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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806321
08/11/18 12:54 PM
08/11/18 12:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,067
North East US
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pinn Online
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pinn  Online
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Dang G... that is crazy. You can't catch a break. Maybe he is struggling with the end of his marriage. I think we all know how tough that is. Of course, that doesn't make things any easier for you.

Maybe take pause on the dating life for a bit while the other stuff gets sorted out? Then hit the ole reset button? Ugh... hang in there!


Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' everybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day, hey hey
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806333
08/11/18 02:34 PM
08/11/18 02:34 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,991
Canada
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AndrewP Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I make a difference. I am a good person. I can recognize the hurt in others. I try to help it. Ease it.
Sending you the biggest hug I can fit through this screen ((((((G))))))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806342
08/11/18 03:03 PM
08/11/18 03:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,420
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kml Offline
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I don't think you did anything wrong. Don't you think this is more likely about him still being hung up on his ex girlfriend who ghosted him?

As one character on the show Insecure said to the other: " you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a really good frog ".

Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806350
08/11/18 03:51 PM
08/11/18 03:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,669
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Thank you. I really do need all he hugs I can get.

I don't think I did anything wrong. But to hear, and not for the first time, that there is something missing for him that he can't put his finger on really crushes me inside. But maybe that 10% does not come in 2 weeks. Also, for all openness and honesty, I feel so awful because he chose a very intimate vulnerable time to do this. Naked, holding eachother. Telling a woman when you are fully exposed in so many ways what he did in that state has to be about the worst most insensitive time ever. That wasn't the time. You can tell the truth, sure, but not like that. I feel like I just want to cover myself up completely. I never said that to him last night. So I did this morning. NO response of course, but didn't want one. When I jumped out of bed, he just wrapped his arms around me tight and didn't want to let me go. I don't get it.

I don't know if it is the girlfriend or the ex wife that is messing him up. I understand that loss of what you worked hard for and to lose it in a blink of an eye. I feel for his grieving. I really do, and he knows that. I wasn't really "nice" and sweet and understanding after he did what he did, but the way he did it left me super angry.

Want to hear the icing on the cake? I left the house for the home inspection, went to the DMV and got my new plates since I bought out my lease. It was actually a 15 min ordeal. So I went to the bookstore. Bought some books, grabbed a coffee and waiting a while. On my way home, I was turning off the main 2 lane road to where my street was. Sitting there with my blinker on waiting to make my turn. And then "BOOM" a lyft driver rear ended me hard, Damaged my car even more, and I never even got an estimate from the first. I just lost it, crying uncontrollably. The officer is someone I went to high school with. He felt bad and wished me a better week and said he was sorry this all happened.

In a week, I lost my house, I am facing an eviction, I lost a guy I cared about and got seriously rejected, and got in 2 car accidents all in one week. My mental resolve is yet again being tested. I am near a breakdown. I had plans with my friends today to shop eat and get some drinks. I tried to back out, but my friend won't let me. Another friend who is coming also went through a bad breakup last week. These friends are always there for me and we are always there for each other. I am so fortunate for that. We won't let each other fall. We just won't, no matter what. That is rare.

I took 2 Xanax because I have been shaking and crying. I need to just lay in my bed, watch orange is the new black and eat my free cookie.

Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806366
08/11/18 06:50 PM
08/11/18 06:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,709
Midwest
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DonH Online
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I join the others Ginger in giving you huge hugs and saying this is not nearly as much about you as it is about HIM! It just is and that is obvious. I think we can talk more down the road but for now you need to take care of you. Whatever is going on will likely reveal itself - unless you chose not to speak with him anymore. I can't see how this would be about his ex wife since he's been D'd for multiple years already - and had something similiar happen to him. It's more likely related to this previous GF as well as the fact that he may just not be mentally healthy for an R.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Even when you do it right, and the person can tell you things were better than with his ex-wife and I am such an amazing person, it's still not enough.


Just this right here tells me he's not making sense. How on earth could he know that someone is better than an ex-wife he lived with for many years and had kids with after only two weeks? How is that possible? I'm not saying it might not ultimately be true but there is simply no way he could know that at this point. It also speaks to the somewhat likely whirlwind nature of it for him.

You also say this happened while naked - after "fooling around.". Without getting graphic... you also said he had too much to drink. Do you think that effected this? Or were you saying it effected his ability to be intimate with you? Was that what was going on right before? I can tell you that male orgasm can produce a huge hormone shift in some guys - even a few minutes of a depression of sorts can follow. I've had it happen to me in years past - mostly with those I was not in love with. None of this explains what's going on in his head but might explain a bit of his behavior - but not at all excuse it.

I can only imagine how you feel with this happening like this. I don't think it's nearly as much about this specific guy but just the whole thing in general. It's one of my biggest fears. I actually fear it more due to past trauma and depression - I fear that I'll fall into a depression like I did post bomb with my WAW. I'm sure the same type of thing is going on with you - the repeated events happening over and over again. Perhaps it's not only about protecting a new R but also protecting yourself from guys you really have not gotten to know yet. They are starting to show who they really are - not who you thought they are.

I don't want to go any further but brought those up to try to illustrate that this is much more about him than it is about you. It simply is. I know it still hurts like heck but you may well have dodged a bullet with this guy if he went from where he went to where he ended in a matter of an hour??????? He's got something going on. Please take care of you and lean on your friends and those of us here however you need to.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806392
08/11/18 10:42 PM
08/11/18 10:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,793
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"It's my daughter. She will keep me going and I will live for her. I will take my health into my hands again. I will get fit again. I will make personal goals that involve no one but me. I will honor where I am in life. An independent woman who loves hard, is kind, is driven. I will give whatever I have left in me to the areas and people that deserve it. Who appreciate it and don't want t lose it."

I think this is where you need to be any way, to really be in a position to judge a partner anyway.

I am sorry for all this crazy bad luck!!! Ugh!!!! It is all him and I agree with the others. You are better off discovering it this early. I have the feeling he is gonna try to call you again. I really do.

I do notice Guys fall for women, when they are not completely into them. Regardless of what "league" they are each in. They just dont like it when its easy. I am not saying to play games. Just making an observation.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806408
08/12/18 02:26 AM
08/12/18 02:26 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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That stinks G.

I'm confused about one thing. Did he make this 'only 90% right' statement and then explain that he wanted to end things? Or did he make this statement as if to indicate that he was conflicted and confused and then you left because it hurt you so much?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806409
08/12/18 02:43 AM
08/12/18 02:43 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,889
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Iím sorry, G. Sending you a hug. Hang in there!


Me-42 xh-41
3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Zues126] #2806412
08/12/18 03:23 AM
08/12/18 03:23 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,669
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Originally Posted by Zues126
That stinks G.

I'm confused about one thing. Did he make this 'only 90% right' statement and then explain that he wanted to end things? Or did he make this statement as if to indicate that he was conflicted and confused and then you left because it hurt you so much?



I am questioning this now, Zues. I ma playing it over in my head. He was direct with saying that but it was definitely implied. I admit, I jumped out of bed. I had to get away. The way he did it, was not something I was able to handle. We were in a very physical and emotional moment and he drops this on me. I think maybe if this conversation came today, not with alcohol involved, not being completely naked holding eachother and post an intimate act, maybe it would have ended and we could have really talked it out reasonably. I don't even think I could be with a guy who do it this way.

He never replied to the last statement of our small exchange today. He did apologize for not answering because he was at an amusement park and he was telling me about how he beat his record for riding this on coaster over and over. I told him about my car accident. He did tell me he was sorry the timing was bad and he blurted it out as soon as it came to his head. And he said he wanted to "take things further" (have sex with me) but couldn't do it because he freaked and came up with this thought.

Something came to my mind today. He was telling me the other night when him and his ex were dating and took a break he was dating this other woman and one night it got hot and heavy and he oculdn'tgo though with it and he ran from the house. I think it was because of his exwife. Maybe this was because of his ex GF. But I guess this wasn't the first time.

I am analyzing everything, but in the end, he did end it. And he said some worrisome things about where he is. I think he is trying to replicate a marriage immediately. He is the one trying to move too fast. It wasn't me. I told him I wasn't 100% there either for it being 2 weeks. That takes time and getting to know eachother. He never responded to that. Oh, and he is active again on POF.

It's simply over. I am fighting the urge to text him and ask questions. It doesn't matter. But I am just trying to make sure I keep telling myself that what was missing wasn't something in me. It's something in him. Even if I was perfect, he isn't there yet. He admitted he is so confused.


I will not beat myself up for reacting the way I did. He hurt me the way he did it. and it was worthy of my reaction.


My friends came over tonight and helped make me feel better. We have had torrential down pours and it is flooding badly. My ex potential house might be flooded. The highway by my house flooded and actually flooded a car dealer ship and the cars were floating away and piling on top of eachother.


What I really hate is if my ability to trust anything is gone. If I will be too scared to do this again.

I dunno. I am so sad. For many different reasons.

Re: Am I coming or going? [Re: Ginger1] #2806422
08/12/18 01:08 PM
08/12/18 01:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,399
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TBSakaJ9 Online
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Sounds like this is on him G especially if he is active again on the website. Itís just the timing of when he dropped the news and that you guys were hanging out so frequently that has me confused. Unless he got in over his head and didnít realize it. I hate it when you meet someone online, you start texting off the app to arrange your date but them you still see them active on the app. I know itís part of the game of dating but it puts a bad taste in my mouth since you know she is chatting it up with multiple dudes.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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