I have broke away from my old thread, as I'm spinning. I think Mrs Huddy may be reading, so, hello.
I've reached a crossroads, and I'm looking for an insight in to a Female/Woman/Lady/Girl who has been through MLC, come out the other side, and survived to give me some vital clues.
I am good friends with a former member of this parish, who has now D'd and is moving on (I won't tell you the name as it may cause some members on here to want to arm themselves with pitchforks!). I told him I had found some topless pictures of my wife on the kids computer, that had upset me greatly. He pointed me towards another website (CL) and it makes a lot of sense. The phrases she used, the actions she's taken, makes me think that I am getting to the stage of no return.
I'm thinking of a D. I don't want to, but I can't keep living like this. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my days. Sadly, I have gone snooping. It's easy, as my W can't handle a computer or cloud storage properly, so she doesn't know what she's doing.
From what I can see, she takes daily pictures of herself at all hours of the day and night. Most of these are plain pictures of her face, showing off her whitened teeth. She still looks as beautiful as the day I met her.
Some of the pictures are of her in her underwear. These are all selfies, but the main feature is the teeth. The third batch id pictures of her newly reconfigured boobs. I can still see visible scaring, but the shots are not alluring, in say, a porn way, but snaps taken laid down etc. There is also animation of her moving her lips. I know she has also joined a burlesque dance troupe, which is also a keep fit class.
I still get projection levelled at me. I called the kids the other week and I was told how I had let my son do something, and how W was getting no sleep as the kids were constantly in her bed etc.
So, I'm asking for help from the gentler sex as to what this means? I don't really want to D - I still love this woman. It goes against everything I have read on CL, but I can't keep going on. I miss the intimacy of being with another woman, and I get lonely. I do have a life of sorts - I went for a weekend away last week, had a great time and got merrily drunk, but when it comes to 'dating', I can't seal the deal. I put a profile up, and within minutes I take it down. I even went on one of those awful fuckbuddy type sites, but couldn't even se that one through.
I wonder if this is some kind of stage of depression/acceptance, or if I'm just being lined up for a fall? My mind is mush. The ex member of this parish sent me a message the other day saying how he now has a girlfriend. I'm really happy for him, but, it does make me realise I'm getting left behind on the life trail.
I've got my beautiful kids with me today after we went to a fireworks party last night, so, I'll dip in and out during the day to see if I have any responses or 2x4's.
I can forgive anything (even though the thoughts of my W being with another man makes me sick to the pit of my stomach), but it's pointless waiting if there is nothing to wait for.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I'm sorry things haven't improved WRT your W and that you are struggling to move forwards. I'm going to offer a little 2x4 but it's a fluffy one okay?
If you look back over my posts on your thread - I wouldn't offer you any different advice to what I have offered already. I still think you may be looking for the 'magic bullet' here.
I think the central problem in your situation may be within rather then without. The critical thing is to work on the central premise of - I only get to control me.
In my situation, the worst marital outcome happened. XH D'd me and remains with OW in so far as I know. But here's the thing - though I was married to him, I didn't get to choose his choices. He chose them. And the choices he made, made a life together for us untenable. So, given his choices, I then made mine - and so life moved forwards.
This is what keeping the focus on you really means - accepting others will do what they will do - and living your life as best you can - and giving your best from wherever you are at each day (as Cali once said in a similar vein.)
That's all we can do Huddy - become the best us we can 'for us' and for our nearest and dearest too - whatever our WAS may be doing, choosing, deciding - all of that is up to them.
As for whether it is time to file for D - that's for you to choose. I can't really advise and it's such a personal choice. XH made that choice for us so I never got to that stage.
So my main advice would be - go back through your thread. Re-read what has already been posted to you. Start with a beginners mind and move forward from there.
Take care Huddy and I hope this is of help to you :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm not a member of the gentler sex but thought I might chime in on your new thread.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
I've reached a crossroads, and I'm looking for an insight in to a Female/Woman/Lady/Girl who has been through MLC, come out the other side, and survived to give me some vital clues.
From the reading I have done, there are two main paths out of the dark woods of MLC. The main one is where they find a new life and leave the old one behind. Another, far less used is where they wander home. If you check in the MLC reading there are posts by AmyC that show about one woman who followed the path less used. That path though requires massive patience and humility from both the WS and LBS. Most people are not strong enough for that. Knowing her as you do, do you think that she possesses that sort of strength?
Originally Posted By: Huddy
From what I can see, she takes daily pictures of herself at all hours of the day and night.
It's all about her and the superficial. You don't exist in that world.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
I can't keep going on. I miss the intimacy of being with another woman, and I get lonely. I do have a life of sorts - I went for a weekend away last week, had a great time and got merrily drunk, but when it comes to 'dating', I can't seal the deal. I put a profile up, and within minutes I take it down. I even went on one of those awful fuckbuddy type sites, but couldn't even se that one through.
Even though I well know that feeling of emptiness and need there is no need to rush. I have similar issues and have also checked out online dating and also quickly took my profile down and have decided that it is best for all concerned to be as healthy as I can be and to not rush into anything. You're not getting left behind. This isn't a race and we aren't all walking the same path.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
I can forgive anything (even though the thoughts of my W being with another man makes me sick to the pit of my stomach), but it's pointless waiting if there is nothing to wait for.
This is a tough question. One of the people who helped me on my journey - it was either Jack or Eric told me once that I needed to make my choice each and every day and that when I was done that if I chose to be done waiting that was good. I'd suggest you may want to think of a similar attitude. Don't think out too far. Try to not overthink. If and when you decide you are done, you'll know it in your bones. First and foremost though. This is about you and your children. The boobs and teeth that you refer to as Mrs Huddy are beyond your control to influence.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Huddy, im going to offer some 4 x 2s here brother, move forward with your life. The woman you knew is gone and she may or not come back. You control you and only you. Stop snopping because you will not like what you find. She has made a choice to live her life without you as her partner and that her choice.
What do you really want for you ? You can wait to see if she comes back or move forward. Moving forward offers you a life for you.
It took me a long time to move forward and i can honestly say im in a better place. Once I decided i was worth more than who exw had become. I know you loved your W but do you love her now or the memory of sho she was.
You get one life , live it and enjoy it. And the big thing to remember is you control you , if you want the marriage to define the rest of youf life then you decide that , no one else.
It's tough for sure Huddy. I think the big thing is to replace the big hole that her departure left with some new stuff. Not dating - nothing to do with that. But other stuff that gets you out and about and ideally doing things with others - sports club, book group, dancing model train building - whatever floats your boat really.
Then you start to see that there is a life beyond what has happened, and it has some enjoyable aspects and the hole doesn't feel so big - and you focus a little less on your marital situation and life moves forward some more...
That's what I think anyway Huddy....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Patient: Doctor - it hurts when I lift my arm like this. Doctor: Well stop doing that then.
(pause for laughter / groans)
There are things you are doing to yourself that are causing you pain. Watching her social media for example. It's easy for me to say "stop doing that" because it took me a long time - and a lot of pain - to stop. Part of what helped me with that because I felt that I "needed to keep an eye on her" was to have a trusted friend stay connected.
We talk here about "dropping the rope" which sounds simple but is hard. For me, I thought of it more as "disentangling". Each of the countless threads that bound me to her were removed. One by one. Removing them sometimes left me feeling lost and confused. Sometimes it hurt to remove them.
So if you can't do it all at once, try it one step at a time.
For the kids there are tools you can use to organize the pick-up / drop off and contact that will minimize interactions.
From my understanding you are still hoping for a reconciliation so much of what I've just said would be counter-intuitive. But it will help you heal. A healed, happy, confident Huddy can set his own path and may be someone that she would be attracted to again. The lost, tired and confused Huddy isn't doing his best for himself or his family.
Just my 2 cents.
Oh - and "Hi Mrs Huddy!"
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
In my situation, the worst marital outcome happened. XH D'd me and remains with OW in so far as I know. But here's the thing - though I was married to him, I didn't get to choose his choices. He chose them. And the choices he made, made a life together for us untenable. So, given his choices, I then made mine - and so life moved forwards.
This is what keeping the focus on you really means - accepting others will do what they will do - and living your life as best you can - and giving your best from wherever you are at each day (as Cali once said in a similar vein.)
Sotto said this so well, right here. I had the worst possible outcome too. My ex has been married to his OW for 6 years, and she is the stepmother to my daughter. I could not change the outcome of his life and his choices. The choices I made going forward were mind with what I had ot work with.
I know you want so badly to change her and her choices. You simply do not have that power. Her boob shots, her endless selfies, choosing to live this way is something you have no power to change.
What you do have power to change? YOU. Stop snooping. What do you have to gain from it? it's only going to cause you pain. I used to snoop on FB on some ex bF's. What did I learn? It only hurts me! To see them in new R's? Why would I subject myself to that? Why are you subjecting yourself to this?
Be good to yourself. I think it is truly time to come you cannot change her, you can't make her want to come home, and she is gone as you know it right now. So live your life for you and your kids. Let her go.
