I'm new here so I apologize if I don't use the correct acronyms...
My nightmare started 42 days ago (less than 2 weeks before our 10 year anniversary). 43 days ago, I thought I was happily married. We've been together for a total of 13 years (no kids).
Although our marriage did need some attention and we needed to work on reconnecting and rekindling our passion, we always had a good strong foundation. We were best friends. Until recently, we've always been kind and respectful to each other. We have fun. We're ourselves with each other and we get along well. Maybe it seemed too easy.
But I guess all of a sudden there was a perfect storm of influences. Work has been extremely stressful for almost a year-- long hours, impossible project timeline. He was so stressed and having such a hard time that he started taking antidepressants in December. Soon afterwards, he became distant and was on his phone/social media a lot. I was feeling ignored but I didn't want to add to his stress so I told myself to let it go, that things would improve when the project was done. I really thought it was just work stress. I had no idea my marriage was in trouble.
So after dinner one night, out of nowhere, he tells me he wants a divorce. I was in total shock. It didn't even seem real. He left the house and I, with my bottle of Sambucca, went upstairs and decided to snoop on his Facebook account. The password had been saved on our computer. (I'd never snooped before.)
There, I found a long ongoing conversation with an ex he dated before me (out of state), who is married with 2 babies. It started out innocent and then later became sexually explicit. He said he was thinking of divorce months before he told me. He told her he loved her. He told her, "it should have been you." I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart.
There was mention of moving the conversation to a private email address. I felt like my whole marriage was a lie. 13 years of my life. I thought we'd had this beautiful, sweet, rare love between us. I'd trusted him completely. I took screen shots of the entire conversation.
The next day, I took off to a hotel for a couple of days. While I was gone gone, I emailed the screen shots to the woman's husband through Facebook. Then, when I was looking through the phone records, I found a call to a number at 11:30 pm the night after he told me he wanted a divorce. I called the number. It was a different woman who gave her name, which I looked up on Facebook. (Someone he worked with.) When I asked him to tell me everything a few days later, he said "nothing's happened." I asked about the phone call. He said it was just a friend from work who knew what was going on and called to check on him. I knew this was lie because he called her, but I accepted the rest for some reason.
He went to one marriage counseling session with me but only "because I told him to", he told the counselor. He told her that he was just "done." But then he told her I was his best friend.
He stayed in the guest room at our house for about 10 days. In communications, he was very careful never to call it "home". How that happens from one day to the next, I have no idea. We were quiet, but cordial. It seemed he wanted to maintain my friendship without the whole package. I was a mess. I could barely function. It took me forever just to get dressed. I was (and still am) averaging 3-5 hours of sleep per night. He, on the other hand, was going out at night to see bands and movies and reading books like he was totally fine.
During this time, I came across a couple of scientific journal articles about antidepressants shutting down the neural pathways involved in romantic love and long-term attachment. I found a forum with hundreds and hundreds of people who'd had spouses suddenly walk away after starting antidepressants. I became convinced that this was the cause of my marriage falling apart.
The last night he was there, we'd planned to talk a bit. It was then that he told me he was seeing someone. I lost it like I've never lost it in my life. I was already beaten so far down, stabbed in the back, stabbed in the heart and I felt like set me on fire. Just two weeks prior, I thought I was going to grow old with this man. Now I didn't even know who he was. He was so cold, so cruel. I felt like he was purposefully pummeling me emotionally, like he was trying to destroy me and he didn't care.
I broke a lamp. I hyperventilated for so long, I finally had to breath into a bag because I couldn't breath. When I could finally talk, I asked, "how long?" He said not long. (I now suspect an emotional affair was going on well before he asked for a divorce.) I asked if they'd had sex. He said no. I asked him, "can you not, please?" He agreed but that's probably not believable either.
The next day, I texted this woman a photo of my wedding ring and told her that in a few days it would be 10 years since my husband put that ring on my finger. It was a very mature text considering all the names I wanted to call her (I didn't). I asked her to stay away from my husband for as long as he was my husband.
Later, I texted my H and told him it was unacceptable for him to be dating other women while he was married to me.
He left and for two weeks he stayed somewhere, but I didn't know where. He came by the house a couple of times to pick up mail and clothing. The last time, he told me he'd gotten off the antidepressants. Not sure if I believe him, but if his vows have already been broken and his attention is elsewhere, it may be too late to know if the drugs took him to this place.
In any case, it seems the MLC symptoms are exactly the same as the antidepressant loss of attachment symptoms, so it's hard to know if it's one or the other, or both.
For weeks, I had no idea where he was staying or what he was doing. I didn't know if my texts had worked. (Or the letter I gave him that I know I shouldn't have.) I thought maybe I'd been able to talk a little sense into both of them before it went any further.
Then he left to go back home to Indiana to see his parents a couple of weeks ago. I bought a GPS tracker and put it on his car while it was parked at the airport (I know where he always parks). I had the settings wrong, so I'm not sure where he went after he got back yesterday, but today after work, he went to this woman's place. His car is parked about 3 blocks from where she lives. So now I know he's still seeing her. Tomorrow morning, I will know if he stayed the night and then I can probably assume he's been staying with her this whole time.
I can't believe this is happening.
For weeks, I've been very much wanting to follow Michele's 7-step plan and find a way to rebuild my marriage, but knowing now that he's been with her this whole time, just fills me with hate and disgust. I'm so deeply and profoundly hurt. I would never ever have hurt him the way he's hurt me.
I still can't figure out how he could do this to me. We don't really have friends in this state so for the 11 years we've been here, it's just been the two of us. (Not good, I know.) I am very much alone. My mom passed 8 years ago. My dad has dementia. My brother and friends are all in another state that's too expensive for me to move back to.
I can't believe what's happened to my life.
Even if he did come back around, how can I possibly ever forgive him? How can I ever not want to get back at him and hurt him the way he hurt me? How could he ever make it up to me?
Why do I even want him? This isn't who I married.
I've decided now that I'm going to see a lawyer this week because I want to look into a legal separation and I want to be sure I don't make any mistakes. I need to protect myself.
I've been chasing him, trying to talk him out of throwing our marriage away, talking about working things out... It stops now. I think he needs to see a side of me that is ready to walk away. This makes sense, doesn't it?
I will continue to work on myself. Exercise, get back in shape, get filler and botox, acupuncture, etc...
I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm so tired of all these awful feelings and knowing he's out having fun with another woman makes me sick.
How do I not hate him? How do I keep hope alive with all these horrible feelings?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
First, sorry you are here and sorry you are going through this. But you've found a forum full of people that have been through similar experiences.
My first advice is to take a deep breath, and breathe! Your post came through as so emotionally tense, I could feel you coiled up as if every muscle in your body is tight and in full flex mode. That is no way to live. (And yes I understand that a lot of this, and most of the advice here, is easier said than done, but it still helps to hear it.)
Second, you need to take the laser focus off of him. I realize this is all still raw (in fact that is my next point), and therefore a lot of your initial post is focused on the sitch and him. But I started to get the sense at the end of your post that you are starting to come around to the fact that you deserve better and have tremendous value. AND YOU DO! Do not ever lose sight of that.
Third, one of the reasons you need to step back is that your sitch is still so new. 42 days is NOTHING. We have people here that have been in limbo for months, if not years! So if you can still measure your sitch in days you know it is still very new. Here is the thing, this is a marathon not sprint. Slow and steady wins the race. No one has been successful in these things by doing things fast. I can tell that you are the type of person that leaps into action. If you see a person or animal in trouble you are ready to take action. You are decisive and responsive and ready to take on whatever needs to be taken on.
That works against you in these sitches. Sending screenshots of messages to OW's husband WORKS AGAINST YOU! Why? Because it could mean that now they are getting a divorce and she is free. Texting OW the way you did with a picture of your ring and that you are going on a 10 year anniversary works against you! Why? Because he has already poisoned the well with her regarding you. To her you are the worst wife in the history of the world, and you reacting like this, demanding she stay away from him, cements that not only in her mind, but in his.
Your interactions with him works against you! The fact that you told him not to sleep with OW, that you contacted OW and her husband, etc shows that you are trying to control him. Likely one of his biggest gripes against you right now is that you are controlling. So you see that after BD you go into damage control (there is that word again) mode and solidify that complaint in his mind.
Almost everything that is instinctual in LBSs is wrong to do in these sitches. That is why the advice is to GAL, 180, detach. These all focus on the one thing you still have control over: YOU! So put your focus and energy where it belongs, on you. Focus on what you can do, not for him....for you!
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I've been chasing him, trying to talk him out of throwing our marriage away, talking about working things out... It stops now. I think he needs to see a side of me that is ready to walk away. This makes sense, doesn't it?
That make perfect sense! You need to show yourself, not him, that you are ready to walk away. By natural extension he will see it to. That might be what gives him a wake up call. Until now everything you've said and done tells him that he could come back to you no questions asked. You need to take that option off the table.
Now, understand that this doesn't mean you file for D. That is always in you right to do, but it does mean you take action that shows him he is no longer welcome home. Change the locks. Do not initiate contact. When he contacts you first don't answer your phone. When he texts if it is informational you do not respond. If it is a question, do not respond right away, and when you do use as few words as possible. If it is a yes or no question answer with yes or no!
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Even if he did come back around, how can I possibly ever forgive him? How can I ever not want to get back at him and hurt him the way he hurt me? How could he ever make it up to me?
All valid questions, but questions that you do not have to answer now. For now do not forgive him. Do not try to get back at him or hurt him. Do not expect him to make it up. All of that is HIM focused. Move on for you! Let him go. For you. If you let him go and move on then you have a better chance of coming to grips with those questions in reality.
Finally:
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I will continue to work on myself. Exercise, get back in shape, get filler and botox, acupuncture, etc...
I like the exercise plan and getting into shape. Not sure what acupuncture does for you. But the filler and botox? Please again see my point about making rash, emotional decisions right now. That is something people regret later on. Likely you don't need it and you are just looking for ways to soothe your stepped on self-esteem. Remember, this isn't all about you. Hard to believe I know, but this is something he is going through. You said your marriage, while not perfect was solid, non-flawed people do not do this kind of thing. His flaws have nothing to do with you, more than likely. You can have been a stepford wife and he still could have done this.
Oh, one last thing. I see you looking for the magic bullet. Anti-depressants and MLC. If you go read my initial thread you can see I was done the same path as you are. "It has to be her anti-depressants!" "Maybe it is a MLC!" The bottom line is that none of that matters. It changes nothing you should do. Even if those are the causes you should still detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you can be for yourself! Read all of cadet's links. Read DB/DR. Put the principles in practice. He'll either come around or he won't. But you will be fine either way!
P.S. GAL means no excuses. No more "everyone I know is out of state". Go meet new people. Make new friends. Get involved in hobbies and activities. Expand your network. Build a new support network! You have this! Make it happen!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cadet, thanks very much for the welcome and all the helpful links. I appreciate it.
Steve85, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your very thoughtful reply and for your advice. I can't tell you how much I needed that. I want to follow Michele's principles, but sometimes I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
I do recognize that I can be controlling and I've been trying to stop (I'm getting there). I've been "driving the car" for 13 years and I never intended to, but that's just the dynamic that ended up playing out for us. I'm the one who figures everything out about our lives-- every appliance we've ever bought, I researched and purchased. Every home improvement project, every trades person we've ever hired, every vacation, every nice dinner out, every move, every yard project... I've researched and managed it all. I'm tired of it.
I am going to meet with a lawyer as soon as I can just to get info about a legal separation. I am reliant on the H's income for groceries, etc and he has continued to fund the account I use (out of guilt, I'm sure). But if I do anything to make him too mad (like changing locks), I'm afraid he'll stop, so I need to know what sort of legal parameters can be set up to protect myself. I have no intention of moving forward with D at this time, but I would like things stipulated clearly.
I am thinking of putting all his clothes and shoes into bags so the next time he comes to pick up mail, he can take them back to his "new place". Do you think that's appropriate? I feel like it isn't right for him to have one foot in this door and one foot in hers. If he wants to be there, he should be there completely.
I see your situation is fairly fresh, also. I'm sorry for you too and I wish you the very best in turning things around. Thanks so much again, Steve85.
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M(46), H(48) (no kids) M-10, T-13 Bomb Drop - July 10, 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
DG100, yes by all means, bag up his stuff. Also, yes you need to figure out how to be self-sufficient moving forward. Even if he is required to pay spousal support, that usually is temporary. But yes, this one foot in one foot out gives him too much flexibility. He needs to pee or get off the pot.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
you have a rough situation. I made all the same mistakes and more. It ate me alive. You have to back off for your own sanity. You have to find your own happiness. This won't happen easily, or overnight. Find the inner you, the strong and happy person and focus on that.
Your H is a cheater. No need to look at the GPS tracker, if your H isn't home it's probably safe to assume where he is. Loving partners are home in bed every night, not out, leaving you to wonder where they are.
Teach yourself to stop reacting emotionally to everything he says and remember the DB rule "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". He is full of $%!+. Don't let this crazy guy dictate your reactions.
I hate to say this, but your H most likely been doing worse things and for longer than you know about. Just prepare yourself for this.
My biggest piece of advice is this: don't believe something just because you want to believe it. I did this so many times, and when I read you say "I can't believe this is happening", you made me think of this idea. B/c we can't believe it's happening, we tend to believe the wrong things - we want things to be better than what they are.
You can do this. Even though you don't know what you're doing yet (saving the M or moving on), the path for you is the same.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I hate to say this, but your H most likely been doing worse things and for longer than you know about. Just prepare yourself for this.
BINGO! Well said ovrrnbw. And DG100, this fact that ovr points out is why you need to concentrate on another piece of advice he just gave:
[quoe]Teach yourself to stop reacting emotionally to everything he says and remember the DB rule "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". He is full of $%!+. Don't let this crazy guy dictate your reactions.[/quote]
To be frank, hyperventilating and breaking lamps does absolutely nothing to help your situation. Put your energy in things that actually do help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, hyperventilating was an unconscious reaction. My entire reaction was not controllable. I've never been so hurt by someone in my life. And he was the person I trusted most in the world. I don't think it was unreasonable considering the fact that until about 11 days before I thought I was in happy marriage and that I would grow old with this man. We literally went away for weekend two days before this happened.
Now, several weeks later, I'm more used to the idea of him being someone completely different than he used to be. It's like a death, frankly.
I know I need to figure out how to GAL. I need to find some source of joy, even if it takes a long time to get there or figure out what it is. I need to find people/friends/a tribe somehow. I need to find moments of peace-- so far I've only found that in a few really good yoga classes and with the acupuncture (highly recommend, by the way). One foot in front of the other...
My biggest focus at the moment is figuring out how to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep at night. This insomnia is killing me-- it makes functioning even harder.
And I will withdraw and stay away from him at all costs. No communication except what is absolutely necessary.
Anyway, thanks to you all for your messages and support. I really appreciate it. I'll keep you all posted.
Well, hyperventilating was an unconscious reaction. My entire reaction was not controllable. I've never been so hurt by someone in my life. And he was the person I trusted most in the world. I don't think it was unreasonable considering the fact that until about 11 days before I thought I was in happy marriage and that I would grow old with this man. We literally went away for weekend two days before this happened.
yep I didn't mean to make it sound like you want to hyperventilate. I realize that is a body's natural reaction to emotional distress. What I meant was moving forward......you should strive to be emotionally detached from him. No more breaking things and melting down. We have a saying: Like water off a duck's back.
It doesn't happen overnight, it takes time. But you by consciously working on it eventually you will get there.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
