In-house separation on path to D

[Jim1234]

Mowgli,

I agree with your first point, and will add that it is SO hard to detach while living together. It will get easier to do so once she moves out.

I am not sure about your second point, regarding an EA or PA, simply because FC's and my stories are very similar, and I know my WAW is not having an affair. I think it's fair to say that she simply didn't conceive that we wouldn't just still be friends.

[Mowgli]

Jim, That could be true.

You guys are a little over than me and age might have something to do with that as well.

I see a lot of guys around my age (late 20s to mid 30s) and then there seems to be a gap and this stuff starts up again around early 40s and into 50s.

Maybe theres more MLC type things going on for a WAW at that age.

I tend to view what my W went through as a "mini" MLC, as she had just turned 30.

[sandi2]

I have gotten behind on this thread, but there was an A the first time you joined the board.

I wrote the note because it's how I felt, and I thought I would let her know that the door is open for recon if she wants it. I didn't submit the form yet, and now I'm thinking I should just check the box that I agree with her and remove the note I wrote. I was thinking it is too much pursuit and she probably already realizes I would consider recon.

Here is the point that may divide my thinking from others on the board. You LBH's are always insuring the WW that you are keeping the door open to reconcile. When in reality, a WW should worry that she has lost her H. As long as he is writing notes that the door is still open if she wants it......it's hardly a message she's losing him.

With WW's, what they can't have, is attractive. What is taboo, inappropriate, illegal, shocking, or whatever, is the very thing that tempts her.

We went as a family on what has become for us an annual ski trip. We drove up and did everything as if we were together. My W and I even slept in the same bed for the first time in two months.

This is my complaint about in-house separation. It is no separation. You still live together, carry on with family activities together, and some couples even sleep together. So......what exactly is separated? They go from living like a family, straight to divorce. How do you expect the kids to handle that type of transaction when there has been no physical separation beforehand? I have not seen a successful in=house separation.

Of course she wants the best of both worlds! You even said she was a cake eater. You also said you didn't want to play happy family (or happy couple). Did you decide to stick to the skiing vacation b/c it would be disappointing for the kids? That's what everyone usually says, but guess what? Better to have disappointment over the loss of one vacation, than a lifetime of family togetherness.....or do you think it will continue even after a D?

How will she ever get a glimpse of D life, or experience any type of loss, as long as you play house and happy family together? You are even planning to build a little place behind your house? And, how will that make your new W or her new H feel, knowing the ex is just a few feet away? Better yet, how will you feel when you watch her AP sleep over? Seriously, neither of you are being very realistic about all of this, IMHO.

I told her that my goal was to act honorably throughout because I wanted to look back on events without regret. I started to get emotional and she hugged me.

You were quoting to her what you have read on the board. You need to stop it. Unless you are told to say something specifically to her, don't repeat statements from the board to your W.

I don't know how we got on the subject, but I plan on taking my girls on a special vacation with me for my 50th b-day. My W asked if I bought tickets yet. She asked if I expected her to pay half. I said no, and she said maybe she will as a b-day gift to me.

Does she think she's invited along on this special vacation?
I don't see where you set her straight about it.

During the conversation, I learned one thing that bothered her was she felt she had no space or privacy.

So, you've never read how the WW wants space and privacy? Seriously? This is code for, "Stay out of my way while I cheat on you".

I really feel that D is inevitable at this point. My W has bottled up resentment and unhappiness from our MR. What bothers me most is she didn't ever communicate it to me.

She may not have communicated in a way that woke you up and actually made you listen to her, but I bet she tried to let you know she wasn't happy. You knew years ago when you first received the BD.

[ATPeace]

Hey fast cars

What Sandi said to you is 100%'I was when you are and I will tell you first hand that inhouse separations just do not work ...they lull you into a false sence

You need space you are in a good place here and we all want to help you....nothing you say right now will matter to her

Keep working on your GAL

[Verum]

Thanks everyone for reading and responding to my thread. I do find all feedback helpful.

Mowgli,

I agree with you (and Jim) about the detachment. I reread the thread. Just difficult to do when you see each other everyday.

PA is highly unlikely. My W just completed graduate school 6 months ago. She was working and doing school, which took most of her time. She is now in a new job and leaves at 7am and returns home between 4-6 pm. She often does paperwork to prepare for the next day from 8-10pm. Essentially, she has no time for a PA.

Your Point #4, I agree and need to work on this even more.

[Verum]

Sandi,

Thanks for your post.

You are correct, there was a one-night stand in 2012 with her gym instructor, who moved out of the country soon after.

When in reality, a WW should worry that she has lost her H.

Point well taken. I think I have done well in that I have essentially accepted her wish for a D, I don’t show neediness, I don’t follow her around, I give her space, and I have ceased asking about her day, telling her about mine, etc. I also do GAL and have been out and doing things I like, which shows when I get home. I think I have projected an image of somebody who's going to move on without her.

However, in my response to the D papers I did check the box that I do not agree.

This is my complaint about in-house separation. It is no separation. You still live together, carry on with family activities together, and some couples even sleep together.

Neither one of us is going to leave the house, so I need to make it so we have as little contact as possible.

Did you decide to stick to the skiing vacation b/c it would be disappointing for the kids?

I planned the vacation and initially did not include W, but because the house we use is her friends, I felt I couldn’t tell her she couldn’t come. Maybe in hindsight I should have choked up the $$$ and just rented a place or canceled the trip.

Does she think she's invited along on this special vacation?

No, she knows she is not. In fact, I just bought tickets for all of us and sent her the itinerary (which I must do according to the Temporary Restraining Orders associated with filing for D).

She may not have communicated in a way that woke you up and actually made you listen to her, but I bet she tried to let you know she wasn't happy. You knew years ago when you first received the BD.

I agree. Earlier in our MR she did communicate. I was really referring to post-BD #1. This is why I have said before that I screwed up piecing. I should have insisted on marriage counseling to address some of the lingering issues as well as the new ones that popped up after BD#1. At the time, she would have probably gone to counseling.

[Manny]

It's true we are living together and we can not separate since both of us want the house and don't want to give the other the advantage. But living in the same house makes it impossible to detach and made it worse, i've tried following Sandi's rules but screwed up so many times. I'm just exhausted and decided to file for the D today, I can't take it anymore, I'm done with her too many lies and disrespect, she totally wanted to have both worlds since it was a problem till I caught her.

[sandi2]

Neither one of us is going to leave the house, so I need to make it so we have as little contact as possible.

You referred to the house you "use" belonging to her friend. Is that a house you stay in during the skiing vacation?

What has your lawyer advised about remaining in the home with her? Sorry if I missed it, I have gotten behind in some threads.

I just bought tickets for all of us and sent her the itinerary (which I must do according to the Temporary Restraining Orders associated with filing for D

A restraining order? I don't understand how that works when you live under the same roof. But you don't have to explain it all, b/c I was the one who got behind in reading. How long till the D is final?

I should have insisted on marriage counseling to address some of the lingering issues as well as the new ones that popped up after BD#1. At the time, she would have probably gone to counseling

Maybe you can help others on the board to learn from your mistakes. I fully agree that pro-marriage therapy is needed when a couple is going to piece their M back together. We all need an outside and experienced point of view. Most of us need professional guidance to keep on us track, b/c piecing is so hard.

[Verum]

What has your lawyer advised about remaining in the home with her? Sorry if I missed it, I have gotten behind in some threads.

Legally, leaving the house should have no effect on who gets to keep the house. However, practically, judges are people and if the judge sees that I move out, have a place and the W and kids were in the home, then he might decide the status quo is in the best interest of the kids and award the house to her. Because D17 is one year from graduation, my L said a judge might also delay by 1 year the sale of the house so she can graduate from the HS.

Emotionally, for me to move out wouldn't be good. I would not be able to find a suitable place for my kids to come over, and the loss of the familiarity of the house on top of all the other up-heavals would be tough to deal with. Not that being constantly reminded of what W is doing is much better.

A restraining order? I don't understand how that works when you live under the same roof. But you don't have to explain it all, b/c I was the one who got behind in reading. How long till the D is final?

By law we are considered separated even under same roof. The D papers include TRO's built into them about travel with children.

D final no earlier than August 2018. This assumes we are able to agree on everything.

Maybe you can help others on the board to learn from your mistakes. I fully agree that pro-marriage therapy is needed when a couple is going to piece their M back together. We all need an outside and experienced point of view. Most of us need professional guidance to keep on us track, b/c piecing is so hard.

This is one of the main lessons learned from piecing. I should have done IC too to deal with trust issues following BD#1.

[Verum]

I'm somewhat down these past days because I redid my calculations and I think neither one of us will be able to afford the house. On top of that we have mediation this coming week to discuss child custody, and I don't see any good outcomes, only less bad outcomes. I guess I'll have to get used to more downs than ups in the coming months.

Anyway, on Friday I left work at lunchtime to go to a big sporting event that comes to town every year. I was invited to the event by a host that was providing food and wine. I in turn invited a friend to join me. The friend is like many of my friends also friends with my W. I had a good time. One interesting thing that happened to me was towards the end of the day when I was at the bar to get one last drink. A women behind me started up a conversation. I learned she lives in the same town as me. She then "bought" me a drink, I put it in quotes because it was an open bar. I'm not so dense to not realize she was flirting with me, which was nice. Afterwards, I thought to myself how often will I meet an attractive women, who shows interest in me, and lives nearby? I was thinking I shouldn't let such opportunities pass me up. However, I can say I have no interest in any relationships right now so just as well. Besides, I'm still married.

On Saturday I did things with my girls. I was going to take them out to dinner, but our town was packed due to the sporting event, and besides my neighbor told me to come by for dinner. So I did that. They all very nice people to be with.

Sunday was jam packed with activities, too many activities. I did crossfit, went to soccer, and then did some sailing. I'm now fatigued big time.

The downside of continued living together is when on Friday night my W got dressed at about 9pm and went out. I have no idea where she went. One part of me doesn't care, but then just seeing her leave creates other emotions too. If we weren't together, then I would have no idea where she was and such things couldn't even both me.