Oh what a week. Monday W returned the two younger kids (10+9) to the family home and asked if she could come in and take half the school uniform. I said that was fine and she went to the boys’ bedroom, I left her for five minutes and then went in - because she has returned a few times to the house and taken non personal items I had to make sure she wasn’t taking anything else. She immediately started swearing at me and insulting me and I said this was unacceptable - she may on paper share ownership of the house, but she has moved out and it is my home and it’s wholly inappropriate to come into my home and be abusive to me. She then started gathering up non school uniform clothes and I asked her what she was doing “I f-ing bought them” was her reply. I bought the house before we were even together and in good faith put it in joint names two and a half years ago, so I asked her if that was the basis on how she wanted to approach mediation- who bought whatever gets to keep it. She didn’t reply. I ended up grabbing the pile of non school clothes she had in her hand and asked her to leave.
That really set me up in a bad way for the day.
I wrote an email to my Lawyer detailing what had happened and told him I had recorded the whole thing on my watch. He then wrote to my W’s lawyer and today we received a reply which said that my W claimed I was abusive first and that I had refused to let her take any school uniform from the house, and that it was unacceptable that I was recording these interactions with my W. We are in the U.K. and it seems that without the consent of the other person, recordings are inadmissible in U.K. courts- regardless the recording still clearly shows that my W is happy to lie to her L.
Then yesterday my Dad came over - he lives in NYC so he’s come back to the U.K. for a month.
My niece was playing on his iPhone X and she asked me to help her use it, I’ve not had my hands on his phone so fiddled about with it and (I know this is wrong of me) had a peek at the messages between my brother and my father. Back when I first revived the draft divorce petition, on my lawyer’s suggestion a letter was written to my W saying that we felt that there had been many serious challenging things that had put the marriage under a huge amount of strain, and would she consider choosing a marriage counsellor and trying counselling. My brother had messaged my dad to say had he heard about this, to which my dad replied “pathetic, what a loser” “he’s the weakest of my sons” - i lost my wife 14 years in tragic accident, remarried current W, had cancer three times in the last 9 years and now am really struggling with this divorce in progress. Talk about kicking a man when he’s down. My dad is a classic narcissist - spoilt single child who never admits he’s in the wrong and unable to have empathy with other people’s aituations, but, aged 48 as I am I found his comments (which of course I wasn’t meant to see) so incredibly hurtful. Needless to say I flipped out and told my dad I was glad that I now knew his true feelings about me, my brother and I were both going to have him stay in our respective homes for the month. I said that he was dead to me and shortly after left my brothers house with my kids. No contact from my dad today, no surprises there as narcissists don’t apologise. My therapist said it was appalling and that I should really question why I would want someone like that in my life?
All in all a crappy week.
And I thought it was hard last week.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Your father is an ahole and his comments reveal only his own faults, not yours.
Suggestion, unless you can't financially deal, don't engage with this type of person. No good will come from it. Next time, let her take the clothes (or the whatever). Show her you won't engage. You'll pay more in lawyer fees fighting over this stuff than just replacing the clothes.
My W has also been taking school uniforms etc. I took the kids to buy new ones. The kids are delighted and it was a good GAL experience.
My W is also legally allowed to come into the house but my solicitor has now requested that she only does so by agreement and leave before a set time so not to be disruptive to the kids.
Your father is an ahole and his comments reveal only his own faults, not yours.
Suggestion, unless you can't financially deal, don't engage with this type of person. No good will come from it. Next time, let her take the clothes (or the whatever). Show her you won't engage. You'll pay more in lawyer fees fighting over this stuff than just replacing the clothes.
Good advice, thanks
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
My W has also been taking school uniforms etc. I took the kids to buy new ones. The kids are delighted and it was a good GAL experience.
My W is also legally allowed to come into the house but my solicitor has now requested that she only does so by agreement and leave before a set time so not to be disruptive to the kids.
My solicitor has done the same, she now will give me 48 hours notice and a list of what she wants and won’t enter the house.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Hi jay. We don´t choose family but it is what we have. I get your pain man, just don´t be too harsh on your father. You don´t need to open a second battle front.
I never had a very good relation with my father. I clearly remember being a teenager and hearing mom and dad talking about me. My dad was saying that I was selfish. I took that what I heard as a truth and it made me change my relation with my brother and sister...I think it helped me at the end. 23 years after my dad passed away I discovered that he was not my real father...So, you know...we don´t choose family. Let time heal the wounds.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Neffer- I hear that, but at the same time - my first wife was electrocuted 14 years ago and I brought up two boys who have both gone on to top universities recently, I’ve had cancer three times and my stbx wife turned out to be an abusive alcoholic, and I’m still standing and haven’t lost myself to drink and anything else. For my old man to say I’m pathetic and a loser...Well, it’s his probelm, I will try to not let it be my probelm as well!
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Jay, very sorry you're going through this! My dad is an abusive narcissist as well. I put up with it most of my life "because he's my dad" but you know what? He has no right to abuse me and your dad has no right to abuse you. Several years ago after my dad threatened my brother-in-law's life while pointing a gun at him, I told him he owed my BIL an apology and instead he took a swing and tried to punch me in the face. I broke all contact and have barely spoken to him since. My attitude is cut the poison out of your life.
