Eryam, I hope things can cool off and divorce doesn't come up again. I guess things that I've already written remain the same. From a total outsider's perspective it seems you should try to stay in during your night's out if you want to work things out, but it's still worth determining whether your husband is abusive or controlling in a way that's unhealthy for you and your kids or if he's a good man who is frustrated and possibly got pushed over the edge when you started going out with other men. Based on what you determine it may or may not be the best thing to try to save the marriage, but in general it seems to be best for the kids to save the marriage unless there's something really bad happening. I hope it works. I hope you can do exactly what needs to be done to reverse your husband's decision to file. Good luck!
I can't determine if he's found me on here again. I've been careful to only use incognito tabs so as not to track my history. But randomly today, he started a text conversation about how we agreed to alternate days and how I had been difficult about things.
That's what I wrote about in my last entry.
It could be coincidence. Idk.
He doesn't like my logic. He keeps trying to gaslight me in order to not see my logic. I asked him the question, "why are you wanting the D? What will it get you? What need will it satisfy that you are not getting today in the present situation?"
After a long pause he said, "Why is it important for you to know?"
After a few more back and forths, he eventually told me, "I want to be happy and I want to be with someone that understand me and that I understand."
Eventually we talked in the evening and it was probably the calmest discussion we've had about our R in a long time. He would vacillate between talking with me about us, and then just talking about other life events in general. After he'd done this a few times I said, "you understand this is marriage, right? Sitting here talking about world events, our boring work BS.... that's really what marriage is."
He said, "I guess I'm married to everyone then... I can talk to anyone"
Me: Well I can talk to anyone about anything too, but that doesn't mean I share the same value and beliefs as they do. H: I think we're too different. Me: I think we're more a Venn diagram than you think. Sure we have differences, everyone does, but on the things that really matter, we're on the same page. H: But I don't have any feelings for you. Me: You think I have a whole lot of feelings for you right now? I haven't felt much in a long time either in that department. But we're not uncommon in that. We just have to find our way again. H: I think we make good business partners. We do well in child rearing and real estate.... we do well in major life decisions. Me: Then why can't we treat our marriage that way?
Eventually I had to leave the conversation bc I was doing a session with a client. By the time I was done, he was in bed and asked if we could resume the conversation today. I said sure.
I had a BS day at work yesterday. It was terrible. I need to find a new job. Really, really need to find a new job. But there's just been no time. I got more feedback from a resume specialist, and I think I can do some more to help clean up things, but I just have no time right now.
I'm also in so much pain. So much physical pain. I've had to take my migraine medication 3 times this week (which is unusual) and I've also had to take Xanax and unknown amounts of ibuprofen. Everything hurts.
This is why you need to avoid R talks for now. All I see here is you chasing and him fleeing. The exact opposite dynamic that you want. You want to be distancing/detaching, and then eventually he may chase. But he can not ever be the chaser if you are chaser.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah. I think I do. He hasn't mentioned separation today. I have tried not to talk about it. I only mentioned something once and he gave me a response that did not answer my question.
I as offered a job. Idk how I feel about it. On the one hand, it would add to my skill set, it's closer to home, doesn't involve tolls on the drive, and there's a very clear path to advancement. On the other hand the PTO is total crap compared to what I'm used to and it appears they have standard 50 hr work week. I still need to carefully examine the benefits. I'm not totally sold on the position. It doesn't really excited me, but it would hit the mark as far as a closer drive and it gets me into a more managerial role. They also said they'd be interested in promoting me in 6 months. IDK. I have to think about it. The reviews online have said no work/life balance. That is huge for me.
H is supportive of it. Idk. He says that the reason he's unhappy doesn't have to do with how much I have been gone, but when he complains about me, it's bc he thinks I don't do enough. I can't win w him. And yes incapable of saying what he does want. He only knows how to fuss.
I can literally see his face change when he gets into his negative mindset. When he turns from Jekyll to Hyde. He becomes nasty to me in what he says and the tone he uses, his whole body language changes. Last night he took a 1.5 hr walk starting at 10. He asked if it was ok for him to walk (I never say no), and when he came back he said nothing. Took a shower, then went upstairs and said nothing. I texted him to ask if he was ok. He said he was. Asked why and if I was ok. I said, "yes, you just didn't say anything after you came back from your walk." He said he just didn't want to disturb me watching TV.
I have to work for a few hours today. I only have to work on a Saturday about 3 times a year, and I get to flex the hours, so I don't mind. H is with the kids all day. He doesn't seem to mind it.
I'm going to really try to practice some self care today. Play with my kids. Just try to recuperate from this past week. It's been really bad.
He's supposed to see his new therapist on Tuesday. I have several upcoming doctor's appointments this week related to pinpointing exactly how my recently discovered genetic condition affects me. I'll be glad to know what I should/shouldn't be doing to keep my body in the best possible condition. I've known for years something was wrong with me, but getting a diagnosis took a long time. I felt so stupid and like a hypochondriac. H would think that it was all in my head, but every time I'd go to the doctor something was legitimately wrong with me. Finding out I have this illness is both a blessing and a curse. I finally have answers, but I also know this is never going to go away. I will always have to be cognizant of my limitations. And I've most likely passed it on to all my children.
But I'm glad to finally know. I've always been a person who felt better with knowledge, even if the situation seemed dire.
That's been a big hang up for me in wanting to be with H. He minimizes my illnesses. Always has. It's very hurtful. He has said that I just need to "push through." But that's not how it works. That's not how my body works, and it's not how brains work. There are just things I need to do or not do. I should not be outside in extreme temperatures. I should not be outside when allergen counts are high. I need to make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep. I need to exercise regularly and have plenty of time to stretch. I need caffeine to make it through my day, or I need to be allowed to nap. These are things that I biologically cannot control, but that my body needs. I don't like it. I don't like being high maintenance like that. But that appears to be the body I was given.
H just doesn't get it. Maybe he will once he sees our children struggle. Because it's not if, but when they really start to have problems with this illness too. Unfortunately, it will come one day.
Nothing much has happened lately. That's a good thing - I'm not complaining.
I've accepted a new job. I'll start at the end of the month. I'll get paid a little more and the commute will be significantly shorter/cheaper, so that's a pay raise in and of itself. I've been researching what I need to do to start my own private practice on the side, and I've joined a women's real estate group. I'm trying to focus on me.
I'm just lonely. I miss H as my friend. He's not been vicious lately. Just not communicating with me about anything other than pure logistics. As long as he's not actively hating on me, I guess that's a good thing.
