Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[SteveLW]

Get a lawyer. You have to start getting legal advice. You already made the mistake of moving out, don't do anything further until you know what you are entitled to under the law.

[hongaku]

I know you're right, Steve. I need to at least consult with one. I have no income right now whatsoever, so that could be a big hinderance. I've considered moving back in once I get a job, and if I can get a free consultation with an L, and they say that I can do that, then I really will think about doing it. As far as I currently know, there's nothing to prevent me from doing so, other than fear that it would be the death knell for any possibility of R.

When I left, it was only supposed to be temporary to give her some space and while I was out she said she was done and that's that and not to come back because D is going to happen and her decision is "irrevocable".

[LANE777]

ahh man hong..I feel for you man. My cousin went through a nasty divorce a few years ago. His W was a serial cheater.
He is a well known business owner in a small community and everybody knows everybody and their personal lives.
She was cheating on him with one of his employees and then another AF with a guy who lived down the road. So it happens to the best of people. I told him about my problems and my bad days. He said There will be High Peaks and Low times. The good times are something to look forward to. Right now your in a low. Just know it won't last forever. You will get back to having a high point. Yesterday and today I have been down in the dumps. So just try to think positive. You will find work, just keep trying. I have a great job and have lost all my interest and drive since my WW left. I hope I don't lose my job. My boss is fully aware of my sitch but eventually we have a job to do. I run a store with 4 employees and its hard to be a leader when you don't feel like it anymore. Im rambling and hope its taking things off your mind for a sec. But, keep the faith man. Your in a low today but you'll get a better day soon. Take action and be strong. The ladies like a man who is taking action and doing things. Sometimes I just do little things like make my bed and do the dishes just to feel like I accomplished something. It only takes a few things to make yourself feel good.
When my W left for time and space, I was so naive about what was about to happen. Now I am in the trial of my life and W is in a PA and wants a divorce yesterday. I have to put this happy face on like I'm doing fine.
So like everyone says "You're not alone " My W just came and picked up the kids...she knocked on the door..lol the door to her house she lived in for 16 years. Oh well...I made sure I looked good and wasn't all down in the dumps.
You will be fine. I promise . Keep your chin up today. I will check back on you later.

[hongaku]

Thanks, Lane. You're absolutely right about heeding my own advice, too. I think a lot of us here when we're giving advice and support to others are also in some ways trying to remind ourselves of what to do. It's easy to know and understand conceptually what the right course of action is, but quite another to truly implement it and stick to it with discipline. And actually detaching/letting go is the absolute hardest part; at least for me it is. I'm very glad we all have a forum like this to get support from and where it's safe to get some pain off your chest because we can all relate in one way or another.

I try to find things to do to keep myself busy, but there isn't a whole lot I can really do with no income. Most days, once I've applied to all the jobs I can find, exercised, meditated, helped clean my cousin's house and read a bit of self-help material, about the only thing I can find to do is learn to play and sing new songs on the guitar - which is both good and bad; good because I'm learning new stuff, but bad because I'm already drawn to melancholy songs and now literally everything I'm doing is a tear-jerker, love gone wrong, life s**ks type of thing. My cousin likes sad songs, too and when he gets home we usually play in the evening together. So my GAL game isn't very strong right now. There are actually several things I want to get involved in, but they will require that I have an income. For example, I want to take dance lessons because it's a total 180 from the sort of thing I'd ever have done in the past (and would shock the heck out of my W) and I want to get back into martial arts as it was something I used to be heavily involved in (and my W too when we were younger and before kids).

I know once I have a job I'll be able to keep myself busy in a whole different way.

[hongaku]

So, I've taken to writing down all the things I want to say to my W that I know I can't in letter form. Purely for my own release. I don't know if it will help or not, but I have all these things I wish I could say that I know mean f**k-all to my W right now and that there is no reasoning, no apologies, no expression of commitment or emotion that will move the needle in a positive direction for my sitch. But these things keep ringing in my mind anyway, in an utterly futile scream of grief and pain. Maybe getting it out, even if it's just on a computer screen will prove cathartic somehow.

Next Saturday my cousin and some of his friends are going to have an overnight dude's camping trip in the Shenandoah's. Canoeing, music jamming, camp fire, grilling and some beer drinking will ensue. I don't think I've done an all male outing like that in over 15 years. Very much looking forward to it.

I've had an interview each of the last 2 weeks and another coming up on Monday. All with reputable universities. As my ultimate goal is to get a graduate degree in something I want to spend the rest of my professional life doing (psychology/counseling at the moment is the lead contender), getting a job at a good university is the best pathway I can see to doing that.

I will be heading to the family home soon to pick the boys up for an overnight here at my cousin's place. Pizza, soda, games and movies on the agenda. They never would get soda before, but I've been relaxing that rule since they've been hanging with me, not to excess of course. My W hates it though... oh well. I don't know if I should attempt to initiate a visitation discussion about me getting more time with the kids. I want to, but I also want to try not initiating any convo at all.

[hongaku]

Vets, I'm going to confirm it when I have a consult with a lawyer next week, but I'm pretty certain that there is nothing legally stopping me from moving back in to the family home. My name is on the lease and 99.99% of my belongings are there. My desire is to do exactly that once I've gotten a job.

My questions obviously revolve around how I should navigate doing this. I know how to behave around my W once there and all of that, but the actual telling her my intentions and making it clear that this is for my mental health and general well-being and my needs to see my children. That it's not about her and that I'm doing what I need to do for me. That I understand she has fired me from my job as H and that it is no longer my concern what her wants/needs are and that she can do whatever she needs to do, but I'm moving back in. I'll stay out of her way if she wants to stay too, and if she wants to leave, that's her prerogative.

Any advice?

[hongaku]

^^^

[AnotherStander]

Vets, I'm going to confirm it when I have a consult with a lawyer next week, but I'm pretty certain that there is nothing legally stopping me from moving back in to the family home. My name is on the lease and 99.99% of my belongings are there. My desire is to do exactly that once I've gotten a job.

Looking at your sig it sounds like you've been away 4 months? Yeah definitely talk to an L first just to make sure there aren't legal issues.

but the actual telling her my intentions and making it clear that this is for my mental health and general well-being and my needs to see my children. That it's not about her and that I'm doing what I need to do for me. That I understand she has fired me from my job as H and that it is no longer my concern what her wants/needs are and that she can do whatever she needs to do, but I'm moving back in. I'll stay out of her way if she wants to stay too, and if she wants to leave, that's her prerogative.

Any advice?

Well I would refrain from any marriage-related comments. And just make sure your legal ducks are in a row because she will probably get really angry and might call the police or otherwise attempt to have you forcibly removed. I'm not saying not to do it, but prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[hongaku]

Thanks, AS. I'm still not sure I'm going to do this at all even if I'm fully okay to do it legally. But I miss seeing my boys regularly, I miss my dogs, I miss my male friends that live in the neighborhood. I miss a lot. I miss my W, too, but that doesn't figure into wanting to do this and I'm pretty sure it would destroy any chance to R.

I'm just really frustrated about my sitch. Probably just trying to create the illusion of action to some extent by even entertaining this plan. That and I was kind of inspired by lusa having moved back in to his place in spite of his W and thus far not having too much blowback from it. I think I'm fantasizing more than anything else right now and need to get a grip on myself.

[hongaku]

Well, I met with an attorney and she not only told me that yes, I can move back in with no legal ramifications, she actually advised that indeed I should do so.

I only left in the first place because I was trying to appease her and her expressed desire for "time and space" and the hope that it would help us towards R. It was also before I found this forum and DR. She has remained consistent that she isn't going to change her mind. So, I want to go back and be there for my kids as much as possible while I still can. I will continue to DB and be the best me I can be and the best dad I can be. Hopefully, she'll notice and think about things, but I can't be worrying about that.

I wanted to wait until I got a job to move back in, but now I'm not sure if I should wait or do it sooner than later.