Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 12, D on hold

[PsySara]

Well I told WH I was done and would be contacting my lawyer tomorrow as well as my CPA to get my financial affidavit together. He just nonchalantly said ok. I am a mixture of anger and deep, deep sadness. I am so sorry to my poor kids, I wish I had picked a better person to be their father.

[skyhigh]

It has been a while since I posted. I read your threads, you really tried everything not once but multiple times. It's time to break that cycle where you have been since many months now. It seems from what I read, that your husband has been "using" you for his own financial benefits. Anger and sadness are normal, you are grieving what you thought should have been but won't. I just read something today: "Sometimes God closes doors because it's time to move forward. He knows you won't move unless circumstances force you. Trust God alway!"
You are much stronger that you think you are, you have been through terrible events, those events have built strength in you. You are not the same anymore, you are a warrior and whatever life will throw at you, I am pretty sure you will figure out something.
Now I understand that your next fear is going to be your children custody. Take a big breath, and ask yourself does he really want the kids 50/50 or it's just a mean to negotiate something else. Do you really think he can handle 3 kids full day and night for several days in a row... let him having a taste of it during the divorce process (make it not fast) then wait and see.

[Cherry]

I hoped it wouldn’t come to this. The similarities between both us and our wh have been uncanny, so i feel a connection to you. But you have tried everything, i don’t think you can label yourself as a walk away wife, because you so aren’t. You’ve tried everything and more and given your all. He has no right talking to you like that, like you say, you would talk to a stranger nicer than that. And as a Muslim man, he should know to respect a woman, especially his wife better. Hold your head up high and proceed. Treat yourself, get that new bag or new shoes you’ve seen. Or treat yourself to a little makeover (or the in home spa like i often have), and take good care of yourself. To be honest, when he is gone- don’t be surprised if you feel relief. It shocked me, i thought I’d be crying buckets, but i actually felt relief not to be treading on egg shells any more. And IF he is cheating, well what a prize someone has got!

“If Allah knows there is (any) good in your heart, he will give you (something) better than what was taken from you”.
Quran, 8:70

There is plenty good in your heart sister

[Vanilla]

Psy

You have done that which you needed to do for you. It is your right to say enough.

From where I am sitting you are a great DBer and I hope in time you will see and understand that. There is much about your WH that reminds me of the G. Compulsion, entitlement and emotional abuse.

Like V you are a professional woman and you have stood for M, if not for WH. No regrets over that because it was that which you needed. No avenue explored, that is a woman who values M and loyalty. Someone who truly committed to her vows, someone who has gone beyond.

This is a very brave step today.

A long time coming.

Peace dear lady, breathe, life begins today.

V

[NicoleR]

PsySara, how are you doing?

I was thinking about you tonight. I remembered something I read about Madonna-Whore complex. Have you heard of it? It's a phenomenon where the husband stops desiring his wife, who he sees as a saint and who he admires, and starts to desire beautiful women who he doesn't respect. I remember seeing that your husband cheated with a younger woman (guess what, mine's now with a nurse 14 years younger than me!) and wonder if this is relevant to you? Maybe your husband stopped desiring you at some subconscious level even though I'm sure you're better and more beautiful than any other woman he could have.

I hope you're making progress with figuring out the next steps. I guess we'll both go through divorce at the same time.

[PsySara]

Well I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer as I had to cancel my appointment with her to go to a mandatory meeting at work. Things are basically fine between WH and I, we are polite even have funny conversations. He continues to talk about "us" in the future tense and I just remain silent. It's bizarre, I don't feel much of anything about him right now. I picture future as co-parents and feel no distress.

NicoleR,
My WH's cousin also brought up the Madonna/Wh0re thing and I definitely feel there is something to is. The OW was 17 years younger than me, not a full RN but an LPN, and has JUST turned 21 and celebrated it by drinking to blackout and maybe getting raped. (this is where he stepped in as her KISA and took her to the ER the next day) There are so many things that fly in the face of our religious beliefs with this OW I don't know where to start. It clearly was more about WH looking for a way to not face his middle age, his responsibilities and the reality of his life. She was basically an empty vase to pour his own desires and fantasies into.

[PsySara]

My resolve to D is just getting stronger. This morning the nanny texted em and said she was sick and could not come to work. I told WH (it was his day off) and he immediately became angry. He told me if I didn't dock the nanny's pay (my responsibility financially) that he would not get the kids ready for school and just keep them home. I stood very still and coldly stared at him, I then told him I was getting ready for work and not to ever give me an ultimatum again. There was more to the argument but in the end WH went back to bed. I texted my supervisors I would be late and got the kids up, fed them and got them dressed and homework sorted. I brought DD to her bus stop and once she was picked up I took DS5 to his preschool. I then dropped off the van and went to work. Not a peep from WH today.

I got off early and came home before the kids were home. A few minutes later WH comes home from picking the kids up and had bought food for them and himself but nothing for me. This was after yesterday I made sure to bring home dinner for WH and the kids. I think WH is just not capable of having ANY insight into his mean and selfish behavior. There has been no apology or even barely a greeting from him when I got home. I will follow up with my attorney on Monday and make sure the paperwork is restarted.

[NicoleR]

PsySara,

Do you believe your nanny was really sick? Does she normally come every day? That doesn't sound fair to dock her pay if she's sick. If she has something contagious she could pass it on to all of you. I know that's all beside the point, but we have to respect the people who take care of our kids. Too bad your husband said that and went back to bed. Moms never get a day off. Why should dads get that? The double standard alone is enough to drive one to consider divorce without even an affair.

Anyway it sounds like a hard life you're living with your husband. You don't necessarily have to choose between that and being a totally single mom, right? You could get an Au Pair to live with you in addition to the nanny so you have around-the-clock coverage. Surely you have your mom or a sister or aunt who can stay with you sometimes. Or you could get a daily cleaning lady or cook. Any of those sound better for your sanity than expecting anything from your husband.

I hope reactivating the divorce case ends this long period of uncertainty and pain. Either it will really end or your husband will take a radical, drastic approach to save the marriage when he see's you're serious and you'll have the power to say no or set extreme demands.

I hope it gets easier in a different way from this point. I also hope your kids are doing ok. I hope there'll be a happy ending to your story somehow....maybe the step parent possibility someday will give you the complete family you deserve.

[NicoleR]

I should clarify that I do recall a few posts where you've said your husband does help with the kids but it sounds like it's not in the husband / wife "let me take care of the kids today so you can rest" teamwork sense. Perhaps he's a great dad...sorry if my post sounded too judgmental!

[PsySara]

We've had a live-in previously and it ended poorly. WH has a tendency to be highly critical of childcare help (not to mention when I had a cleaning service.) Was my nanny sick? Who knows, but it would likely end with her quitting if I decided arbitrarily to doc pay due to her calling in sick.

My extended family is extremely dysfunctional, my mother is addicted to prescribed meds, I have no sisters, all my friends work full time. The fact is, I shouldn't have to hire a live-in because WH doesn't feel like parenting on his "days off."

WH is a loving father who occasionally deals with the day-to-day mundane-ness of parenting. But the reality is I do 90% of their care. However if you asked him he would say it's 50/50. (rolls eyes) He does snuggle and play a lot which was enough to make me happy he was their dad. Now, with this naked display of selfishness and callousness it just doesn't seem worth it. He's back to barely talking to me unless necessary, face is clouded with a frown and irritation, and he stays in his office playing video games all day. I find this ironic since his main complaint to taking care of the kids was he would not have time to study. He's had oodles of time to study but he plays video games.