Summary...from 5 months ago... My W wanted a D due to PA with OM. That fell apart and I did tons of 180s, and my W decided not to D. She declared she will stay as a partner in raising kids only.
Things seemed to be improving until the recent event of my W accidentally sending me a text meant for my BIL. W freaked out and told my BIL what happened. I thought my W had ended her EA with my BIL. I figured it was time to tell my sister about the EA. After W found out, she told me she was filing for D. My W did not file, and has been very angry since...likely she feels trapped. In recent argument, W declared she will not leave me because she does not want to split time with the kids.
...fast forward to 2 weeks ago: my W filed for divorce and set up a temporary orders hearing to kick me out of the house.
I got a lawyer, got the hearing dropped, and we have a mediation date set for May 22.
I am told W will get custody and house. She has agreed verbally to extended visitation with our 3 kids (11,9,7)...would give me 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends, Friday after school until Monday school and Wednesday overnight from and to school.
I still dont want this to happen for us or our kids. We had my youngest sons First Communion this weekend. Priest talked about love and family...my wife was crying. The akward dinner after...everyone was super nice to me as if I had a week to live. It was aweful.
Immediate problem is housing...wife would get house and custody unless I could prove she is a bad mom...not sure if that is a good move. I own the house next door as a rental...finances dictate I move in there to save tons of money, ie $100k cheaper house tgan anything on the market. That would put me next door...and ourvparents live on the same street as each other in another city...talk about awkward visits all around.
So questions I have are: what should I be doing in dealing with wife if any glimmer of hope at turning this around, and what in the world do I do about housing?
Last edited by Cadet; 05/07/1802:14 AM. Reason: Link
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
My lawyer summed it up as: to get primary custody, she has to show she's a good mom. For me to get primary custody, I have to show I'm a good Dad and she's a bad mom.
We would have joint managing conservatorship...meaning we make joint decisions. She would have primary conservator responsibility on whete they live, though.
My gut feeling is thst my W wants to stay put for a couple more yesrs, then move the kids to another city to be near her sisters and work at the University.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
My wife is full on hot mess now...doing phd program, getting 5 hours or less sleep every night, house is a wreck, falling asleep anytime she sits down, etc. Last night, I was awakened st 3:30 am by her putting laundry away...
I really do not think she is the stable person the kids need.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Sorry you're going through this Tate, my ex and I agreed to most everything in S and D and I thank my lucky stars we had a pretty amicable split. I really feel for anyone going through this AND dealing with a spouse that's trying to take everything including the kids.
Originally Posted By: Tate
Immediate problem is housing...wife would get house and custody unless I could prove she is a bad mom...not sure if that is a good move. I own the house next door as a rental...finances dictate I move in there to save tons of money, ie $100k cheaper house tgan anything on the market. That would put me next door...and ourvparents live on the same street as each other in another city...talk about awkward visits all around.
So questions I have are: what should I be doing in dealing with wife if any glimmer of hope at turning this around, and what in the world do I do about housing?
As far as housing, if you can tolerate living next door to your ex then that sounds like the way to go for the time being. That would make things as easy as this can possibly be on the kids. I have a feeling they'll be popping in to your place all the time, so if you get screwed on the custody arrangement then that is a sure way to see them more often than the finding dictates. It would also make things very easy for them on going to and coming home from school since the houses are on the same bus route. You can always move later if it just proves to be too difficult being next to her.
Regarding dealing with your W, well continue to listen and validate when you get the opportunity, but DO fight for your rights in the D. Validating does not mean rolling over and giving her everything she wants. Fight for as much custody as you can get. Fight for your finances. Neither party is "made whole" in divorce, it's all about compromise. Beyond listening and validating just leave her alone and give her time and space. No pursuit, no contact unless it's kid-related.
My lawyer summed it up as: to get primary custody, she has to show she's a good mom. For me to get primary custody, I have to show I'm a good Dad and she's a bad mom.
What is your jurisdiction?
Courts these days WANT to grant 50/50, it's no longer the case in most places that you have to prove the other parent unfit. Neither of you needs to be "primary" (one WILL be for the purposes of legal definition, but joint physical and legal custody is the norm).
Do NOT let this three weekends a month crap become the norm, courts LOVE status quo.
Tonight we went out to dinner as a family for my Wifes birthday...oldest son's request. We get along great and had a great time...seems so strange and surreal that she wants a divorce.
Of course, I called her from work to set plans. She picked up right away and couldnt hear me. She asked if mu BIL could hear her...I must have called while she was talking to my BIL. I let my sister know, and she got a bit mad and asked me to stop poking at her marriage...I told her that its a slippery slope she is on.
My W has never been away from our kids more than a day. So, I figured I would take a trip out of town the weekend before our mediation for my birthday...it would also serve to give her a glimpse of what it will be like after our divorce.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
IMO your W is too comfortable. I remember the end of last year and the beginning of this year you were getting great advice on how to handle your Sitch.
You taking one trip want shake your W out of her WWness. Because she stills know you want the M. You have to be done with her.
I Would of beat the snout out of my BIL. I'm sorry that's just me. But you are to tolerable of the entire Sitch. He's calling your W at work and then you call your sister. Put your foot down. Stop just going along with the entire Sitch.
IMO, your W probably sees you as weak, because you know what's going on and you haven't done much to try and change it.
Your W and BIL are being horrible people. I think it's past time they are called out. Stop trying to appeal to your sister, she is doing the exact same thing you are doing.
Grab your balls, stop worrying about your W reactions and start to move forward with your life.
So please don't take a trip to try and get a reaction out of your W it won't work. But when you start to love yourself and RESPECT yourself and take trips and GAL for yourself, it will make a difference.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Unfortunately, I highly doubt Tate will take your advice... During Thanksgiving 2017 he was given a lot of good advice from other DBers, and he took none of it... he was not willing to let her go... Denial must be a dynamic that runs in his family... He sister seems to be the same as Tate...
Tate, you deserve so much better... I am sorry you don't realize it...
