Wow. Close to one year since I have been on the forums. Can’t say a lot has happened although a lot has changed.
To start, we have started “talking” again which means texting. He’s still out west and is still working and living there and has let me know he’s moving to the big city because he can now afford it. This means a sort of permanence to me but I could be wrong.
We talk everyday.
One of our puppies passed away recently and he came home for a week to say goodbye. I think it totally ripped his heart seeing our boy go the way he did. He was also taken aback by how he was affectionate with me, the way he used to be. I was too in a sense. But honestly, it didn’t surprise me too much. I think he realized that one cannot sweep unfinished business under a rug and pretend it’s gone like he did.
I started therapy last month. I took a month off of work to get my priorities in order. I started doing my art again...some days more than others. I’ve been out more this summer than ever. I’ve severed an unhealthy friendship recently. I’m shedding skin.
Just started work this week as a gradual return.
Our messages to each other are either very detailed and frequent or sparse and infrequent. Sometimes he won’t respond for hours. So I don’t either. We say good morning and goodnight to each other.
No divorce or even divorce talk as of yet.
Not sure if you guys have any feedback about what I should do next?
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
Welcome back Bluered. It sounds like things are moving along in your sitch...slowly...but moving along. Makes sense...as they say often on this board...this is a marathon, not a sprint. Not sure you should DO anything next other than what it is you’ve been doing. Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to move forward for you. Your H will do what your H will do.
Glad you have returned. There is lots of support here. (((HUGS)))
Thank you. I went into major depression mode when he passed, it was rough. Still is some days but it’s slowly getting better. No kids so I babied these pups like they are.
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
I agree it is a marathon. Slowly understanding and simultaneously trying to grasp everyone saying to be patient here.
Yesterday and today is what I would say cold. I messaged him a video of our other dog yesterday and he didn’t respond. No messages today either, and I too hadn’t messaged him. Don’t know if I should either. Seems like when he pulls back, I pull back. And when I can’t stand it any longer, I’ll message him something arbitrary and he will respond. Is he actually waiting for me to say something first? The little stupid details I get caught up on.
Together: 11 years M: 5 No kids D Bomb: Aug 2018 S: Aug 2018
While separated, did any of you guys ever start dating? Thoughts on the subject?
A lot of people do, some embrace it and others regret it. I did about 7 or 8 months after we separated and thought I was ready but later realized it was too soon. After being in an R with someone for over 20 years it was a big adjustment learning how to open up to other women and "let them in". Sex was challenging too, I was so programmed to only "love" my XW that everything felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was the one betraying her. After a few months of dating that all mostly went away but it was quite a transition.
I found a wonderful woman while separated and waiting for divorce. I embraced it because I was not going to pass on having a wonderful woman in my life. I have a much more loving relationship with my new GF.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I did about seven months after BD and I have no regrets. It helped me face my number one fear...that no one would ever find me attractive again. I think i was able to do it that soon because I’ve technically been living alone for five years and I was just ready to let it all go and move on. It also helped that we had an official separation agreement and my H used the moneyI gave him to buy a house with the OW. After that happened, there was no going back...only forward. If all those things hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t have started so soon as it needed to be 100% over in my head. The last thing I would want to do is date someone who is looking for love if I was still looking behind me and wanting to R with my H. I couldn’t do that to someone.
While separated, did any of you guys ever start dating? Thoughts on the subject?
After I moved out of the marital home into my own place, I put myself out into the world and enjoyed interacting with everyone. I had women hitting on me. Enjoyed the moments each day. Got to a place where I was happy alone. I didn't sleep with anyone until after the paperwork was signed. Made the decision not to use online dating apps (fairly new at the time) but rather be open to dates with many types of UNMARRIED women. I dated a WIDE range of women. Older, younger. I enjoyed each one of them in different ways.
The biggest thing is maintaining your personal boundaries. I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
