Hi DB members. I am now separated 7 months married 3 yrs and together 5 yrs. When I met my wife 3/13 she was married for the 2nd time. Had a 6 yr old son from the 1st marriage. And a 8 month old girl from the 2nd marriage. We met in class at the community college. I was 36, she was 29. I had been engaged twice but never married and had a 6 yr old girl that lived with her mother and I saw every other weekend. We started messaging each other through FB and phone. She informed me that her and her husband were done and both were living on opposite sides of the house. He was mentally and physically abusive as well as her 1st marriage. I felt so bad for her situation as she informed me that the only reason she still lives in the same house was for financial reasons. After talking for 3 months we had a date and was was physical within a couple hours. within a couple weeks she signed a 1 year lease for an apartment. After a year she was divorced, I proposed and we were engaged and she moved into my house. after she moved in the following year she was physically abusive towards me. She was constantly accusing me of cheating (Which I did NOT). we would get into huge arguments and she would pack her belongings in her car and take the children. Now, mind you I was completely innocent of the accusations. she had slapped, scratched and punched me. all while verbally degrading me. I know what you are thinking, We should have ended it there. When we had great times they were GREAT but the bad times were BAD. The sex was amazing which made us overlook the bad.
After a year of seeing her pack the children up and leave. whether a day, a couple days or a week. The verbal abuse and physical abuse. I started to lash out physically by pushing her away from me. Also verbally I was abusive. within 4 1/2 years she had taken 3 restraining orders out on me. The first two I was back home within 24 hrs and she dropped the RO when we went to court. The 1st one she dropped we went to the magistrate and got married. The second one we decided to try to conceive, so she quit her BC. Now to this one, She did not drop it. I was stupid for not hiring a lawyer. But given our history I thought she would drop it. The judge granted it for a year. 5 months into the restraining order I bought some Valentines gifts and left them on her apartment door. The next day I was arrested for violating a court order. 2 days before we had court I decided to go back to her apartment to give her back the jewelry she had left at my house. She had texted my family asking for it. They told me to sell it or throw it away. My friends and family will not mediate between us because how she has treated me. Well she violated me again..... Within the 7 months of separation I have spoke to her on the phone a couple of times. She still was still accusing me of cheating on her. Telling me my mother and sister have not supported our marriage and even talked to the girl she accused me of cheating on her with. Through the years she has moved out 3 times for a month at a time. signing a year lease at 3 different apartments. Breaking the lease and moving back in. each time the children were enrolled into that school district. The third time she moved into her second husbands house until she could move into her apartment. On our honeymoon we went on a cruise and got into an argument, for which she said she should have brought her ex husband, husband #2. For which I lost it. It was a physical altercation. We have been to a certified Christian marriage counselor which helped greatly. We were able to see the others point of view. Presently I am labeled a wife beater and she is a domestic abuse survivor. I have went to counseling, became more involved in church. serving every other weekend and joined an all men church group. And completely changed all the bad she mentioned in the conversations we had. With many details omitted, does my marriage have a chance?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I was in an extremely abusive R and have some experience on compulesions. There is an abuse thread here which is essential reading. I will include the link.
I take abuse of all kinds very seriously indeed as should you, primarily this board is about repairing an M. In order to understand more then you will get more clean questions.
The RO enforcement is as a result of you not sticking to the order. You must stick to the order under all circumstances. If you do not then you will be arrested and jailed. This will destroy your life more so than it already is.
You admit to abuse, abuse has to stop. Full stop. No matter what else happens stay away from W and stop the abuse. There are children in this and you can be accused of abusing them if they are present with their mother. That isn't unusual in these circumstances. I speak as a woman who was reactively abusive verbally, what I call my screaming banshee phase. This occurred as a result of me being abused, my buttons pressed by a severely disordered husband.
Your W knows your buttons and you need to keep them out of reach. Completely, that means keeping away from her. Forget repairing your M and work on you. There are more serious issues than your M. There is your freedom.
You are the third H to go through this cycle with this W. And she likes to accuse and get the H in her life stuck with the abuse label. She may do that by ensuring she triggers being abused.
Whilst you may have some insight into this, I read blame. You may not be owning your abuse of her and the children. It is totally unacceptable to abuse another no matter what the dynamic is and even if there is provocation. MC is not suitable in these sitches. I am deeply ashamed of my abuse as screaming banshee and have worked very hard to ensure that never will happen again. That means staying away from R which will trigger this in me.
I think you have a lot of work to do on you. I know how much work that takes, in 12 stepping and remorse.
I think you need a great deal more help otherwise you may find yourself arrested and loose your freedom. I sense your W is right and your family don't support the R and frankly I can understand why.
The interaction between you as you describe it is severely toxic and extremely serious. This W only seems to be capable of being in abusive R. This is her third.
I think you know all of this already and nothing I have written here is surprising. It is my view that abusive toxic R are not worth saving even if they could be.
Constantly accusing you of cheating when you are not seems like pressing a hot button. Additionally you mention the sex was hot, and probably addictive. One tactic here seems to be for W to marry and tie herself with a child to each H. Her behaviour at first blush seems disordered.
Do you or W have bi polar or borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis? As these behaviours are red flags in both health issues and I think a clinical diagnosis for both of you may be required. If so there are some serious issues requiring addressing.
What are your mental health issues?
What treatment have you had for the explosive anger issues?
Do you or W have drinking or drug issues?
Are you in IC?
Have you attended abuse counselling?
Have you considered a 12 step program for codependency?
Where any of your previous R abusive?
Were you neglected as a child or abused?
I am not asking you to answer these questions here as although having a qualification and experience this is above my pay grade. However I think these issues require addressing.
My thoughts are stay away from W and sort you out. Bringing yet another child into a disorganised disordered mother is both dangerous and unhealthy.
Those are my views.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
A lot of absuing spouses ramp up when there is an op in the wings.
I'm pretty sure they ramp up the abuse to get yo,u to leave but keep you hanging as plan b. We because we care hang about and try to save the m. This they want while they are building up the r withthe new person.
In my case he hit my son, amongst other much more serious things, because he had an ow with more income and less wise to his tricks. I had worked out on some levels thatthings were not right but I didn't realise till he left it was him stealing money from my wallet etc.
To save an abuse stich and it's possible if they own their side, in my case he was too busy with the ow blaming me for all our dramas to look within. He I doubt will ever do that, I suspectthe ow will have a much rougher time than I did as she seems to think she's pretty smart to human behivour.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
No, I married her because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Looking back now I remember times she would start an argument and we had the BEST makeup sex.
Oh WOW! I cannot believe you mentioned BPD. My friend has a masters degree in substance abuse counselling which he studied mental health and DSMv manual. He said she is text book BPD and I'm a codependent. I was arrested for both violations and go to court next month. My lawyer is pleading guilty and is trying to keep me from doing any jail time. He said I clearly violated the order but The violations are so minor unlike some clients he has that chase the someone around with a baseball bat. I found a con lit in a journal of her's that she left. It lists Inability to communicate well Presumptive Insecure Lacks parental skills Lacks logical thinking Lies Sneaky Deceptive Self pity "victim" mentality Cares too much of others opinion of me Lazy Blames others Selfish Emotionally high maintenance Ashamed Venomous words "Something wrong with me" Runs from conflict Shuts down I don't like myself Do not trust Easily influenced by environment -------------------------------------
I have contemplated that thought. The reason I am having trouble with accepting that she has someone else is. She left on a Saturday and she called and text me through Wednesday, which I did not answer or reply. I finally replied on Thursday and Friday morning she took the RO out on me. The reason I never answered or replied was simple man logic. As fast as she left out the door (for the 100th time) She could walk back in the door. Now I regret, not answering or replying....
