Quit focusing on him and his reaction. Focus on you and your reactions. You will go insane trying to analyze his ever word and deed. You need to really let go if you want him back.
Letting him go won't guarantee you get him back, but letting go will make it much more likely you will.
Hard? Yes. Doable? Absolutely.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My husband is detached from me... :-( He is checked out.
We are supposed to be spending the day together tomorrow. Tickets were bought months ago and he planned to go this weekend. He asked me to take tomorrow off a week ago to attend with him. I know he will go again tomorrow his S18.
I just don't want it to be a lousy day.
We really had fun last weekend but since then he has gone dark and cold. He has said he won't be grumpy with me at this event.
UGH... again I have no idea how to handle him asking me where I am going tonight. What do I say?
Yes - that I can do... BUT I'm going to get a barrage of questions.
What Friend?, What are you Reading? Why coffee shop - you don't drink coffee?
This is what I get BUT mind you if I ask my husband what he is doing or he is talking to I get "I don't answer to you", "Stop asking questions".
I don't want to behave that way because I don't want my husband to behave that way. I don't want to perpetuate an atmosphere of anger and contempt.
We had an impromptu breakfast out yesterday. Wasn't planned. We were out due to unforeseen car issues and he said he was hungry. Breakfast went fine but he can't put down his phone which was never his issue before. He was just playing games but its like a way to avoid me.
Anyway driving back home he makes a snide comment. Oh, is that the restaurant you go to with your boyfriend? What is this??? I've been to that restaurant TWICE. Once was a goodbye party for a co-worker and we are all women and he knew this. The second was Valentine's Day and he chose to stay at home and I went to dinner and took S16. Is this just him being angry in general and lashing out? He has to know I desire no one other than my husband. Why does he keep with the boyfriend stuff????
Kit you are going to have to let the boyfriend comments roll off your back. Either he is feeling guilty about a relationship in his life he shouldn't have, or he is very insecure and assumes you have someone in your life. Either way engaging him in that is counterproductive. Just laugh it off, and change the subject.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know he is not having an affair. I think he is leaning on friends right now and he has IC.
I used to think it was because he truly did care and it mattered but I'm sure its more "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either".
Its frustrating that he asks me 50questions but I cannot ask him anything.
I know he feels trapped and I think he feels that - oh you can go out and do things BUT I have no attachments to this city. All my attachments are an 1hr away so I have nothing to do to socialize here. It like our situation is a little unique and my going out just pours salt in a wound?
Reading your thread, I think it is great that you have identified several things you have contributed to this breakdown and recognized the need to change. But I also get the impression that you are beating yourself up over these things. That is counterproductive. Don’t use self-guilt to drive change, use being a better you as the driver. Maybe I’m reading things wrong, but that is what I picked up on.
Given that, I want you to use everything I say below as learning and not as something about which to be guilty.
I’m not sure if it is the threads I tend to read, but there is a lot of discussion about the WW who has become resentful. There seems to be a lot less discussion of the rejected WH (if anyone reading has good threads of this that I’ve missed, please add a link to them in KitCat’s thread to help her). And right or wrong, your H feels rejected. And like resentment leads to disrespect in a WW, rejection leads to anger in a WH.
And this situation makes DBing a fine line. You want to give WH time and space, work on detachment, GAL, and improving you, but you don’t want to make WH feel like this is further rejection. That will mean a lot of “I heard what you said about wanting to be alone and I’m trying to give you time and space for that. That isn’t what I want, but I will respect your need for this.” And given he is now pulling away from your touches, stop. If you want to reciprocate when he initiates, then do so.
The boyfriend comments are his insecurities. Don’t blow them off. Something like “WH, I would never do that. I believe in my vows and our marriage.” Or whatever words you would use (unless you would have a boyfriend, but I don’t think you’d be here if that was the case.)
The coffee tonight is a good time for trying the time and space comment above.
And as others have said, slow down and learn patience. This is gonna last a while.
Thanks for helping me formulate a good response. I'm going to practice it out loud today so it feels natural when I say it and not forced.
I'm not acting out of guilt but mostly regret. He says that I really filled a void in him and was very good to him at one time. He interpreted my actions to mean I did not want him even though I verbally told him I did many times over. I really want him to see that the girl he married is still here and she realizes that when she pulled away because of her own insecurities that he only felt his own rejection.
So its regret.
And, its hard. Its so very hard when he says he will never let me back in because he never will allow himself to be hurt like that ever again. Its so hard not to think its permanent... forever.
Just this week he said his defenses are WAY up. They are so high up that there is no way I can penetrate them right now. Does that mean in time? I mean what I hear is that ok - go slow its not impossible its just not right now. But, that's me hanging on to symantecs and I have to learn to let that go.
Its clear that my husband is definitely better at detaching than I am. That's where he is at right now. In his words - he is burnt out.
KitCat, many an LBS has come on here absolutely certain that his/her spouse was not having an affair, only to find out that yes--an affair was going on all along...
in any case, do not respond to his boyfriend comments... ignore, ignore, ignore... you say he pretty much has said he doesn't want to talk with you at all right now, so please, for your own good, stop with the interactions... sharing the video, etc... give him his space... he didn't respond the way you had hoped, and that makes you feel a certain way--a way that is not helpful to you at all right now...
personally, i would not tell him you are going off on your own to read a book... he doesn't want a marriage with you right now... wanting to have it both ways is not fair to you... i think you may want to let him know that in all fairness to you, you need space too... do you ask him where is going when he takes off? no you don't, and he wouldn't want you to do that... so it's only right that he give you the same space...
you are too focused on him... i know you have heard this again and again from a few of us... work to improve in this area... how? by GAL... enjoy your time to yourself tonight... that sounds like something i could use right now... going to a coffee shop and reading... i just may do that!
Is your H an avoider? I would think not given that he said he wanted to go to MC a few years ago. But before this, did he talk about how he was feeling?
WARNING: The following is for learning and not to add to the regret pile.
One thing that jumped out to me when I was reading your thread was when you discussed guns and such, you wrote "H rambles about guns".
Was this the way you talked to or about H? Think about this, it is important for your growth.
