We are only getting your account of what the discussions with HC are and he may well be selfish, but honestly, I don't see it that way. He is seeing YOU clearly if he said he doesn't think you can do casual. You may recall that I said when all of this started with HC and prior to that, that we guys can sense this stuff - we just can. He saw it written all over you. You tried to play it all off and you said, oh no I'm playing it casual with him and I think you may well have tried to but he senses the truth. I think he's in some ways doing you a favor - nearly saving yourself from the feelings that we all know you will have when he rejects you or even just doesn't return a text quickly enough.
The really hard part of all of this is we are who we are - that's all of us, myself included. How then do we change to be someone else? You want what you want, and it's not even wrong to want it, but it sometimes comes off as needy and insecure - which is just not sexy. You've given away all of yourself in hopes that the guys will just love you so much that they can't help but want to be with you, but life doesn't work that way. Somehow the best you can do from what I can see, is get your confidence back and get into the mindset that they need to wow you and win you over - not the other way around. Thing is, some are willing to do that - but then you may not be interested in them or they may not be healthy partners. Again, how do we become someone else? I know that I can't do it. I feel the way I feel about things, I am who I am.
Yeah, you've had a lot of guys come through the door but honestly, I don't see any of them being close to the great guy who got away - not one of them. I'm betting you will agree with me. I don't think what you want makes you a unicorn - it may be more unicornish (see that, I made up a word) about how you go about trying to get it.
So, what now? From my view, I think you need to continue meeting more guys and accepting more dates. However, you somehow need to largely adjust how you date them, how you interact, how you think about and approach it all. Yeah, sort of change what you are doing - which is sooooo darn hard to do. I think you need to love yourself as much or more than any guy will love you. I think it needs to start there.
There is someone out there that will be the right fit for you. Thankfully I don't think you've scared that right guy off so that's a bonus. That right guy is still waiting to meet you and when he does, you'll have all of the wrong ones and all of the lessons learned to thank for getting you ready for him.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I agree with Dawn and Don, or as I will refer to them as D&D. :-) FWIW, I got asked out by a guy at the grocery store last week. It CAN happen. Ha!
Congrats on the house and the possible 2nd gig. I’m sure it’s a bit of a drain, but you are wise in planning for your next FT job. Sweet on da house!
I concur with Don 1000% that men can sense when women want more. They are very good at that. Many women try to “play it cool” in hopes he gets won over and that is probably about as common as that unicorn. Please know, I’m no R expert but the one thing about you that jumps out to me is that you “jump in.” I don’t mean sexy times either. You and band guy would have been a fabulous fit and that was known after just a couple of weeks. Please know, I’m not throwing shade-I simply cannot relate. I’m a slow mover I suppose. Or as my security guy says “a turtle” when it comes to dudes. While HC sounds like a good human, like many of us (myself included) he wants what he wants on his terms. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t hear from him again. He may come looking for dessert because he senses you may *sucuumb* in the right circumstances. Your call, but it’s hard to put expectations on a booty call/casual R.
Your D sounds like a great kid. Enjoy every minute with her.
Me-42 xh-41 3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hello my friend. I have been keeping up and jumping up and down over here for weeks...sometimes yelling at my computer screen.
Ok, G, I am going to be really honest here...you keep shooting yourself in the foot and wondering why it hurts.
First of all, HC...has told you in many ways that he does not want a relationship. Doesn't matter if he is selfish, self involved, or anything else. He told you. You didn't have to like it, but, you had to hear it.
And I know you in RL, so, I know that you are not built to have a relationship without emotions and real feelings being involved. I know, because I am the same way. Just ain't for you.
Yet you engaged with him, again...and again got the same results. It really doesn't have anything to do with you. It has to do with him. He doesn't want a relationship. End of that freakin' story.
As far as BG..honestly, who knows why he did what he did? I suspect he is looking for something he has in his head. I don't think he is even sure what it is. But he said what he did, you reacted as you did and should have let that go.
Some people will like us, some wont. Some will be attracted, some wont. Some will have issues, some wont.
The important thing is this....you have to know, deep in your soul....your worth. Because if you don't, you will continue feel as you do when these things happen.
One thing I've learned through this journey is that I am enough and I am worthy. So, if someone doesn't see that...they can move along.
The other thing I've learned is that everyone has their own stuff. And that stuff has nothing at all to do with me. It's all theirs. How they react, what they do...theirs to own. As long as I stay on my path...do my thing...I'm good.
So, time for me to kick your as$ a little. Ready?
I have been telling you this for some time. Just live your life. You have some amazing stuff to be celebrating. Your very own home, your awesome daughter, a good job and the opportunity for one that is a better fit, your health and people who love you.
Those are some really incredible things, G. Really incredible.
I know you want to share your life with someone. I do. I think for right now you should allow the universe to do its thing.
Start celebrating you. Keep moving forward. Keep working on you. Put some good vibes out there. I really believe, and it happened for me, that when I let go of what I thought I wanted and needed, that is when someone walked into my life.
I was done. Trust me on that. I had decided that I was good. I didnt need anyone to fill up my life. I had enough on my plate to worry about it. I was just going to live my life.
That is when I met R. Funny thing is...he was at the exact same place...same mindset.
I love you, girl. I want so much for you to let what is supposed to happen...happen. Just believe it will. You are an incredible woman, G. Really incredible.
So very happy for you about the house. I had been praying hard.
Don- I don't mean he is being selfish because he is seeing what he is. He is in the selfish mode post-divorce. And I am at fault and he is at fault for us even seeing each other. And he brought up the I still want to see you convo. I made myself clear the last time, as he did. So I figured since we both made our selves clear, something had changed. But no, he still wants what he wants without giving, and I was willing to compromise, but not down to his level. we are in two different times in our lives. It's over, I told him I couldn't be friends, and I will likely never see or here from him again.
I am more than OK with it now. More than I am than with band guy. And UR- you really nailed it. He absolutely had a picture of what his perfect partner is supposed to be like. He told me as much when he told me he wouldn't date a non-teacher until his last GF. I believe he had the feelings he said he had for me, but the part that "wasn't right" for him was that it didn't come from the woman who had the qualities that fit his ideal. That's why he could sit there and name all the things that made me a good partner, tell me how much he liked me and ect. But I didn't perfectly check his boxes of the type of woman those feelings are supposed to come from. I truly believe it was his loss, and he may actually realize it one day. I may not know when he does, but he will.
GB- thank you! I am excited and terrified for all these new opportunities, but I think they will be life changing. I do realize that I am not capable of just dessert. It's not that I need total commitment up front, but there are things I do need that do not come from a guy who doesn't see a relationship on the horizon. I need to slow it down.
UR- yes, like you and others have said, and you know me IRL. I can't do the non-commitment thing. I can date, but only with the purpose that we are both on the same page of wanting eventual relationship. Not just for fun times.
Things I need to change. When someone shows me who they are: LISTEN! No more going back to the same old.
Recognize what isn't healthy for me and does not align with my end goals.
Let go of what I want . Just let it go. If it finds me, then it finds me. I know I am ok on my own. I am accomplishing what I felt would be possible on my own. I do hope before I die, that I will share a mutual love with someone. But I can't rush it and I just have to be fine as things are.
I am leaving my past in the past. I am not letting anyone reenter my life anymore either. I let my ex do that. Look what happened there.
UR-I hope when I am all settled, you'll come up to visit. I would love to see you and have some one on one time too. Love you.
Oh, and yes. I speak of my worth, but I am not honoring it. I need to start honoring it. I am caught in the place where I do truly recognize my worth, but when others don't, I doubt it. I can't let that happen anymore either.
J9- Target is very rich for the male to hunt! You will often find me there strolling around leisurely with a starbucks in hand spending more money than intended. But it's my happy place. Along with many other women, especially mothers. Trick is find the single ones.
I hear Home Depot is where it's at for the women. The only and only time I spotted a good looking guy there, and we connected eyes, it turned out it was my engaged coworker I had a huge crush on. Another time, I squirted wood stain directly into my eye next to an other couple who freaked out and handed me all their tissues and I walked around with a stained face. I sure know how to impress. Today, D10 and I will be going to look at paint colors.
I met some contractors yesterday an D10 was with me. The plumber comes in and D10 and I have an interaction (yes, she tries ot be the adult) and he says to me "single mom?" I said "yup, is it that obvious?" We laughed, he is divorced. he's a little old for me, but it was funny. I guess we stick out like sore thumbs. he can do the work I need, and he will send me an estimate on Monday. Then I met the floor guy and I am torn. But I realize I NEED this money from the landlord who still has no answer. I am screwed without this money.
Going to visit a very close friend in another state with D10. A DB friend who has become a best friend. I am throwing him a bday BBQ at his house. I invited his close friends which are my friends too. And I did the right thing. I invited exNG and his fiancé. Personally. There are 3 September birthdays in the group, one of them is his (he will be 50!, but he hates celebrating his Bday). It's all his close friends, so I figured he should come to. I didn't hear from him until this morning and I am shocked, he is going to come by.
I don't think it will be too weird. Hopefully not for D10, but I think she might be happy to see him. I put on 10lbs, and I am not happy about that, but whatevs. We all want to look good for our ex's even if we are over them. But he is into skinny Asian chicks (his fiancé is one) and I am anything but. Although my friends do say I am Filipino by association.
I just told D10 and she said "AWKWARD!!!" I told her not so much.
I will be the only uncoupled one out of 4 couples. But that's nothing different from the last 10 years of my life!
Oh, listen to what my ex did. I gave him ONE thing to handle for school. He had to attend a meeting for Ipads at the school. I reminded him umpteen times, sent him the email, and his wife reminded him as he was leaving out the door to bring D10 to cheerleading (he was going to go from there). HE DIDN'T GO AND CLAIMS HE FORGOT! I mean, come on?! If this man had to do what I ddo and raise our daughter alone, she probably wouldn't even be registered for school. There is a make-up meeting on 9/4 he says he is going to. he can't miss this one. Else she won't get her ipad which they do their homework on. I'll never forget the time in 3rd grade he was going ot pick her directly up from school. He forgot, she was standing outside waiting for me. He's an idiot.