard to see that way, but it will help you refocus so your son doesn't get a bad feeling.
It’s frustrating cause his girlfriend gets to see him being a great dad, but meanwhile I am the real parent. He knows how to say something that makes it seem like he does a lot. Like he will make it a point of saying to the teachers “I always make sure he rewrites his homework neatly with me and I notice he can do it when i make him go slow” meanwhile he only sees him 1.5 hrs onenight a week while I work and won’t keep him extra for a library program and usually drops him off early with my parents. He only started going to the school stuff cause his girlfriend is a kindergarten teacher. But the way he makes a big deal out of the one thing he does, gives every one a different impression. In hind site he used to do this to me and his mom as well and he looks like a hero
I know it shouldn’t matter but it does.
I also think I wouldn’t be so jealous of him and his girlfriend if I was happy with my own relationship. And that is telling me something as well. I don’t even want to invite bf on a trip cause I don’t want someone commenting on things that go wrong I want someone that just goes with the flow a bit more.
So something I’m upset about with bf...I’m not sure if this is me being hyper sensitive since I’m already looking for things...
I brought up a conversation involving how a boyfriend/girlfriend should be regarding kids. I said they need to connect with the kid not correct (which I read and agree with) and leave the discipline up to the parent. That each parent has different thresholds and rules and perspectives and just because he sees something as wrong does not mean I do, or that I want to pick that battle. For example my son wore his hoody from his sweatshirt on when we were eating in a restaurant (it was a chain restaurant that only kids and old people and stoned people like) I don’t see an issue with this. He thought it was disrespectful. My son said he was just cold. I know plenty of people that are strongly opposed to hats indoors or while eating. Me personally, I’m just glad my son is not climbing on the windowsills so I pick my battles Bf says, that my threshold is set low because of sons past behavior and he feels i am not seeing disrespectful behavior cause of that and that he feels it’s helpful to me and to son in the long term.
Anyway I brought up to him, how I am a great mother. That my son had a lot of issues and because of my dillegence and research and meetings with teahchers and social workers and establishing an IEP etc, that my son is doing great. He’s earning awards and he’s testing for gifted program. I have a great relationship with my son. Then if argument me and my son have right now is who loves each other more. Every teacher tells me how my son does not have a mean bone in his body, that he just struggles to be quiet stay in his seat etc.
BF responded to that by saying nowadays they give these service away. He would have gotten help and attention regardless. I felt like he was basically, undermining all my efforts as a parent and it really pissed me off. I feel like this could be a general pattern in him, where he focuses on all that is bad and never sees good (I know that cause I obviously struggle with the same, but so don’t impose it on my family or friends or on him) which is why I feel criticized with things in the past.
Is this me being hyper sensitive cause I was upset prior? Or something ?
