My exh and I used a mediator, but we also each had a lawyer. Mediators cannot legally advise; their job is to draft the divorce agreement. The lawyer is to advise each party if they're ceding too many rights.
Over the years here it's seemed your H has been a bit of a control freak about many things, so this is not going to be any different. Well, to be blunt, he has given up the right to tell you how to conduct your personal affairs moving forward, business, romantic or any other. You are under zero obligation to do things his way. In fact, you could be actively jeopardizing your future if you do so. He is not rational and he is not looking out for anyone's best interests but his own.
In terms of the children, I didn't tell my son it wasn't mutual. I let my exh spin his BS, and when our son asked me, I just kept saying it didn't matter who made the decision, it wasn't going to change anything and what was important was that we both still loved him and he was the priority.
Son of course quickly figured out what was really going on. There's a lot of tongue biting and word weighing that goes on to make sure you're honest with the kids, but not parentifying them, i.e. turning them into the confidant, saying things like "you're the man of the house now" etc. That's where damage comes from.
I wouldn't want the kids to see a fight, so I'd personally deflect, chose my words very wisely and neutrally, and let them figure it out. This is H's 'stage' let him perform on it. Just be your authentic self. When you're alone with the children you can answer their questions more openly, i.e. your father has made his decision but I think saying that in front of stbxh will only serve to stir the pot in front of the very audience you're trying to soothe.
just my $.02
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hawho, I’m sorry to read about recent developments and glad to see you are getting some good advice from others.
I had the same thing with XH. He wanted no Ls and everything in his favour. I got my own L despite this and he then got a L too. Once he got a L he seemed much more reasonable. I think maybe she gave him a good talking to!
My settlement, based on the normal formula in our situation, was roughly double his original offer.
Whilst this must be horrible just now, please know that peace does lie beyond and focus on looking after yourself and you and your boys best interests.
Big hugs to you xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just wanted to say, that Wonka is a re-formed MLC'er. I would take her words and run with them as she has had the sh@tty end of the stick and knows how to use it.
I thought Dorm boy would pull through - maybe he'll come to his senses in the end.
Last edited by job; 01/14/1809:44 AM. Reason: edited a word
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Thanks KML. That is solid advice. I hope you are right that the kids feel some relief. Most worried about s12 who is a bleeding heart.
Bttrfly - such wise advice and with such a heavy hand on kindness. You always balance the two.
Sotto - thank you for this. You are an inspiration at rebuilding; one of the best at showing how it's done!
Huddy - thanks for chiming in. I hoped he would have come a little further these last few years. But alas, no. Sadly, I don't think he's one that will pull through. I don't see him attempting that level of introspection. And I agree with Job that now he'll probably put the pedal to the medal of his replay car.
But yes, Wonka's words to stay calm are golden. Thankfully h has always been a big chicken when it comes to face to face confrontation. Even this week when I went in to tell him he needed to slow down and let me read everything, he kept telling me to "quiet down, shush, you are talking too loud." This is what he does when I try to assert myself; he tries to re-gain control via this shushing method. Now, when he's behind a computer, he spews the most horrific stuff. Really below the belt.
This weekend I had a great opportunity to practice calmness in the face of ridiculousness. My L emailed his L asking that h stop communicating with me as h was insisting I make decisions in an instantaneous fashion. How did h respond? Well, he took the advice quite literally. He is not communicating with me at all. I mean zero. Guess my L should not have assumed common sense would be practiced and instead should have said "refrain from communicating about the d, but do continue communicating about the children."
Yesterday s12 had a game. New team and the schedule was not up and h was the one emailed, not I. S was kinda sure where the game was. He asked h and said mom will meet us there. Obviously I knew we would not drive together and he has now told me I am "dead to him." (Thing is? Think I've been dead to him for years now.) Anyway, he told s not to worry as he'd take him. S again said mom wants to come and nope, h wouldn't tell me where. Cruel that he would do that to me as he knows I work all week and live for seeing his games. The look of confusion on s's face tore me to pieces. Awful the way he triangulates the kids into what is our problem. I just said "no big deal I'll try to see you there. If not, the place is wrong."
I took a chance and went where s thought it was. Arrived early enough that if it was he wrong place I still had time to drive to the other place it could be. As I turn in, I see h's car. Yippee! First thing I did was go to the new coach and give my email address so I can be added to all team info.
Slept 6 hours with my new bestie friend the Dr. gave me. That is more than I slept all week! And the pill has no grogginess in the AM.
Yesterday, I fixed a broken door that had been broken a while. Today, I got a flat tire. When AAA came to put the spare on I had him teach me how to fill the air in my tires correctly. I am doing massive spring cleaning, too. Cleaning out closets and donating old items. It's keeping my mind occupied and my body tired. I remember just what worked for me from those early days of BD.
Thank you to all here. I really do have the Dream Team of MLC beside me!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
GOOD for you for practicing equanimity. Ready to do some meditation? Roist had suggested a site awhile ago and I was delighted, upon going there, to find the Buddhist loving kindness meditation, downloadable for free even! There are two versions, one with music (which I've never used) and the other which I use all the time.
HaWho when I've woken up with panic attacks, I do that meditation and it gets me calm enough to sleep again. Surprisingly it has also helped me to reach a level of detachment and equanimity which I've never had before. If I balance kindness, it's because I actively meditate daily, using this. The site is about excelling at life, since I cannot give you the URL, you can google that and loving kindness meditation and you should be golden.
Re: not telling you the whereabouts of son's game - what a PETTY little man !!!! Oh, sometimes I lose all patience with these people! Good on you for figuring it out and for talking to the coach about emailing you as well.
I'm so proud of you for fixing the door yourself and asking the AAA guy to teach you about properly putting air in your tires. Good for you for clearing out that which no longer serves you.
Sweetheart you've got this and you've got us. You will be just fine and so will your beautiful boys xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
HW, I am very late to the new news, I am so sorry I wasn't on the boards this week. Well, wow, I have to say I did not see this coming. Not from him anyway.
Ok, so here we go. As I was reading through the threads, I wanted to shout out answers to you! I am so happy you had your consult and was set straight on the true steps of the D process. Your H is being a real jerk with his scare tactics and threats. Now that you have the facts, you can see you have some time on your side. Also remember, it's all negotiable, so don't rush any decisions.
I'm sorry you have to continue living with crazy for a bit. You will be amazed when he leaves, how your home will become a safe, calm, peaceful haven for you and the boys.
As for your sons, that's the toughest part of all of this. My S was 6 when BD hit. At first, it was a bit hairy, with stomach aches and S not wanting to be away from me, not wanting to go with his dad. H was at least willing to not push S too much in the beginning, by letting him stay with me if there was a meltdown. Over time, S adjusted. To this day, he still dislikes going to his dad's, and dislikes him in our quiet peaceful home. When he voices it, I agree with him, it's a real crappy situation and not what I ever wanted for him. HW, I am honest with my S, without badmouthing H. I validate his feelings and let him know I hate it as much as he does.
However, I also remind him how lucky he is, to have a dad who loves him very much, who just enjoys spending time with him. I know, in the long run, this time with his dad, and the fact I support and encourage it, will mean a lot to S some day.
When it came to telling S about our separation, I was also honest in telling him it's not what I want, but we need to make the best of it and will get through it as a family. I have to say, we have done just that.
Kids are smart, and I'm sure your sons know what is really going on around them. I know you will continue to be their rock. I just believe being honest without blame is a good thing.
HW we are all here for you. M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks Bttrfly. Actually the company for which I work is very active with meditation. We are offered to take 20 minutes worth each day! And twice a week we have access to an onsite studio where we have a quick class (during business hours) where we stretch and meditate. It's pretty smart as I am sure it increases productivity and also, it is so bad to sit all day long. I will check that out!
Hi Mleigh, well, I was as shocked as you are. Another BD. H has his finger hovering over the red button at all times. Love the way you discussed things with your son. I'll be borrowing that and mixing it in with what KML and Bttrfly advised.
Now here is something quite interesting. This morning I saw that, one day after h learned I obtained my own lawyer, there is a transfer in place from an account I do not know about. Well, well, well. Also interesting? Another account mysteriously appeared as well. I had asked h about that exact amount of money several years ago as I kind of lost track of things when he kids were young, life was frenetic and I trusted my h implicitly. It's a significant amount. At the time (just before replay) h told me we'd spent it on the addition we built. We had an argument as I was incredulous that he could spend that much over what I thought it was all costing. Even more interesting is that he had undermined me by telling me that I had no idea how construction projects work and how things balloon over budget. No wonder he was so anxious to have me sign, sign, sign and use his L. It'll be interesting how this version of his assets form differs from the one he gave his L.
Looks like my L has already paid for himself . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
