Affair discovered 2

[STH17]

3) Cut off your W finances.

One thing on this item. Don't be afraid that your W will go ballistic when she hears about this. Well, she probably will. You simply tell her "I had to budget in the childcare expenses and had to leave something out. I decided it would be the money I give you. Sorry, I am putting you in that position." That's it. No accusations that she left you, that she abandoned her family etc. Just be calm, say what you have and cut off the conversation (it is easier over email as she suggested ).

I think asking her to work on a budget with me could actually be good, though there is potential for much conflict. Maybe even just ask her to give me a budget proposal, or I'll have to just close our joint accounts and it will be up to her to figure out how to pay all her bills. I don't want her missing payments and that affecting me. We started budgeting a year ago, at her initiation, but it turned out badly because she didn't really follow it, and I think she thought I was still controlling all the budget allocations and not giving her any spending money. We were living off student loans at the time, so I didn't want to allocate the loan money to anything other than absolute necessities. She wanted to use the loan money to continue the lifestyle she wanted. It was a big strain on our marriage, which might have been a way for us to grow closer if we had better skills and compassion for each other at the time.

Here are some options I have. I guess I need to do some pro/cons, but I'm just going to write the options now and then get on with the rest of my day. I need to mow the lawn.

1) close the joint accounts, put all the money into my new private account, give W nothing going forward

2) close joint accounts, give W a check for half, give her nothing going forward

3) close joint accounts, give W cash for half the balance of our net cash and credit card debt, and give her half of what's left each month after I pay all the bills

With all these, I would still keep my commitment to pay W's medical bills. If we are getting D'd then all of this stuff really is somewhat irrelevant, which I think is what W is thinking too, since everything is going to get split up during D. At least this might get her moving on the D work and cut my financial responsibility a bit sooner. That feels like a short term gain, but oh well.

I also don't know the current balance of W's credit card or private checking account, but i think it's not that much. Should I make that a condition of what I do with the joint accounts?

[STH17]

Forgot to note I sold that vehicle today for $300 cash. Then I found the receipt for the visa gift card and my first thought was that I should deduct that from what I gave W from the car sale. I don't think that's a good idea though. Would just be petty and controlling for me to change the agreement to split the sale money in half. That was the whole backdrop for why I said I wanted to separate accounts. There's even a slim chance the gift card was for a legitimate purpose. I feel better when I give W the benefit of the doubt like that, but usually I am just fooling myself and feel worse later after an accumulation of evidence that confirms my worst initial suspicions. I guess best is to let go of it and make choices for myself. Hard for me to do.

[mtb1981]

I feel better when I give W the benefit of the doubt like that, but usually I am just fooling myself and feel worse later after an accumulation of evidence that confirms my worst initial suspicions. I guess best is to let go of it and make choices for myself. Hard for me to do.

As hard as it may seem to do, you need to do it. I've been in the same situation many times before. We want to believe what we want to believe despite our gut feelings telling us something is off. Don't do it anymore. Trust your instincts. Giving her the benefit of the doubt is your NGS kicking in. The only people you need to worry about at this point are you and your S. As far as your 3 options listed above, #3 shouldn't even be on the table. Close that joint accounts and imo what you do with the money depends on how it got there in the first place. If you were the one making all of the deposits and she wasn't putting anything in, I'd take it all. If you were both contributing to it, I'd split it...

[EricC]

I do not know what financial commitments you have given her, but IMO you are trying to use the finances to pursue her more. Let me ask you again:

How long do you intend to keep paying her bills? Her food? Her medical bills? At what point does that stop?

IMO it stops now. Whether you give her 50% of the money or not... you need to stop making plans with her. This is pursuing. If you want to give her 50%, simply take the other 50% out and don't close the account. She can decide to do what she wants.

I also don't know the current balance of W's credit card or private checking account, but i think it's not that much. Should I make that a condition of what I do with the joint accounts?

She has stated she wants out. Please respect that. That means that the balance of her credit card is none of your business, unless you are a cosigner or it otherwise affects your credit. In that case you do what is needed to shut it down. If this is solely her account, simply forget about it.

Also, what and how you split at D is not something you want to dwell on yet. Talk to a L first, and definitely do not give her money now, because you expect she will get it later at D.

[SteveLW]

what both Eric and mtb said are dead on!

[AnotherStander]

STH, does your W work? On the one hand I agree with the others that you need to split your accounts ASAP, but on the other hand if she doesn't work then you may be legally responsible for supporting her on some level. If you are and she knows it, then taking this action may force her to pursue S and/ or D. Just something to consider.

[STH17]

No, she doesn't work. i feel like I need to literally shake the idea out of my head that I need to be supporting her financially anymore. Her not having a job is not my fault. When she had a job, she did share any of her income with me. I get emotional/angry thinking about that.

I'm having a hard time going about this without it just turning into a blame game, me telling W "This is what you wanted"

I fully expect it to push her to angrily D and reinforce her view of me as being controlling and abusive. That's why I would give her half now, so I'm not just dropping her in a shark tank. And I would probably want to cut everything off completely after one month.

[ovrrnbw]

STH17, I'm guessing you meant to say that when your W had a job, she DID NOT share any income with you, is that correct?

Prolly need to talk to a lawyer before cutting off her finances or giving her half of anything. She could take the half you "gave her" and then go spend more money. Protect yourself.

[EricC]

STH,

You may discuss the finances with a L. A L should be able to tell you what you can generally expect in case of a D. You can use this as a general guideline how to approach the situation. It does not mean that if the L tells you you may have to pay her alimony, you start paying her before the D. But at least you need to know what to expect.

For you, you need to figure out where your involvement in her life stops. It is for your own good. If you cut off her finances, that will not be the end of the world anyway. She has not been dumpster diving since you stopped cooking for her, right? Let her find her own job and deal with whatever she is dealing with.

The financial matters have nothing to do with the other issue: you do not want to blame her for anything. Just cut off the money, and do not tell her anything. If she comes to you about it, say you will be happy to reach to an agreement about the money and leave it at that. You do not owe her agreement on any subject which is not directly related to your kid. Let her figure things out.

Why do you expect it to push her to angrily D? Why are you controlling an abusive?

[STH17]

STH17, I'm guessing you meant to say that when your W had a job, she DID NOT share any income with you, is that correct?

Prolly need to talk to a lawyer before cutting off her finances or giving her half of anything. She could take the half you "gave her" and then go spend more money. Protect yourself.

oops, yeah definitely meant DID NOT share with me.

No matter what I do W can spend whatever she wants, I can't control that. Divorce or legal separation is the only real protection for myself against that which I am aware of. I'm waiting for an answer from L if court would even allow us to agree to split assets and debts different than 50/50, since we're in a community property state. Things could be different if we both move back to home state soon, which is an equitable distribution state.

I think the goal in separating accounts was to have more peace of mind myself, to be able to budget expenses without the wild card of W's spending.

EricC, my worry about her reaction is because she has an expectation that I will be controlling with finances. I have never truly restricted her access to our finances before (never took her cards away or locked her out of any accounts), but I routinely questioned her spending.

I looked up economic abuse on wikipedia, and most of what I read talks about it being a form of control to keep the victim dependent on the abuser. That's certainly not my goal here. I want W to take responsibility for herself and end the dependency. But I could see W only viewing it as me being selfish and not caring about her.