Still feeling good. Anxiety is still under control and I'm making decisions based off logic instead of emotion. Had a checkup with the doctor a few days ago. Gained 2 pounds, but lost a lot of inches off my waistline. I'm seeing myself bulk-up and I look and feel sexy. I'm still keeping up with the changes I made to myself and my lifestyle (making my bed, keeping my room clean, praying 5 times a day, shaving, tucking in my shirt, looking into people's eyes when I talk, and carry myself with confidence, etc.) and I'm very proud of myself. I have to remind myself that I have been making these changes for two months and that I will need to keep doing this to make the change permanent.
I have also been working on getting rid of the bad habit of taking the easy way out or shortcuts. If there is proper way I need to accomplish a task, I have been consciously reminding myself that I need to complete it. Biggest example is when I lift. I have just completed a 6 week "beginners" session in which there were exercises that I did not want to do. Normally, I would have cut my losses and either skip it, or not finish the set. I did not do that. I pushed myself into completing the set and exercise.
Small changes (positive) in my sitch with W. We are much friendlier to each other now. I don't think we have ever communicated like this in our history of being together. I may even been flirted with (she was sharing some gossip with me and could not stop playing with her hair. Eye contact was sparse, but she would look at me, then look down and smile, then look elsewhere, then me again.). She is giving me opportunities to just hang out, whether it's to clean D4's room, or have dinner, or just chat. It's been friendly.
I have to keep reminding myself to not get overly excited and start pursuit. I need to remind myself that I have not been DBing long enough for me to "make a move". I also need to remind myself constantly that she will need to show me more before I can go towards something deeper. Reading other's sitches grounds me and gives me a reminder to be patient and not rush anything.
I feel myself turning into a man that only a fool would leave. And I'm making damn sure that I am that kickass person.
I shoot a wedding tomorrow. Sunday is used for week prep. No notable events planned for the first week of next month. But I have a few ideas. I would like to incorporate some friend activities, since I have been doing things alone as of late.
I am not ready to be at weddings or any events where couples are involved. It hurts too much. I have been putting a happy face in front of everyone but deep down, I'm pretty depressed. Not bawling sad, but sad nonetheless.
Maybe it the cloudiness. Maybe it's the fact that there should be some down days and today is one of them. Or something else that I don't know. I just know the self-doubt and negative thoughts are creeping in.
W called a total of five times the last three days. I refused to answer any of them. I hate the fact that when I do pick up, it's a 1-3 minute call about some business bullshit. There is no point in talking if that's all I'm getting.
NC/Dark isn't about ignoring her. You ignoring her calls is not going to solve your problem. If she needs to communicate with you, there has to be a channel open. So, instead of ignoring, let her know that you prefer to discuss matters via text or email, whatever you prefer. I prefer text unless it's something that needs an email. Assert your boundary and then stick with it.
If you don't like chatting with her when you do pick up, just say something like - I have to go. Text me whatever it is you want to chat about. And then leave. Do it all politely. Avoidance isn't going to get you respect.
Normally I don't have any problems answering her calls. I just think I was due for an emotional letdown after all of the highs I have been through the last two weeks. I think I fixated on the fact that everytime she calls the chat is very brief. It's been mostly business. When she texts I take my time and eventually respond with enthusiasm and cheerfulness. But I hear you on the difference between NC/Dark and Avoidance. I'll have to hone that.
I am also feeling desperate to get things going towards R again. And I feel that with all of the progress I have been making W should be giving me signals that she wants to R. But I know that thinking is far-fetched and ridiculous and falls under the definition of "pursuit".
I am also reminding myself that I have been divorce busting for a hair under 5 months, with the most notable progress coming in the last two. I know that DBing is a long process, sometimes taking months more to finally come to a resolution. I just felt like I needed to let the air out, so to speak.
The emotional let down is fine. You've been at this for 5 months - exercise some patience. I know it's not easy, but that's your only way out.
Keep the business stuff business and cheerful and polite. You have expectations that are most certainly not going to be met. You have to have ZERO expectations from any encounter with her, no matter how positive it might seem.
Totally okay to let the air out here. Just take your expectations all the way back down. For your reference, I have been separated for about 19 months, doing DB for 18, and just yesterday had the longest conversation with W in person that was pleasant. I got out of her way and her rage and anger and kept the focus on myself. Yes, I had plenty of mis-steps along the way, but once I got a handle on it, I haven't looked back.
Now a year ago, if this interaction would've happened with W, I would've been over the moon and thinking that she is turning the corner. Now, I didn't even think twice about it and just continued about my day and the next. Some of this comes with time, but a huge part is putting in the work.
Don't worry about the signals about the R. I remember being worried that I would miss them. Now I look back and laugh at myself at how naieve I was. If R is on the cards, she'll make it known. And plus, you don't want someone to be subtle and pussyfoot about it. They better come at you straight and direct in some way or form. Otherwise it's a waste of time.
Keep on doing the good work for yourself. Stay positive. Take ownership and accountability, and invest in your personal growth. I know you already know that, but just giving you a pat on the back and telling you to get on with it.
I bounced back a little and feeling better. After taking some Vitamin D I felt better and started to think logically. The rest of the day went better. Chatted off and on with W. Light-hearted talk. Still 10 minute conversations, but nothing related to our sitch. Maybe I am trying too hard, but I do feel that my slight nudging is showing some positive responses from W. I still feel like we are taking baby steps, just the DB books, other online resources (there are two other blogs I follow), and my MC teach me. I am taking some cautious risks. I will not engage in R talk. I will not talk about our sitch. That is going to be on W. I am however, going to show her more and more what she is missing in me. I pocket the little victories I get with W and move forward.
I see the changes I am making physically to my body. My arms and chest is getting a little more defined. I feel more attractive. I am carrying my head up and looking at people in the eyes when I talk. pain18 is becoming more of a man daily.
Talked to W's friend about our sitch. Told him that I do not know what is going to happen. All I know is that this will come to an end one way or the other. Told him it is obvious what my desired outcome to this sitch would be, but also told him that it is a longing/desire. I am not chasing/pursuing R. I am chasing/pursuing being a better me. A me that only a fool would leave.
Love you all. Thank you for the support for the last two months.
It's funny how time passes in regards to sitches like these the days become blurred out and "good" days just keep on happening.
It's been over a month since my last major meltdown. I still feel like my life is improving daily. Both in regards to my sitch and without.
I have taken my DB coach's advice to heart and now establishing a friendship with W. I ask W if she wants to do family things and she usually agrees. If not the same day, then usually later. I do remember the part of not believing anything they say, so I'm not anticipating anything. If she follows through, great. Another step forward. If not, I take the rejection lightly and try again later. In the words of my DB coach, I am ready to elicit a positive response if W says "no". Further reinforcement that I am not the same H I used to be and further establishing myself as a person only a fool would leave.
W and I are still cordial and joke around quite a bit. We are becoming friendlier to each other. Something that hasn't been seen or felt in a long time. I asked W yesterday if she wanted to come home earlier this morning and we can have breakfast together. She said it is too early but we can do that this weekend. I agreed. Will it happen? I don't know. No expectations. I am ready whether she agrees or no. I just use that as fuel to better myself.
I am getting better of not caring of her whereabouts everytime she is away. That being said, I do not know if there is a BD2 waiting in the wings as time passes. I do know and she does as well that we both do not want to keep things as they are as a new normal. I am dropping major hints without being direct in the hopes that she comes out of her fog and makes her way back to R. I feel good now, but I still worry from time to time if some bad news regarding our sitch is on the horizon.
I am still lifting, still doing housework, still GAL, and now taking sex classes. As part of my journey of being a man, I also want to be a more confident lover. One who takes control (long been W's fantasy of her of being dominated by me, but I am not doing it for her. I'm genuinely curious and want to assert my sexual dominance in a healthy, safe, consensual manner). Sex has always been a problem in our R and I want to make sure that when I get my next chance I do not repeat the same mistakes I created before.
I yearn for some skin to skin contact. It's been 9 months and counting or no warm hugs, no kisses, none of that. Yeah, I'll get bro hugs every now and then, but it's obviously not the same. I can cheat and pay for it, but the feeling will just be empty and I do not want that. I just have to wait, which really stinks. But it is what it is.
My journal is now full of inspirational quotes, notes from my discussions with my counselors on dealing with my sitch, dealing with my life, and being a better person. It's also full of achievements, small and large for me to reflect and be thankful for. Achievements in family, work, self, even current status with W. All positive notes now.
I continue to look over my shoulder. Not in the hopes that W and I will R (though I still have high hopes for that as well), but more if something bad is following and is planning on taking me down, undoing all of the good progress I have made in the last few months. Objectively, I would say that my thought on that is a little ridiculous. But there have been times in which my hopes got dashed to bits. I know I don't control that. That's in the hands of the higher power. All I can do is control what I can control and pray that the higher power hears my pleas for my desired results.
I hope and pray the higher power sees my wish and grants it to me.
