KML - there's someone in my building who seems good who will babysit for a low $15 per hour so I'm hoping to start working with her to go to the divorce care groups.
Ginger, I should mention again that I've gone out plenty of times during the day and early evening, I just haven't done something like 6 PM - 12 AM on a Friday night or put my daughter to bed and gone out after that type of thing. My husband and I didn't have date nights after our daughter was born. She was born in his first year of residency as a physician and he was working 60 hours per week and studying for his monthly exams when he wasn't working. I was working too so that wasn't a time in our lives where we were really going out. We'd go out for lunch or for an afternoon sometimes but otherwise when we were both free we'd be doing errands and we were just drained. Then my husband got depressed, left for another woman, then he came back, then started all the excuses for not fixing the marriage - "just let me finish residency and we'll fix everything...just let me take the boards...just let me start my first month of work...let us have a break for a month where we just don't talk..." At that point he had no interest in date nights or going out.
Prior to having our daughter I envisioned us like most normal couples - enjoying our time with our daughter but still sleeping in the same bed like married people, going out on weekend nights, traveling like we'd planned, and settling into a real house instead of moving every six to twelve months. I thought my husband would help out and we'd be a team just like we'd been before having a child. None of that happened so all those hopes and dreams are gone.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1803:00 AM. Reason: Link
I think rather than focusing on how those hopes and dreams are gone is start envisioning new hopes and dreams. Make real manageable modifications.
We can all look back and see things we should have done differently and sometimes couples can adapt to stress and change together but sometimes they just can't.
Start with something simple - like how you hope your daughter finds joy and friendship in her new school/activities and how you want her to have a good relationship with both of her parents... whatever that relationship will be.
Try not to define what or how your H's husband should be with his daughter. Do everything you can to enhance and support whatever is there. You are not doing this for your H or for you... but your D.
I truly get where you are at. I was there too. My son's father has never even taken him for a simple haircut. I had to do it all. That's not to say he was never around - he was but on his terms with what seemed to be minuscule to me. My son loved his father but knew I was his go to parent. There were times over the years I got asked "why doesn't my dad come to the soccer game?" and then having to fend off disappointment when his dad didn't call or just couldn't be there. I just made sure to point out the things his dad would do and the times they got together though sometimes they were indeed very few. I never did things to point out... such as "well your dad wasn't there again." It wasn't my job to judge his dad or to place my own expectations on him. I had to let him come into his own.
Eventually he did a little more with my son but it was still no where near what I felt as a parent it should be but I never complained. I was just grateful when he starting taking my son to scouts that he stuck with it - it was their one activity.
Now several years ago his dad moved many states away and he only sees our son 3 times a year. He may call once or maybe twice in the 6 months between visits. Of course Nicole you and I would be calling twice weekly to daily but that's us. We are the parent our children will rely on most for nearly everything. But, I just drove 9hr to deliver my son to his father for the next 4 weeks and my son is happy, adjusted and glad to be seeing his dad and his half siblings despite having only 2 other contacts since his last visit with his dad at Christmas Break. I did my job.. :-).
Now you are not going to change your H. Then you need to ask yourself what can you change? You can change your expectations. You can modify your hopes and dreams.
I can see you are working on becoming that strong independent woman again.
Make a list of positive things that are going on right now... this moment... do not focus on how you and your daughter have been ill lately... just note even the smallest positive point in your day.
Now try working toward new hopes and dreams. Start small and be specific and make it attainable in the next 2 weeks. Try something like "I will have an a relaxing evening with a friend". Now this evening can involve getting babysitter and going out OR it can be inviting a friend over for a light meal and conversation after said toddler is in bed.
Hi KitKat, it's good to hear from you! How's your situation currently? Are you and your husband still doing well together? I hope everything is going great!
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I was responding to Ginger about the hopes and dreams being gone in response to my expectations before and after we had our daughter. Thankfully I made the move to another state, found work, re-engaged with old social networks and friends, and got my daughter started in a new school recently. Communication with my husband has improved so overall everything is better now than before. I'm pursuing career and financial goals but I'm putting relationship goals on hold and just letting everything stay open-ended for the time being.
That's amazing you drove your son nine hours to see his dad. It's hard to imagine how these fathers can miss out on their kids growing up and not bother to call. It's kind of unbelievable that your son is willing to go and see a father that doesn't make more effort towards him. I hope this current visit will strengthen their relationship and help them to stay in contact more often after the trip ends. It's good your son has you as the stable parent who is committed to him full-time.
My husband is very inconsistent so sometimes it makes me sound like a liar. After everything I've said here on this thread recently, today my husband called four times, twice while our daughter was at school. He said he's been too exhausted from his short visits when he gets back to his city to keep coming for two days at-a-time so he's arranging to come for a week in two weeks and he'll spend every day with our daughter. I told him that's great but I won't mention it to her until you know if it's actually happening. He said he'll let me know. Let's see if he comes.
I believe my husband does care about our daughter and wants to stay in touch with her when he's not busy with another woman. If there's another woman in the picture then he disappears like he did from December until February. There's nothing I can do about that. Previously I would tell him what a bad father he is and try to make him feel guilty but I stopped doing that completely. Now I see that he communicates better and calls more often when there's no pressure and when I don't ask questions.
I'm hoping whatever happens we'll continue to make progress with communicating well for our daughter's sake. Thanks again for checking-in. It'd be great to hear your updates!
Hi Nicole, how have you been holding up? Hope your and your D's health is getting better with the weather outside. Is she well adjusted to the new place? Make sure you do as much as you can during summer with her, make it a summer to remember. She is at such a great age, enjoy every bit of it. And be so busy and happy that neither of you will miss your confused and unfortunate WAH
Hi Arsh, thanks for checking in. There is not much to report currently. Our daughter is adjusted well, we just need to be healthy. We're better but still a little sick. Our weekends for the summer are all booked and we have a lot going on but sometimes I think it's too much so we may need to scale back. We lived in South Florida the past few years and now we're back up North, so whereas summer there was a time to stay indoors due to the heat, here it's a time to be outdoors more often. We're busy for sure but everywhere we go, and it literally feels like everywhere, I very rarely, if ever, see another single parent. Everyone I meet, everyone I see is married. Most often I see happy couples together laughing with their babies and toddlers. Other times I see moms with big diamond rings talking about how they need to get home to make dinner for daddy. My many happily married friends tell me I don't need a man and if their husbands ever leave or cheated they divorce them right away even if it means being homeless but I know they have no idea what they're saying, especially the ones who stay-at-home and haven't worked in 10 or 20 years. It's not that easy! So my biggest struggle currently is feeling like it's just me who is a single mom. Sure there are the 50 or so members here and I'm sure there are plenty of single parents spread out around the country and world but they're nowhere to be seen in my area here or where we lived before. I guess it's the demographic group with which I belong that has a zero divorce rate or something....but it definitely requires extra strength to go out every day among all the married couples and not miss my husband terribly.
KML, the single parents meetup group in our area is currently closed and there's a waiting list believe it or not. I didn't sign up for the waiting list yet because it just seems odd that there'd be a limit to the number of people in the group. I guess there are reasons for it. I'd start a new one except we're already booked the whole summer so I wouldn't be able to organize or attend any of my own events. I do hope to meet some single parents although the bigger issue for me is just the general perception that others are better off than I, as much as I'm sure that's not true. It's just my attitude I need to adjust.
All, after I posted that updated my husband called and said his car lease is ending and it's time for him to return his car this week and pick a new one. He asked what I thought about a more expensive car. What can I really say? No? I have no idea how much money he's even earning or has. I told him I always wish for him to be happy and I hope he can get the car he wants, but I'm not in a position for him to cut back his financial support for us at this time. He was nice about it, said "ok, I'm just so stressed about the whole situation. I don't know what to do." I didn't ask any further questions. He said he'll think about it more and that was it.
This limbo period is just bizarre because I have no idea how my husband defines "the whole situation." I don't know if he's talking about the divorce process, or about supporting us financially, or if he's considering us to still be a family. I don't want to ask questions because I don't want to pursue.
I don't know why my husband needs my blessing to pick the car that he wants. I just hope he doesn't make a bad financial decision but otherwise who cares what he gets?!
I'm not sure what's the point of this message except to say I have no idea whether I'm headed closer to divorce or reconciliation at this time. I guess I have to keep waiting to find out unless I file for divorce myself first.
Nicole, Limbo stinks. period. I'm there with you. The feelings you have are normal. One minute you see the road ahead as long but you see glimpses of success or something happens that makes you think they are thinking about the MR. And the next minute they are blowing up at you in full on D mode. There is no rhyme or reason. I'm very new here and do not even have a handle on my own situation, but just wanted to share that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is how this works. They have no idea what they want and no idea what they are thinking. And if they do, they sure aren't going to share it with you at this moment.
All just IMHO
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JustSad, thanks for your response! It's so nice to know someone else feels the same way. I will try to post on your thread soon if I haven't already. Everything's kind of a blur lately!
After I posted earlier my husband called and then sent a text saying we need to talk urgently. He was at the dealer of my favorite car company and said he's going to lease my dream car and then in a year, when my current car lease ends, he's going to give me my dream car and then he'll get his dream car. In other words, he can't afford his dream car at this time so he's getting mine and then next year when he has more money presumably he'll get the car that he wants. He kept calling me asking about colors and options. He was happy and excited. I expressed my happiness about having this car in the future because it's made in my favorite country and it's not a car I could ever get on my own. Then at the end he was telling me how much the monthly lease costs and said hopefully he'll continue to cover the cost even after he gets another car for himself next year but if he can't afford the full cost of my car he'll ask if I can cover $x amount of dollars per month and I said that's ok.
I have no idea what's going on. I'm sure no one else here could possibly know either. Maybe he's still planning to file for divorce and he figured he'll settle for car #2 for one year and the easiest way to get what he wants is to shift that car over to me later, so none of this is a sign that he cares about me or wants to reconcile. When I look at the overall shift in his behavior since April however this is just one of many changes. I guess I'll know more when he supposedly comes for a week at the end of next week. If that happens and goes well then maybe I'll have more to report. I don't have confidence that my husband wants to fix our marriage and is willing to work for it, but I do have confidence now that I know how to communicate in a way that invokes a positive response from my husband. This is a new skill that I didn't have before. Now I know being independent, not asking unnecessary questions, sounding upbeat and positive even when things are difficult (like when we were sick these past weeks), and being more concise and decisive when we talk works. I wish I would have learned how to communicate this way years ago but I hope I can continue to improve in the future.
I do have confidence now that I know how to communicate in a way that invokes a positive response from my husband. This is a new skill that I didn't have before. Now I know being independent, not asking unnecessary questions, sounding upbeat and positive even when things are difficult (like when we were sick these past weeks), and being more concise and decisive when we talk works. I wish I would have learned how to communicate this way years ago but I hope I can continue to improve in the future.
We all have something to learn even when things look bleak. Keep up the great work! Wishing you all the best with your family!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
