I am 6 months from BD and 2.5 months from H moving out of our home. It's by far, the most difficult time I have ever endured in my life. And it's so far from over.
Keeping our house is going to be financially difficult going forward. It's a very nice house in a nice neighborhood. I am proud of it. H always wanted bigger and better in most things so I suspect he thinks our house is just ok. He's nuts though.
Unless I get a great paying job, or unless I get a roommate, then I will have to move. I would buy an apt or condo outright with no mortgage and then my pension money would be enough for a decent life. Enough for a trip or two each year, and enough for the most part to do the things I enjoy. Only problem is I gag at my options - small apartments or condos is all I could afford and it's an incredible step down from what I'm used to.
I would find a way to keep the house if I was sure of Standing and sure that I wouldn't go insane over the time it would take to get through this hell. Despite all rotten things H has done, and the incredible pain and misery his MLC has caused me in just a few months, I still think he is worth Standing for. That's how good I believed our connection was and maybe still is in some obscure way.
What's hanging me up about Standing is the complete uncertainty of where this will end up - with my H or without my H - when it's all done.
I've read many things about the reconciliation part of MLC. Most recently read that reconciliations are rare, although I have also read that most MLCers eventually want to come home. Also read that how the spouse handles the later stages of MLC with their spouse determines whether reconciliation is possible.
So what is the truth, generally? Do most come home or is it rare. Before you all jump over me and say,,, never mind about that,,, just GAL etc, it's not that simple.
If I am going to GAL without looking back and with no intention of reconciliation, then I will make very different decisions going forward than I would if I continue to Stand.
Right now, I want to Stand, but H has given me reason to believe at times there is no hope. The sex life - he's now got a huge appetite and likes the depraved side of sex. I can never go for that - just not me at all. Maybe this will subside as MLC winds down but who knows. But this huge incompatibility, if it continues after MLC, is one I don't think we can survive. He's had a taste of living out his sexual fantasies (with OW) and I wonder if that genie can ever be put back in the bottle.
Other than that, I think there would be hope. As you can see I'm very confused on which way to go - stand for an uncertain future or walk away and save myself. The first option means I keep the house and continue to be financially stressed. The second option means I sell the house and get my own small apt that I will have a heck of a time adjusting to. It also means giving up on H and it kills me to contemplate that but he has hurt me very badly.
Just reading that reconciliations are rare has me questioning the wisdom of Standing. I'm old (65) and if I am starting all over from scratch then I need to start now and not when I have almost both feet in the grave. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and lonely. I still have a chance to find love again but how do I fully let go of H to do that?
Just so confused, I am.
Last edited by job; 12/18/1706:08 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
No wonder you feel down. You are making your choices look quite bleak and black and white. Why is moving into a place you can afford and have a nice life giving up on your H? Does he only matter f you can maintain your current standard of living?
What if he came back to your small condo? Would you turn him away? Would it prevent you from selling and finding something you both like or getting s second condo in a warmer clime?
Why the either or? My two best friends are divorce lawyers. One shared a story of a 70-something woman. Her H went nuts and took off with a younger woman. My friend was seriously worried about this woman. Within a couple months one of her kids hooked up with an old classmate online. Within a year she was remarried and happier than ever. Apparently H1 was a real SOB and this woman was quite needy.
You let go of him coming back for two reasons. The first is that you can’t really live a life as if he is never coming back if you are constantly looking over your shoulder and afraid to do anything different or meet anyone new. You also do it so he realizes that you are not standing by on idle waiting for him to come back and the fear of that loss helps him move faster if he is going to.
I do certain things that look like I’m standing, though I don’t believe I am. I haven’t filed for divorce. Lawyer says not to in my case and this is his mess and he gets to man up and clean it up. I don’t do anything to embarrass him. I don’t post sad weepy crap or messages to him on FB, I don’t trick him into thinking I’m seeing someone, I answer when he contacts me, I try to be polite and civil at all times, I just mailed off the kid pics. But, I do these things as much or more for myself as I do for him.
No one thinks you are a sap because you are cycling six months in. No one thinks you should do anything you aren’t ready to do. You don’t have to decide the fate or your marriage now.
What you do need to do is ease your own pain, live your own life, find happiness and joy. Be the person you would have been without him.
You aren’t too old. Whether it’s this man or another, your last chspter isn’t written. Don’t live like the undead waiting for his return.
Thanks OwnIt - I really needed that advice right about now.
Since I posted that, I got a call from my H that ended badly.
First off, he stood me up earlier for something unimportant but the disrespect really rubbed me the wrong way. So I was a bit ticked already but did my best to hide it. Like all the other times I talk to him or see him I am playing a role - that of someone who is doing fine, someone who has recovered from the rejection, someone who no longer feels the pain of enormous loss.. and I'm so exhausted from the effort.
The phone call started off reasonable and we casually chatted. Then moved on to some financial issues we are dealing with which lead me to telling him I need to get a roommate because the search for a condo I can afford is depressing. His reaction to that? "Ok, well I have to go". It's his sign that he doesn't want to hear it. So I immediately said (annoyed) "Bye... and slammed the phone down.
Several calls back from him where I hung up on him each time except the last one. Each call back from him led me to release some more of my anger at my new reality thanks to him. No crying thank God, just anger. I'm so sick of him wanting to avoid the truth of what he's done to me and to my life while he always seems to land on his feet. He apologized for his reaction but said it's hard for him to hear how much his decision has affected me. (Poor baby). He said he thought I was doing fine (that's how good my role playing has been).
This could be the 'last straw' moment for me. Told him that we don't have to do this anymore. No more conversation, no nothing. Everything we must talk about can be done by email. He wants to keep talking and not email. I'm very sure I don't want any more conversation. I don't want to have to choose my words that carefully so he stays blissfully unaware of how his decisions have affected me. Time for me to let him go forever. I'm just DONE.
My reaction is not exactly in the LBS handbook for Standers but I no longer care. I just realized with this phone call that I am not strong enough to be a Stander for the next 5 - 7 years. I'd rather blast him with my honest emotions than play all nicey-nice while he enjoys his 'new life'.
Right now I just want to feel some peace and contentment - which means I want him gone from my life entirely. Zero connection as quickly as I can. That idiot doesn't deserve me - never did and never will.
None of this was helped by the fact that earlier today I attempted to put up the Christmas tree. A nice pre-lit artificial tree. Except I couldn't get the lights working so eventually just gave up. My mood was pretty sad too, as putting up a Christmas tree isn't something that one should do alone.
I am a fellow journeyman in this land of indecision. I too don’t know what to do from here. I’m trying to be okay with that. I figure that I am under no external pressure to decide. I can make up my mind when I want.
No, it’s not a comfortable place to be, but I’ve been through worse—we both have. Take it easy on yourself. Seek out some wise counsel. Ask for help from your higher power. Take your time until you are consistently confident in a certain direction.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you Gordie - you are further along than I am but did you ever get to the point where I am today - just completely fed up with the whole mess and wanting to end all contact as soon as possible?
For me to survive and really detach and let go, I can't be in 'maybe' land.
If I decide not to make any decision right now about the marriage, then I will continue to hold onto hope. That little glimmer of hope is killing me. I find it impossible not to have expectations if I have hope. I have to give it up completely and not look back. Then I will be able to fully move forward with getting my own life on track. I sure won't miss this MLC nightmare, that's for sure.
I go to Sunday service every week and always pray for help and guidance. Maybe what happened today is His way of telling me it's time to completely disconnect and completely let go. If not, then so much for His guidance - I completely missed the message!
Gal, please read Leah's thread. You and she have a lot in common. Lots of mood swinging between trying and throwing in the towel.
I'm not going to wade into the hope discussion again. People feel strongly about this. I will say that in general you have to let go of the idea of him coming back. Maybe think of it as a door, but perhaps one that is locked but not deadbolted. If you do retain your hope or whatever it is, you likely will continue to suffer.
My H rages at me and punishes me financially every single time I tell him something he does not want to hear. For e.g., D won't see him or the kids are hurting (or in S's case, hurting himself), or are having problems in school. I have learned to communicate with him in very bland language and to use the passive voice to avoid him believing that I am blaming him. The hysterical thing is that he will often call me passive aggressive for doing this, even though I'm doing so to avoid his monster.
It's actually good that he wants to talk on the phone. Far more personal than the texts or emails I never get anymore (though I truly have no desire to speak to mine). Find a picture of someone in your head that you are polite to, but distant, and think of that person when you deal with him (for me it is often an opposing counsel that I do not like).
As Gordie noted, until the path is clear, repeatable, and (I'm going to add) stated to third parties with no tears or sadness, stop the standing or going talk. Just live your life. Make your choices, deal with the logistics you have to face. Work through the sadness, the tears, mourn the future you envisioned and as much as you can dream about the one you could have for yourself focusing on the parts you control.
The rapid cycling you are experiencing is like standing in the ocean. The waves are fast and furious in the beginning, over time the amplitude lessons and the frequency of the next wave lengthens. It really does.
Yes, I have gotten to the point of wanting the pain to stop. That is totally reasonable. You have to remind yourself that the pain is temporary. It’s like a young child who has broken her arm. To her, the pain is agonizing and it is, but as an adult you know it is temporary and it will fully heal in weeks or months.
No, I have not gotten to the point of wanting her totally out of my life but that’s because we have a lot of children together and due to their ages we will be enmeshed for a very long time.
Re hope. There’s a lot on these pages about that wicked four letter word—hope. I understand it’s power in my life...and pain. But I continue to see hope as a good thing in one’s life, as long as it is tempered with reality which can be pretty soul crushing at times.
Continue to seek His guidance. I struggle with that too. Is anybody listening to my prayers? I guess that’s where faith kicks in.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You are strong enough to do whatever YOU decide to do for how ever many years YOU decide to do it. The beauty of it all is that you don't have to decide on anything concrete right now.
I have also struggled with determining what His plan is for all of this. Then I realized something...if He is telling me to do something then I won't doubt it. There won't be any maybe's in it at all.
Just my take on it and hopefully it helps to know that you aren't the only one struggling with any one particular thing.
Gordie, thank god the pain is only temporary but the quality of my future will be permanently affected. ie. Downgrading and downsizing my home, having to be so careful about spending, and possibly living alone without that special connection to someone for the rest of my life.
Hunny - you are right about everything you said.
Thanks to both of you for your inspiration - without that I wonder if I would make it.
