Depressed H- save my marriage

[hope222]

So my detaching seems to have just caused him to detach more.

I have been going on and living my life. And he has been doing the same. Most nights he comes home and doesn't want to engage with me. Sunday he came home from his parents and read from 4pm-9:30pm.

This is really hard to do when you are living together. It is just confusing because he is not making steps to separate anything.

My guess is his plan is to sell the house in the spring and then have a collaborative divorce.

We haven't separated our finances.

I am nervous to have any conversations about what he is thinking or the future. (it seems I am not supposed to do that based on the advice here but my therapist wants me to)

I am codependent on him so it is making this hard. I have detached emotionally in many ways.

It is hard because there has been no signs of him trying to pay more attention to me (there had been for a while) I think I need to talk to him less when we are at home. (I had been talking to him in hopes to open up the door for a conversation about our situation)

[LH19]

I am codependent on him so it is making this hard. I have detached emotionally in many ways.

You see Hope the statement above is the problem. He feels your codependency too. This makes him feel trapped and suffocated. So, how can you fix that? Give him space and then more space and then even more space.

Get together with your family, reconnect with old friends, join a gym, do volunteer work. Become mysterious when going out, don't tell him where you going and with who.

If you take the focus off of H *completely* he will notice. That will give him space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

Lastly, I think you may be confused on what detachment is, I am including how I view detachment:

Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.

Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.

I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.

[hope222]

I feel like he is getting his space. There are weeks that we don't see each other for a few days because he comes home from his activity after I go to bed. I have been going out on the weekends. We probably don't spend more than 10 hours together in the house awake and we aren't really interacting.

I need to be better about not trying to interact with him. I still try to make small-talk sometimes. We never talk about anything of substance. I read other posts about all the fighting about the relationship/money/etc. and we haven't talked about anything in WEEKS.

The problem is when I saw my Mother-In-Law 3 weeks ago her advice was to tell him I love him sometimes and still show him love. (He is depressed)

I am not ready to let the possibility of a future with him go. However, I have decided that I am not sure I would want him back if he doesn't improve himself. I also don't want our old relationship back.

I am attending a co-dependency group at my church so I am hopeful that will help me in future relationships.

[hope222]

He is going to be out late tonight.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. We don't even talk when he is home.

I was hoping to pin him down and have a talk with him about what his next steps are and the future but he keeps not being home.

So frustrating.

I just wish I could fast forward through the next few months.

[Caz49]

Hope, I feel your frustration!

I say to my counsellor I just want the next five years to be fast forward.

It's the waiting for the next move that pains me...I now try (easier said than done) to block H out of my mind. But he creeps in from time to time, more than I want, but I'm working on it. I know my H won't be thinking of me or our marriage. So I guess I shouldn't waste my heartache wondering about H.

Do you really need to have a talk with H about the future? You may hear things you don't want to hear. Sometimes that is worse than hearing nothing at all.

I wish you the best Hope.

[hope222]

Hope, I feel your frustration!


Do you really need to have a talk with H about the future? You may hear things you don't want to hear. Sometimes that is worse than hearing nothing at all.

I don't really want to. Since we are in such a state of Limbo most of the people in my life are advising.

They think he wont really miss me and/or I wont really move on if we are still living in the house together.

They think it is not healthy that no action steps have been made to separate anything other than our emotions. We still have joint checking and manage finances together, live together, have many affairs (leaves, lawn, dog) that we are managing together.

Makes it seem less separate?

I need to be better at 180-he [censored] me in with that smile and his presence.