I am a believer that marriage it's forever. That's why I came here that's why I found this place. I looked for a place to save my marriage. She didn't want any part of it. I. Haven't seen her or had any communication with her in over 6 years. Just let go. Give her what she wants... her freedom.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
She knows that I have been 100% dedicated to her, loved her, and cared for her since the beginning. I want to be a good husband to her...I don't hold on to her mistakes (well, until this happened), she knows that if she came back she would still have my love and respect...although my trust would have to be earned back. I'm not a pushover.
I have always gone out of my way to make sure that she could have her own life, her own friends, and her own free time.
I also believed that marriage was for life, and I meant it when I said my vows to her. And she would still have all of that.
Except she would be getting back a person who is more aware of my role in what went wrong, and who would take steps to avoid getting to that point again. I would be more engaged with the family altogether...both her and our S. I know what he's up against with his ADHD diagnosis, so I would be a dedicated leader in helping him grow to have the best life he could. And the same for her.
If she came back, I would work to correct our issues to the best of my ability. And yes...I would do what I could to put this all in the past. And if she comes back, and she actually does earn my trust back...then she will have my trust again completely. Even if it bugs me from time to time, because I know that it'll always be somewhere in my head, but I wouldn't use it as a weapon to try to control her...it would just be a speed bump at that point.
Right now, that speed bump is a brick wall.
I'm a very forgiving person. And I know that right now, I don't have to be. But I can be, and I'm willing to forgive and move on.
I don't think a lot of people would be.
I'm not spineless. I have been. But that's over. The guy she met that night at karaoke...well, I'm still here. And I'm still waiting, hoping that she'll change her heart.
But I'm not her doormat, and all I expect is honesty and effort to prove that she's worth my time...because to me, she absolutely deserves to be treated with love. And she had that, and she can absolutely have it again if she wants it.
Our son deserves a strong family. I'm all in for that. I'm all in for helping him with or without her. But I would love her company on the journey.
She is the only person that I've ever been in any kind of R with that made me feel free to be myself. And I miss that feeling.
I'm older, tired often, my emotions run very strongly...but I'm also caring, forgiving, loyal, and willing to work to make her feel comfortable enough to be happy with me.
It's totally up to her. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Some of those are pretty epic. But we all need to feel loved and respected. And that's what she'll get from me.
If you going to give all that to your W, what are you going to give yourself?
We give these grand gesters to get our S back, me included, and we forget to care for ourselves. When in reality, if we water ourselves, nurtured ourselves, we bloom into an awesome flower with the sweetest honey and attract the most beautiful bees. Your W might be one of those bees, but until you water and nurture yourself you will only push away people. Become attractive! Smile and laugh and enjoy life. That's what YOU deserve.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
To me hope is so important. And I think you're in a healthy spot in that regard.
Where many other posters go awry in their DBing efforts is tying DBing to a lack of hope. In other words if I have hope I'm going to pursue, pressure and chase. Then they get discouraged because all that does is push their WAS further away.
Then there's the other extreme of a lack of hope so I'm going to initiate divorce myself.
The trick to DBing is to stay even through the hope and hopelessness. You will cycle between the two but not letting it dictate your actions is the key.
Those that DB well stay consistent through out. The remain patient even over years if they have to. We have a poster here whose XW is showing signs of wanting to R even after they've been divorced for 4 years.
So those that keep their emotions under control are the ones that have a chance. Those that let their emotions control them are the ones that spiral into a divorce that is final.
Our society has a clear lack of control of self these days. You don't have to look very far to see examples of a lack of self control. We aren't animals. We don't act on pure instinct. We can control ourselves as free moral agents.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you going to give all that to your W, what are you going to give yourself?
I'm going to stick to my goals, take care of myself, and not let myself get back into the dark place I was in before with my moods.
Quote:
The trick to DBing is to stay even through the hope and hopelessness. You will cycle between the two but not letting it dictate your actions is the key.
I think that's where I've been, alternating between hope/no hope. I'm still working on finding balance there and staying centered so I can stay on track with this.
I was on my way to my S psychology appt this morning. I had made it about 35 miles and I got a text from my W saying that she had a meeting at 1 today, so she canceled the appt.
I called the dr, she rescheduled it. I told her I would see them Wednesday then (at the rescheduled appt).
She called them back and canceled it and didn't reschedule.
She said "You have the right, as his father, to take him by yourself and set up your own appointment for him. Let me know if you set up an appointment so I can have him ready whenever it is."
I knew she would pull something like this. She also doesn't seem to care that his psychologist requested that BOTH of us be there for his appointments.
I'm curious to see what she tries to do next. She didn't say what the meeting was for, but I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to do something like get a protective order just to keep me out of the appointments. She's definitely threatened to do that.
I'm really confused as to why she thinks this is a good idea...she's literally putting her own wants before her S needs. And it's pretty infuriating.
Honestly...I think she's angry that she isn't getting her way with me anymore. What she doesn't seem to understand is that when she walked out and filed D, she lost all rights to tell me what to do. And if the doctor requests that I am at his appointments, then I'm going to do everything in my power to be at them, whether she likes it or not.
I feel like I'm dealing with a child throwing a tantrum.
Yes, that is exactly it, dealing with a child throwing a tantrum.
I'd schedule the appointment and take him yourself. Make sure to document all of this so that if it comes up in divorce court you are covered. Your W is trying to control you and the situation. Take the bull by the horns and get him in to see the psychologist. If she doesn't come, against the doctor's orders, the so be it. That will look really bad for her.
My only advice for how you could have handled differently is to just have showed up at the Wednesday appointment without saying anything. By saying "see you wednesday" you kind of rubbed her face into your checking up. But that is a small stumble because she might have caught on before that anyway.
Make an appointment, arrange to get your S to it. He is #1 priority at this point. Your W is playing games with your S's mental well-being.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
