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Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907473
11/02/20 09:41 PM
11/02/20 09:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
AS,

I need to make this my mantra! Autopilot needs to stay disengaged. Active participation mode needs to stay activated.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's a lot of work. But so is marriage, a lot of us ended up here in the first place because we thought autopilot was fine when we should have been active participants!


I was looking for the update to your SIT. I was keeping up with it, then I lost it. I need to catch up on it.


I actually haven't posted much about my sitch in a while. Everything is really great, I'm loving life! Very content and happy despite the hot mess this year has been for all of us. My XW and I get along great. We get together for dinner now and then with one or more of the kids. Oldest D is working in Dallas and living in XW's upstairs area. Younger D is in physician's assistant school and doing really well. She's also engaged. S is a senior in high school, just started driving on his own and has a job now. Things are going poorly at my job, work is very slow. That's the one dark spot. Hopefully it'll turn around. I'm still dating the same young lady, it's been almost 6 years now (on and off). She lives almost 2 hours away now due to her work. Covid has really screwed up the stuff we normally love to do together- art shows, museums, haunted houses and such. So we've been working on ceramic sculpting (I bought a kiln about a year ago). Just started riding motorcycles again with a neighborhood group, I had forgotten how much I missed it! Thanks for asking smile


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907572
11/03/20 07:58 PM
11/03/20 07:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,107
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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San Antonio, Texas
AS,

You're awesome!!! I'm glad to hear you are doing so good. I'm glad to hear the kids getting along so well. I guess we need to watch ourselves on the road here in Texas. Another Teenage hitting the road (JK). That's awesome you and your XW are coming together for the kids, I know they probably enjoy and loving being apart of that.

Yeah, Covid has turned everything upside down. I don't know what or who to believe sometimes.

I hope your job picks up soon.

Lastly, glad that you and your GF have worked things out. What kind of bike do you have? I want to get a Fat bob or Street rod. Don't have that kind of money at the moment to spend on a awesome bike like that at the moment. But it's on my bucket list.


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907665
11/04/20 07:05 PM
11/04/20 07:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
I guess we need to watch ourselves on the road here in Texas. Another Teenage hitting the road (JK).


Believe me, my kids on the road is one of the few things that really stresses me out in life! And it's not them I worry about, it's the handful of imbeciles out there that make driving tough enough for skilled and experienced drivers, but treacherous for new drivers.

Quote
That's awesome you and your XW are coming together for the kids, I know they probably enjoy and loving being apart of that.


I know not everyone is on board with being friends with their ex, but I really feel like it helped the kids accept things and move past them. And as time has gone on XW has become more and more like the woman I remember her to be back when we were married. I think she enjoys being independent and don't get the sense that she has any regrets about the D, and I'm cool with that now. She's happy and I think that's great.

Quote
What kind of bike do you have? I want to get a Fat bob or Street rod.


Both are great choices! I have had a lifetime love affair with motorcycling smile From a very early age (4 maybe?) I thought of little else. I was ten before I finally convinced my parents to let me buy a roached out Honda for 50 bucks. I spent hours staring lovingly at it in the garage, LOL! I've had more bikes over the years than I could possibly count. I have 4 right now, an 07 hopped up Street Glide that is my go-to for long distance riding, a Sportster that I bought new in 92 and have heavily modified, a 2000 Buell X-1 (American sport bike with Harley motor) that is also heavily modified, and a 73 Honda CB750 that is (you guessed it) heavily modified. The Honda I bought in the early 80's when I was in college. Have you ridden in the past and are wanting to get back into it or would this be something new for you?


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907675
11/04/20 07:51 PM
11/04/20 07:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,107
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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AS,

I think your personality and how you view the world shines through in the type of relationship you have with your wife now. You detaching with love advice, has allowed me on many occasions to walk away from situations where I would have blown up before, and that's with my W, kids, co-workers and friends. It's IMO one of the most important concepts for a LBS on this board, right along with Sandi's (not allowing disrespect and gaining respect concepts).

I had a crouch rocket (Suzuki SV1000S). I loved that bike, but I had to sell during some hard times. Also it wasn't a comfortable ride in San Antonio traffic. I need/want a cruiser. Something, i can just chill and glide on, on Fridays and the Weekends.


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907750
11/05/20 06:47 PM
11/05/20 06:47 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
You detaching with love advice, has allowed me on many occasions to walk away from situations where I would have blown up before, and that's with my W, kids, co-workers and friends.


Thank you, that's very kind of you! Glad I helped in some small way smile

Quote
I had a crouch rocket (Suzuki SV1000S). I loved that bike, but I had to sell during some hard times. Also it wasn't a comfortable ride in San Antonio traffic. I need/want a cruiser. Something, i can just chill and glide on, on Fridays and the Weekends.


Oh man yeah, those SV's are quite the hot rods! Of the two you are thinking about, I think the Fat Bob sounds more like what you're looking for. The Street Rod is a fun bike for sure, it's smaller and more nimble. If you're going to be driving in traffic a lot it might be better. But if you want to get out on the open road and just relax and ride, the Fat Bob is hard to beat. My Sportster is a fun "bar hopper" but it's miserable to take on the freeway for very long. The Street Rod is better on the freeway than a Sportster (less vibration, less heat because it's water cooled, better behaved) but it's kind of in-between a Sportster and big twin. If you end up getting one we'll have to try and get together for a ride! I need to head that way to visit my brother (in Austin) anyway.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907760
11/05/20 07:35 PM
11/05/20 07:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,107
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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AS,

Yeah, I will let you know if I get one. I was in Austin two weekends ago. Went on a boat ride on the southside of downtown, went to a zombie paint ball shoot and we went to eat Gus's Famous Fried chicken (it's so goooooood). Let me know when you are heading to Austin.

Yeah I was leaning towards to fatboy more, but it's a lot more than the Street Rod. It's a 40 minute drive to and from work. So I rather be comfortable at all cost. One of the reasons I could ride the SV because it would get so hot, and in the summer heat of San Antonio, I was basically sitting on a super fast Sauna.


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2908449
11/13/20 11:33 PM
11/13/20 11:33 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
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Hey Joe! Guess what I did today? Read back over your old threads. I wish every LBS would read your story, b/c you are very candid about your emotional struggles during the reconciling/piecing. It's like the LBS is consumed on just getting their WS back, and they don't process some the natural feelings that come when you been so utterly betrayed. Then when they are reconciling/piecing, the anger, resentment, vindictiveness shows up. We even see some LBS become WAS during this piecing stage, b/c they can't deal the delayed emotions. I encourage all couples to find a professional therapist who is experienced in healing after an affair. There are some MC that aren't worth the money you pay, but keep searching till you get the right one. This piecing stuff is hard, and any LBS who thinks things will fall back into place once the WS ends an affair, or comes back from a separation........is going to be shocked by their own delayed emotions.

With that said, I want to ask you a question, and I may stir up something, but let's think about it. Some authors, including MWD, says the LBS should ask any & all questions about the affair. I have seen some cases where the LBS asked for details about the sex, etc., and then could not free their minds of the scenes that were painted. So, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to get the dirty details.

Another question is........do you hold your recovering WW responsible for your emotional healing? When you have triggers and these old feelings rear their ugly heads, you talk to your W about it, right? She tries to reassure you, right? I'm glad to know the two of you are able to talk about the hard stuff.......(and I think it's terrific you are having sex. btw). I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm just asking a question from LBS's. If we are responsible for our own happiness, are we also responsible for our own healing? Do you hold your recovering WS accountable or responsible for your healing.......or the pace in which you heal?

Now, FWIW, I want to assure all LBS's that if their WS truly repents of their waywardness.......you know, is remorseful and humble (which remorse without humility is not worth a pinch of salt, IMHO), and agrees to do whatever is necessary to save the M, s/he will feel the pain of shame, regret, embarrassment, and other forms of fallout from the wayward actions. The WS not only has to atone for their cheating/betrayal, but will need to do a complete overhaul on their heart/mindset. The WS is held responsible for their wayward actions, and the destruction it causes. Usually, the WS is left feeling confused, hopeless, and/or depressed. The weight of responsibility is a bitter to swallow, and although the LBS may have played a part in the initial breakdown of the MR, the cheater cannot place blame the other person for the wayward conduct. The burden of proof (transparency) is on the WS, not the LBS. The WS also has to find forgiveness for the LBS, for their part of the breakdown in the MR. Whether or not the LBS thinks it right or wrong, the WS needs healing, also. It may not look the same as that of the LBS, but if the MR is to be well & happy, healing has to come for both spouses. The WS doesn't escape emotional pain. They have their own brand of triggers, that causes fresh guilt and sorrow to rise, and finding forgiveness for themselves seems impossible.

I'm not trying to gather sympathy for any WS. Not very many WS's come to the board, much less explain some of the things they had to go through as they travel the road to piecing their MR back together. The LBS suffers greatly, and it takes time and hard work to rebuild a solid MR. They have good reason for how they feel. I just wanted everyone to know that the WS doesn't escape scot-free.

BTW, Joe, continue the great job!! You two are going to make it!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: sandi2] #2908682
11/16/20 06:13 PM
11/16/20 06:13 PM
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San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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No problem Sandi, I will answer your questions.

Originally Posted by sandi2
With that said, I want to ask you a question, and I may stir up something, but let's think about it. Some authors, including MWD, says the LBS should ask any & all questions about the affair. I have seen some cases where the LBS asked for details about the sex, etc., and then could not free their minds of the scenes that were painted. So, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to get the dirty details.


I wanted to know all the details, I didn't want any crumbs coming back up and I didn't want no additional curiosity happening. But I will say, my curiosity was never satisfied. I always found more questions or asked the same questions in a different form. I had to force myself to try and stop looking for more. I also, saw and read things that haunt me to this day. But the triggers are far and between. I know some people that only need to know if their spouse committed the act and they are good. I wasn't that kind of person. If you are a LBS and you know you won't be able to get pass the visuals, I would recommend just getting the surface info. The thoughts can become so consuming it hinders your every waking thoughts.

Originally Posted by sandi2
Another question is........do you hold your recovering WW responsible for your emotional healing? When you have triggers and these old feelings rear their ugly heads, you talk to your W about it, right? She tries to reassure you, right? I'm glad to know the two of you are able to talk about the hard stuff.......(and I think it's terrific you are having sex. btw). I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm just asking a question from LBS's. If we are responsible for our own happiness, are we also responsible for our own healing? Do you hold your recovering WS accountable or responsible for your healing.......or the pace in which you heal?


It's not my W job to make me happy. We have learned that is not up to another person to make you happy. Putting that type of expectation on another person is too overwhelming and that expectation was part of our downfall. We have worked to make our own selves happy. That has helped to take some expectations off of one another. Doing that has also allowed us to open up more and with better transparency. We are also responsible for our own healing. Your Spouse, can't stop you from seeing vivid thoughts, they can't stop you from asking questions and becoming curious. At some point as a LBS DECIDING to RECON, you have to accept that you are willing to be all in or all out, and part of that is accepting your role and the downfall and working on those areas. If I decided to only worry about trying to FIX my W, we would still be where we were before the Summer of 2017.

Originally Posted by sandi2
Now, FWIW, I want to assure all LBS's that if their WS truly repents of their waywardness.......you know, is remorseful and humble (which remorse without humility is not worth a pinch of salt, IMHO), and agrees to do whatever is necessary to save the M, s/he will feel the pain of shame, regret, embarrassment, and other forms of fallout from the wayward actions. The WS not only has to atone for their cheating/betrayal, but will need to do a complete overhaul on their heart/mindset. The WS is held responsible for their wayward actions, and the destruction it causes. Usually, the WS is left feeling confused, hopeless, and/or depressed. The weight of responsibility is a bitter to swallow, and although the LBS may have played a part in the initial breakdown of the MR, the cheater cannot place blame the other person for the wayward conduct. The burden of proof (transparency) is on the WS, not the LBS. The WS also has to find forgiveness for the LBS, for their part of the breakdown in the MR. Whether or not the LBS thinks it right or wrong, the WS needs healing, also. It may not look the same as that of the LBS, but if the MR is to be well & happy, healing has to come for both spouses. The WS doesn't escape emotional pain. They have their own brand of triggers, that causes fresh guilt and sorrow to rise, and finding forgiveness for themselves seems impossible.


My W has sometimes found it hard to forgive my actions and how I treated her before her Affair, sometimes she get triggers by some of my actions and reactions to some of her request. She has worked hard on not seeing my as the man before the Summer of 2017 and see me as the man I am now. She has struggle with regret and knowing that shes an adulterous. But she has worked hard on forgiving herself and recognizing what has caused her to get to such a low point, where she would allow herself to stray. My wife has been super transparent and helpful with helping me heal. But she also knows, that my healing is my own journey.

I'll give an example of how my W has helped and she did not knowingly do so. So I have a friend who's dealing with a WW. He really wants the Marriage to work, I have been giving him advice. I told him everything about our situation and my W didn't get upset or embarrassed. I asked my W would she be willing to talk to him. (She has accepted that she can't go back and change the past, but she can work to prevent it in the future). But she sat on the phone with my Friend for almost two hours listening to him and letting him ask her questions about where she thought his WW, frame of mind might be at. I found that something that helped us getting even closer.

We have had some arguments, but we have developed healthy ways to work our way though them. I don't know the future, but i now have tools to help me navigate what ever may happens.

We have been to two MC, one was horrible, she kept telling us about her problems and her life. And the second was good, but she just up and ghosted us. We worked with her for about 4 or 5 months, she would come to our home and provide counseling, and one day, we had an appointment and she didn't show up, she didn't answer her phone, text or emails. And we haven't heard from her since. She was really good thou. We are looking for a new counselor now.

Sandi, I hope these answers help.


M:36 W:36
T:11 M:10
S16, S12, S9, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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