First post, but reading for several weeks. My MC recommended Divorce Remedy, and I've read it. But we are stuck. Here's the brief facts to a very complicated story.
First affair discovered 7 years ago. Lasted 1 ½-2 years. She ended up being a bit phycho and we took her to court for a restraining order. To protect our kids and family, we fought her together and decided to work on our marriage. At this time I discovered he had 3 other brief flings at various stages of our marriage. I decided to forgive, and things were great for a few years, but then went back to our old patterns because we never worked on the issues that brought us to that point. We’ve had very poor communication, not a lot of emotional intimacy, and an unsatisfying sex life for a very long time.
Fast forward to January 2018, another affair discovered. OWs husband calls me to tell me about affair with his wife, who was not a friend, but someone we socialized with on many occasions. He ended it that day, and to my knowledge hasn't contacted her or seen her since. We started MC, but it went no where except our lines of communication did open up. That’s something, I guess. We tried discernment counseling, and after 4 sessions we agreed to "status quo" for a while longer. We live like good friends, socialize with friends, and do things together. Even displays of affection from H, touching, light kisses, etc. Same bed, no sex since January. I am willing to try to build a new marriage based on our strong companionship and friendship. He states he is stuck. Doesn’t know what to do. I believe he is depressed (and has been on and off for many years), and states he feels so damaged he doesn’t know why I or anyone would want him. I think he’s also skeptical we can change enough to get a deeper emotional connection we both want, and I’m not sure he has the drive to do the work. He knows I am committed to doing so.
Last week I opened up the discussion to whether he should move out temporarily so we could both have our space away from our day-to-day patterns to figure things out. Several months ago I started working on myself – deep down soul searching and pursuing things that make me happy. It’s helped a lot. He has done nothing that I know of, and to my knowledge hasn’t finished any of the books the MC recommended. I know I can’t help him through this any more. He is very unhappy, depressed, but I know he will have to figure it out on his own.
So, in light of our living situation, I’m wondering where we go from here. He hasn’t done anything about moving out except to take a preliminary look at what options there are for short term fully furnished places. I had told him I would run our numbers and see what our budget might look like. That was last Wednesday. Neither one of us has brought it up since, until today I get an e-mail (he left on a business trip), that he was curious I never wanted to discuss anything related to separation this weekend, and he is willing to talk about it but now he feels in limbo. I feel the burden is on me, and I’m having 2nd thoughts that suggesting moving out might be a good idea. I’m afraid once they go, they don’t come back. But sometimes I feel just nothing, apathy, and figure something needs to change for any progress in any direction (either split for good or work it out).
And BTW – our kids to my knowledge know nothing. They are away at college now.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Grace you mention apathy, but that state that you fear his moving out will be permanent. Those two things do not go together.
I think you need to sort out your feelings and decide what YOU want. It sounds to me like his affairs have always caused you to hold on for dear life. Not a healthy way to be. You have to move on without him. Either he will wake up and try to catch up, or you will leave him behind, stuck in the past.
The danger here is that if you just let him cake eat, stay in limbo, not work on things and essentially change nothing, then he will just be always ripe for another PA.
Good luck, keep us informed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't see much clarity on what you want Grace. It's clear from his behavior and number of affairs, that you need to take strong action. If he doesn't see a reason to change, it doesn't seem that he will. What is your goal in talking about the separation?
You drop the expectations of him doing the right thing, certainly don't look for reciprocation. But his moping around, being indecisive isn't good for you or the marriage. Start getting a life, starting working on yourself. Let's see if he doesn't perk up, and if he doesn't then oh well, your life is all the better.
Don't focus on what you can't control, like his depression causing this or him moping, make your life and marriage better in the ways that you can.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Had a long talk last night in response to his e-mail. He said last week I sounded like I wanted him to move out, and now I don't. I asked him what HE wanted, and he gave me the "I don't know". I said let's take a few more days to really examine what's best for ourselves, and think about what we both expect out of a separation, and talk when he gets home. He's on business until Friday, and didn't want to hash it all out on the phone.
I thought a lot about why I would want someone like this still in my life without making any concessions, changes, or expressions of willingness to make a better marriage. I think it's fear of change, fear of creating stress on my kids that are already stressed about college, fear of the questions from family and friends. But, I've decided to ask him to move out, and will request we work out the details this weekend. I realize he needs to figure things out for himself, or not. I don't want to be dragged down. And I am committed to finally, fully, detaching. No calls, txt msgs, or e-mails today, so that's a start!
Over the last 2 or 3 months, I've made a strong effort to GAL. Heavily involved in a new church, women's bible study (they have given me wonderful support), reading books about boundaries and faith, and just doing activities that connect me with nice people. I'm busy the next 3 nights in a row! It has helped a lot.
I am a people fixer, and realize how much I tried to control H and mold him to what I think he should be like. NO MORE! He will figure things out on how he can proceed to make himself at peace, or he won't. I'm just going to worry about myself.
Now I will need all your support to follow-through and stay strong!
I think a separation for us is imminent. We've detailed the income/expenses to see what is feasible as far as a place to stay for H, but not much else yet. I've done a lot of research on types of things to agree on prior to the separation, but was wondering if anyone has some solid advise that are a must, and what worked well for them.
Grace, I'm sorry about your situation. I'm not the most experienced person here by any means, but I've been separated twice so I'll give you my advice.
I really can relate to something you said, that once they move out, they are gone forever. This is not true. I know it's scary to let go, but you are not getting anywhere with your situation living together. My opinion is that he needs to miss you to be able to make a change. Don't be scared, GAL, and do things that you like to do. Really, truly focus on yourself. I also consider myself a people fixer, and let me tell you, when you truly let go and let the other person handle their issues, it is such a relief. I've come to the conclusion that there is NOTHING I can do to influence or change a person. The change has to come from them. Good luck and we are here to support you
I have not contacted a lawyer nor do I intend to at this time. There is no legal separation in my state.
Originally Posted by imlost8
Don't be scared, GAL, and do things that you like to do. Really, truly focus on yourself. I also consider myself a people fixer, and let me tell you, when you truly let go and let the other person handle their issues, it is such a relief. I've come to the conclusion that there is NOTHING I can do to in influence or change a person. The change has to come form them. Good luck and we are here to support you
I think I'm coming to terms with my fear of change, and no longer feel all that scared, although I have moments! I have been working VERY hard on GAL, and have several things planned this week, and have a few trusted friends that are my rock. I'm on a wonderful "find myself" journey, and am starting to feel like no matter how this all turns out, I will be o.k. Maybe it's that relief you are talking about. It's exhausting trying to fix people that don't want our help.
