First Post might as well jump in the water. I have read DR and started DB and been reading threads on here. I'm a 40 M she is 34 F Been together 7 years married for 2. I had a severe depression and MLC for the last 3 years Job burnout and then quitting job being unemployed. Before I quit Job found out Step father had Cancer (he died over last summer) and very close Aunt had cancer and she also died last summer. I feel that my being depressed is understandable given circumstances.
Wife and I started arguing for the first time really ever in our relationship (had been really good up til then spend 24/7 together for the 7 years). My depression became total generalized Anxiety disorder in Sept. Wife came at me first time with dissatisfaction in marriage and with me beginning of Nov. said I was Fat and that she wasn't attracted to me, this obviously destroyed my already broken self confidence. We kept arguing until she went on trip to Mexico in beginning Feb while she was there my step brother died in an auto accident ugh. When she came back we started reading "getting the love you want" together and were arguing with each other as we tried to use communication techniques from the book on the way to and back from the funeral. t Two days later she said she couldn't do this anymore and wanted out she then stayed at friends houses and got an apartment immediately and moved out and took literally everything BUT she left her furniture and her pets as the apartment wouldn't allow them (year lease). In her moving out she said she just needed some time and that in 3 months she would be open to doing some counseling. We didn't talk for a month on her direction and then one of the pets got sick and so she has been back in our house for the past week. After the second day of being here she said although she had enjoyed the time with me that she had no interest in ever doing counseling and she wanted a divorce but wanted to remain friends. I asked if she was seeing some one else she said no that is was an ILYBNILWY anymore situation and that she had no interest in being in any relationship with anyone and that she feels she will probably never be in another relationship ever again. That she should never have gotten married in the first place that she thought getting married and having a house would satisfy her. But now that she had found herself and the space time to write and think clearly etc. (she has also been totally overwhelmed by work and work burnout...she is also acting like a MLC). SHe is still here at the house sleeping on the air mattress and helping to take care of the very sick pet. I have also over heard two of her work calls while she has been here talking (almost bragging about how she is getting divorced) and that things were ok between us while she is here but that its the final stretch etc. In the month she was gone I finally went to see a shrink (and do 12 step group) which is helping I am no longer depressed or anxious thank god. I started working out and eating right and I lost 20lbs. I have not been arguing with her at all. However, upon having the bomb dropped I begged and pleaded saying that I love her and we are a good couple etc. I finally said yesterday that after the inital date of the 3 months I would talk to her about getting a divorce. Obviously I do not want this and think she is being extremely rash. I am also doing and fixing all the things she said was wrong...and more so learning to do them for myself not just to get her back. But this really feels hopeless she is very stubborn and is prone to stick to her decisions good or bad. I do still love her and think that this is a MLC for her. Oh she also started seeing a shrink. I also started wearing my wedding ring when she moved out ( I had never worn it before) so my first question is should I still wear it during this time or is it a passive aggressive move? I am trying to remain consistent in what I do. I feel that going dark is hard for me because it is more of the same when I was depressed but when I interact with her she is real cold and irritated by literally everything I do. I have remained as positive as possible and been working on detachment techniques. Also I have started a journal of which actions work and which don't...so far eye contact has been positive as I never use eye contact when talking with people. I guess I am at the LRT and need some clear guidance as to what to do. Please ask me for any clarification as to help me. I love my wife still I have been loyal and honest since day one I feel blindsided but own my accountability and can see how this happened.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and welcome! Honestly she doesn't sound MLC to me, just sounds done. Sounds like you two have been through a lot of stress with deaths in the family, your depression and weight gain, sick pet, difficult work for her, no work for you, etc. etc. You said you read DR so I assume you're familiar with the basics of DB'ing. That's your roadmap back. Let her go. Give her time and space. Work on yourself. Get in shape, lose that weight, revamp your wardrobe, find a job. In short, make yourself attractive again. Don't talk about the M, ever! If she brings it up then listen and validate (read Cadet's threads for more on validation). Good luck!
WHen you say Cadet’s thread do you mean the links posted or is there another thread I should be reading? Ugh just had a big blow out conversation...I guess it needed to happen? Will post details Feeling completely hopeless here...should I feel hopeless?
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
WHen you say Cadet’s thread do you mean the links posted or is there another thread I should be reading? Ugh just had a big blow out conversation...I guess it needed to happen? Will post details Feeling completely hopeless here...should I feel hopeless?
Ok so I blew it on day one of being here...I dont even know how the conversation got started but we had a long one about the divorce...I guess I am glad it happened because it at least allows me to acept this and start making changes for mysef vs doing them for her. “Done” is the right word...She is done completely I dont really know how I come back from this. What she said is that this isnt about me but a pattern for her. She has been a serial dater her life had 3 long term 5 year relationships before we met...and she ended them the exact same way. She said that this is something she just does and is not interested in another relationship with anyone that her friends and colleagues probide her with enough live to sustain herself. More importantly that she has a “process” she is working through to fix herself from doing this again. OK that is good that she is trying to fix herself but she is doing by totally being done with me. I dont really see her changing her mind is 2 months when she wants to file. 2 months to give me time to process my feelings. I guess I pushed her on the subject because I was really hurting...and needed to be set free myself. I cant sit around and pine for her and wait for her...which I was doing during the month seperation. Ok so here we go Rope Drop and work on me. But man acceptance of this is really hard, I still love her and hope that we both can fix ourselves and get back together. But I dont see that happening in 2 months. Am I delusional to think that this marriage can be saved? Am I a lighthouse in this scenario is it her or me who is seeing things clearly?
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Learn quickly to BACKOFF, shut up walk away when you want to speak out. Ok this is my mantra today.
3 questions
I have a day of rest as W wont be back til tomorrow afternoon to deal with pet. Not sure if I should be here while she is here? I do have tons of work to do at the house, and wonder if my ability to be present but completely detached wil help against my backsliding yesterday?
Also curious if conversation yeaterday is actually a good thing because it eatabliahed a breaking point where I can start acting “as if” and in her eyes my actions can now be seen as not just to get her back?
Can acting “as if” be seen as a 180? Can this be a smallest consistant action?
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
WHen you say Cadet’s thread do you mean the links posted or is there another thread I should be reading?
The links he posted up above. Read all of them, but especially the ones addressing validation.
Originally Posted By: Ste7e
AnotherStander What is a “done” wife is this a type or just another name for WAW? Also thanks for responding
No I just meant done, as in, well... done Reading all of the issues you posted in your first post, it just does not sound like an appealing marriage at all. She wants out of it. She's not attracted to you, and that coupled with all the other stuff that's been going wrong adds up to an unpleasant situation that she wants out of. So your goal shouldn't be to bring her back into that M, but remake yourself into a strong, independent, good-looking, in-shape you that she might be attracted to and start a new R with her.
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“Done” is the right word...She is done completely I dont really know how I come back from this. What she said is that this isnt about me but a pattern for her. She has been a serial dater her life had 3 long term 5 year relationships before we met...and she ended them the exact same way. She said that this is something she just does and is not interested in another relationship with anyone that her friends and colleagues probide her with enough live to sustain herself.
Don't believe anything she says right now and only half of what she does. She's confused and in turmoil and her mind is a whirlwind of crazy thoughts. Whatever she tells you is how she feels THAT SECOND and could change in a minute or hour or day or month. This is why we say back off and give her time and space, because talks like this GO NOWHERE.
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I guess I pushed her on the subject because I was really hurting...and needed to be set free myself.
If you push a WAS it will never go how you want it to. So DON'T.
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I cant sit around and pine for her and wait for her...which I was doing during the month seperation.
MOVE FORWARD. Have you read DR?
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Am I delusional to think that this marriage can be saved?
In a few days or week or month? Yes, that's delusional. In many months or a year or possibly several years? No, that is a very reasonable expectation.
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Am I a lighthouse in this scenario is it her or me who is seeing things clearly?
You sound desperate and needy and clingy. That is NOT being a lighthouse. You've got to get past that phase and start working on yourself.
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Not sure if I should be here while she is here? I do have tons of work to do at the house, and wonder if my ability to be present but completely detached wil help against my backsliding yesterday?
Live your life. If you have things to do around the house then do them. Don't concern yourself with what time she'll be there, or if she'll be there. It doesn't matter. People come here with so much fear that if they do this or that it'll ruin their recon chances. You didn't end up here because of one little act, it was the result of many, many bad things that happened over a long period of time. Reversing it will take many, many good things over a long period of time.
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Also curious if conversation yeaterday is actually a good thing because it eatabliahed a breaking point where I can start acting “as if” and in her eyes my actions can now be seen as not just to get her back?
No, she will still see it all as an act. And it probably is right now. You've got to do 180's and do them for months or even years before she'll believe you really have changed. What is your list of 180's?
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Can acting “as if” be seen as a 180? Can this be a smallest consistant action?
You're dropping a lot of words from DR but it doesn't sound like you really know what they mean. Did you read it? If so, all in an evening? SLOW DOWN, READ, UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE READING. There is no quick fix here, just settle in and take a deep breath. PATIENCE.
Reading all of the issues you posted in your first post, it just does not sound like an appealing marriage at all. She wants out of it. She's not attracted to you, and that coupled with all the other stuff that's been going wrong adds up to an unpleasant situation that she wants out of. So your goal shouldn't be to bring her back into that M, but remake yourself into a strong, independent, good-looking, in-shape you that she might be attracted to and start a new R with her.