Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

OK I am starting a new thread as my old one is almost full and I want to keep a different focus here.

The quick and dirty is I was extremely depressed from my own MLC and dealing with the death of several family members. I got Fat and after a good 7 years together W and I started arguing last Nov. She BD me late Jan and I acted like a cry baby and opened my eyes to my faults. She moved out end of Feb saying we would do counseling and after a month of no contact one of the pets got sick and died and she came over to help. While here She said she didn't want to do counseling and wanted a D. I didn't see her for another month but there was pursuing behavior and ILY during that time from me. She initiated a meeting we had a very nice night but it ended in her wanting to fast track the D. I stated my stance ILY and not wanting a D and validated otherwise even saying I was proud of her for doing the work on herself which was the only thing I got a positive response from. She claims no EA/PA and is just focused on her spiritual development...and wants to remain friends but can't have a romantic relationship with me. But is encouraging me to continue to work on myself. I started seeing a shrink,I am no longer suffering from depression and generalized anxiety, started an emotional 12 step program, go to yoga 5 times a week, cut out sugar and fried foods, I have lost 35lbs since she left and have begun looking for work after 3 years! But it doesn't appear that she has taken any notice of these things oh well I feel great so no worries!

That pretty much gets us caught up and where I want to go from here is to track my experience going completely dark with a daily journal to keep myself occupied when I feel overwhelmed. Feel free to come along for the ride or not. I realized that I need to stop pursuing and more so stop expecting and focus on me.

Day #1 of darkness began yesterday, W came by Sun to sort the rest of her possessions from mine and her parents are coming by to get them this coming weekend. I have chosen to leave town for the weekend and go hang out with friends. I am quite proud of myself for the exchange on Sun I left soon after she arrived and avoided all confrontation in an emotionally charged situation. I was not going to take the bait...even if the bait was coming from inside me. I felt yesterday was a good place to start my voyage into darkness as I had said everything I needed to say the previous week and am ready to DB fulltime and open the birdcage.
Well day 1 was horrible I didn't get much sleep the night before on the phone with a buddy til 3am. I thought I was going to skip yoga but ended up going afterall which was good for me. I had a job interview midday which was not the right fit and was in my old career field which having burned out on started my MLC 3 years ago. I came home and looked for more jobs but found I didn't have experience and felt trapped, same cycle as start of MLC. I had a full breakdown in the kitchen and ended up in a ball crying for an hour. I felt like I had nowhere and no one to turn to so I just cried it out. I ended up calling my dad and talking to him about work options to bring me happyness. He is a great resource as he is the king of detachment and has been through 3 marriages. He was very helpful and encouraged me to look for things at an entry level and just begin a new path in life. Went to a meeting and was asleep by 10.
Proud of myself for not reaching out to W even though I was hurting like nothing ever before. Proud of myself for instead of sinking into a pity party got back to the work of rebuilding my life for me.

Today was day 2 went to Yoga, had a work call with a buddy who is working on a writing project with me ate lunch mowed the yard, got on here going to make dinner take a bath watch some tv and call it a day. Today has been much better didn't really think about W much. I am anxious to get out of town though as I do better not thinking about her when I am engaged and away... and only have 36 more hours til I'm on the road...I can do that, I can do one day at a time just need to stay in this day.

[Ste7e]

Day #3 So far today has been odd. I woke up this morning and for the first time wasn't instantly hit by the severity of the situation. IN fact it took me awhile to even picture my WAW in my mind. Went to see my shrink didn't mention W once just talked about job stuff and anxiety. Went to another job interview which was better than Mon. not feeling so overwhelmed, but job is in a different field so that might be why. I have a dinner party with friends to go tonight which will be nice. I guess there is a sliver in acceptance today so far?

[Davide]

Hey Ste7e!

Riding out these ups and downs is rough. Stay strong. There will be good days and bad days. Just survive the bad days and try to improve yourself on the good ones. I am reacting just like you - you dropped a bunch of weight - I've dropped 25 lbs in a month. We are both doing yoga, seeing a therapist. I have an appointment with a doc tomorrow and am thinking about getting on an SSRI anti-depressant/anxiety drug to even out the wild swings.

The other thing I will say reading through your post that I have found to be true is that sleep is super important. I constantly struggle the day after a bad night's sleep. I have resorted to taking NyQuill (just 2 capsules, never more) to help knock me out when I am having trouble. Exercising incessantly helps a good bit, but sometimes that dosesnt help shut down the mind.

Hang in there! (also I couldnt read your response on my post and would LOVE to hear your thoughts).

[Ste7e]

Davide thanks for the encouragement.
Yeah Sleep is a huge deal when dealing with my anxiety.
I haven't mentioned it yet but I have totally fixed my sleeping schedule I used to stay up all night and sleep til noon and now I go to bed around 10pm and wake up at 6:30am which is a huge 180 for myself.
I am sober so the nyquil thing is not really a healthy option for me. I have been thinking about medication for depression/anxiety also but have not felt that I fully need it yet as upping my health regiment has been doing wonders so far for me, but it is not off the table if I start to slip. It is sort of a vicious cycle I get anxious about becoming depressed again...but anxiety is a cause for depression.
In your thread I mentioned wishing I had moved out instead...the big reason for that is that when this all began it was all about me and my WAW had a laundry list of complaints. I have since begun addressing all those complaints but along her journey it stopped being about her resentment about me and her "spiritual growth" and need to kill her ego etc. these are all good things for her and things which I believe could be done in the relationship... but because she moved out and severed her connection to her old life those changes and growth are viewed in context of being free.

[Ste7e]

Day #3 continued.
Ugh it hit me hard tonight. Went to dinner party and a bunch of our Couple friends were there. One of them my W has pissed off a couple weeks ago. They were all happy to see me and we all had a good time but it felt like my W had died or something her absence was really strong even though none of us talked about it. I came home and tonight is normally the night W comes over to see the pets. It was clear that she never came. Quite a roller coaster of emotions today

[LoneWlf]

Hey Steve,

I'm feeling the same at times I fell things are good like while I'm coaching my son's baseball team and then I look around and see all the families-then it hits me that there's a big hole in my life without W. I know you've heard this stay strong - stay on course..take care

[Ste7e]

Day #4 Well yesterday was hard. Whatever detachment and acceptance I had tapped into on day 3 evaporated up waking. I spent hours driving and just thinking on the situation. I am so confused on what all has happened. It really feels like the BD was an overnight change of heart. I ended up running into one of W best friends last night who wanted to talk to me about what was going on. I just focused on talking about all the changes I was making and how I was doing good. I did not go into any details except to say that W has asked for a D. The friend then told me that when she saw W a few weeks ago that W was very cagey about explaining anything and had said that this was just a break as she figures stuff out and that W really wanted to ensure that we remained friends. What is strange about this is that this after W had initially stated to me that she did not want to work on the OR and wanted a D? I'm really trying not to get my hopes up in anyway but found it all strange. The friend also told me that a mutual married couple we all know who were planning on D and had seprerated at the same time as me had just reunited! Not sure if this will have any influence on my WAW?
On a positive note for finding myself I have been really enthusiastic about the career direction I am heading in and am signing up for some summer school to get some new skills...I am seeing the merit in GAL.

[Davide]

Ste7e,

The days go up and down, that's for sure. Just get through the tough days and trust that the next one will be easier.

It sounds like you need to focus more on yourself and not get caught up with what the W is saying to other people. You cant control her anyway. Try not to get too high or too low with anything she says or does. The focus is on getting yourself stronger and better. Sounds good about the new career direction and summer school. Having goals and motivations like that are important.

(I still struggle with all this as well, so my words are as much for me as you!)

[Ste7e]

They are good to hear...it helps to have a voice outside my own head to refer to thanks Davide. Yeah detachment detachment detachment I feel like a shark who has to keep moving or it will die...when I am not busy she creeps into my head and I am stuck again.

[Ste7e]

Day #5
Not a great day filled with alot of anxiety. A buddy I was supposed to see was busy so I had alot of idle time and being out of town I had a hard time filling it. A lot of lonleyness as I ran about doing pointless errands. It did make me appreciate my normal routine back home which is worth something. I really had to just dig in deep on myself and kept thinking about how I have to learn to be happy and enjoy my own company. I know I used to be able to do that just trying to remember how? I had a few brief moments especially when I would catch myself thinking about the future and ground myself into the present moment I realized I was ok. Serious baby steps of the most smallest order but progress to getting back to myself.
I am really surprised that WAW has yet to text or anything even just in a logistical way related to her moving the rest of her stuff this weekend or the pets? I know she said that she unfollowed me on social media because she can't handle being reminded of me so maybe she is dong everything in her power to just wipe my existance because I do have some influence. Also she did see me for the first time with a new haircut and 35 lbs lighter last week I wonder if that is having an effect which she is trying to squash. I would really like to know what exactly it takes for a WAW to have a change of heart? I know I shouldn't care but I do I am just at the beginning of my journey.