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#2815766 10/03/18 09:14 PM
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stacey9 Offline OP
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Hi all

Havenít posted here in ages, a few of you may remember me. I am now divorced and I survived. A couple of years ago ExH started flirting, paying me lots of attention etc. Things progressed and it turned into a bit of a fling. Very exciting and passionate and I was completely caught up in it all.

This continued until a few months ago and we saw each other when we can. He finished with OW and I really thought a reconciliation was on the cards. I did not pressure or pursue him, I didnít ask any questions I just floated along on air, blissfully happy and completely in love.

Then he became a little distant. The warning signs were all there but it has knocked me for six again to hear he has been seeing someone else. He says they are friends who enjoy each otherís company. I am gutted. She is a lot younger than me. Now it is obvious he was only filling time with me, waiting for something else to come his way.

We were getting along so well , the kids were happy we were doing things as a family again, although they have no idea we were more than friends.

So why am I posting here knowing fine well this is all my own fault and Iíve only myself to blame?

Itís because I have no one else to talk to about it. Friends and family witnessed my near breakdown the first time he left me and would be furious I became involved with him again. Iím so sorry I did too but it felt like a fairytale to be with him again. I felt safe and happy.

I have not shown him I am upset although Iím sure he knows. He said he still had feelings for me and is not sure heís doing the right thing.
I would be happy to hear any words of advice and wisdom, although I know I deserve the gold for how not to DB.

Feel free to be as brutal as you like xx

Thanks for reading.


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
stacey9 #2815780 10/03/18 11:18 PM
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Hi stacey,

I don't think this reoccurence is your fault. He made you feel special post-divorce and really gave you hope. Then he just left you again. That just shows you the man he is.

I really don't think you DB incorrectly at all. I just think your ExH is a jerk.

You should post in Newcomers..lots more activity there. smile

Hang in there.


1/6/18-BD OM1
2/18-W meets OM2
4/18-W intros D4 to OM2
5/18-ďRomance ends"
7/18-DB start
7/18-IHS Ends
4/19-WW moves out
3/21-D filed

Formerly pain18

Rise.

stacey9 #2815782 10/03/18 11:25 PM
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Well he!! yes show him you're upset. Tell him he's definitely making a mistake but that you're done. Then BE DONE.

Let HIM chase YOU if he honestly decides he wants to be with you, but you hanging around being his Plan B and hoping he will choose you if you just don't make waves is NOT WORKING. Make him face the consequences of his behavior which is LOSING YOUR COMPANIONSHIP. Tell him you are not willing to be in a relationship with someone where there is a third party so ADIOS!!!

I'm sorry he did this to you. Get on out and start dating, find some man who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

stacey9 #2815783 10/03/18 11:26 PM
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No need to be brutal. We all have set backs. And who would not want to belief it was all just a big mistake - the person we have history with admits to. Im sure the validation felt healing and assuring. Its hard to accept that are spouses are just narcissistic, entitled, lying pos. Sometimes it takes a fool me twice to really accept it cause we project our own feelings onto them.

But now its time to move forward. Moving forward is not with him. He is not honest. He is not loyal. He is not committed. He does not have real feelings for you. He might say he does, but his action have not and do not.

You will be fine. Focus on making your life good. I think when our lives our empty in some way, it makes us more suseptible to filling the voids with a broken relationship.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
stacey9 #2815808 10/04/18 08:56 AM
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Hello

I don't have much advice (I still struggle with a lot of things myself), but good heavens, he hasn't half given you the run around! Your feelings must be all over the place.

I like the sound of what the other guys have said: just focus on your own life now, and move forward with that. You're not really starting from the same point you were back in 2013/2014, you're way further forward than that now, and have so much more knowledge, experience and strength.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
stacey9 #2815882 10/04/18 05:37 PM
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stacey9 Offline OP
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot.

Pain18 thank you, you have made me feel better already.

kml, I have tried dating, very briefly. I met a guy at a wedding, we swapped numbers and he asked me for lunch. He seemed really nice, but I just couldn't relax. It was the whole checking each other out thing that got to me. I couldn't stop thinking that he didn't like me, I couldn't relax, couldn't even eat a thing, it was terrible. Needless to say there was no 2nd date. The next guy who asked me out also seem nice but the same thing happened, I think I am just too shy and introverted for dating strangers. It would be much better if I got to know someone first, before the idea of dating even came up.

Juju, you are right I think my life is missing something and it seems exH is the only one who makes it feel right. I need to change that.

Thank you Focus22 for your vote of confidence! It's true, I won't go to pieces in the same way as 5 years ago, but it still feels hard all the same. I always thought if OW was out of the picture I would be able to accept another OW. Wrong. It still hurts.

As I thought he would, he is completely playing it down. He is just friends with her, they get on well, there is no big romance etc etc. That's what he's told everyone.

When he first started acting distant, I asked if there was someone else. He said no.

So where do I go from here? I already had a nice life before he came back into it. The kids have got used to him stopping by and hanging out and I don't want to stop that for the family's sake. But am I strong enough to have him in my life as a friend? Should I make myself be out when he stops by? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it was just what I needed. xx


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
stacey9 #2815913 10/04/18 07:30 PM
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Hmm, I don't think I can give the best advice (I'm sure someone else will be able to), but is there any need for you to have contact with him?

Your kids are grown up, right? There is (what I would imagine) a super minimal amount of co-parenting? I might be wrong - I don't have children. But what kind of conversations do you need to have about the children - by text, email or in person? Can they go and visit him instead of him coming round? So you don't have to see him or speak to him?

Or is there any need for you to be friends with him? Do you respect him? The choices he makes and the person he is? Does he give you the same level of respect back?

Are there things that you didn't get round to doing for yourself the first time round? Things you'd like to try or do? Thinking now might be a good time to try those things.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
stacey9 #2815937 10/04/18 09:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
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stacey9 Offline OP
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Hi focus, you are right my kids are grown and are more than capable of seeing their Dad without me being around. They are off living their own lives so itís rare that weíre all together anyway. It just felt nice being the 4 of us together again laughing having fun. I do also like his company heís a fun person to have around.

If I tell xh I donít want him coming around Iíll have to tell the kids that itís easier for me that way, that itís too hurtful to see him when heís clearly moving on again. Iím sure theyíll understand.

I do need to rethink my life goals. When he left the first time exercise became my thing almost to the point of obsession. It still is a huge part of my life and has helped me enormously.

Thanks again x


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
stacey9 #2815938 10/04/18 09:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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Me too, I'm loving the whole exercise thing. It's a totally new discovery for me.

What were you doing before, exercise wise? And what are you planning on doing now?


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017

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