I'm working on it. It's definitely a process. I've never been in such a dark place in my life. Every day is a struggle to function. The past 2 weeks I can't seem to stop crying and it hits me in random places-- the grocery store, the mall... The more I read and think, the more I feel like it's hopeless, like this is his "exit affair." I know that when I see him I'm supposed to be upbeat and act like I'm moving on but I don't know how to find the energy to be that person.
It's been almost 2 months and I haven't had a normal night's sleep yet. Most of the time, I only get 3-4 hours no matter what sleep aid I try. The only ones I haven't tried are Ambien/Lunesta because they scare me and now that I'm on an SSRI, there is a greater risk for serious side effects, so I don't know what to do to sleep again. I think I need to figure that out before I'm capable of much else.
I'm exercising everyday. I make myself eat at least a little healthy food a few times a day. Yoga, a support group, a therapist, an acupuncturist and an aesthetic nurse that's making me look young again... These are my nourishment right now. I've lost 22 pounds and I'm starting to gain muscle, so looking in the mirror is feeling better than it used to. I have a short term plan and a long term plan for myself and I'm mentally preparing a new life for myself.
My biggest problem is that I still don't want a divorce.
Based on The Divorce Remedy and my situation, I should be going dark (which I have been). His response is to match my darkness with darkness. I think he thinks he's doing it for me by giving me space. But it's also easier for him because I know he feels guilty- the last time I saw him he couldn't even look me in the face.
Now I read another book that suggests an effort towards regular connection (non-needy, with no talks about the relationship) and I'm not sure what that entails when your spouse isn't living with you, but now I'm torn about what the right thing to do is.
If he's amenable to seeing each other regularly and maintaining friendship, is that the right thing to so? It feels wrong to me. I feel like I'm a package deal and he doesn't get to have me for a best friend without having me as a wife. It feels wrong to walk beside him without holding hands.
I'm seeing him on Monday to talk and I'm terrified of saying the wrong things and making things worse. What if there is some magical combination of words that will enlighten him and what if what I might have gotten just right, I get all wrong?
Quit putting drugs in your body to do what your body does naturally. Obviously they aren't helping. Your sleep will suck for a while, that's just part of it. Working on your detachment will be the biggest help. You'll eventually stop waking up worried about your situation.
Do you want to be just friends with him? If so, go ahead and be his friend.
What do you mean you're seeing him to talk? Talk about what?
It sounds like you are pursuing and letting him know that you're available as his backup plan. So maybe don't go, unless there is some good reason to go.
There is no magical word combination. It's all attitude and action. If there was a magic password I'd sell it to you and everyone else.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey there. Sorry about your sitch. It royally [censored] everything out of you and drops you in a place of intense pain. The good news is that you are in good hands with the folks here. I have been getting valuable advice from the likes of Steve and ovrrnbw for well over a month now. All good stuff.
My advice to you:
- Feel your emotions. It's ok to cry multiple times per day. It's ok to be good minute and a total mess the next. It's ok to get on medication that will help guide you through this difficult time. The third one I am speaking from my experience.
- Get A Life. Be selfish and work on YOU. Do things you always wanted to do. Go take an art class. Go take photography lessons. Go exercise and lift and do yoga. Meditate. Seek spiritual guidance.
- Create and maintain a trusted support system. One that has nothing to do with your H's friend's or family. This forum is great for that. Confide in a friend. Journal. Find a good IC and work on your issues. Who knows? Maybe there is something deeper that you need to work on that may have subconsciously caused your marriage to derail.
- Do not make decisions that are emotionally driven. Those ALWAYS result in negative consequences. Work on slowing down and thinking it over logically. Discuss your feelings on what you want to do here before you act on them. 999 times out of 999, an emotionally-based decision ends up badly.
- Take it one day at a time. If you can't take it one day, take it one hour. Take it one minute. Small steps. But keep moving.
- Do not snoop. For the love of God, do not snoop. The truth will hurt and it will hurt BAD. It can derail the good progress you have been making and will wreck any trust in you and H. As I bluntly tell myself: Mind my own GD business.
- Most importantly...Don't lose hope. Ever. No one will tell you when to stop hoping. No one will force you to give up but YOU. There will be days in which through this hell you will come out with small victories. Hold on to them. They will at the very least grant you a reprieve from the grief. Build upon them but don't force anything. I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but patience is key here. Or as Steve85 would say:
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This is a marathon, not a sprint
There is a quote that I have written in red ink in my journal:
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When you are finding yourself going through hell, keep going
I’ve been here for 4 months WW is still having affair, I think my sitch is more difficult because she cannot afford to leave and OM is not leaving his W. I would prefer if she just left because it is easier to cope when she is not here because I do not have to worry about where I am in the house, how to respond to questions on the spot, etc. I have made some mistakes because of that.
My first 6 weeks were very difficult, sleep,trying to GAL, detaching, etc after 17 years with someone that has changed overnight and I know that I have had a decent marriage with. It is very hard but like everyone said you have to start doing things for you, not worrying about where H is all the time, staring at Phone all the time waiting for contact. You won’t change his mind right now it has to play out either way.
I know it stinks but you are only in control of you. I am the same way, our life was together, everything.....and now I am alone to start GAL. It takes time to get your head back in the game, but definitely consult a L if you need financial support but only consider D if you know for sure. Doesn’t hurt to be prepared.
Follow some of the techniques the best that you can. Read, that has helped me a lot, post here, you will see that many more than you think have gone through this. Go for a walk, change your routine, I joined a single again group, exercise is huge, at 49 I am in better shape than when I was 30. Think about what you will do depending on how this will play out. If all you have is family, reach out to them, confide in those that you are ok telling them how you feel. Maybe they have ideas about options for moving forward.
Last edited by lost8; 09/03/1811:58 AM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
pain18 and lost8, thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt words. I appreciate it tremendously.
I feel like I'm doing all the right things that I need to do for me. I am exercising everyday. On Sunday, I went to a meditation service for the first time and that was really good for me, so I think I will incorporate that into my life. I have a therapist and a divorce/separation support group. I'm trying to get involved a couple other activities to meet people.
I have needed to make changes for myself for a long time so I'm trying to focus on myself. I am evolving.
Yesterday, my husband and I talked and it was really good. I was sick with anxiety before he came over which seems so crazy that I would be so scared to talk to this man who was my safe place for 13 years. Before he came over, I tried very hard to get myself into the mindset that I would approach our conversation from a place of loving kindness and compassion. This doesn't mean I forgive anything or that I intend to ignore my pain, but the best thing for our relationship long term was to put all of that aside for now. If we patch things up, there will be plenty of time for that. And if not, there will other opportunities for me to vent. But venting now won't accomplish anything.
Somehow, I found words that felt like the right things to say. I didn't try to solve anything or push anything, but we talked a bit about our relationship in a big picture view. He opened up and cried several times. I feel like we connected in a very real and honest way which has been lacking for some time and that was tremendously valuable. I think he left with some important things to think about.
I'd intended to talk about the OW but it didn't feel like the right time. He doesn't know that I know the extent of it and something came up during our visit which made it look to me like the relationship is already imploding (like I knew it would).
One reason for hope... I told him that I wasn't ready to walk away from our marriage and he told me he wasn't sure anymore either. He said 2 weeks before he thought he was sure, but now he's not.
So that's something for me to hold on to.
He also noticed the things I've been doing for myself and said he's happy for me, said I looked good.
I think doing the "going dark" thing was useful. But it was also good to talk and check in. He's going through something too (depression/midlife crisis) and as his fun, temporary fling dwindles he's realizing he still has the same unhappiness he had before (that he blamed me for).
He needs time on his own to figure [censored] out and work on himself (which he knows). He's just not in a place to work on our relationship right now, but I think he may be headed there. I just need to give him time and space.
And I need to GAL and work on me.
I'm glad I started the Lexapro and I'm not sorry. I was in a really dark place and I couldn't take feeling the feelings anymore. The agony was non-stop. I was in such a bad place that doing the things I need to do to get back on track were not going to happen. I couldn't function normally in the world and I was starting to fear for my safety. One week in, (taking only 1/2 a pill each day) my horrible feelings have significantly lessened. I know I need to feel them eventually and I will get off again in a few months, but now I can function in the world, interact with people, focus on getting some work done and getting a job.
That's all for now. I'll update when I have news to share.
Thanks again for your words of kindness and encouragement.
I'm glad I started the Lexapro and I'm not sorry. I was in a really dark place and I couldn't take feeling the feelings anymore. The agony was non-stop. I was in such a bad place that doing the things I need to do to get back on track were not going to happen. I couldn't function normally in the world and I was starting to fear for my safety. One week in, (taking only 1/2 a pill each day) my horrible feelings have significantly lessened. I know I need to feel them eventually and I will get off again in a few months, but now I can function in the world, interact with people, focus on getting some work done and getting a job.
Lexapro got me through three years and change of post-college life. I had other real life issues I had to deal and I was able to have genuine feelings regularly. Just keep an eye on things as it takes a while to build in your bloodstream. Talk to your doctor regularly about how you're feeling on the medication.
And again, pills don't fix anything. Pills won't help fix you, that's all on you. Are you seeing an IC?
