Hello all. This forum has been helping keep my sanity and have some degree of hope. Wife returned from a 9 month deployment about a month ago. One week after being home she tells me she wants a divorce. Her reason for the divorce according to her is because she can't forgive me for something I did almost a year ago.
A little background information. Of the past 18 months my wife has been gone away from home for about 15 months. She spent April-September of 2016 away for extended training in another part of the country. I got to see her only twice during that period of time. During her time away training we would frequently get into phone fights about various things. Prior to that I can honestly say I had the best wife ever. We started fighting about petty things. Admittedly she was really stressed during this period of time due to being away from home and our small children. In October of 2016 I found out that she was having secret conversations on FB messenger late at night. FB has a messenger program that allows messages to be sent secretly and the messages will self erase after a period of time. Of note, her and I always had the codes to each others phones, email, etc. We never hid anything from each other. We had no reason to. I was in her phone honestly looking for some unrelated information and stumbled across the message.
I confronted her about the messages and she said she was having conversations with this guy because he would "listen to me" This guy was on the extended training with her from April-September of 2016. She said he knows all about me and its innocent. I asked why the secret messages and she said thats how he wanted to communicate because he didn't want his wife to find out and cause problems.
So at this point from October 2016 until she deployed in JAN of 2017 we started to have more and more problems because her behavior towards me changed and I became insecure about myself and our relationship as a result of the secret messaging.
The reason she says she can't trust me is due to the fact that about 2 weeks after I found the messages her and I got into a big fight (not physical). She called the police on me and I lost it. The police made her leave the house and not me. In the meantime I had her cell phone and proceeded to lock her out of all of her personal accounts, our joint accounts, all email etc. I did this stupidly out of rage and insecurity. I did it thinking I could find more proof of possible cheating and I didn't want her to destroy any information, records, etc. The following day when she came home I gave her her phone back and returned all the passwords to all of the accounts to what they were originally.
From November 2016 until she deployed in in January of 2017 we had up and down days. I went to counseling on my own because she refused to go with me. I implored her to go to counseling because I didn't want her deploying and we have issues still lingering. She refused to go because she said nothing was wrong with her. During the 9 month deployment we had good and bad days. Some days still centered around the guy from FB because he deployed with her. We would argue about once every two weeks. However, during the deployment she would be up and down with her words. Some days she was really nice and encouraging saying we would be fine and could work things out and other days she would be cold and standoffish. 2 weeks before returning from deployment she sent me an emotional message letting me know we would be just fine, will work through our problems and she was willing to go to counseling.
One week after returning from deployment we came home from the store and she motioned me to come into the bedroom. I thought it was for sex. Nope, thats when she dropped the bomb on me. She said she can't get over me locking her out off all the accounts and that she doesn't trust me. Also went on to say she longer feels comfortable talking about serious things with me. Also stated she felt trapped and was exhausted trying to work on the marriage. I asked her about counseling and she declined.
I was already living out of the house about 2 hours away in another city because the military moved me just before she came home from deployment. The plan was for her and our children to follow me down after her deployment. She's now refusing. Told me she doesn't want me coming to the house that I have to have the kids visit with me in the city I now live in 2 hours away. Stopped wearing her ring and has aggressively started towards divorce. She has already moved money out of accounts to new accounts I don't have access to. She split everything evenly. During the past two weeks since I have been away from her I saw her once. I went to visit the kids and spent the night there on a Saturday before her and the kids went on a last minute cruise she booked. Strangely though she contacts me daily for everything from how we are going to proceed with the divorce to simple things that would make one think we are still together. Heck, in fact today she asked me what time I wanted to eat dinner on Thanksgiving and what kind of green vegetables I wanted her to cook.
I have read all the post's about the 37 rules, last resort, detaching etc. I have even had 2 phone sessions with Chuck and I bought 2 of Michele's books.
Not sure if any of this even makes sense to you guys but I'm reaching out for advice. I don't initiate contact with her unless it's something important or about the kids.
Any advice or questions from the group are appreciated. Please respond Cadet, Sandi, Accuracy, Wonka and other vets of the group.
Married 8 years together 9 Me 40 her 35 5 kids between the two of us. I have 2 from my first marriage and she had one. 2 of the 5 kids we had together with each other: 4 and 5 year old girls. Oldest daughter is 17 ( I adopted her after we married because the dad was a dead beat AWOL dad) My 2 sons from my previous marriage are 14 and 11. This is her second marriage as well
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Her bringing up the situation with you locking her out of her phone is a decoy. I would get your mind prepared for her possibly being in a PA. You are ready know she was in a EA.
If she is pursuing D, then going NC is the best move for you. IMHO. Don't try to talk her out of it, let her do all the work. Just let her know, that you are wanting the M to work, but won't stand in her way.
What are the things she has said that made her what to leave the M?
The information you get from Chuck and the information you get on this board will conflict from time to time. You know your W and you have to discern what works best for you sitch. You are going to have to try things and evaluate how they work or don't work and keep a journal or strong mental note on what the effects were. One of the sayings, especially from Sandi is , "Do what works". Only you will know what works and don't work.
From what I have read, your W, has spent more time around this OM, than she has with you and you'll family. IMO, her and this OM have developed a bond. Your W has to know you won't tolerate and open M. So, your W has to understand what she is losing if she loses you.
Stop talking to her about the M and the R. Stop asking her to go to counseling. You go on your own, when she is ready to go she will let you know.
Also, if you haven't told her you want tolerate her talking to the OM, tell her this once, in a calm and stern voice. Don't be begging and crying. You have to make this statement from a strong stance. Once you say, don't get drawn into an argument. Your stance on this is not up for debate.
This is a not a sprint it's a marathon, get ready for the roller coaster ride and buckle in tight.
There are some great people on this forum.
From my perspective, the hardest concepts to get down, are detaching (with love) and doing 180s. I read the threads to those as much as can. Refresh yourself on these as much as you can.
180s are for yourself, please remember that, they are not to win your W back. If your 180s are done right, she will notice your changes and want to come back on her own. Your are doing 180s to correct the problems you created in the M, so you can become a better person.
Detaching with love, is you letting go of your W and to notion that the only outcome is the M working out. Only then can you fully move forward and become healthier. You don't become mean, bitter, disrespectful, look for other women, or push your W away. You just let go and GAL (Get a Life). You take a deep look at yourself and problems you cause in the M, and do a deep self reflection on what has caused you to become the man you are at this point. (You are becoming a person only a fool would leave).
A lot of men on here, have what is called the NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome). Read those books with the one's you have already from MWD (Michele Weaner Davis). What most of us realized is we have this NGS. Start to work on fixing these issues as well.
Love on your children harder. IMO, this is a time to strengthen your bond with your children. Find ways to do things with them without your W. Make moments with them they will never forget. Also, never let them see you down, or involved them in the problems of your M. Let them be kids and protect from the chaotic problems at the moment. Your W is still their mother and that can't be changed. Don't try to ruin those relationship out of pain she has caused you.
Stay strong, and begin DBing (Divorce Busting). We will be here when you need us.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/26/1710:26 PM. Reason: Books
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I spent Thanksgiving at the house with her and the kids. During the day she was pleasant and it seemed like she was my wife and we had no problems. She did all the normal things for me that she would usually do. Her mood quickly changed at about 6 in the evening. We both were casually talking about going out shopping for stuff for the kids. I loosely recommended that maybe we could go together to get stuff for the kids. She quickly lashed out at me and said "I'm not going shopping with you like everything is ok. We won't be doing this in the future so we no need in doing it now." I could tell she was really itching to get out of the house. After that flare up I told her I was heading back to my apartment 2 hours away so I wouldn't be in her space and making her feel "awkward "I told her I we would just tell the kids I got called into work unexpectedly. I'm work in the medical profession so that would not be unbelievable to the kids. She quickly said "No, I'll just go stay at a hotel" I found that interesting considering how she seemed like she really wanted to get out of the house. After a bit of back and forth between us she said she was going to go to bed but she also told me she was going shopping early in the morning so I need to be prepared to take care of the kids early. She left at about 6 and came home just after 11. Before she came home she asked me if I needed her to bring me anything. I said no and she then asked what I was doing. After she came home I told her I was going out to the mall. She seemed shocked and almost disappointed that I was leaving right as she was coming home. I ended up going to the mall and seeing a movie 2 hours away where my apartment is. I was trying to practice detaching and staying out of her presence because that's what she said she wanted. She text me while I was in the movies asking if I was coming home for the night. I told her no and she went into attack mode telling me how I am a bad father for not coming home and being with my kids.
Why in the world would she care if I came home or not?
Why does she offer little things her and there for me if she wants to be divorced? I mean she asked me what time I wanted to eat on Thanksgiving, what dessert I wanted and what type of green vegetables. I think that's just odd seeing how she wants to be divorced as soon as she possibly can.
Another odd thing is she has text me everyday since she dropped the bomb on me which was Halloween. Some texts are discussing the divorce and others are general small talk. Again, I think this is weird considering how she wants me to be out of her space and wants a divorce.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but it is a blessing that you did. You will receive advice from people that have seen this a thousand time and been through it themselves. It's up to you if you listen to them, I recommend you do. Right now, you have A LOT of homework to do and I recommend detaching and going dark until you have a foundation of knowledge and a plan with an honest assessment of where you stand. You're confused and in denial of the seriousness of your wife actions and capabilities. Read Cadet's links. This is going to be hard, it won't be over soon, and it is going to get worse before it gets better. But, it does get better, there is hope, and you CAN do this. IMHO, at this point in your marriage, you can only do harm to the sitch. You can't fix this yet. You need to read Cadet's links. Buy the books. There is a long road in front of you so don't feel like you can/should fix this ASAP, but you do need to get started ASAP. Did I mention read Cadet's link? We're here for you. Use this as a place to vent your anger, pain, confusion, hopes, doubts, fears, whatever. We're her for you. May god carry you through.
I appreciate your reply. That's just it, I am aware of my wife's seriousness and capabilities and honestly sometimes it scares me. She is a strong willed person and has proven in the past she can walk away from someone or a situation without hesitation. I just get confused on why she is polite at times the way she is. Last night I had to go back to the house to get our S14 and bring him back with me. He is living with me because the plan before she came back from deployment was for S14 to start his freshman year of HS with me. W was supposed to come back from deployment and move down here with me in the summer after our D17 graduates from high school. I digressed. Anyways, last night we went out to a fast-food restaurant and dined in. She sat directly next to me and was leaning in on me showing me pictures of her and our D's 4&5 from the cruise they just came from. She was polite and didn't come off as wanting out of her space. Fast forward to today. I told her I was going to get on the road headed back to the apartment at a specific time. Well I didn't leave at the exact time I said I would. She came into our bedroom and "hey, I just checked GPS and it looks like traffic is really backing up. I don't want you on the road getting tied up in traffic and having problems" She came off sounding loving and concerned vs a woman who wants a D ASAP. I gathered the last few things I needed to take with me and was preparing to leave out the door. I gave our little D's each and kiss and I told the W "I'll see you later" as I was walking out the door. She replied "OK, please be safe" but again in a loving and concerned tone. She's doing things that indicate she's working fast at the D but I still struggle with how she contacts me daily and is pleasant with me the majority of the time. From most of the posts I've read the majority of the WAW's seem to disappear and go radio silent on the LBH's.
I live I SA. I'm in the Army and I'm stationed here. Why do you live 2 hours away. Do you and your wife have different MOS?
You need to believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Listen, IMO your W, ushered you out the door the other day so she could spend time with her OM, either on the phone or somehow in person. She knows if she is nice about thimgs she gets a better reaction oit of you. So her being concerned about traffic is a ploy.
Don't read to much into the texts. Until your W says she wants to work on the M and breaks it off with OM, her text dont mean much, unless its about the kids.
WWs are slick and cunning, my wife was as well. Start DBing now. No R or M talk. Lovinly detach, do 180s, and GAL. All of these concepts takes time to learn, so start now. You will have hicupps, so be prepared. When you call, get right back up and start over. You will have set backs, you DB good for days or weeks and you will have one slip up. Don't worry, dust yourself off and het to DBing again.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I have to agree with joejoe, my XWW is still phoning me to check up on me. As though she needs to make sure that i'm still somehow thinking about her. Can't even recall her name... lol
The WS needs to know that they are wanted. If they are not wanted by you, then they have no reason to fight for your attention. Give them no attention, you cannot understand the reasons why they do things, so take them at face value only. She acts nice, then thats what it is - her ACTING nicely.
You then act nice too, acting nice should be your persona at all times.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Oh my........another family with five kids, and a W that wants to split.
The first thing I will tell you is to take every "excuse" she gives you for her distancing, or her turning to other men, or whatever.......as complete b.s. Your W is cheating. She will scrape together anything she can think of to blame you for her current behavior. Don't buy into it. Those are the actions of a W who wants out of her M, b/c she is cheating.
You will be better off if you won't try to read into her actions, b/c she's just like a needle & thread in stitch work...........up, down, around, pull through and repeat. She will drive you crazy watching her ever changing moods and actions. Don't put much stock into her short bursts of more pleasant "nice" moments. They won't last, as long as she has another guy in her head.
Do not take responsibility for her turning to another man to "talk".......or anything else. She could have found a female who would "listen to her". Women choose to cheat, and much as they want to justify it by the bad actions of their H.........it just does not equate to cheating. You mentioned her strong will. She also has free will, and you have not made her do anything she didn't want.
This is probably going to take a long time, so strap in for the ride of your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
