As I journey through my re-adaptation into single dad-dom, I think I have found myself more cognizant of life and people's actions/thoughts.
A little background refresher, my ex decided to bail on 15yr marriage without as much as a "hey I'm dissatisfied with x and x ". No work to try to salvage anything other than her reputation. I'm not ignorant and know good marriages don't "fail" and know I'm responsible for my share of issues. Upon leaving I was given a laundry list of "issues" that caused her departure. The key phrase being ilybinilwy. I just didn't make her "happy" anymore. Never once did she mention any blame of her own, it was placed solely on my shoulders.
Fast forward through the manditory wait for divorce to be "official"... and two days later she was engaged... 5 mo later she's getting married... again
Ex is getting married to the "om" in our situation. It as a carefully orchestrated plan, just unsure of who was the meistro. He was fresh off a sep from his wife of 18 yrs, but the planning and participation in a EA was well in front of the sep. Neither one (ex and om) have done any exploration as to why their marriages failed or accepted any responsibility in it. To them they deserved to be "happy" and knew current spouses did not do it. In this new relationship, ex is often "pleased" by purchases which feed her "happiness"... as do her social media diarrhea of pictures with their associated pats on the back and "likes"...
All this backstory to ask the question, has anybody been through something similar? See the pattern somebody acted in and repeating it right before your eyes..? I wouldn't give two rats bungholes about any of this but there are kids involved. So I have to concern myself with the potential for fallout... or I think I wouldn't be a very good parent.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
A little background refresher, my ex decided to bail on 15yr marriage without as much as a "hey I'm dissatisfied with x and x ". No work to try to salvage anything other than her reputation. I'm not ignorant and know good marriages don't "fail" and know I'm responsible for my share of issues. Upon leaving I was given a laundry list of "issues" that caused her departure. The key phrase being ilybinilwy. I just didn't make her "happy" anymore. Never once did she mention any blame of her own, it was placed solely on my shoulders.
This is exactly what happened with me as well. Just baffling. No work on salvaging the MR. Never brought up her dissatisfaction with anything. I was also the sole cause of all her problems and she not once took blame for anything.
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Fast forward through the manditory wait for divorce to be "official"... and two days later she was engaged... 5 mo later she's getting married... again
haha. i am in the mandatory waiting period before D can be filed. W had an EA with OM who was also separated from his W. So, they fed each other. Not sure what happened and if it's fizzled out or if it's going on. I am curious to see what happens when the mandatory waiting period is over.
She has not taken any steps to address her issues.
Sorry to hear the situation and yes, you have to give a rat's a$$ as kids are involved to navigate this garbage for them.
And I have to say, it's all depressingly familiar.
ILYBINILWY? I got that. Laundry list? Yes. I was stopping him from living the life he wanted to live and being happy. Even getting married had been a mistake apparently.
Separated October 2015 and he went pretty much openly straight into the arms of OW. Didn't really do anything at all to remove any of his belongings from my house. He just left with a suitcase and that was it. Everything left behind, passport, accounts, and post still coming to my house.
9 months later, in summer 2016, she's expecting his child.
He did nothing to sort D, I believe. I'm sure it was sorted by his mother.
As to examining his part in why our M went the way it did? I don't know if he's looked into it or not. My guess is no. He was very closed off in talking about his emotions (the difficult ones) during our M. He doesn't come from a family that talk openly about things, they have a pretty old-fashioned view of mental health, so I doubt that anyone wanted to open that can of worms with him.
As to individual counselling? I've had my fair share. I was actually going to counselling at the time it all blew up for some panic attacks I was having (I was taking an ex work colleague to court for a sexual crime). I was actually starting to feel a bit better, and then six weeks after the sentencing, October 2015 happened.
And XH? He'd never been to counselling. He blew hot and cold with regards going to counselling together in the run up to October 2015, but it was mostly cold. I guess he didn't want his A to come out.
No kids with XH, but from what I understand, you can only manage your own behaviour, and set an example to them through that.
My now partner was on the other side of an affair. They've now been D for 8(?) years. He had two children with his XW who where something like 11 and 13 when they separated.
He's very clearly made the biggest effort ever to behave in a fair and decent manner with the kids, in spite of her behaviour then (and occasionally now). And it shows in them. You could not meet two lovelier people...they are an absolute credit to the way that he has behaved throughout.
Anyway, he says that he can spot the lies and manipulation XW throws at him (still) a mile off. He just chooses not to react to it. That seems to be the way forward.
I developed a new mode of behaviour and a new motto during this whole thing: No action is an action; no reaction is a reaction.
Are you a single dad in the sense that she left you with primary custody of the kids? How old are your children?
In my opinion, there is something heartless and cold in Someone capable of discarding, cheating, and lying. I dont believe in MLC...
Reflecting back, were there signs of selfishness? I dont mean signs that you could predict this type of discardment. I mean signs of maybe a frustrating selfishness, or need for attention or materialism? Things that didn't quite sit right with you but you wrote off?
(For example my ex borrowing money from me to purchase a luxury care when he earned a lot more then me and we were saving for a house and I communicated with him my disagreement regarding such a frivolous expense)
Would you fill in your profile so we can post to you
Sorry you are here
V
Vanilla , Thanks for the welcome but I've been here for a while .. just lazy and never finished the profile... I'll take the welcome gifts but I'm not skinny dipping with doodler...
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Are you a single dad in the sense that she left you with primary custody of the kids? How old are your children?
Reflecting back, were there signs of selfishness? I dont mean signs that you could predict this type of discardment. I mean signs of maybe a frustrating selfishness, or need for attention or materialism? m
Jujub, We share custody equally , something I'm sure surprised her and ex-in laws. I didn't have kids to abandon them especially when they need stable parents the most.
As far as the materialism it was a slow learn for me. I mean who doesn't like nice things... but for her it's different. Is more of a sense of entitlement. She "bought" into me thinking her life would be a certain way. When it didn't quite live up to her standards or those of who she compared lives too, she became dissatisfied. I played the game and have the debt to prove it.
I guess jujub I expected more out of her character than she actually had.0
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
I went through the EXACT same situation. After reading through the responses to you, I guess it is more common than I thought. I got home from work one day and he just said he was done. Later I got all the blame and he got all the credit for "sticking it out" (he got credit, at least in his own mind, not so much in the real world). He was living with OW 2 weeks after our D was final and they got married about 6 months after that. He has NEVER owned up to his share of the responsibility and wanted to lay it all on me in the beginning. The only way my sitch differs from yours, as far as I can see, is that my XH moved 1500 miles away from me to be with his OW (thank God for that not so small favor) and our children were adults when it all went down.
To this day, almost 4 years since our D was final, he has yet to acknowledge that he had any fault or blame in the matter. He still thinks it is all my fault and has sold his new wife on that. Funny thing, he was married to his first XW for about 17 years then me for about 9. So, the way I see it, since he seems to be halfing the time he's married with each divorce, this new skank has about 4 or 5 years total before he does this to her and moves on to #4. By my calculations, that leaves her with about 2 more good years. Cheers to them and their scheming ways.
I'm sorry you have to be here, man. Hang in there. I promise it does get way, way, WAY better.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Would you fill in your profile so we can post to you
Sorry you are here
V
Vanilla , Thanks for the welcome but I've been here for a while .. just lazy and never finished the profile... I'll take the welcome gifts but I'm not skinny dipping with doodler...
That makes all of us then.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
