Read the Divorce Remedy. LOVED it! Am applying the GAL and doing my best to just let things lay right now. A little background. We've been together 21 years this year, married for 17 1/2. 2 kids 14 and 11. I am presently on Spring Break with just my kids as my wife declined to come due to both health issues and our relationship issues. It's been a rough couple of years. She has had chronic health issues for a decade that have debilitated her life and a VERY chronic issue that has affected her for the last 7 months. She is NOT the person she once was. She IS an amazing and can be loving person. Our real rough couple of years came with a business failure (no fault of ours, just happened) causing bankruptcy, foreclosure, etc. I fought hard during that time to just keep my family together. I held on too tight, pushed, pressured (everything Michelle says NOT to do), and my wife was in a different place. Her reaction to our catastrophe was to curl up in a ball and shut out the world (including me). So when I pushed, she just pulled farther away. I believe financially we are on the mend, things are better, career is ok, and we have worked with several counselors, books, CD's, etc. throughout our marriage as we always knew it was a journey and not just perfection all the time. Well, she finally "gave up" and said she is done. She filed for divorce in February of this year. We spoke, it was traumatic, and she agreed to withdraw the petition at that time. She is not intent on working on our marriage, just agreed it was the wrong time. We are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, watching tv together, but no intimacy or conversations other than the kids and trivial stuff (oh, and money of course). I am an emotional person when it comes to my family and my wife. We have been through so much together I truly cannot imagine us parting ways. Her father sexually, physically and emotionally abused her as a child, then left their family. She kind of went off the rails and we met when she was an adult. FLEW on air for the first 6-7 years. Kids, surgeries and then the big financial issue along with the regular problems of marriage (NOT that kids are a problem, they are amazing!, but they do change a relationship.
I don't think there is another person involved other than people she has found on health boards that are now her "friends". I believe they are feeding her some bad information about what life will be like without me. I wish I could tell you I am a bad person and she should run, but I am just not. I'm a good father, a good provider and I do my best to be a good husband. I am definitely not perfect and more than that have done EVERYTHING Michelle said not to do. My wife is going through(I believe) a combination of WAW and an MLC. I think if I can wait it out, it may work out. Outside of her jumping into a new relationship, there is no assets for us to split, no way for her to support herself, and I believe VERY restricted on being able to move the kids around over the next couple of years. It is not all about money, but the quality of life will drastically change for her (and hence my children for part of the time).
HELP! I am lost, am doing my best to follow the book. I need to accept (within reason) whatever her decisions are and not let them bother me. I only want to find a path to get my family back.
GREAT week with my kids, and don't know how my wife is going to react. I am hopeful that she has taken the time to reflect how this will really be in the future, that outside of despising me at the moment, that she misses me just a little. Worried about going home tomorrow and how it will be. Trying to prepare myself for the worst. I know that either way, the Big D or reconciliation will be a long road.
the 180's are hard.
Any advice, help or 2.4's are welcome.
M51 W44 D14 S11
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
WAW going through MLC as we were gone this week (kids and I) has been going through it. She even let it slip she called her lawyer again. Don't know if she is going to file again or not.
Don't know if I should just say something like "thank you for giving me the time with our kids, I know you needed a break, we wish you would have came, but I hope you enjoyed your time". Nothing major, but not sure if that sounds too desperate or not. I know the filing part is crazy hard, not the end, but a very big part. HELP! What am I supposed to do. If I didn't love my wife this would be way easy. She still takes my breath away, I love her dearly and I love my family.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Thank you for the quick response! I do have to discuss a couple of financial issues being the first of the month and all. I will keep it brief, to the point and avoid the emotional stuff.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you and I will and have been doing this. Only log on from my phone and work computer and the book is at work as well.
Had a phone call that was supposed to be quick that turned inot an hour talk. My fault, I took the bait. I MUST do better at the letting go, letting her figure her stuff out and only focusing on what is really happening, picking my battles , not assuming or imagining and even when it is obvious to remain in control. This is a marathon that I believe if done correctly we all win in the end!
Got home last night. Kids and I were exhausted. Pleasant enough between my wife and I,but just cordial.
We are supposed to talk finances this week so that will be fun!
Working on myself and concentrating on getting back to who I am. IF she changes and wants to reengage we will approach that subject.
Appreciate the support.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I join Cadet in welcoming you where nobody really wants to be. We are a supportive bunch. Although, weekends can show less activity.
I encourage you not to react to your W's words or actions. As you said, you can be emotional, and this type of situation doesn't help. Remaining calm is crucial at this time. She may often say things that she doesn't carry through.
If I had to guess, I'll bet you tend to be the more talkative spouse. Am I right? If so, put duct tape over your mouth, if necessary, to make your mouth be still. . You don't want to overkill with words.
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I am definitely not perfect and more than that have done EVERYTHING Michelle said not to do.
Well, you should fit in perfectly with this board! Seriously, the best starting place is to stop doing every thing Michele says not to do. Tall order, but if you'll turn lose of your fear......you can do it.
You will discover we use several four letter words on the board, like...."Fear"........"Time"......"Don't"........just to name a few.
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the 180's are hard.
Are you referring to the 37 rules? That's what people tell me, that they are hard. What are some 180 degrees you have made recently?
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HELP! I am lost, am doing my best to follow the book. I need to accept (within reason) whatever her decisions are and not let them bother me. I only want to find a path to get my family back.
Sometimes we have to accept things, but it doesn't mean it doesn't bother us. We just have to figure out how to go forward with life, in spite of it. Eventually, we learn to live with what was handed to us. We can make the most of what we have, or we can give up and decide to be miserable for the rest of our remaining time on earth.
Did she receive therapy for the abuse she suffered as a child? She may very well be experiencing a MLC, I don't know.
BTW, is your W taking a lot of medication for her health issues? Is she a SAHM?
Anyway, I hope you'll post often and tell us what you can. Be sure to read all the links on Cadet's page. There are a lot of people here who are in very similar situations.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First, unless it's braces, new shoes, or bad grades, stop discussing your children. If there is an issue that requires the two of you, then address it as efficiently as you can. Do not take it to a point where you let her think that you use your children as a pretense to talk to her.
Second, stop watching TV with her. Find something else to do. She clearly has a comfortable routine with you and it does not sound like she realizes that this routine is valuable in and of itself. She needs some time to find out if her new friends will really fill all the empty space if you are not there. And they well might. But you deserve to learn this sooner rather than later.
Spend more time with your kids, take up a hobby. You need to learn to be happy. I know it's hard. I'm in the same boat. But you need to stop offering your time and attention to someone who does not want to receive either.
When you come home, don't tell her that you missed her. "We're home" will do. If she does something like make you guys dinner, thank her and tell her that it is wonderful. Do the dishes. And then go read a book. In another room. If she acts like she didn't know that you were gone, then smile, say that it's good to be home (but NOT that you missed HER specifically), and still go read a book. In another room.
Third, stop fearing the silence. I am not saying that you should give your wife the silent treatment. But I am saying that "I'm home!" "Could you pass the salt" and "have a good time" is polite enough. If she says nothing, then you say nothing. Unless it is something pressing that you have to discuss with her about your kids, let her initiate the conversations and don't fill the empty space with small talk.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Sandi Again, appreciate the reach out and support. Yes I am the talkative spouse. Type A. Entrepreneur, leader, etc. She is smart, intelligent but the health issues have debilitated her for a decade. Weird part is that she is so strong willed that she perseveres. She is a SAHM. I believe this is a huge part. The major medications over the last years, the "what have I done with my life", etc.
Lately, she's thrown in a few zingers from nowhere. She brought up an conversation that happened 4 weeks after we started dating ( yes 21 years ago) saying I was always doing things this way. Presently she only focuses on any and every negative part of our marriage and life. There may be an EA (bit may just be friends she is reaching outnto) but don't believe there is a PA at the moment due to her major current health issue. She has chronic debilitating issues, but the most current one that has gone on for 8 months is literally an intestinal/bowel problem. She is angry, exhausted and very unhappy. She doesn't leave our home except to run the kids, errands and Dr appts. She can't drive at night and alcohol makes her sick.
She is searching other spiritual avenues. She has always been that way. One of the things I love about her. But, she has not worked outside the home in 15 years. She went to school in 08 graduated and that is when she broke her neck and had her first spinal surgery.
A little more on us. As the medical issues came on, I picked up the slack and eventually took on all the financial responsibilities. Just happened as she was recovering from one to the next for a few years.
Not a perfect marriage, but we did have fun.
Financial crisis hit in 2015 causing a bankruptcy and foreclosure and then rebuilding. We have actually made it theough. I was very angry during th is time and was only trying to hold onto my family. I gripped, pushed, pulled way too tight. She curled in a corner and didn't want to be around anyone.
My belief on the MLC is just that she wants to run away, start over, and be happy. I'm the only constant for 21 years, so I MUST be the problem.
I also believe she is delusional on how the working world works and how her lifestyle will change drastically. Unless she jumps into another relationship that will help her financially, she will find it very difficult.
She is gorgeous, would not have any issue attracting anyone. Whether they would want to long term support someone with 2 kids, the health issues and no ability to work is another issue entirely.
She expects and believes that since we have been together so long that she can pick and choose what parts of marriage see wants. I should support her, but leave her alone, unless she needs something. Again, a little far fetched in the thinking and I believe this is coming from some of her friends she is speaking with.
Weird thing is we still sleep in the same bed, watch TV together and if she can we eat family dinners together (health issues are again the reason here.
Working on the GAL. Working out everyday Just took the kids away for a week, wife stayed home. Thought it was good for all of us and to give her a small taste of being without the kids . And me.
180s I've done are Stopped snooping Stopped asking questions
More later
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
. You don't want to overkill with words.