Met W at the kids change-over. She seemed more normal than at any other time since DB. W asked me questions. I mentioned that I had been going to a library and reading books. W gave me a double-take because that's such a 180 for me. It's now a regular part of my GAL on one day per week. I enjoy it and have talked with some interesting people and looked at subjects I hadn't thought about before. I said it's going well looking after the kids on my own and it's now really well organised at home and nice and calm. W joked that was because she wasn't there. I was surprised by that self-depreciating comment because she never admits that she's wrong. I didn't comment. I also said that I'd been getting counselling (another 180). She's looking after the child of a friend tonight because her friend is now seeing someone. W social life can't be much whereas I'm getting out and improving myself.
I'm thinking of sending a message to W. Basically, it's to say how I went through a bad time when a parent died and I can understand how I wasn't attractive during that period. I can therefore understand why she bought a house with her parents 2 years ago in prep to leave. That W was then distant and I hadn't known why so I became frustrated and feeling more depressed. She confided in others instead of me. If she had been supportive and honest then I'd have been out of depression a long time ago. I can understand why she lied about her hiding money in prep to leave.
I'm looking to ease the way for her to stop being in denial of what she has done by her realising that I know the truth so there's no point in her telling lies anymore.
Met W at the kids change-over. She seemed more normal than at any other time since DB. W asked me questions. I mentioned that I had been going to a library and reading books. W gave me a double-take because that's such a 180 for me. It's now a regular part of my GAL on one day per week. I enjoy it and have talked with some interesting people and looked at subjects I hadn't thought about before. I said it's going well looking after the kids on my own and it's now really well organised at home and nice and calm. W joked that was because she wasn't there. I was surprised by that self-depreciating comment because she never admits that she's wrong. I didn't comment. I also said that I'd been getting counselling (another 180). She's looking after the child of a friend tonight because her friend is now seeing someone. W social life can't be much whereas I'm getting out and improving myself.
I still dont understand why you are having these 5-10 or whatever minute chats (or more) with her at seemingly every drop off. She lies to you and is rude and so on and yet you still want to have these little pleasant exchanges? For my ex and I, I used to drop the kids off at her door and come up and have these "status update" meetings, but even then, it was only about the kids. Eventually, we started communicating only electronically. I dont understand why you are having these regular personal discussion with her. I again urge you next time to have somewhere to be so you arent having these chats.
Originally Posted by DavidUK
I'm thinking of sending a message to W. Basically, it's to say how I went through a bad time when a parent died and I can understand how I wasn't attractive during that period. I can therefore understand why she bought a house with her parents 2 years ago in prep to leave. That W was then distant and I hadn't known why so I became frustrated and feeling more depressed. She confided in others instead of me. If she had been supportive and honest then I'd have been out of depression a long time ago. I can understand why she lied about her hiding money in prep to leave.
I'm looking to ease the way for her to stop being in denial of what she has done by her realising that I know the truth so there's no point in her telling lies anymore.
No....dont send this. It just puts all of the pressure on her. Right now, she is what she is and she is who she is. There is no rewinding the clock. You dont see how she would read that as this situation is all her fault? You take zero responsibility for your actions, blame your feelings on her, and now you want HER to change? If you want her to stop lying, then next time she lies to your face, just hold your hand up and say something like "we both know thats a lie. Im not going to continue this conversation if you arent being truthful.". It isnt your fault that she lies to your and it isnt her fault that you became depressed.
Again, this isnt just something she is going to "snap out of". If she is going to want to reconcile with you, it's because you are attracting her back by being the best you that you can be consistently and for a long period of time. The best things for you to do include: 1) Focus on becoming the man you want to be. The best version of you. 2) Give her a chance to wonder about you and miss you. Do 180s. GAL. Try new things. 3) Establish and enforce your boundaries. If that is her lying or stealing or whatever. Pick the behaviors you will accept in your life and dont allow the negative behaviors in. These actions are much more powerful than ANYTHING you could write.SAYING you arent depressed anymore is a lot less meaning ful than NOT BEING depressed anymore.
No....dont send this. It just puts all of the pressure on her. Right now, she is what she is and she is who she is. There is no rewinding the clock.
The best things for you to do include: 1) Focus on becoming the man you want to be. The best version of you. 2) Give her a chance to wonder about you and miss you. Do 180s. GAL. Try new things. 3) Establish and enforce your boundaries. If that is her lying or stealing or whatever. Pick the behaviors you will accept in your life and dont allow the negative behaviors in. These actions are much more powerful than ANYTHING you could write.SAYING you arent depressed anymore is a lot less meaning ful than NOT BEING depressed anymore.
Actions, not words. Keep working on yourself D!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I'm thinking of sending a message to W. Basically, it's to say how I went through a bad time when a parent died and I can understand how I wasn't attractive during that period. I can therefore understand why she bought a house with her parents 2 years ago in prep to leave. That W was then distant and I hadn't known why so I became frustrated and feeling more depressed. She confided in others instead of me. If she had been supportive and honest then I'd have been out of depression a long time ago. I can understand why she lied about her hiding money in prep to leave.
I'm looking to ease the way for her to stop being in denial of what she has done by her realising that I know the truth so there's no point in her telling lies anymore.
She isnt in denial. She is following her plan perfectly.
David, write the letter but don't send it. It's more for you than her. The landfills of the world are full of such letters, except for the ones that were burned, LOL! If she ever brings it up then listen and validate and tell her you can understand why she felt that way. No letters though.
Good lord don't send that message. It's 1000% pursuit and will do exactly what you don't want (drive her further away).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
At the start of the day I was told that W had missed the deadline to make a statement for the next custody case but my legal person and her's have agreed to extend the deadline (so I can make changes to mine).
Tonight I had to meet W at the school to speak to teachers together. Her demeanour had totally changed to be more normal and more humble. She was extremely well dressed. I was stunned to see that youngest had drawn a pic in a school book of going to where she now lives with W with a caption saying it was the 'worst day of my life'. I showed it to W. In a calm voice I said to W that I knew she had done a lot of bad things. She denied it. I said there's no point denying it. W then said she would feel uncomfortable about going back. She then said uncomfortable wasn't the right word but then couldn't find the right word. I joked saying because she resents and hates me. She insisted that she didn't, which seems odd considering that she certainly has been like that for a long time.
W said there's no chance of us having a relationship but she wants to talk about us getting along better due to the kids (nope, I'm not going to be friend-zoned). I said I had been reading a book (that's a 180) and it explains the problems we had in a way I hadn't realised. She said that perhaps she'd better read it too (that's a 180 for her to admit she isn't perfect).
W then said a few things that supported me in front of the kids (that's a 180 for her). W raised the issue of new mobile phones for the kids (they already want better ones) and she said to the kids that she would speak to me about it. I said I know she has already told the kids they are to have new ones and when.
At the end she turned and said "we'll talk soon" in a kind of positive, but soft and understanding way.
I don't know why but W seemed a lot different tonight. It had been our anniversary days before, perhaps she senses that I'd had enough and had called out her BS. I'm also asking for her to supply her full financial details that should expose what she's done, we are both going to be doing a course about the impact of S on kids, the kids are with me, it was at the school, W is feeling ill, all but 1 of her friends now has a partner. I'm now doing well with GAL, looking after the kids on my own, and 180s. I am getting there, I think I'll be OK whatever, it's the kids I worry about more than myself. It was like her alien fog had gone and she was almost sorry. I think it's over and she's moved on but on the other-hand she's finding it tough being without the kids and her BS has come-undone. Something I've noticed is that W changes a lot for the better when FiL isn't staying with her.
It still sticks in my mind that after W left, she said that I'd never be able to trust her ever again. I hadn't known why at the time. She then arranged for family days out together and tried to create arguments to use against me. I wonder if I'm being set-up again. She's right, I can't trust her.
