Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Ste7e]

Part 1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...269#Post2783269

Part 2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2792084&#Post2792084

[Ste7e]

V my ACES score was 3

I have also been thinking about my goals and it has been a very difficult process as I don't know what they are I am really scattered. I will keep working on it and see what I come up with.

[LH19]

ok so I called W again to tell her I was going out of town for a couple days to clear my head.
Very different conversation today
I said that I would be willing to sign whatever she needed.
But that what I wanted was to honor what we had and be able to spend actual time together and do fun things which like we used to do and not talk about the D stuff or my job stuff when we do it.
She said that is what she wants to do to but needs the D so that we can do that.

WTF this is all wrong dude. Why would you call her again to tell her your going out of town. None of her fuching business.

You want to be able to spend time with her and do fun things??? She just told you she wants a d. Do you know how pathetic that makes you look?

Yeah she said she wants to but needs a D first. Once your D'd she will probably get a restraining order because right now you are probably acting like a creepy stalker. That is why she feels trapped in the marriage.

If you are not in IC you need to get in right away.

I know this is harsh but you are really starting to go off the deep end and make things a lot worse.

[Ste7e]

LH I think in this case you are wrong.
Called her again because she need so come watch the pets when i am out of town.
I actually am starting to think this whole DB thing is not entirely for me. As I pulled away went dark pretended to not care she just went further into wanting a D more and more and actually started to work on getting one.
No she will not get a restraining order I am not a creep.
She has been the one who has stressed to me and others that she really wants to be friends.
Maybe I look pathetic but I am responding to what she wants and after all the other cheese less paths this was the only one which actually got a favorable response.
I seriously think that this is all about the construct of M in her mind which is making her feel trapped.
What is my other option play hardball and be rigid my way or the highway that is who I was how is that a 180?
I also don't see sitting idle and just let my M slip away as an option either.
If both roads lead to D why not go the path where at least I tried?
At this point D is inevitable, but that doesn't mean a R isn't possible. I don't know I have done a bad job of portraying her here.
Also she has an ex who never talked to her again and completely shut her out so she is not fazed by that and if anything that irritates her in a negative way where she just shuts down. The more contact we have the more she seems to soften and start to see the real me vs the negative construct in her head.
I could also be completely wrong and she has been having an A this whole time and I am a fool.

What I do see work is to spend time together and not to engage in R talk that one seems to make her put up blockers. She doesn't seem to trust me for some reason and that is something I need to rebuild. I would love other stake on this too.

[LH19]

S,

Hey man if you are good with just being friends then all the power to you.

Pursuit, begging, pleading never works. It just reaffirms they are making the right decision.

Good luck to you.

[Ste7e]

Argh you are right I didnt get much sleep last night Im all over the place today
Going to reread DR today and get back with a better plan

[LH19]

My go to line is this $hit ain't easy.

Please consider IC and try to learn to better control your emotions.

You will survive this and be happy again. It just takes a lot of hard work and time.

We as humans suffer when we can't accept reality.

The best thing you can do right now is accept that your M is over and start planning a life that is awesome and doesn't involve your W.

Stay strong my friend.

[Ste7e]

OK feeling a little more level headed today.
I headed out of town yesterday and only got half way to my destination before I just had a total emotional breakdown. I pulled over and cried it out for about an hour.
I then decided to head back home as heading out of town was just me fleeing my own reality and the need to face it. Ended having some good phone conversations with friends and going to a meeting, was in bed asleep by 10 reread alot of DR and actually highlighted a bunch of points for myself and got a good nights sleep.

Funny what a difference a day makes.

OK so with some reflection on what happened on Thursday.
So in retrospect I think I had done a phenomenal job on the in person stuff. If I can keep that up in the future it will be good for me. Really wish I had the knowledge or fortitude to have ridden that out. I am still feeling really stupid about the phone call later it was a complete and total misstep on my part and the approach of confronting W about emotions and R is not successful. I pretty much broke everyone of Sandi's rules and I will stop that immediately. I know everything says not to do it, really wish I would have taken note and followed that advice. The phone call yesterday was just really damage control on the phone call the night before. I do not regret that phone call as I did gain some actual insight as to what W is feeling. I mean I wish I hadn't made either phone call but the second was necessitated by the first.

What I did also learn from these experiences is that I am seriously triggered by D talk it disrupts my ability to Detach. What happens is that it blindsides me everytime and triggers my anxiety problems. According to my IC I am no longer actively depressed but my anxiety is still running in the background. When this anxiety is triggered I scramble to not have a panic attack essentially and am unable to handle conflict. This was actually a thing running through the OR where at first I would shut down in conflict and immediately say I just say I wanted to break up which would stop the conflict everytime. Later as the anxiety got worse I would become very manic and controlling in conflict. Apparently all this behavior was a defense mechanism to keep me from having a rising panic attack. This is all stuff I am just beginning to work on in Counseling.

I am thinking at some point emailing W and ask her if she wants to talk about D logistics to either not do it in person or to let me know ahead of time what we are dealing with so that I can be prepared emotionally to be detached in the process. In addition, per the phone call yesterday I will ask if W wants to hang out or catch up we do that at a different time of dealing with D logistics. My detachment and ability to listen, validate and not discuss R is ok so long as we don't end up talking D with me unprepared. If W brings up D stuff unexpectedly I will simply respond with that we should do that another time so that I can respond in a meaningful way. What do you think of this plan?

Where I am at today is in the beginning stages of acceptance to the reality of the situation. I obviously want Rec. and mor ethan just friendship but I know that it is beyond my control and that anything I do try and manipulate that is not healthy for anyone. That said I found that over the previous 16 days of NC I did eventually start to really feel better and was getting to be really productive for myself. So I know that going dark is a good strategy for ME.

LH I really appreciate your advice and responses I re read my entire thread before posting today and with a little clarity I can hear the advice I was deaf to yesterday. The job front thing has been really difficult for me as I have alot of negative associations with it and is a core issue in my life. I am seriously considering take my friend up on his job offer out of town as it is in a field I want to get into. I am able to leave the house for a couple months no problem but W has left the cats here and I can not take them. She is wanting to take one of the cats anyway but says she is not able to take both though she would like to. I have no idea what to do about the other cat if I go? Should I just tell W to take care of it at my house while I am gone?

[Ste7e]

Also after rereading abunch of DR I realized that I was confusing doing 180's with GAL. So most of my 180's were actually GAL oriented. Some of the big 180's I actually need to do are
1.) Be emotionally sober and don't allow my anxiety to derail me

2.) Get a job in the field I want to be in so as to find some fulfillment in my life beyond my W

3.) Stop trying to manipulate my W to be in the R live and let live

4.) Curb my jealousy and untrusting behaviors to everyone

5.) Act as if I am moving on with my life and eventually that will become a reality

[Ste7e]

And most importantly
6.) under no circumstances unless told by W first never never never say ILY