When he arrived, he commented how tidy the house was. Better than it ever looks. Adding that he guessed he must be the messy one. I just said I like to keep on top of it. All you veteran's out there can correct me if I'm wrong, but I guess all these little things add up to something. What, I'm not sure. But I think it shows that they notice things, and hopefully all they notice are the things they miss in a relationship. Even sharing a tidy home. I tried looking cute today. He didn't say anything but maybe he noticed that too!
All in all it went o.k. I did all the driving. He didn't even offer. I guess that's fine since I was going with or without him. No word of our separation came up with the kids. Pleasant lunch together with them. Not much talking in the car except for occasional chit chat. He stayed on his phone the whole time, as usual. Again, no wedding ring on. I had mine on. I want to say "I see you are not wearing your wedding ring. Does this mean you are done and just dragging out the inevitable, you just don't feel married, or are you trying to make people think you are not married so you have a chance of meeting someone and leave the possibility open to stay married. "
Of course I won't. Doesn't really matter, does it? Won't change a thing with regards to me and our R, and only potentially (probably) piss him off because I put him on the spot. Part of me really wants to do that, though. I almost feel like detachment is pushing him further away. I know from all the reading that this is not the case, but it sure feels like that today.
I'm only 3 weeks separated, and it feels a lot longer. I really don't know how some of you folks do this for 6 months, or years. How can anyone recover a marriage after that long? How long do you wait for them to talk about the R? Does the LBS NEVER bring it up if we have hope for MR?
These are the questions swirling in my mind today.......Back to GAL!!
I almost feel like detachment is pushing him further away. I know from all the reading that this is not the case, but it sure feels like that today.
It is so hard. But 3-6 months of pursuit didn't do anything but push him further away. He couldn't talk to me without scowling when he finally left. He is kinder to me now. Your H sounds like he is being kinder to you too. But I get your point. By pretending that we are fine, are we giving them a free pass? Trust the process I guess.
Originally Posted by Grace21
really don't know how some of you folks do this for 6 months, or years. How can anyone recover a marriage after that long? How long do you wait for them to talk about the R? Does the LBS NEVER bring it up if we have hope for MR?
I'm a year post BD and 7 months since he moved out. Say a year from now I wake up and realise I have not thought about reconciling in months. In fact, I am happy with the woman i see in the mirror. Will i regret wasting those two years? No. Because I'll be [censored] if I don't come out of this hell better than when I went in.
I'm only 3 weeks separated, and it feels a lot longer. I really don't know how some of you folks do this for 6 months, or years. How can anyone recover a marriage after that long? How long do you wait for them to talk about the R? Does the LBS NEVER bring it up if we have hope for MR?
I've been going on 10 months. Believe me, it takes a lot of time. I'm still wanting answers. I used to want R. But after this last weekend, I am just wanting this painful chapter of my life to end, whether it's in R or D. And it felt a little empowering when I said that.
I had a dream last night that H walked into the house, and said he needed an ambulance. I just looked at him, and he said he wasn't kidding, he really needed one. I woke up. It was very disturbing, and making me want to text him to ask him if he is o.k. When he first moved out, I was VERY fearful for his mental state and safety. He's said on many occasions he's no good to anyone, and a few times he might be better off dead (quite some time ago). He seemed o.k. on Sunday. Just a bit withdrawn. Perhaps this is just those old concerns revisiting me. I haven't contacted him yet today. But I am worried.
Grace, my WW has said all the same things and mental state was very unstable. Has said she is better off dead, broken, half the person she used to be, has had meltdowns to the point where my oldest S and I probably should have had an ambulance come to do a psych hold. I think that is just the confusion and turmoil in their heads, they know what they are doing is damaging everything that was right in their life.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
What I don't understand is if their actions make them feel like crap, why do they continue to do it? They feel like crap, find a quick fix to feel good and validated, feel like crap, and the cycle continues. What a waste of life.
I think I may have told this story before ... so apologies if you've already read it
Four years ago a close friend broke up with her BF of 11 years. His father had died the year before and he spent all his time at the hospital. After his father died he continued spending time away from home. He started ignoring my friend or outright being horrible to her. He was generally a [censored]. For some reason he suddenly took up mountain climbing and would go away for weekends / weeks at a time. Another friend of ours said she eventually called him on his behavior "you cannot treat X that way, she doesn't deserve it". His response "I know. I can't help it". That is how messed up he was. He knew he was treating her badly. Didn't know why but he couldn't help it. The guilt of treating her badly made him resent her even more.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I had a dream last night that H walked into the house, and said he needed an ambulance. I just looked at him, and he said he wasn't kidding, he really needed one. I woke up. It was very disturbing, and making me want to text him to ask him if he is o.k. When he first moved out, I was VERY fearful for his mental state and safety. He's said on many occasions he's no good to anyone, and a few times he might be better off dead (quite some time ago). He seemed o.k. on Sunday. Just a bit withdrawn. Perhaps this is just those old concerns revisiting me. I haven't contacted him yet today. But I am worried.
I think dreams are a way of our unconscious working its way through things. It is less about them and more about us. You are worried about him. You're allowed to be worried about him Don't act on it though. You are not his mum.
BTW - I went to my friends wedding a few weeks ago. She married the man she met on a dating app six months after breaking up with her ex. Her sister made her join the dating app after being sick of her moping around the house.
I look at it as their conscious mind knows that what they are doing is so hurtful that the feelings are repressed very deep and overshadowed by the high in a wayward sitch. My WW would wake up in the middle of the night shaking violently and sweating as these feelings would surface. Also sheds some light into why she is self medicating ala alcohol and drugs.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
