Am I coming or going?

[Georgiabelle]

G,

Glad date 2 went well. Everything will evolve in time-gotta let it play out in due time. No rush.

The house sounds like it needs some work but it will be fun to have something to make your own. Yes, the flooding would be a concern, but do your due diligence and do the best you can. That’s all you can do.

I’m sorry if I sound like a dissenter. Not sure what there is to end with HC other than whether you decide to see him casually. No big conversation necesssary. If I’m being honest, from what little I know, I don’t think HC sounds like a bad guy and he’s been rather straight forward. The real issue is that he’s offering the same thing he offered in the beginning and that isn’t what you want. And there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. However, you will feel awful and used if you seek what you want with people who want nothing of the sort. People are generally pretty honest in what they are looking for but it’s not always fun to hear-especially if you are attracted to them. If you want to keep in touch, your choice but unless you want just the occasional sexy times, HC is offering you nothing.

Enjoy dog sitting. That sounds awesome :-)

[Zues126]

Correct. When you said you hate to end it by text that was very clearly stating that this arrangement wasn't working for you. You made it pretty clear why if it wasn't already obvious. It would've been nice if he had said he was sorry this was painful for you and he understood why it was best that this not continue. But he was stubbornly not apologizing because "I told you up front..." Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't feel sad that someone you liked got hurt, and supportive of them doing what they need to in order to avoid that pain in the future. I don't hate the guy, but that's a little callous. It's like if you have a full grocery cart and an old lady with a gallon of milk asks if she can check out in front of you. Anyone that declines that request because "I was here first" is technically within their rights, but that doesn't mean I'd want to go on a canoe trip with them.

Then again, if this guy was capable of all of that then maybe he'd be ready to reply to texts too. Hard to expect a guy that doesn't care during the 'relationship (?)' to start caring when you break it off.

Good luck with band guy.

[Ginger1]

G,

Glad date 2 went well. Everything will evolve in time-gotta let it play out in due time. No rush.

The house sounds like it needs some work but it will be fun to have something to make your own. Yes, the flooding would be a concern, but do your due diligence and do the best you can. That’s all you can do.

I’m sorry if I sound like a dissenter. Not sure what there is to end with HC other than whether you decide to see him casually. No big conversation necesssary. If I’m being honest, from what little I know, I don’t think HC sounds like a bad guy and he’s been rather straight forward. The real issue is that he’s offering the same thing he offered in the beginning and that isn’t what you want. And there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. However, you will feel awful and used if you seek what you want with people who want nothing of the sort. People are generally pretty honest in what they are looking for but it’s not always fun to hear-especially if you are attracted to them. If you want to keep in touch, your choice but unless you want just the occasional sexy times, HC is offering you nothing.

Enjoy dog sitting. That sounds awesome :-)

he is definitely offering me nothing. And no, I cannot live nothing. it's not what I want. Yet, in a way, it's all I know.I think he could have offered up something more like "I can reach out and make more plans" or something that shows he could put an OUNCE of effort in. But he can't. I agree with J9, that he didn't have to leave that in my court. He knows I am feeling badly, just don't throw the ball back at me. He even admitted to keeping me at arms length purposely, which I can feel and I have mentioned here too. Someone consciously avoiding having any emotional connection with you really feels awful.

I am really excited to make the home mine. Luckily it's in good shape, but an old guy who reall, and I mean REALLY loves Jesus owns the house. It needs some special touches. Shopping for it will be so much fun.

D10 is already on my butt about getting a dog. The dog I am watching is my old dog. I miss him, so it will be good for me. He's 14, and the brother of my dad's dog.

I know I can't start predicting what this new guy might do with his exGF, but it's not a good enough reason to stop dating him. It was just nice enough to get a kiss hello and one goodbye. He "forgot" to text me goodnight last night and apologized and said it at midnight even though he said he knew I was sleeping. Told me when he was leaving this morning. He's sweet. I am looking forward to our date next week.

[kml]

Re: Bandguy - how exactly did this last relationship end "unresolved"? Does that mean she ghosted him, or he considers it unresolved because she couldn't bring herself to say definitively it was over? Why did they break up? I would want to know these things.

As for HC - I really feel like there is no bad guy here. He told you in the beginning that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and you presented yourself as if you were okay with that. You didn't speak up and say "oh sorry, I guess we're not a match then because I am really looking for a relationship." You just jumped into bed with him and hoped he would change his mind. Never a good strategy.

I can't really blame him because it's not like he was on a dating site misrepresenting himself as available. He DID like you, enough to break his rule and go out with you, but sadly he really IS NOT ready for a relationship. Maybe he's avoidant, maybe he's still hung up on his ex, whatever. There's no need to be mad at him just because he couldn't change into what you wanted from him. It's okay to just say "Hey, I really liked you, but I've realized I AM really looking for a full relationship and you just aren't capable of that at this time. I've started dating someone else who does seem more available and I think I'm going to go with that."

[DonH]

Wow, there really is a lot here - and a lot of it great!!!!

To start, you are very close to being a first time home owner (at least on your own). Let's not let that fall lower on the scale than it should as it's a huge deal. No more putting monthly money into a black hole (rent) with no return. In just a few months you'll start to gain equity. If you make improvements it won't be too long before the house could be sold for more than you paid for it. If only two or three years down the road, say should you be getting married or something, you can very likely sell it and make some form of profit. If you hang onto it until G graduates high school you'll nearly certainly make a nice profit. This really is a big deal and you should feel GREAT about yourself for getting it done!

As for band guy - great job on the second date. Yeah, this old GF could come back. Perhaps the fact that he's dating someone new, that could bring her running back. But ya know what, at our ages, there is always going to be SOMETHING. Life just does not have guarantees. If this were a separation preceding a D I'd have totally different advice but in this case, sure keep it in mind but I would not let it effect anything. Band Guy seems like a very decent guy. Of course you are just getting to know him - and appearances are not always what we think. That just means, keep your eyes open, take it slow and heed the signs he gives you. My largest concern is he seems to be quick to move into an R just like you. I fear the two of you together could be off to the races in no time. He's giving you what you want and need and that's great, it really is. I would just caution you to ask why? It may be who he is, it may be genuine and it may be without red flags. Just make sure he's not a needy, hurt guy following being dumped or something else. Still, I see zero reason not to continue and not to enjoy it and let it play out.

So I see both of these as pluses and great things. Then there is HC:

I guess I'm not sure what the "correct" behavior here is, what is right, what is wrong, but I do see a lot of things. To start with, this is what often happens when sex happens on the first or second date - it just is. Don't beat yourself up over it just learn from it.

From all you have told us, HC has been consistent from day one. He laid out what he was able to do and what he did not want to do. He has not changed in that at all - yet some now want to punish him for it. On the morning after the second date, he was putting you at arm's length by claiming he could not miss a single morning work out and ran out the door (metaphorically speaking) at 5:00 AM. That was arms length right there. He's been very slow to answer texts and now he admits that was on purpose. Right or wrong, I've done that myself - though mostly for days not a week. A text comes in from someone you know is way more into you than you are into them. It's just easier to ignore it for awhile. I'm not condoning it or defending it for him - or for me when I've done it. I'm just admitting I have. Too busy with work is just an excuse and he finally admitted he has kept you at arms length - likely for his comfort but I also think because he didn't want you to get the wrong idea. He spelled it out, and then reinforced it. Yet some want to give him a 2X4 for it anyhow.

Ginger you kinda set the rules here. HC admitted that he usually is not intimate until the 6th date. You offered much sooner - but then is he the bad guy for taking you up on that offer? You then later said you only slept with him because you knew it would not go anywhere and you might as well fulfill some of your needs since both of you were on the same page. Only now, he's in the wrong for accepting YOUR offer. Perhaps I'm a bit defensive on his behalf because I've been in this situation. I am as blunt as they come and as forthcoming and honest - obviously. Yet even after being forthcoming and honest, I too have had women get upset with me when I actually follow through with what I said I was going to do all along. And Ginger, please don't think I'm only taking you to task here - there are others here that feel the same way. And then it's his fault for slightly, with a single sentence I might add, keeping the door open??? It's almost like being upset with a dog for eating the food you left on the floor by his kennel.

I don't think either of you were really "wrong" in what you did. I think you can most certainly learn from it. I don't know if you thought that if you offered some early "dessert" as some have called it, that you'd get him to change his mind? I kinda of think maybe? Hoping that he'd find out what a great women you are and even though he said he didn't want anything serious you'd get him to change his mind with some early and awesome sex. That was a gamble or risk that did not pan out - and it usually does not.

I know my point has been made - again - so let me circle back to two "wins" and one "needs improvement." The home purchase is a total win (as long as the home inspection and flood insurance issues work out). Clearly Band Guy is a much better fit for you. It's a great win for a good start. He may still not be the one - but he is most certainly playing in your ballpark and is already meeting your expectations better than some of the others have. Just don't let Band Guy turn into Firefighter. He too started this exact same way. Don't repeat that history. As for HC, that was a bad choice - or not??? It just can't be both. Either it was not a good idea to sleep with him so soon and allow him to call all the shots or it was just a hookup FWB that you are fine with. But it can't be both - you can't be mad at him for pretty much being honest from the get go and you taking what he was giving. I think perhaps you're more mad at yourself - and that's okay, maybe even good. Just don't beat yourself up too bad. I'd just move on, put it behind you, learn from it, and never repeat it again. Make Band Guy and any others that come after him earn the dessert. Leave the hook ups for the 20 somethings - or see them for what they are.

One last little thing G - I have to give you HUGE HUGE credit for coming here and being honest. Many would rather just glass over the bad stuff. You put it all out there for everyone to respond to - both good and bad - and that takes huge guts! Just don't lose sight of the fact that you life is very clearly in an upswing phase. No one ever gets all good - we all have to make mistakes and take some bad. But in balance, you are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ginger1]

So, band guy's ex GF was someone he dated for a year and a half, introduced, kids, vacationed together, ect. He felt like everything was good. When they were dating her mother who she was very close to had died. She took it very bad. Something else happened, I forgot what, and she kind of shut down and simply said "I just can't do this right now" not much further explanation and that was it. So, he spun out over it, got pretty depressed over it and is coming back around. I had asked if he was wishing she would come back. He said "I don't even know I would want her right now". he is confused about it for sure. I think my paranoia kicks in from the trauma of everyone I am dating leaving me for someone else. But, yes, Don, he is much more on my playing level than HC is.

I will not rush into anything with him. No insta relationship. Just enjoying the company. He did tell me he was a people person and it does get lonely spending so much time alone, and I feel the same way. But we are having some dates and they are nice. He is not getting dessert anytime soon. But kissing is fun. he is super physical touch like me. But not for just sex. For affection.

HC: Thank you for the kudos Don on the honesty. I am honest. I can admit when I make a mistake. But I did not think sleeping with him would make him want an R. Not at all. I did this to myself by entertaining a guy who wants nothing. And the sleeping together created a FURTHER distance than there would be otherwise because he wanted to distance. I guess I thought no relationship would be strictly sex and with me putting out all the effort to see each other to have said sex. I feel a little upset with him just with his last comment. But sure, no harm, no foul. I am not painting him to be a bad guy. Tonight I will tell him We should go our separate ways because I have realized I am not OK with a just sex relationship. I will wish him the best and that will be that.

What more can I do?

But oh yeah, the house is such a great thing and will take up a lot of my time and thoughts and energy. And I really never thought I would be a single homeowner. I always thought my next house would come with a boyfriend.husband, haha. So big step doing it on my own, and I am proud.

[Dawn70]

HC: Thank you for the kudos Don on the honesty. I am honest. I can admit when I make a mistake. But I did not think sleeping with him would make him want an R. Not at all. I did this to myself by entertaining a guy who wants nothing. And the sleeping together created a FURTHER distance than there would be otherwise because he wanted to distance. I guess I thought no relationship would be strictly sex and with me putting out all the effort to see each other to have said sex. I feel a little upset with him just with his last comment. But sure, no harm, no foul. I am not painting him to be a bad guy. Tonight I will tell him We should go our separate ways because I have realized I am not OK with a just sex relationship. I will wish him the best and that will be that.

That is kind of what I was trying to say too, but didn't say it well at all. I don't necessarily think HC is a bad guy and what I meant when I said he's showing you who he is is that he was telling you from the get go that he wasn't capable of any relationship stuff and his actions were backing that up. Now the part that I did NOT like was that in his text to you, he put it all back on you. I agree with what GB said about there really wasn't anything there to "end" but for your closure, I think he should have stepped up and just said hey, this isn't working for me, so let's let it go right here (or something to that effect....whatever words actually worked for him). Regardless, the important part is that you are ok with yourself and how you handled things and someone said (Don, I think) don't beat yourself up. It was what it was and you can move forward now with all the GREAT things that are right in front of you.

[Coconut]

There's a history of Walk away's with him, to me it appears he is a "good guy"; you want the attention that can provide, the putting you on a pedestal, but if you want a mans man, then be careful. Just keep your eyes open, if he defers all decisions to you, don't continue unless you want to be the leader of the family.

[kml]

When they were dating her mother who she was very close to had died. She took it very bad. Something else happened, I forgot what, and she kind of shut down and simply said "I just can't do this right now" not much further explanation and that was it. So, he spun out over it, got pretty depressed over it and is coming back around

So - the only red flag here for me is, the part where he spun out over it and got pretty depressed.

I mean - I get it, you've invested time in a relationship and thought it was going somewhere and then it fizzles. Very disappointing. But if the way he handles adversity is to spin out and get depressed - that worries me a bit.

Also - she was grieving the loss of her mother and shut him out. An adult who truly loved that person might reasonably look at the situation and say "She's really hurting, I should just stand back and offer her support and make no demands on her until she feels better."

Now, maybe he did that, and maybe she's just the dating equivalent of a WAW who went into the MLC rabbit hole once her mom died. You'll just have to keep your ears open for more clues.

[Fogg]

Hey Ginger, have to agree with what Don said here. HC said from the beginning he wasn't ready for anything serious and you two still went out, from his perspective you both knew the terms and seemed ok with it. Now if you weren't ok with it I don't think its his responsibility to make that decision for you as others have said here. We all have to be responsibly for our own actions and feelings, not put them on others. Its your job to walk away from something if its not working for you, not his to make you walk away. The part about him throwing it back on you, I don't really see it as necessarily the wrong thing of him to do either. I can understand how you could feel frustrated but when someone tells us something and shows us the same message with their actions, its on us to accept that and not put unrealistic expectations on them. I know you tried to go into it just seeing where things went without the expectations. But actions show us they're there. Please don't take any of it as personal either, you know hes just in a different place in life. As far as what you plan to say to HC, sounds good. Honest communication and stating the situation isn't for you, nothing wrong with it.

The new guy, just be cautious and take things slow. I think you may end up being the one to slow him down? All the texting on the first day, two dates back to back and you know a bunch of his history already. The relationship he just got out of a few months ago, how long was the gap between that one and his ex-w? Something to consider, some people cant be along and need a relationship to define them. I certainly was that way when I was married. I never developed my own identity other than the one that meshed with my ex-w. To lose that was to lose me, I think that could add to what kml was saying with him spinning excessively after a breakup if he struggles to be single. Just by 2 cents though

Congrats on the house btw! Glad you could find something that works for you